Get it off your chest

Me neither. They wont allow it to be posted

Stop pulling my heart strings D

i'm sick as shit right now. my nose is fucking clogged and i can't stop coughing and sneezing. i can literally feel how swollen my throat is. i don't even want to go to the doctor because last time i was this sick, i got sent to the hospital for blood work, x-rays, and a throat swab and they said i wasn't sick at all.

god i just hope i feel ok by the time finals come around.

Attached: 1555292492849.jpg (400x400, 16K)

I stopped trying to follow or understand him and it's been awhile now. It was eating me from the inside. I concluded that a simple dialog with him will never be possible. Not because of distance and barriers, but because of how he is. I told myself I'd rather focus all my efforts on people who could care back for me, instead of spending months and years guessing somebody's half-spoken double-standard mind. Or at least, instead of weighting pros and cons and making assumptions about what he really thinks when he says something and acts the opposite way, I decided I'll concentrate on myself. On taking care of myself.
Which is very hard, because at the back of my head and chest there's his judgement that silently lingers on, echoing along everything I try to do.
No matter how many things I achieve, it will never be enough to top the fact that he is more successful, more important, more self-controlled, less revealing, and never open for dialog. Mute and infantilized much heh ?
I killed my feelings with my own hands and suffered silently. They played the killing publicly but they're still unable to drown the baby.
I don't want to be quoted on all this, I don't want to be bothered about it any longer. I live on cold concrete, he lives on a golden Gucci cloud. So be it. He cannot possibly understand my point of view.
After 20 years of trying, maybe this time he'll succeed in forgetting me.

I'm still in here. In this transparent box inside this pool. The people above me are having more fun than I can imagine. This special girl who dove into the pool and pressed her cheek against the glass wall is so close but also so out of reach. I have air but I can't get out of here. The red beer cups are floating above me and I can feel that she's up there somewhere with her amazing eyes and smile. I remember when I got lost in her eyes for a brief moment and forgot where I was. We both fell in love but I am afraid it just cannot be. Not now. I want to leave this place and find her but it's not right. I am here for a reason. We could look into each other's eyes like we did last time but I am afraid that the glass tank will break and water will get inside and I might drown. I want to love. I want to love her. I'll try to break out myself. I hope I don't drown

I want to cry.

If youre actually intelligent then youll figure out a way to make up for your lack of wealth and good looks.

I'll hold you

Next time I see him, I should tell him what's on my mind. I have to. I think he wants to know..

I do too but I can't

I'll have to live another decade witnessing the slow passage of time. My skimpy life barely has place for me inside, nevertheless I dream that one day this life of mine could become large enough to welcome more than the shadow of myself.
I dream of shiny fireworks and loud explosions that would consume every past memory and let us dive eyes closed, jellyfishes on the stream of nil. I dream of volcanic rocks in fusion breaking ice-clod landscapes, the powder on an insect's wing in the air for a second, the crushing silence of constellations on the equinox night, all the painfully pleasant things a pair of brains convey to eachother by a turn of luck and warmth.
And it remains dreams.

I don't particularly want to be alive anymore, but other people don't want me to be dead. My solution right now is to distance myself from everyone who cares about me so I can end up like one of those people who gets found dead in their house a year later because nobody actually even considered checking on them, but it's taking a long time to do that.

That’s beautiful.

I HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA AT 1AM AND I JUST WANNA GO BACK TO BED FUCKKKKK

Attached: 1536946080544.gif (192x197, 87K)

If you don't ask you don't get. If you don't ask you don't get. If you don't ask you don't get. I got my day with him!! My night my time my sweet fucking embrace good lord I'm happy. If you don't ask you don't get!!

I still miss you, you know.
It would have been better if it had been the other way round. For you, your friends, your family, and for me.
Everyone would be better off if I had gone instead of you.

Heh, im on the crapper right now.

Phantom pain is so bad tonight. I cried in the bathroom, puked my guts out and now idk what to do.

I don't know what to do
It's like I always have the flu
But everything is kosher cause I'm a Jew
How about you?

...

I feel like my depression has only ever been swept to the side or contained, not that I've improved.

It used to be a lot more consuming and over the years I've definitely had periods of being happy & content, but it always, always, always returns, and I always touch that maximum depth again. It just slams me like a fucking asteroid from the sky. I keep trying to power through and establish good habits, turn sadness to anger to fuel, work out, eat well, budget carefully, talk to people, plan for goals, etc etc etc but I always fucking backslide, lose my momentum and regress.

I make a clear goal with simple steps and then start, get crushed by my own mind, and spend a week steeped in demotivated lethargy with barely enough energy to do my job, and two weeks later I'm still trying to follow this fucking plan but I'm not motivated.

I go through a week of feeling like death and then 3 days of feeling great and back again. I only have mild or hypo-manic periods but it just doesn't make any fucking sense. I get cycling but I don't get why it keeps happening, why it comes out of the blue, why it doesn't seem to matter if or how much my life improves.

