Is it bad that the only thing that motivates me to do anything is perfection?
This affects me in all aspects of my life. For example I let my room get extremely messy until I become depressed as a result of it all and then set specific dates where I plan to start everything again (so intensely clean my room, start healthy living, start caring about hygiene, working out). Then, once I have done all this, this new motivation lasts for a few weeks usually, then soon any slight problem will cause me to get to point 1 again. It happens because something small happens which spirals into me not caring about anything because it's not perfect anymore.
I can't pin-point exactly what triggers me to go into these spirals. I guess mostly it's school work, for example I think I can leave it until the last minute, then when the time comes I just don't do it and when I decide I'm not doing it I guess that is when I accept the absence of perfection and start neglecting my life. I see how crazy this is, writing it out, but I guess this is the best way to explain it.
My main problem is that I can't reset my school work (in the same way I can clean my room once it gets bad) therefore I usually excel during the beginning of the year and then start not caring at all towards the middle, leaving a large period of time in school filled with just catching up on late work and being sad because of it. This has caused me to become suicidal before however right now I'm doing a lot better because I have a nice friend who helps me.
Right now, I have exams coming up and I have not prepared a single bit, and I don't plan to. I am waiting till after the exams to "fix" my life again (as mentioned before, intensely clean my room, eat healthy e.t.c) and I'm just pushing through right now because I promised myself I will not fail this time. Right now, I have ZERO motivation to even read through one of my books because of my state of imperfection right now, it feels like I physically can't bring myself to. My hygiene suffers during these times however I do force myself to take care of it even though it takes a lot of mental effort.
I've been like this for a lot of my life however I can never explain it well when trying to get help and even if I did, no one would understand because it's completely irrational lol.
I'm making this post because I really wanted to write it out and get it off my chest and also I'm unsure as to whether I should make a mental effort to stop being like this (which will not be easy) or if I should make use of it by keeping a very tidy lifestyle, which is what I've planned. Writing this out I realise how crazy I sound which is upsetting because I don't have any way to change it. And even though I doubt it, if anyone has any experience like this then definitely let me know because I feel stupid. Ask me any questions if u want, I don't care if they're dumb.
pic related (me when start neglecting myself)
Joseph Allen
Ah shit. Same here. I have this stupid habit of deleting my browser history 3 times a day. I feel this urge of constantly cleaning and not leaving traces of things that could be misunderstood. Ironically this leads to people suspecting me about things I haven't done. I'm just running through cycles and getting my shit together so the next time I will be flawless, but the next time never comes and I become so unsatisfied.
I don't think I can change myself in this matter, but at least I'm constantly working and that will lead me somewhere (I guess).
I would say something like "perfection doesn't exist" so your obsession disappears, but we know that isn't going to work. I would recommend you a schedule so you can be a little bit productive.
Landon Rodriguez
man thanks for replying, reading this made me feel so much better. its all about cycles of unsatisfaction for me as well, its like i expect something so big but it doesnt happen and it all fails. i get ur struggles and i appreciate u and i hope you get through any troubles u have. i feel like i have a reason to study now lol.
Justin Kelly
High expectations and the fear of not being good enough can crush and depress our motivation to these absurd extremes. I'm glad to hear that my reply helped you a bit.
Cameron Davis
(still OP)
user have u ever talked to anyone irl about it? personally i found it rlly hard but i was wondering out of curiosity if u had. at one point i was really trying to find reasoning for this and i talked to someone but never found anything. I totally get deleting browser history, for me i get scared someone will see me searching up my medical problems lol. also someone i know has anxiety and says they clean a lot because of it but i dont know much about it.
Ethan Rivera
>user have u ever talked to anyone irl about it? Not really. I just do my things on my own.
Cleaning a lot is an obsessive urge, it is a sympton. I don't have social anxiety but I thing this urge could come from wanting to bury your past mistakes because of shame. Sometimes I just think about some cringey shit I did when I was 18.
Henry Garcia
oh i see, thats really sad when you think about it. i think your completely right because whenever i go through the whole cleansing thing i feel like my past is behind me and i'm starting over. i didn't really realise it though lol.
and by the way, one tip i have for embarrassing memories is just taking time to write it all out, ive done it here on Jow Forums and posted it and it makes me feel better and my brain doesn't try to bring it up as often. or just on a paper for yourself although i get scared about other people seeing it lol. i made this huge mistake once and couldn't get it out of my head and now it doesn't bother me, it got better with time as well.
Blake Davis
SAME HERE. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I'm a more extreme version of you, with way less ambition to do anything about it. My life revolves around these kinds of neuroses.
>beginning of semester >attend every class and do all homeworks >get an A- on some random assignment and I completely lose motivation >fail class
>have an exam on lets say the 10th >lets pretend its the 1st today >"theres 9 study days until the 10th, and the exam isn't that difficult, so I better chill for 2 days until I have a week left, i mean i do deserve it(i dont)" >7 days left >do nothing >"5 days should be enough, its a nice number too" >5 days left >do nothing
I'm about to fail the year too. Is this autism?
Noah Garcia
woow this feels awfully familiar. i get u so much. > its a nice number too i've never had anyone that understood this im shocked lol. i get this feeling a lottt especially when choosing days to clean my room and shit.
i no joke thought it was aspergers for a while and i still have no idea. i hope u get through it user, ive stopped caring about academics now but i hope you manage to pull through it
Camden Ward
Yeah. The sad thing is that I have to share these experiences anonymously. Oh well. No, it's not autism. This may mean that you need REAL pressure to begin with a task, and if nobody checks on you, then time will definitely press you. And of course, you end up stressed about that task and fail because there's no time left. If you really want to make it you need to sacrifice some of your time and be more organized. Do you have anxiety?
