I'm fucked up

This is going to be a long one, so buckle the hell up.

I'm 21, male, healthy, straight. Live in a middle class household. No major problems in family life. Have a girlfriend. We love each other very much and already talked about living together after we finish our studies. I'm studying for a profession that I kind of like, but not too much. I mean the world to my family. My mother, grandmother and grandfather all raised me in an atmosphere of love and attention. That should about cover it.

Why the hell did I just tell you all this? Because it rules out pretty much all of the most common causes of suicide that I heard or read about. Yet I still think about killing myself almost every day. In a way, I long for death.

I don't even know where to begin with this one. I just want it all to end. I don't think it has to do with depression or any mental trauma or illness. The main cause is my philosophy on life (I overthink a lot of stuff, life in general included). I don't see a point in living. We are all going to die in the end anyway, so why not just do it earlier?

Cont.

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The fact that I don't belive in any kind of afterlife "helps" my philosophy. Because if I die, I won't be able to feel any regret or sadness due to taking my own life, even if I wanted to. It will just end, and I won't exist anymore. So if I jump from a fifteen story building, for example, and think on my way down "Why did I do this? I had so much to live for" and whatnot, it won't matter in a few seconds, because I'll be dead and unable to regret my decision. I won' be judged by any fairytale god or sent to hell for going against his will. I will simply cease to be.

This kind of thought of eternal freedom is driving me insane. I want it. To not have to experience the bad things in life and to not be able to regret not experiencing the good ones. My family (including girlfriend) is the only thing keeping from finally doing it and I both love and hate them for it. They would all be devastated as I'm an only child and as I said, we love each other dearly. But I'm not sure how long they can passively keep me alive like this.

I have mostly forsaken my studies by now and the upcoming exams don't bother me anymore. I figure that if I'm going to kill myself someday then I needn't bother with this kind of thing. I have talked to my mother about this about a year ago, but she didn't know how to handle it and just ended up panicking and crying. It took her a couple of weeks to stop worrying about letting me go somewhere alone. To calm her down, I said that I don't think about it anymore. But of course, that is not true.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing all this. I'm fairly certian that I'll eventually do it, so I'm not looking for empty sympathetic words. I guess I kept this for so long in myself that I needed to tell (or write in this case) about it to someone other than my family.

well you dont need to go any further I think we get it.

Your philosophy is based on situations you havent experienced yet or feel there is no point to it. Problem is that you are right you over think things instead of just living in the Now.
You know how people find meaning in things? it's by going out and doing them rather than thinking about them.
Your problem does stem from thinking too much, well try doing this shit any ways. You will find your expectations blind you from the reality you are protecting yourself from.

I see your point, but I don't see a reason try. All of us will die in the end and any good or bad things we did won't matter. We won't be able to look back at what we did and judge ourselves. Any family we left behind will sooner or later also experience the same thing. So why bother?

Because it's not the end you should be focusing on, it's the journey. Do you want 5o be remembered? do you want to leave something positive behind to where people go, "you know I am glad that user did what he did and made what he made."
Do you really think the ending is what drives everyone? No, it's the now and how we can keep changing our lives into something better.

It's something to think about. Thank you for the advice

no problem, but remember this, there are people who have it worse but still manage to find happiness. Why? because a step up is better than a step back. Focus on the step by step. You'll be fine.

user makes a good point, you sit through a movie to enjoy the story, you don’t buy a ticket and walk out ten minutes in.

That's a good point, but if you buy a ticket to see a movie, it's your choice. You wanted to see it. When a person is born, they have none. If I was given that choice and knew that I would end up feeling this way that I feel now, I would probably choose to not be born.

thing is the ticket isnt the choice of you being born or not, the ticket is you making something out of life.

There is no point to life, and if you kill yourself you will become literally nothing. Why not enjoy what you have until it's gone forever? It's not like you have a long time on this Earth anyways, and you'll die eventually anyways

this ticket is something great! its better than every imaginary. YOU got a life! Enjoy it in every way you want to. do whatever makes you and your friends happy.
Even if you lay down in the green and feel the sun warming up your head and your body.
Dont waste time thinking about something like that, because it wont make you happy.

You're living in a delusion. Your rational thinking mind has thought itself into a hole. Do you think other animals deal with the shit you're going through? What about it is natural. It's insanity, it makes no sense to live this way. Your philosophy is wrong, all philosophy as a matter of fact is wrong. You just think things and believe them, that doesn't mean they're true. You're a slave. Not to society, not to the laws of the universe but to your own retarded inner stories about reality. You exist in a make believe hell of your own creation. You think flowers give a fuck about the meaning of life? How stupid would it be if a dandelion started questioning the own validity of it's existence and pushed itself infront of a lawnmower? You think you're any better than a dandelion? You think because you're human and have the ability to think that makes you any more important than any other animal that exists? It doesn't, it just makes you believe things that aren't real. Forget this stupid "red pilled" bullshit you've worked yourself into.