The thing that's starting to worry me is the last year or so my depression periods have made me feel really detached. I tend to hole up and cease communication but this is more like... I don't feel my emotions directly. I perceive anywhere from wondering why I don't feel what I expected in a situation to feeling like I'm possessing my own body, just observing what someone else is experiencing from third person.

For no reason. No triggers or ruminating or shitty experiences.

I feel more and more that my ability to stand back up and push forward is diminishing, slowly but surely. I've gone from trying to mix things up when I feel shitty to trying to find entirely new experiences to not wanting to experience anything.

ME TOO DUDE
AND I ONLY GOT UP TO EXPERIENCE THIS BECAUSE SOME FUCKO BUCKO CALLS MY NUMBER BY MISTAKE, I COULD HEAR THAT HE WAS DRUNK AT A PARTY AND JUST SAYS OOPS WHEN I ASK HELLO

AHHHHH MY ASS

Attached: 1509555382219.png (450x771, 345K)

Every time I get therapy I do remarkably well and then it ends because it seems like I'm healthy or my therapist has to move/stop/whatever. I'm so tired of this shit.

...

What's going on? Want to tell me about it?

i used to want to cry. It's really difficult for me. It doesn't seem to be cathartic anymore though.

I'm so fucking tired of striving and pining and resisting and helping and worrying and fighting and always returning to the same shit except a little worse this time.

I feel like I need a reset button, like I need to restart and build my life from scratch. I need an escape from my mind or I'll be stuck in the same shit forever. Maybe that's why I'm detaching. But I can't harness feeling nothing.

I hate how I only notice and get jealous/ insecure about my close friend whenever I'm single. Haven't dated anyone in a few months, so whenever I see she's out I assume it's with a guy and it bothers me. She and I have always kept our dating and sex life private, but I know the signs.
Yet whenever I'm dating someone or sleeping with someone, she's furthest from my mind. I hate it.

This is bad in a lot of ways, I guess I'll deal with it tomorrow. Time is of the essence.

Attached: 1456354840535.png (474x473, 20K)

I’m feeling blue, nothing new.

It’s true, people need to ask for what they want.

I'm kinda being rejected.

I still can't accept the fact that my parents don't love me.

Who is he?

I don’t how to either. I don’t think you can ever recover from that completely.

Ive been derealised or depersonalised for 4 years, when am i going to wake up and be normal again?

Ive made slow progress over these 4 years but when am i going to finally click back into normality?

The depersonalisation was not caused by drugs it was caused by extreme psychotic stress and paranoia + anxiety

Attached: 0B0A8FE3-9C50-4D77-BBDC-885DE11885E8.png (833x723, 278K)

Do you believe in fate?

Yeh

I harbour deep resentment for myself and it is torture living within me.

Earlier today the girl I'm seeing shamed me into having sex with her after I was hesitant as I knew she's on her period.
Initially she tried to get down to it yesterday but I refused as she had told me just minutes before that her bleeding just started, and frankly I didn't have a clean change of sheets and didn't want to sleep in a pool of blood. She mocked me for being squeamish, said I was being ridiculous, and implied that she was disappointed that I could be so immature, but eventually let off.

Today she got frisky again as we were cuddling and I figured I had to prove I wasn't an easily grossed out chauvinist (plus I had done laundry in the morning) so I went with it. At first I was carried away and forgot about it (other than reflecting on how impressively wet she was after barely any foreplay) and all was well and good, but when we switched to doggy style and I saw my dick covered in blood as it went in and out of her, as well as blood smeared up between her buttocks, I admit I was disgusted. I know it's a natural function and we must accept that bodies aren't always squeaky clean and whatever, but try as I might I went soft shortly afterwards.

When she asked me if I thought it was gross I obviously lied so not to make her feel bad and just chalked it up to stress-related impotence. Also I didn't want her to belittle me again. It's been a few hours now though and I feel kind of shitty about this whole situation. Angry with her but also with myself. Very uncool.

Attached: goblin joblin.png (960x480, 765K)

youtube.com/watch?v=w31B49W03io

Then stop holding yourself back from doing things you should do, you'll get happier man.

the only thing that makes me the least comfortable inside my own body are drugs and the only thing keeping me from abusing them is my brother who is also depressed and who i dont want to lead on to do the same

why?

Sounds like some people care about you.

I think it's interesting that you didn't say you want to die. Why don't you want to be alive?

Goddamn there's gotta be a way to be on a level. Shit's way to fucked, I can't live like this.

Attached: 1556761900957.jpg (395x398, 15K)

is this my future

fuck

im starting college soon and unlike a lot of people, I am actually really pumped the fuck up!! Why?? Cuz I will find way better freinds than at my fucking highschool!!

Yeah, I think fate brought us together for a reason. We should find out.

Perhaps...she could be the one to save you from drowning.

