Jow Forums, how do I stop hating the idea of dating so much? (25 F btw, so it’s not a teenage thing or a “Hurr hurr modern women” thing)
I’ve only been in love once in my life. I don’t mean “I liked someone and they liked me back”, but generally felt romantic feelings for a person regardless of whether they returned them or not. Every guy’s just been sort of okay for me and nothing to write home about, no matter how hot or charming or whatever. Contrary to that, I’m a hopeless romantic who REALLY wants to fall in love, so it frustrates me that it just… Never seems to happen. In the past I tried to cope with it by telling myself that I probably have a soulmate out there who’ll be very happy to hear that he might as well be the only man in the world to me, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that that’s kind of bullshit. I’m scared that I’ll never meet anyone that I’ll feel that way about. I’m a social butterfly and I’ve got plenty of friends, so it stands to reason that it wouldn’t be hard for me to try and explore my feelings with a guy – But for some reason dating and getting to know someone with the intent to maybe fall in love with them in the future really wigs me out. I’ve done some psychoanalyzing based on my past experiences, and I think I might be scared of men. Not in general, just afraid that they might show a hidden dark side once love comes into the picture, if that makes any sense. Muh childhood, muh mom, blah blah blah it doesn’t really matter outside of the fact that that’s apparently how my subconscious feels.
This is a huge problem for me because I’ve come to know a guy who’s my type, and I really don’t meet guys with that sort of personality every day. My relationship with him as it stands is pretty complex, but I think it would be alright to try and feel things out with him anyhow. How do I force myself to go for it instead of falling into some sort of pit of anxiety-filled self-sabotage?
>How do I force myself to go for it instead of falling into some sort of pit of anxiety-filled self-sabotage? By realizing you'll regret not taking this opportunity should you find yourself, years later, alone.
Dominic Rodriguez
See, I'm worried about that sort of mindset because I don't want to be so afraid of being alone that I settle. At the same time, if I try to get to know a guy and he ends up liking me but I don't feel the same way, then that'd be leading him on. There doesn't seem to be any good options.
Eli Murphy
It's certainly hard to be genuine when you're freaking out internally... I know that all too well. Trust is also something I've found difficult. I don't even trust my own parent, it's more like there's just a certain amount that I'm allowing myself to be hurt. Relationships are difficult like that, you really don't want to invest your heart into somebody only to have it broken. I don't know much about soul mates, but it's not too unreasonable of a concept. With that said, we're always moving forwards, and it's difficult to really definitively lay claim to a specific set of characteristics when we don't really know what all the world has to offer in the first place. Perhaps the one we think is best for us isn't necessarily the one we had pictured in our minds. Maybe we come to appreciate these people instead.
In the end, I think there's really only so much a person can do. Putting up walls will only ever increase the distance between two people. There are times when you just need to have a bit of faith that things are going to work out, and let things play out as they may. Ask yourself what these people mean to you, and open yourself up accordingly.
I'm not really a fan of dating. It's way too little time to get to know somebody, all the while under the expectation that either a concise relationship be formed, or disavowed. It's far too stressful. I think it's better to just spend time with people, get to know them in a no-strings-attached platonic relationship, and then just let things take their course.
Eli Sanchez
>I think it's better to just spend time with people, get to know them in a no-strings-attached platonic relationship, and then just let things take their course. That's probably for the best, all things considered. It'll be hard to not get all defeatist about things if I don't start feeling anything for him, but that can't be helped.
Eli Bell
I know this is going to be a bit of an annoying question, but I'd like to ask what your definition of love is. What do you feel that you can expect from a relationship, or that a relationship can provide you?
David Carter
who said settling ;)
Levi Bailey
sex, kids, beyond that, not much
Jacob Garcia
Literally the emotion itself. I had a boyfriend once and being with him made me feel happy, and I want to feel that sort of happiness again. Obviously I don't expect things to be exactly like they were with him, but even a little bit of it would do. Something that doesn't just feel platonic.
Daniel Rogers
No one can't tell you how, because you haven't told us why you hate dating
Tyler Roberts
I'm not a woman, so I can't tell you what you should do.
