I'm racist. I feel bad about being racist, but I genuinely, in my core, hate niggers.
I don't have black people. I have many black friends, I respect most of my black coworkers, and I have dated black girls (without the weird race breeding thing that's popular on /b/)
Let me explain
I grew up in majority black area (the school handbooks listed my school as 93% black. There's were even more Latinos and Asians than whites). I've dated more black girls than white girls.
When I have a lazy black coworker, he ceases to be black, and I only think of him as a nigger. I hate nigger culture. Listen to him mubble shitty rap songs under his breath makes me scream 'nigger music' in my head. I hate the way he dresses. Niggers are sub human to me.
And yet, I don't hate black people who don't participate in nigger culture. In fact, what I find odd about my behavior and though process, is that if someone is hard working and respectable, they are no longer even racially identify them when regarding them or thinking of them, just the same as you'd do when referencing or thinking of someone your own race.
I have a Hondurian coworker, and I respect him more than anyone else that works here. I can't always understand what he says all the time, but I don't think down of him for this.
But when I can't understand my other black coworker for speaking ebonics? I instantly just think 'nigger speak'. He's the laziest person here, and the only reason he hasn't been fired I think is because he's related to someone who owns the company. And what do I think of the guy he's related to? Very respectable man.
And it's not even just things like rap music. When someone I respect shows me tasteful rap? Good music, I actually like a few artists.
When I here mubble rap or Kanye or Cardi B? Turn that fucking nigger music off before I kill myself.
I genuinely lose respect for myself for thinking like this. I can't blame my father completely, because much of it I developed from my own life