For context, I'm a 19 year old college dropout.
I'm banging two different girls at least three times a week.
Receiving $900 a month for disability with no major expenses. Making $400 a month for playing music. This obviously isn't a lot but it's the most monthly income I've ever made in my life.
I have a few different circles of friends for the first time in my whole life.
And yet I feel more depressed than I ever have been. Despite still being a bit of a recluse, this is arguably the most accomplished I've ever been in my life (pathetic I know) and I still hate myself. My psychiatrist is going to put me on medicinal ketamine because I've failed all other treatments.
If the ketamine doesn't work and make me motivated to live my life, should I just kill myself? I don't think I'm made for living.
For context, I'm a 19 year old college dropout
congrats you have a better love life than most human being. accept your life, accept your faith, and accept your time to decompose.
You are more successful than most people in this world, you should accept that completely. Enjoy your life while you still have it. Killing yourself would mean never getting hundreds of more hours of love, friendship, and happiness.
That makes me feel nothing.
I only like seeing them because I like getting my nut off and sucking their big fuckin tits, but I hate their guts in every other sense. It's ultimately unfulfilling but I don't care because it is fulfilling in the short term when they're sucking down my load. My sister found out my feelings about this, and she called me a manipulative sociopath and then broke down crying about how she wishes I was just a little kid again because I grew into a self-serving, pathological liar.
I don't know what the fuck to do. I get no enjoyment from anything outside of sex and music. The rest of the time, I just think about offing myself constantly and it's an overbearing feeling. I just lie down with my thoughts and stare at a wall for hours on end.
If not love for the women you bang, how about love for your friends, your parents, your family, and the ones who actually want you because you love them back?
I don't really though. I really wish I could say I did, but I don't.
Most of my friends are obnoxious faggots, and my parents and I have not been close since I was 15. They all love me, but I can't reciprocate the feeling. I act friendly and I act loving, but I'm largely indifferent to all of them. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so distanced from everyone in my life.
Have you considered finding love?
I don't know if I have the capacity to love. Every relationship I've been in has been based purely on sex, initiated by me, because I don't really care about the other person in any other way.
And I don't really know why I don't love my family or friends. By all accounts, they are truly good to me, and I can only give them a cheap imitation cause in the end I only care about what I gain from them. If I didn't get anything from them, like if I was to not receive sex whenever I want from my fuckbuddies, I wouldn't care if they remained or not.
>monthly income of 4000 dollars a month
>25 year old virgin who has never touched a girl on purpose except for a strippers boobs once.
Why not center a relationship around achieving your own personal happiness?
Sounds like depersonalization/derealization to me. If you truly didn't care about your friends/family outside of what they can provide to you, you wouldn't feel guilty over it. I'm not in your head but I would suggest letting go of those thoughts, because the more you think about how you're "unable to love your relatives", the more you're going to search for some kind of made up "feeling" that doesn't even exist in order to prove to yourself that you do. If you stop doing that, you'll probably realize you do, in fact, love them whenever your thoughts go onto that territory.
Watch american psycho OP. You're totally bateman. Would upload a pic but iphone is gay
Just kys you faggot.
Don't kys.
You're gonna miss the huge anime titties that some artists are yet to work on the near future!
more than some of us
Have you felt the way you feel about your family and most of your friends your whole life? Is this apathy recent or is this how you’ve always been?
I'd say I've felt the way I do since about 14 or 15, so essentially my whole "mature" life, yeah.
I call it "now what syndrome"
If you struggle for so long you focus in he journey to the goal but after that there is no more journey. You are just at your goal. And you have no direction.
Ask an Olympic athlete how they feel after winning gold. They could keep competing or do something else but what? Celebrities who made it big from nothing, after fame what else is there? People end up getting into trouble or moving to a small town to relax.
Maybe you need to set some goals. Have a bucket list or something.
It may not solve the depression but it will keep you occupied. Also have you tried traveling? Like really exploring the world? Learning another language? Instrument? Sports? Dance?
Fucking Christ dude where do you live? 900 autism bux a month and medical grade ketamine and you’re bitching? God damn.
What keeps me occupied is playing music. I play 3 instruments and can kind of sing and I get paid $100 a week to play a steady gig at a bar. I'll jam casually at other bars too.
But it's fleeting. And the happiness from it doesn't last.
Because you do the same old thing for the money. Music should come from the heart. I really considered to join Cirque du Soleil as a singer because I would easily find a role. It's great money too. But then I would have to sing the same one song they wrote for me, twice a day 6 days a week for a year. That's just tedious.
