Living in a sexless marriage

OP here. This hits close to home for me considering it sounds like what she would possibly write. We don't get cramps or any physical discomfort but we are both slightly overweight so no super crazy Kama sutra. And our two children are in their pre-teens.

My wife just seems to not have any desire for intimacy - or when she does, she too had to be inebriated for us to both enjoy ourselves.

Communication send to be the key but she just shuts down whenever I approach the issue - whether I approach it in the bedroom or somewhere else that is secluded and private (thinking we could discuss it outside the bedroom so there wasn't any negativity associated with the discussion unlike the stigma of the bedroom).

We had a great vacation to weeks ago at Washington DC. Talked about nearly everything under the sun. We connect emotionally well and always have each other's back where addressing issues either with the kids or other adults. I don't feel she's fallen out of love with me - she just doesn't enjoy intercourse or the acts that lead up to it. Sometimes I notice she gets tense when I try to kiss her in bed so I'll tell her something like "Don't worry - we don't have to have sex if you don't feel like it. I just really enjoy kissing your sweet lips" - things that I feel will make her feel better and show her that she is truly loved.

Tensing up like that isn't normal. There is something going on inside of her head. She should see someone and talk to them. Perhaps it's medical, too. Sometimes when things are going wrong a woman can not want sex as sex hurts.

You're too nice, it makes them dry up like the sahara

(same woman who is in this situation)

Do you know if she reads erotica? I do. I find writing very sexy. I don't have the guts to ask but I would love to do sexting with my husband. Maybe you could try upping the text flirtations and work up to it?

Also, her issues with sex could be entirely about her. I used to feel sexier and I wanted to have sex more. I was hot and I liked to be appreciated. Now, my girlfriends and I will lament about our bodies and how blown away we are that our men still want to have sex with us. I don't know what can be done about this.

I'll say this, my parents made a promise to each other that they would never surprise the other person with divorce before insisting on therapy. If you're at the end of your rope seriously, you could give her a therapy/divorce ultimatum instead of leaving her. Maybe she needs to talk to someone about self love. But I don't know. I'm no expert or I would have solved my own issue.

I honestly believe this is a part of it. She has told me before it sometimes hurts when we have sex - not Everytime, maybe 1/3 of the time (and I'm about average size). But she's just been putting off going to the doctor for 6 months now saying she has yet to find that "perfect" doctor. And when I bring it up it makes her nervous and stressed out. She'll say something like "I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about that. I'm doing my best". And it hurts when I sometimes think in the back of my mind "If you were trying your best, you would have already gone to the doctor". But I don't say that because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

My cousin once said she was afraid to get intimate because she couldn't get wet like she used to, and the dry sex hurt. She was too ashamed to use lube. I personally have been using lube since I started having sex at 21, and I just don't care if it's weird because it makes it so much better.

Anyway, do you two use lube? If not, maybe you could get some kind of sexy lube, warming gel or something, and use a hell of a lot.

There is no "perfect" doctor. All doctors are about the same. She needs to get help. It could be something serious. When I was hurting during sex it turned out I had some nasty growths on my uterus. I had to get a hysterectomy.

I realllly appreciate your insight from the other spectrum. We did Snapchat for a few weeks about a year ago but she stopped saying that she just didn't feel confident with how her body looked (I tell her very often I think she looks beautiful, I appreciate every curve of her body - even her rolls of tummy fat because it means she gave up a slim body so that we could have children together. But I don't call it tummy fat, I just call it her "curves").
We don't have many friends - fairly antisocial, her much moreso than me. But I know she doesn't love her body and feels like she's disappointed me by not losing the baby weight after two kids. And I've told her I just want her to feel confident in her own body because I love her and I also love her body.

Thanks for the advice about the therapy/divorce ultimatum. I definitely don't want to leave her but I just feel at some point I'm going to have to say "enough is enough. Let's move forward - together - but you gotta love forward with me"!

As a guy and husband, I can say that no matter how much weight my wife packs on I will still want to be with her intimately because I enjoy her personality and our conversations and sex is just awesome no matter how much fat is there. Honestly, the feeling of foreplay and intercourse is out of this world compared to the lonely feeling I get late at night (like right now, it's almost midnight and she's asleep and I'm left feeling like the loneliest person in the world).

This is a great idea. We actually have six - 6! - different kinds of lube in our nightstand right now. She says it just "feels weird" and I've tried using lube in more creative ways (like giving her a backrub using the oils to help her relax and try to segue into something more intimate). There are some lines that will make her crotch feel like it's on fire but we've experimented enough these 6 that we have are the only ones good enough to just "feel weird".

I've read about this online. And something called ovarian cyst syndrome? Maybe if I just read up on it enough and shared a few articles with her, it would convince her to go see a doctor asap. At least that way it would knock out possible health or medical related issues. Thanks for the advice!

its time to have an affair. Find a 10/10 half her age. set sail.

What do you mean by I'm "too nice"? I've been more aggressive with her in the past - from light BDSM to more dominating acts that she said she thought would be fun - but Everytime she starts to chicken out and honestly gets freaked out a little. I don't want to be aggressive without her permission, I feel like that would be akin to rape or something. Can you elaborate in a way that would help me better understand?