Brayden Walker
>do you have anxiety? Yes actually, I have a severe and debilitating social anxiety. It's why i'm here on Jow Forums in the first place. How did you know?
Wyatt Davis
I guess I know some things about psychology because I have free time. And I know what it feels being anxious about time slipping away and other things you can't control. How do you cope?
Grayson Perry
I cope by being awkwardly silent and never initiating conversations on the days that I actually do go to classes. I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'll fail the year. Fucking SHIT.
It might be some sort of fucked up OCD.
Blake Nelson
we think alike lol, i also thought it was OCD at one point i tried to get medical help and had a panic attack while explaining what it was, it was quite traumatising and i still dont know.
Dominic Kelly
I've been wanting to buy psych meds online to try on myself, because I'll never work up the courage to seek irl help for this. I have a feeling its going to screw me up even more, but I have to do something.
This behaviour isn't limited to school in my case. I always make new accounts on games if I feel they're not perfect in some way. I actually had to find new passwords on Steam because my actual, very unique password was being flagged as too common.
At least I know now that I'm not the only person with these problems.
Ryan Hughes
yeah right now my life is completely consumed by school, even though im not doing what i should be, im not doing what i want to do either. i still relate though ive made multiple email accounts because i feel like they are just "dirty" in a way, its weird knowing im not the only one lol.
what kind of meds were you thinking? i know how frustrating it is so it doesnt even seem like that bad of an idea to me, however if you do definitely research as much as possible beforehand.
Thomas Thompson
> what kind of meds were you thinking? Oh man. Everything from Adderal to the weird reasarch chemicals. I actually had a really cringe experience a couple of weeks ago. I read up on some apparent wonderdrug somewhere. It ticked all the boxes with no notable side effects. I went straight to the pharmacist like a rabid animal and asked for some.
She had no fucking clue what I was talking about so she took out her phone and googled it. She couldn't find anything but a sparse wikipedia article on it and some research papers. Apparently the drug isn't even out of clinical trials. I wanted to off myself right there from embarassment.
Cameron Hernandez
hahaha user thats so sad, going into the doctors or pharmacists makes me sooo uncomfortable so i feel ur pain. dont stress on it too much though its a funny story lol.
i want to try adderal as well, everyone who tries it says it works good. do you think any meds would solve these problems?
Don't you realize you have a god sent gift inside of you?. It's this desire for perfection what has propelled the humankind since it's inception to reach greatness, the spark, the light, you see it don't you? God's chosen people. Eyes on the sky, the ideal. It's truly a blessing. It's god's calling.
Find something to do with your gift.
Carter Long
Apparently it ruins your brain and kidneys, among other things. I have a relative who's on dialysis and I know for sure I'd never want to go through that. Worth looking into.
I'm sure there's something out there that'll help us. Part of my hesitation with meds is that... maybe it's all due to bad upbringing. Maybe I'm just a lazy dipshit who's too used to having everything given to him without working for it. Maybe I needed some military school. I don't know. What I do know is that it's getting worse in my case.
I have to prepare for that exam I was talking about. Hope you figure out something.
Noah Rivera
i cant say i see it as a gift but i guess i still havent used it to its full extent. thank you for at least giving me hope i really appreciate it. user i swear we are living the same life, i have the exact same thoughts but what helps is if you think about all the successful people who talk about their bad upbringing, it wouldnt make sense that it gave them a motivation to excel and gave us the exact opposite. mine is also at an all time low and im struggling to keep up with everything but hopefully it will all get better soon.
friends all think i'm lazy and careless and sometimes i agree with them but right now i want to say that its something more than that. good luck on your exam
Zachary Fisher
I've been a perfectionist since I was little and it's caused me serious issues once "real world" hit me. I was amazing at art, but now I can't get myself to draw anything out of fear it won't be perfect and so on. I've restarted a three month long workout because I messed up one set. I'm annoying my partner with the "I'm not perfect" type of talk and it hurts me when he says I am when I know I'm not but yadda yadda I'm perfect for him and all that.
Thing is, everyone has a different look on what's perfect and what's not. Thankfully, I've been able to listen to my rational voice a bit more before having another mental breakdown.
I'd say, don't try to do everything in one day, keep it spread out throughout the week so you can keep yourself occupied and not burn out in one day. I'm not sure how much this will help but it never hurts to try.
(And I really needed to get that off my chest.)
Adam Taylor
I'm the first guy that replied. I wanted to clarify that I don't take any meds so I can't really understand you but I admit I used to do the same as you 3 years ago and yes, I failed the year.
I wouldn't recommend anyone trying meds without prescription, anyway. I say this because I've witnessed some old friend of mine get really fucked up.
it makes me so sad seeing how you can have a talent for something but not be able to pursue it because of these irritional thoughts. ive never even thought of doing everything throughout one week but it actually sounds like a good idea so thank you user.
Julian Gonzalez
Didn’t read all that but you probably have OCD. Get a good therapist if you can.
Owen Martinez
ive researched it quite a lot and only mildly match some symptoms and when seeing documentaries i never feel the same as people with OCD.
