Dirty Jokes

Let's take a break from all this seriousness and write down the dirtiest jokes you can think of.
I'll start:
A chick goes on a date with a guy she wants to fuck, but she's worried because she's got a huge vagina from fucking so many other people, so she gets a piece of liverwurst and puts it in her vagina, so when he fucks her it will feel tighter. So she puts puts it in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him and everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning, and he's gone, and he's left her a note that says: "Thank you for a lovely evening, however I don't think this is going to work out. ps. your vagina is in the sink."
pic not related

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Okay user, I'm down.

A reporter comes to town with a special survey in mind: he wants to report on the favorite activities of men in the town.
So, he starts asking around.

He meets one very petite, very girlish man, and he asks the man, "Hello sir, what is your name and what is your favorite daytime activity?"
The man looks at him and says, "Well, my names Sam, and I like playing in the bathtub with bubbles!"

Mildly confused, the reporter notes this and sets off toward the next person. He meets a more average looking man with a well kept beard wearing a nice suit. He then again asks, "Hello sir, what is your name and what is your favorite daytime activity?"
The man goes, "My name's Brandon, and I like playing in the bathtub with bubbles."

The reporter, even more confused keeps on. He reaches a greasy man who's wearing a wife-beater and wielding a hefty looking shotgun. Once again he asks, "Hello sir, what is your name and what is your favorite daytime activity?"
The man eyed the reporter up and down before responding, "My name's Jim, I like playing in the bathtub with bubbles."

The reporter couldn't believe what he was hearing, he decided that if he heard that response one more time, then he would leave. Once more, he finds a man of the town and asks him, "Hello sir, what is your name and what is your favorite daytime activity?"
The man was tall, burly, and had scars going across his face. The man smiled happily at the reporter and said, "My name's Bubbles! I like baths."

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Guy goes to prison. His cell mate is a 350 biker named Bubba. Buddy asks the guy, “do you want to be the husband or do you want to be the wife?” Guy thinks about this and what it might entail. He replies, “i’ll be the husband.” Bubba nods in agreement, then says, “okay, now get over here and suck your wifes dick.”

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...

Three secretaries, a blond, a brunette, and a redhead, get into the elevator in their big, fancy downtown office building. During the long ride up, they look over at the wall and notice a thick, viscous white glob sliding down towards the floor.

The brunette screams, "oh my God is that what I think it is?"
The redhead covers her mouth and moans, "ugh that's revolting!"
The blond walks over, licks it, and says, "nobody from this building."

Lol'ed legit

What's the difference between a chick pee and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay 100 pesos for a garbanzo bean on my face :^)

What was Tiger Woods nickname in high school?
>nigger

mega kek

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What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an en zyme.

The other day, i was going down on my girlfriend i said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."

A white horse. Rolled in the mud

What is red, black and blue?

A rape victim.

I don't get it

kek

thats a little girl asking her dad
-dad can i have money for shopping?
-okay only if suck me
Little suck her dad and after they're done ,the little girl says
-Damn dad your dick tasted like shit
dad answers : thats normal your brother went to cinema (theater movie ?) yesterday.

Why did the sperm cross the road.
I put on the wrong sock this morning.

Remember to take statistics wit a grain of salt. After all 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Echo

Her pussy echo’d

Three clergymen split on a lottery ticket and they won the grand prize of a million dollars. The first one, a baptist minister says
>this is a blessing, but how much do we keep for ourselves and how much should we give to God?
After a few minutes he said
>I know we'll draw a circle and throw the money up in the air, whatever lands out of the circle we'll keep and whatever lands in the circle we'll give to God.
The Priest pipes up and says
>You know it's a little windy, I think we should throw thw money up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle we keep and whatever lands outside of the circle we give to God.
They then turn to the rabbi and ask his opinion, and the rabbi says:
>I think we should throw the money up in the air and and whatever God wants he can keep and we'll keep the rest for ourselves.

A priest and a rabbi walk out a bar early one morning. They see a child playing. The priest says "let's fuck him". The rabbi says "out of what"?

echo.

My Four year old son had a lot of problems with potty training;
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a
full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course,
I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. The
I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him and he said, “No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t
have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did
not have an accident?

“No,” he replied.

I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo….I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
and yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!” While 100 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down
to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over
and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent
over to my son and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of the same
thing all the time…I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did.

Short circuit joke

Movie theater, since you asked.

But really, cinema works in practically all parlance. It is just seen as a little stuffy in the US.