Sharing articles will help. Mentioning that sex shouldn't hurt and you want to make sure she's OK will help, too. If it hurts, medically speaking, something is very wrong and needs to be fixed.

It's really common for women past a certain age to need a hysterectomy. Ovarian cysts, cysts on the uterus and all sorts of flesh growth happen. It doesn't make her any less of a woman for getting medical help. Not getting the help will only make things worse.

A good site that helped me: hystersisters.com/

Go away, this is actually a decent thread.

Everyone on here has been giving me such great advice, which I appreciate SO much, and then you have to say this? We married when we were young. Now I make $100k/year and notice when attractive girls hit on me (feels nice but I'd never reciprocate). It may sound pathetic but I vowed to stay with her til death parted us and I will not cheat on her or leave her for another woman.

Ignore him. This mindset is super toxic and especially doesn't count with a long term marriage.

Thank you for the website link! I'm definitely going to pursue every possible avenue to focus on her health and show her that I care more about her health than I care about whether or not we are having sex "enough" (she often says she worries we're not having sex enough so maybe if I focus more on her health it will show her I care more about her than I do the actual sex - which is true). Thanks alot!

(same woman who is in this situation again)

Honestly I'm a little teared up. I feel like I'm saying the things I wish I could say to my husband, and hearing what you are saying really sounds like him. He still says the nicest things about me physically when we're intimate.

I think you should keep pushing for therapy. A therapist would help facilitate conversations like the one we're having. She might admit physical discomfort, self image issues, or something else that's getting in the way.

It's great that you would never leave her. I don't think my husband would leave me over lack of sex and that makes me really want to make things better. I love him like crazy despite this issue I'm having, trying to get interested in sex again. I'm going to try a few things and see what I can do.

Good luck. You sound like an amazing man and I think you two have something special. I bet it'll work out.

Thank you for sharing your perspective and encouraging me to kindly push for help from a professional. Wishing you the very best of luck that things turn around for you soon! Thanks again!!!

What's the point of being in a relationship you're not enjoying?

Just split if it's not working out for you and she's not willing to improve things

I'm very open with my wife that she has a responsibility in marriage to keep me happy sexually

its good advice. your morality might get in the way but thats not my problem.

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OP here. Thanks to everyone for the positive encouragement and ideas. I'm going to improve my communication with her and do my very best to help us both better understand why she has trouble being intimate - whether it's health/medical related, emotional, or something else entirely. I really appreciate the thoughtful replies and support!

Who gives a shit about wedding vows at this stage if your wife can't even be bothered to make you happy?

She broke them already by not fulfilling her duties as a wife.

She's treating you like a doormat and you need to make it clear you're not going to put up with it

she's 200% banging another guy and OP is too onions to realize it. living his lie is easier than facing facts in this instance

t. teenager virgin

Not the guy you replied to but good lord you sound like such a pushover.

>not having sex as much as we did when we were first married
>wife must be cheating
>cannot be any other logical reason
My goodness. The incels today just flip from one extreme to another. Apparently you have never been invested in a long term relationship.

Not OP but why do people think when a guy goes to extreme lengths to maintain his wedding vows he's suddenly a "pushover"? I mean, OP could take the easy way out like so many weak men I've known. Kudos to him for being the bigger person and trying to stick it out. Wish we had more real men like him these days.

Not OP here so apparently "til death parts us" is roughly equated to "if she can't make me 100% happy all the time by providing me with as much sex as I want then it's okay if I leave her"? I agree OP should do something about it - you can only handle so much before it's overwhelming - but who said she broke her vows?

Firstly, her side
She is obviously wrong but in her head she's just playing games, enjoying a previlige of being married. She honestly doesn't mean harm by it so please forgive her. Now relationships are about bonds with sex simply being a confirmation of it. So for her to not overly esteem it may be because she is reaching to the source. However, just because she has matured above the need for six does not mean she should deny you who hasn't

On your side:
You do have your vow, particularly as the conscious one in this issue. The superior man esteem virtue. Relationships are about the bond, with sex simply being a culmination of it. So it is natural but partly immature for you to be so fixated on it.

What to do:
Full communication of everything. This will both make things clear as well as affirm your bond.
Enquire as to her reasons and explain your needs. Reach compromise.

Above all, know this:
Truth teaches love which breeds respect from which all virtues arise

>Literally there is no time for her to cheat on me and vice versa.
You'd be surprised.

To answer your question about what's wrong with taking up a hobby that you can get intrinsic pleasure from. Well you are using it as a distraction from your real problems.
But it sounds like you have been doing quite a bit about this. I say that you do back off a little. Tell your wife that you are not going to pressure her for sex for 6 months. But that you want her to see a medical doctor that she has been putting off and that after 6 months you want to put professional help back on the table as an option.
Then continue to be the good guy you are but don't pursue sex. If you want to kiss and she tenses up, remind her sex is not happening right now. Also, work out and lose weight. You said you and your wife were overweight. Maybe ask her to take a walk with you, eat healthier, you said you cook. Just add a salad or other vegetables as a side to dinner.
And finally you should talk to a professional about this and whatever else is going on. This is too important an issue to leave to Jow Forums to solve.