Charles Rodriguez
You should take it more chilp. Think of it as an 'I'm going to go out and gave fun with a new person' rather than 'This is like a job interview for a BF'
Owen Nelson
You just hang out with a person that seems nice and wait around for the happiness to start. (Don't get me wrong, I don't think a relationship will solve all my problems and make me a ray of sunshine all the time, but I miss when someone else made me happy instead of it being just me.) What's not to hate?
I don't know the right way to go about doing it, I think. It seems that every time I hang out with a guy then they'd be perfectly happy to have me as a girlfriend, but I'm just not feeling anything back. I don't seem to be able to get crushes though, so hanging out with guys is the only way I have any hope of finding love in the first place, even if it means leading some of them on. The fact that I have trouble falling in love makes me feel like a really bad person, because everyone's been really nice to me, but I have to be mean by rejecting them.
Brody Hill
Are you after love, or are you simply seeking to fill the void in your heart?
If you judge future partners by the metric of your first experience, then I have no doubt that you will continue to be found wanting. Nobody can share the same memories you had with that person, that's what makes those memories special. Love is something that is mutual between two people, and it's something that you need to commit yourself to, not something that someone can simply give you.
Kevin Carter
I didn't say anything about settling; you haven't even gone out yet. You sound quite difficult.
Lincoln Morgan
Dating CAN be a drag. How about thinking of it as "hanging out with a friend"?
Michael Baker
Trust me, I'm after love. I'm just jealous of people who can feel infatuation towards a person and feel happiness just being with them despite receiving pretty much nothing from them. I want a happiness that comes from me and my perception, honestly, but it just isn't happening. Infatuation =/= Love, of course, but I think there has to be at least a little of that involved in a good relationship; if a relationship was just teamwork then there wouldn't be anything separating it from strong friendship.
I know. I'm trying to be less difficult. I'm just saying, I don't want to be that girl who decides that she's getting old and clings to the next good thing that comes along.
Alexander Lopez
>I know. I'm trying to be less difficult. I'm just saying, I don't want to be that girl who decides that she's getting old and clings to the next good thing that comes along. So don't do that. Just go on some dates. If he doesn't light your fire, stop seeing him.
Justin Butler
ah, so you can't get them to love them, even if they like you.
It doesn't mean, you can't be in a relationship, just tell them, what they can do or not do with you, and they'll have to accept your rules or go away.
There is no advice for making you attracted in something you are not, as they say, attraction is not a choice, even if you want to, you can't.
Samuel Young
sorry, no guarantees
you play the game, you might get hurt. no way around that.
to look at it coldly, you do have to engage in a bit of risk analysis when approaching someone.
Maybe in the short term, talk to friends who know you both that you trust about things. may make you feel better and clear your head
Zachary Ward
>Jow Forums, how do I stop hating the idea of dating so much? >don’t mean “I liked someone and they liked me back”, but generally felt romantic feelings for a person regardless of whether they returned them or not. Every guy’s just been sort of okay for me and nothing to write home about, no matter how hot or charming or whatever. Contrary to that, I’m a hopeless romantic who REALLY wants to fall in love, so it frustrates me that it just… Never seems to happen. You sound entitled+brainwashed by feminism >See, I'm worried about that sort of mindset because I don't want to be so afraid of being alone that I settle. Ditch your high standards, your not settling and the men you've even been telling "no" are most likely too good for you
Brayden Reyes
Normally id say its a guys job to provide safety/comfort and to show commitment in relationships, but these days guys are too scared of just going all in and making a girl their priority number 1. They want "proof" that its safe bet, "communication", equal effort and other bullshit which I dont think any girl ever found attractive for the most part
>if a relationship was just teamwork then there wouldn't be anything separating it from strong friendship.
You cannot possibly comprehend the extent to which this damages my soul. Bad human.
I think the real problem here is that your allowing your ideology to get in-between you and your goals. You have such a specific idea of what you want to happen, that anything else feels like a mistake. While it is your life and you're choices, that also makes them your consequences. When you put other people into such a small box like that, I think it's going to be very difficult for anybody to please you. Infatuation is for the young, and inexperienced. For everything else, an appreciation and understanding. Love in many ways is something that we shape and craft ourselves, it's not always something ever present as if in a fairy tale.