I wanted to meet you, to got to know you. That's sad you didn't take it as serious as I did.

I deserve to murder them and I always will deserve to

Y.

She can be found at the berg

I'm not Y.

Trump first emerged from a wide range of Republican candidates, and Clinton broke Senator Bernie Sanders and was the first presidential candidate for a major US party. The populist Trump's national campaign, due to the fact that it "would reiterate the danger of the United States and its political danger, illegal immigration and many free trade agreements [3], has been widely covered by the media [4] [5] Clinton confirmed his political experience, denied Trump and many of his supporters as fans, and called for the expansion of President Obama's policy of racial rights, gay rights and human rights. women and "total capitalism". [9] [9] Trump has had controversy over his views on race and migration, the events of violence against protesters in their assemblies, [10] [11] [12] and the month alleged sexual behavior, and Clinton suffered a reduction in approved ratings [13]] and an FBI investigation of her improper use of a private email server.

youtube.com/watch?v=JBcsHygl1eU

It's your own fault.

I deserve to abuse and kill them

You love this shit, no rest for the wicked. If you're suffering this bad doing nothing at all you deserve it on some level.

Attached: 1556223294211.jpg (900x1040, 497K)

Yeah you are

You deserve to be a corpse

Aw, that really stinks. Tell me more about it.

Why are you always so full of hate

The guy at work has the best laugh... and personality

i watched porn on my moms computer

No, fuck off.

baste

Kek

Attached: 1556837438751.jpg (410x410, 21K)

Because of others they should suffer and be abused

I'll try

Why are you so mad at me Y

but why

youtube.com/watch?v=Cq_NvczManE

I'm not Y, creep, that's not about you. You larpers are fucking cringe.

There shouldn't be shortcuts in life anyway. I suck at programming, I shouldn't be giving advice. But I'm so ready. With some practice I would be an absolute beast.

God I hate being scum. Fuck that hurt.
I've been in a few places I shouldn't have been. And I don't mean real places, I can't pretend I'm completely innocent anymore. God I'm so cringy.

Attached: 1556225753850.jpg (1200x674, 86K)

I'll always deserve to harm you

Who are you and why are trying to defame me?

Attached: 1553450092983.jpg (962x1312, 119K)

He told me to look for someone else. I'm disappointed.

I've had some weird fetishes since middle school.

I'm into WAM and sailor fukus. The fact that I find some anime characters sexy doesn't help.

I thought, "well maybe if I can keep it to myself, put that shit on the back burner, and focus on getting good grades in school, and going to college, and then my dream job as an animator/illustrator/cartoonist, can either get over it, or find acceptance once I become the ideal version of myself."

Years pass, I struggle in high school, but I graduate without repeating anything.

I go to college, but it is not a trade school because my parents insisted that I'd be more successful and have more opportunities with a degree. I get my degree under a "fine arts" major, but it didn't specialize in life drawing and other important things like Andrew Dobson's school did. It was full of obscurantist and social justice related issues. I graduate from college with a good GPA. But I can't find a job with my degree.

Worse. People on the internet and society stigmatize people who espouse the things I learned in "college." Worse, I eventually land a job at age 28, but it's a "paper hat job"

I am 31 years old now, not a professional independent cartoonist or animator, but a grocery clerk who makes $11/hr. My life is now consumed by this job and my friend who constantly wants me to get cigs and booze for him.

I am the picture perfect portrait of the Omega Male, overweight too.

My friend needs me to split funds so that I can move into an apartment with him.

Y stop being so mean, this isn't like you

Not them but you should shut the fuck up maybe. People come here to get shit off their chest. Most people don't want to role play. Try some other time.

Oh Y you so wild, you so silly I almost want to pinch your cheeks.

I knew you’d do this eventually. It’s good. Make me hate you.

I was such a horrible "friend" to him. He was struggling with depression and I didn't even think much about it until it was too late and he killed himself.
Part of me blames myself a lot but another part says he would have done it anyways.

Attached: 1547403303111.gif (499x485, 148K)

Seeing all my friends get into med school while I'm staying behind, it sucks. It's ok tho, I just gotta beat the shit out of this coming year and I'll join them. I'll show them all

I;m sorry i made you eat fried chicken last night

I don’t accept your apology you selfish piece of shit.

Hey. I used to have suicidal thoughts and I can guarantee you that when I was in that state, I didn't think of anyone else and I didn't blame anyone but myself for my problems. You had nothing to do with what happened, don't ever think you did. He took that decision for himself and by himself. If anything, I'm sure your friendship helped him a lot, because I know that a female friend of mine is partly responsible for getting me out of my last depressive episode.

I don't know how antidepressants works but I'm hoping they numb you out or something. I genuinely can't live like this anymore, and if the pills don't work I think I'll just kill myself.

I deserve to kill them

That was funny, don't be so quick to get angry about everything but thanks for the quick laugh

Attached: 705.gif (240x176, 538K)