Rape her, that Will get her in the mood

All the morons here saying she's with someone else dont realize women's sex drive changes with age. I've seen this happen in my family, but the difference is even the males dont really care for sex like they used to.

The problem I have with OPs wife is she doesnt allow ANY kind of intimacy whatsoever, the only things that come to mind is she doesnt feel comfortable from the way she looks or shes not attracted sexually to OP anymore.

>considering that we work together in the same office.
There it is.
You're way too familiar.

As the saying goes, distance makes the heart grow.
If you've been married so long and then throw in the fact that you guys literally see each other ALL DAY EVERY DAY?
Well chances are you've become boring, and something to be taken for granted. She might not admit it, but it's most likely true. Unless you're literally autistic most people will get sick of things, even if they loved it at some point.
Don't take it personally because you're not bored.

What I'd do if I were you, is to get a job that's really far away; another country even. Then I'd tell her to stay behind for a year or so while I "figure out if the place is actually good enough to commit to". Not only will it make her miss you, but it'll give you both some time to grow and create new experiences to share with each other. Full disclose though, it could easily backfire and she'll realize she likes being alone better and leaves you. But if that's the case then your marriage was already over.

>Sage Wizard of Relationships
Wow, this persons got some tight advice. Listen up u bois

First you have to realize that the happiness of your children is dependend on the state of your marriage. So this is not just about your or your wifes happiness, it affects your children too.
As soon as you realize how serious is it try to get your wife to realize how serious it is too.

And maybe that will get her to seek some professional help.
As for the actual problem I dont know, but honestly I doubt a bunch of basement dwellers will be able to come up with something usefull.

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This desu. OP you have to be apart for a bit to rekindle that fire. If not locally, just get a job in another office maybe. Don't talk to her, go running or pursue some hobby in your free time so you don't really see each other. She will notice that she's missing what lacking after a while.
Ignore her a bit too, treat her just a liiittle bit like an asshole and she will submit to you gladly again

WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THAT PHOTO SERIOUSLY HOW COME NO ONE IS ADRESSING THIS HOLYSHIT YOU GUYS SUCK

>tfw the missus and I still get rankety spankety good times after nearly eight years
I guess my first question is how you got to a point where sex became unpleasant. I guess my second question is how neither of you have managed to cross this bridge despite being together (married???).

In my relationship we can talk about anything, and we work hard at that level of understanding. It's important to the two of us that the other can say literally anything about anything because the two of us are anxious types used to being stifled or ignored.

I'd suggest you round off on the communication part first, both you and OP. Talk to the other side about how this is no longer an option and something has to change.

Remember, it takes two. On the one hand, never be quick to blame but on the other, never forget that as little as them putting in no effort will uproot the entire process all over again.

she's fucking another dude. get a divorce

That's what im saying, this image is absolutely nuts

This is a story as old as time itself.

Her desire is not coming back. And she's not gonna change that. She made it clear.

Not sure if you can accept this, but if you want to experience sex it's gonna have to be with some else. And you have nothing to feel guilty about, your wife has left you NO choice.

If my wife did what yours is doing I would cheat with zero guilt whatsoever. And if caught I'd just say woman "I need sex and you didn't give it"

For real I literally can't figure out even a single thing
Is this the true power of Photoshop?

How do you make sure this doesn't happen to you, as a woman? Losing sex drive or failing to maintain desire for someone you have been with for years. I'm young and right now I have plenty of desire, but reading about this kind of thing being so common scares me. Is it just something inevitable as a woman? Is not wanting it to happen enough? I just want to be with my husband and have sex with him and enjoy it forever.

knowyourmeme.com/memes/name-one-thing-in-this-photo
>This picture is designed to give the viewer the simulated experience of having a stroke (particularly in the occipital lobe of the cerebral cortex, where visual perception occurs.) Everything looks hauntingly familiar but you just can't quite recognize anything.

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Made me,physically ill, so that checks out.

this times a thousand
find a new girl before your wife takes the house and the kids. also stop being needy youre only shooting yourself in the foot

had the exact same problem for 8 years bro. even worked together too. about a year ago I started making my exit strategy. got a new job and two months ago we got into a fight and I told her I was thinking about leaving. we went to a counselor who encouraged us to split up after 2 sessions.
From the day I mentioned leaving because of lack of sex my wife has acted like my dick ejaculates her dad's love and respect.
here's the problem, I stopped thinking of her sexually a couple years ago. so now having sex with my wife feels hollow and empty.
basically, drop divorce then hope to God you actually still want to fuck her.

Get in shape and cheat on her

This works like a charm

Probably she's fucking someone else though, women sex drive is not as high as men but it's also a thing

youtube.com/watch?v=FDW4nnfDjAw

here just keep watching videos of this guy and it'll all make sense OP

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>he fell for the marriage meme

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BRUH I LOVE FISH

>she's 200% banging another guy and OP is too onions to realize it. living his lie is easier than facing facts in this instance
they arent 20 mate

holy shit im never getting married. that being said, your wife sounds like worthless bitch. go find other pussy dude.