Abusive relationship for men?

Could some help describe or explain ways to know it is abusive?

I just want to take in what people share rather than even try to explain, so hope it's not too much to ask and thank you.

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It would be easier for you to just tell us what you're dealing with than to discuss and share past experiences only a fraction of us have had

It's not me so it's hard to get the whole picture and explain... if people don't have experiences then any resources or common knowledge. It's just my instinct from what I witnessed that has me thinking this, but again it's not my story.

Just share it and we'll tell you what we can, every situation is different and it's unlikely that anyone has had an identical experience to what you have observed.

>user, I don't know what I'd do without you, I would probably kill myself.
>user Anon user, reply to my texts or I'll slit my fucking wrists.
>Oh you're not in the mood? Well "male friend" is always so keen maybe he'll give me some dick.
>I don't understand why you don't tell me your "social media" password, I told you to stop texting "female friend from high school who had a baby".

Then of course there's always the slap and cry. She'll smack you, and then cry in front of you pretending like she's the one who took a palm to the face. Not me but I've heard of assault accusations placed by exes on a few acquaintances.
Anytime someone makes you consistently unhappy, walk away OP.

I know ”””the media””” tends to only show women being abused as abuse but the signs are practically identical. It doesn’t matter if you’re a foot taller and 80 lbs heavier, her hitting/scratching/throwing things at you are all still abuse. Even physical abuse can be more about the mental effect than the actual physical marks left on you. Verbal abuse probably needs even less explanation. The fact you’re asking this question is a bit of a clue there’s something wrong.

He says things like..
We fight a lot, It was bad, She's upset, I had to leave and she won't talk to me, It's my fault, I couldn't get nice things for her, she's going through a lot, my parents don't like her and said I wouldn't be happy, I shouldn't stay out of guilt, my father in law doesn't trust me

The fighting was since the beginning though. They work together, she's older and basically the boss, she makes him follow her religion and take her of her pets, live where she wants, you know I barely know her and just based off of observation she seems a bit weird.

And at times he is just crying a lot and asking for help, and then apologizing and saying it's burdening me and others. I ask him what he wants and he asks me what he should do, and I say it's not up to me but to do what he wants. I've had traumatic experiences and felt similarly, like I was a burden, so that mostly clicked for me.

There's just too much. Also this happened a year or so before but I haven't been able to process it because I had my own issues with psychosis, depersonalisation disorder, and anxiety disorder, so I don't trust my own mind. I don't think he'd see this but I hope he wouldn't hate me for not helping more or for writing this here....

I guess there might be some abuse going on, maybe verbal, but that doesn't sound like abuse. It sounds like he's a dependent stay at home man with no career and severe self esteem issues and is allowing himself to be taken control of. But she's definitely using him, probably as a trophy-boy just to show off. What religion/race is she? What race is he?

I will say though, since you're his friend, when he's asking you for advice on what to do don't say "I dunno bro it's your life." He's obviously misguided and doesn't know what he should do and goes to you since you've had similar experiences. It's a shitty thing to deny someone insight on what you think they should do, it's up to them whether or not they ultimately will follow it anyway.

Yeah this isn't a current situation anymore so nothing can be done on my part. It's too much to explain everything, even if it would make more sense, but my concern was that he was being emotionally manipulated because like you said he has low self esteem and absolutely no control or freedom in life, which he complained about. I think your analysis of him is spot on.

I got threatened by her and her dad for talking to him so he pushed me away and I don't even know anymore, I guess I got dragged into it unwillingly. All I could do was give him a legal contact to talk to and said I needed a break for my mental health because I felt too overwhelmed, he has friends and family that could help better, and that was the end of it.

This is in Asia.. but it feels wrong to write too much of this out here.

Yep. Well, there's not much that can be done, as much as you want to help. Some people just choose that path and have to be left to undo themselves. If it was a woman it would be different but as a man, yeah, he has the freedom and ability to walk out at anytime I would presume unless he's being held captive at gun point or something.

Not much you can do though brah.

if you feel you are being treated poorly, leave
it doesnt matter what the circumstances are
get yourself the fuck out of there. there is no reason whatsoever to stay with a person that does not respect you

This statement encompasses how it feels to be in an abusive relationship as a man.

"I did not recognize the emotional abuse for what it was at the time, though I did know I was being manipulated in that vague way where you know you’re doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do, and not doing things you enjoy, and dealing with a lot of drama for someone who is not completely honest and has some emotional issues due to childhood trauma, etc.

But you do the things anyway because you’re caught in the emotional pendulum, and they make you feel special and loved even while they make you feel like you constantly have to prove yourself and live up to this great dramatic story wherein the other person stomps all over your boundaries and is an ashhole to you and withholds affection to manipulate you but would also die without you and desperately needs you to be the special person they want you to be who would move heaven and earth so that the two of you can be special together."

I guess. I'm not sure but it's likely they aren't together anymore. I can't explain why I think this without looking crazy though, just based on some posts on a local message board (not here) that used his details. Anyway it's not my business anymore, I just wanted advice about myself and thank you for the help user. Your words are wise.

I agree but it wasn't me so not much I could do.

I see. This makes a lot of sense and may describe his situation at the time. I can't read his mind but he told me many of his thoughts and feelings about this.

The abuse for men in relationships is usually a power dynamic.
Men who are in abuse relationships usually feel the need to keep secrets or ask for permission for really stupid shit. Like using your own money to buy a video game.

I just started therapy because I realized that what I thought was me being the strong savior my wife needed was more likely that I was being complicit to her controlling behavior. Idk if I'd call it "abuse" but it was like my mind was full of fuck and I couldn't see thing for what they were. I felt strongly that it was my job to ensure my wife didn't hurt emotionally. That gave her leverage to control me by being/acting hurt. I'm not even sure she did it concsiously. But she was definitely conditioned to suddenly become hurt anytime she didn't like anything I was doing, where I was going, etc.

I understand this. For him they seemed to have issues from the beginning, and then she would use everything to guilt him into coming back after kicking him out repeatedly. She controlled his life, after learning this I actually called him pathetic, because it actually was a bit pathetic, that he would constantly complain about her and his life but would never leave because she always "needed him" and I thought he needed to hear it. This just sounds like what you described, manipulation which is abuse right?

If that is the case then I can understand and forgive his behavior. But if it's not then he is a terrible person. This is the dilemma in my head.

Women typically abuse men by emotional manipulation that typically takes the pattern of what might be described as a pendulum of love-bombing and isolation. It's a fairly well understood psychological manipulation technique and it's basically how cults suck people in. First you welcome someone in, offering them attention, love and a sense of understanding and purpose which is something everyone desires. Then after some period of time you commit some perceived infraction, a sin which you're not even aware of or ever supposed to be aware of, and they cut you off, go cold on you, casting you into isolation. Then after a time of penance, a penance which is just as vague and uncertain as the sin for which you are atoning, you're accepted back in and bombed again with those feelings we all crave and desire and so the cycle repeats. Abusive men do something similar in relationships but usually with a physical dimension.

>First you are welcomed in, offered attention, love and a sense of understanding and purpose which is something everyone desires.
fixed if that was confusing

So repeatedly kicking someone out and calling for them back is like that?

Sorry I keep checking if the thread is still here but I think I found the answer I need and it was definitely emotional abuse. I just couldn't see it, I wish I could have understood this in the beginning and been better to him.

Anyway thanks again everyone

Mother fucker.

Wish I'd read this 20 years ago. I got trapped in that pendulum for over a decade.

men do this mental shit too. Its the Dennis system