This post is so wholesome, I want to frame it on my wall

I thank you. that means very much to me. ive got a personal conflict, too with my girlfriend and i wish i get happy with her again.
Wish you best of luck anons! And dont Forget to enjoy every Moment, even this one. because someday, you remember that day and regret everything you said, because you got happy and enjoy the life.

No, I'm sure that animals (and dandelions especially) don't deal with this kind of thing. Probably it has to do with them not being sentient creatures.

As for humans, I always thought it strange that most people live their whole lives not even stopping for a second to ponder their and others' existence. In a way, I envy them. It's not like I can control what I think and don't think about. It just happens.

You're confused and your problem stems partly from your sense of superiority over other forms of life. You think sentience means anything? By your definition so far sentience means thinking yourself into a nihilistic hole and killing yourself. Nature doesn't care that you can philosophise, when you're dead you just become food for more life anyway. In that sense you're no different from the dandelion. The difference you believe in is imaginary and you are fooling yourself.

That's all I have to say

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I don't think it's imaginatory simply because of the fact that I am ABLE to do it. Animals don't have this problem because they don't have the mental capacity to think about it.

Also, I have never thought of bringing animals into this and don't even really understand how they fit into this discussion. It's completely different. And you pulled that whole "you think you're superior to animals" argument out of your ass. How the hell did you even come to that conclusion?

If everythhing is good and you want to die...

Try doing bad things

You do think you are superior to animals and other forms of life because you believe by virtue of having this ability to think and rationalise you have formulated a philosophy about life and now believe it. You take it to be true, which means you believe you are seeing reality for how it is, compared to other forms of life which are unable to. The truth is that everything you can think and philosophise about exists in no other place but your own mind i.e it's not real, an illusion. Human beings think things and take those things to be real, but reality doesn't exist in electrical impulses in the brain. A dog knows reality just as well as you do, likewise so does a dandelion because they ARE reality they don't have abstract notions about it. Human beings are the only animal that actively contemplates and carries out their own death because they have developed this ability to abstract, but they take the abstraction as fact and so they disconnect themselves from reality. You are in this situation and no nice words or substitute philosophy such as "enjoy life" or "do what gives you meaning" will help you. The problem isn't that you are thinking the wrong things it's philosophy itself. You will never get out of this backwards life outlook if you don't stop believing the inner day dreams of your own thinking mind.

I agree with your last three sentences. Didn't understand anything else you said. I didn't even think about animals and how I may or may not be superior to them until you tried to convince me that I did for some reason.

As long as you don't understand you will live a miserable life and what you fear may end up happening. Don't just brush it off. Ask yourself if any of your problems would matter to a blade of grass, or to a bacteria? You think you're any better than those two things? You think it doesn't matter about them because they lack the abilities of rational thought you possess? Total fabrication, you exist here for nature's sake, nothing more. If you go about abstracting reality into cute little philosophical boxes and dwell on them you deserve the fate you get. Nature doesn't give a damn either way. Die if you wish, it really doesn't matter. Or live if you wish, it also doesn't matter.

What you said in the end is the point I made in my first post for fucks sake.

No it does matter to you. That's why you have this problem. You really care about it, your meaningless nihilism is a lie, a cover for how much you really desire it to not be this way. If you truly knew meaningless you would be free as a bird.

This is very interesting. Not op, but can you give me any sources that further explore this?

That's something to think about. Thank you

>I long for death.

It would be hard to find a better terse definition of clinical depression. Get professional help for a condition you don't even realize you have

That's sort of hard to do because it's not something I've read it's my actual outlook. I was suicidally depressed for many years and reached a point of complete hopelessness. Then I experienced something known by different names in different traditions, in Buddhism they call it satori, some call it self realisation, some call it spiritual awakening or enlightenment.. You could just call it a psychotic break if you want it doesn't matter to me. To make a long story short I now exist in complete meaningless, I don't care about life and I don't care about death. Life is utterly beautiful and is worth nothing. I am ready for my own death because my life has zero significance. You could look at some stuff by UG Krishnamurti, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Papaji and Osho if you wanted. Or even people like Alan Watts or Ram Dass.

You're welcome!

Read some Cioran. Also don't be a faggot appreciate what you have. Try hanging off a bridge and see if u really want death. Chances are you don't

LMFAO your "philosophy" is literally just 2lazy4life