I write my own music and I'm much happier, even if I'm writing sad music. I meant you should write or learn a new instrument just for fun, I'm learning violin and ukulele, it's difficult and I love it.
I'll consider it but I think I genuinely do enjoy playing there. It's just that it's one night a week before I'm back to reality.
>”You have to love yourself to be loved! The reason you are a kissless virgin is because you’re depressed and unconfident!”
And yet OP is depressed to the point of suicidal ideation, literally disabled, and poor, and yet he is banging multiple girls with zero effort
I FUCKING GIVE UP.
>college dropout
>shitty income
>disability check
>depressed as fuck
>self-hating
How do you score chicks? Are you handsome as fuck or something? Are they into suicidal musicians?
>implying op at least didn’t have some sort of confidence in order to get these women
>implying it’s a bad thing to work on your self-image
Tell me where in OP’s post he indicates having any form of confidence in anything at all
Not denying he might be confident in some ways but his posts show him to be a miserable downtrodden excuse of a man
I don't let people in real life except my therapist and psychiatrist know that I'm suicidal and depressed.
By all accounts, to most people, I am completely normal and exude confidence. I fake it everyday. I simply lie about where I get my money as well and say I manage a few bands all from the comfort of my computer (which is a plausible lie because I've been in the local music scene for many years). Nobody cares enough to ask me more so there's never any need to expand on those lies. Not like I'm going to get married to these women. I mean seriously, do you think anyone cares in this day and age about other people?
I guess I'm like a 7/10 and being a musician doesn't hurt (even if it's shit pay), but the truth is, young women are very easy to manipulate. Only group of people easier to manipulate is probably seniors with dementia. If you can't pull it off you're probably just dumb.
You know what the world today is like I assume. Craft your lies and your personality around it, because it won't accept you any other way. You'll never be good enough just being you.
It’s just impossible. People like you have endless confidence with women despite being failures in many areas of life. Meanwhile I have no confidence with women despite being generally successful and keeping my broader mental health in check
At this point I just think I might have been born without the necessary part of the brain that a man needs in order to have the animal lust to pursue women without fear of rejection. Because I can’t control my nerves around girls I want to date or sleep with at all
Inwardly he’s miserable but he claims he has friends and initiates sexual relationships. I wouldn’t describe him as confident in himself but he seems confident in his social abilities, even if they’re an act.
Okay but when I say “I’m a kissless virgin but I hide my desperation as best I can in public” I’m met with “but you can’t, every woman can smell your desperation and depression instantly”
If that’s the case then why aren’t OP’s girls catching on to the fact he is a depressed husk living a lie?
>why aren’t OP’s girls catching on to the fact he is a depressed husk living a lie?
he’s better at it than you. anyways stop co-opting op’s thread. his problems are different from yours.
>do you think anyone cares in this day and age about other people?
Yeah, I do.
It's not about confidence, though that can't hurt. It's about reading people. It's about knowing what makes them tick. Every detail of yourself is under the constant scrutiny of others, so you have to adapt. Change yourself, from the way you talk and walk, to what you wear and how you treat others. Depending on what you want of course.
No one expects anything new so you have to regurgitate the same shit. When it comes to women, just know how to read them and know what to say to get them intrigued. It's really a skill that you have to develop through practice or be born with, as hard as that is.
I'm sure you can handle it user. It's easy when everyone is made using the same cookie cutter.
It seems to me like an impossibly complex science. To me, the fact that you are able to effortlessly attract women puts you lightyears ahead of me in terms of quality of life
I really don't know what to tell you then.
I guess all I can leave you with is to be direct. Women really love a man who takes charge in any aspect. So for initiating a date, here's what I'll tell you...
Next time you are talking to someone you're interested in (either through the Internet or in real life), when you ask them to go out, you should use language which indicates she has little choice in the matter. Yet you still want to make it seem like a question. Examples...
>Let's go to this great coffee place, i could use a little pick me up
>I'm starving. come with me to this late night diner I need a midnight snack
>borrreeed, i might go check out this musician who's in the area playing a few shows this week. you definitely gotta come with if i do
Stuff like that. Subtly imply that she's going already.
>Wah Waaaah I live in a first world country where I get free money and social security and people won't kill me and mug me for whatever I have in my pockets.
Just shut the fuck up and grow up you don't know what true suffering is. Move to any non white country to experience hell.
Mental illness produces worse suffering than living in a shithole. I live in a shithole, had shit happen to me, death, poverty, etc. yet nothing was as bad as having a panic disorder. OP might have defective brain structure, it doesn't matter what his living conditions are.
Workout?? When I added that into my shitty life everything just sort of fell into place all neat like.