GIOYC got archived so just gonna tell it like this. a week ago my bf got his first salary and he spent all of it on buying computer parts. i still feel guilty that i can’t be happy for him because of my selfish reasons. when he got his salary i hoped he would buy groceries when he visits me and take me for a lunch but now he has 0 money left. it’s always me who buys groceries for our dinner, even at his place and i always pay for the lunch, 2 days ago too. my bday is in couple days and i hoped yay he’ll buy me a gift but how if he got no money left. i confronted him about it and told him all my reasons. he was understanding and told me not to worry about it because he’ll get some money back from his mom’s bills. then i just accepted it but now i’m thinking and he won’t get that money back, his mom barely has money
i texted him today that i regret not stopping him buying that stuff but he said i couldn’t do that because he needed it (irl he told me that he doesn’t need those computer parts that much) and i’m sad that he doesn’t regret it.
i just don’t know what to do. i want him to take care of me too. i don’t want to be the only one who buys something, i don’t have problem buying him lunch and groceries but i want to get that too and feel like yeah i have a man by my side. maybe i’m just really selfish, please tell me anons - is there a problem inside my head?
UGH
BUMP i don’t know how to deal with this
please help me get rid of my selfishness
my mental health has been really bad too lately and i’m lashing out on him not even on purpose. and i’m scared that with this he’ll be fed up with me
I don't have the whole story, but if you're putting yourself before him, and he's not doing the same for you, then the relationship isn't working and it's not your fault. It MIGHT work if you're both equally selfish, or if you're equally caring and selfless, but inequality is unhealthy. I'm sorry if your bf doesn't get you a bday present.
if i don't get one, then probably childish of me to get upset but it just shows me how much he cares because i always try to give gifts to my closest people
UPDATE. told him that i’m upset and all he said “yeah ok i understand” basically he doesn’t care about how that made me feel and he doesn’t regret it
He's entitled to do what he wants with his money, and you know that which is why you feel selfish.
But, a relationship is a give and take. Can't think of a single guy worth his salt who wouldn't take care of his girl after a salary bump. There's not really a reason for a girl to stick around a guy who doesn't take care of her. Not saying either one of you is right or wrong, but I can tell you that you can do a lot better concerning partners.
i could’ve bought my mom a small but nice gift for mother’s day since i had some money left from this week but instead i spent it buying him lunch. yeah i volunteered to pay for it. but what was i supposed to do? make him watch how i eat? and that wouldn’t had happened if he had used his brain a bit more
You need to break this down to him step by step and get him to understand how you feel, and if he doesn't listen, then its ultimatum time relationships are give and receive.
i don’t really show my love in a classic way - i don’t say a lot of i love yous and hug a lot but i show it by taking care and not asking back because that’s how i was raised but sometimes you want to receive back y’know and now i just feel like i’m being used
i’ve already explained that to him, twice this week and he just doesn’t get it. i apologized to him some hours ago for being too selfish and now i have the urge to text him “i think you’re using me” but not sure if that’s a good idea
bad choice. he’s mad now. telling me he could’ve bought me something if he didn’t have to pay for his mom’s bills. THOSE COMPUTER PARTS COULD’VE WAITED THOUGH. i’m so upset because i want something too. i don’t want to only give, sometimes i want to receive too. shouldn’t have texted him that nonono
Ok just to get this out there
Because it annoys the fuck out of me
You Are Not His Mom!
stop buying his shit for him if he has money for it then he is an adult and can buy his own shit for himself
Now thats out of the way like the user said
YOU NEED TO STOP BEING HIS MOM AND BUYING HIM LUNCH etc . . . Once in a while is fine if he gives to you but it sounds like all he does is take.
You are being used, family
If he takes and takes but doesnt give back id feel the same
My PoV stop doing shit for him and let him be a proper adult stop buying him lunch and stop doing shit for him. He is a functional adult he can spend 5$ on McDonalds for himself and he can also spend 100$-150$ on food for himself.
Computer parts range from 100-300$+ HE CAN HANDLE GROCERIES AND BEING A FUNCTIONING ADULT.
In the case you didnt want to work things out;
Id personally scare the man that some other dude is inviting you out for coffee from work (i might go to hell for this) and then tell him that things arent working out because you give but all he does is take.
Tldr; stop being his fucking mom plez and stop giving all together until he give you a damn chocolate bar or something, or you can find someone who is willing to invest in you as much as you are into them because you cant make a dude change unless he is willing to
Good luck
You are dating a manchild that will probably have money problems for the rest of his life. Didn't he have a dad to teach him how to be responsible? It is kinda dumb to not be able to look into the next few weeks and decide it is probably best to wait with buying the parts. And don't get me wrong, Im a gamer so i kinda understand him but at least I understand priorities.
his first salary was like 200$ and he spent all of it on his computer parts. i definitely don’t want to do something like hanging out with another guy because if we were in reversed roles i would be pissed and insecure. i really want him to take care of me too, i would be the happiest person in the world even if he gave me a chocolate bar. it’ll be hard but i’ll try not to take care of him. honestly can’t wait to see what he’ll give me for my bday because he promised me he will but he has NO money, just can’t wait to be sad and disappointed on my birthday
It doesn't sound like you're selfish. It sounds like you're angry because you feel taken advantage of. I can see both points of view though. He just got his first paycheck and of course he's excited to buy something he wants (and not necessarily needs). And you had an expectation that he would spend it on you so you're disappointed. I don't think it means he doesn't care about you. But I do think you might consider not buying his groceries with the expectation that he owes you.
he doesn’t have a father, his mother is bad with money and his family doesn’t have money so i understand him - wow finally big money can’t wait to spend it but yes, he has brain and those computer parts can wait
i really had expectations of that since he promised he would pay for my lunch and i don’t remember the last time it happened so i’m just really disappointed and upset and not like something can change. and honestly i don’t have expectations that he’ll buy me something with his next salary
I get it but if he's a good guy and this is his only flaw, consider that he might just need some time to mature. When I was dating my husband I had the same problem. Then when we got married and he started bringing in money, he became the primary breadwinner. It all came around. The important thing is his character.
he has some other flaws but they’re minor and this is the biggest one. but no one’s perfect and i have even bigger flaws