Separation Advice

So, here's the low down:
I separated from my wife of 12 years last April. She slowly became a miserable, depressive person over the preceding couple years before that. I fell into the trap being around it all the time, and got super depressed and fat as fuck (like 290 fat). I moved out of the house, but instead of staying local I took a job in Colorado and went there. During that time, I decided to get my shit together, so changed my diet and exercise. While in Colorado, she came out to work (we are in sort of the same industry) and try to work out our shit for a couple months. She eventually flaked out because it was 'too much to deal with".

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Turns out she had moved some dude into the house. I had been seeing a couple other people, but nothing serious and was mostly focused on work. She had been lying to me about the dude in the house, and also lying to him about what was really going on here. I had basically given up on her coming out (her deadbeat dad lives with us and deadbeat family lives within a mile of our house). We didn't really talk, and when we did, it was generally ugly. Being with her for past couple years had utterly destroyed my self-confidence to the point where I could meet women (got really fat, son) But I actually got my shit was more together than it had ever been, and in a very rapid manner. I lost all that I gained, plus some. I am now down to the same weight I was in highschool (am 36), look better than ever, and have been murdering it at work to the point where I had made a six figures with a 4 (looking more like a 5 now) on the front. I started to get my confidence back. I began to go out on the weekends with friends from work to mingle. Almost every weekend we got out, I pull a hot woman. I've even met a couple that I really like, and have been dating one semi-seriously. Fast forward to the present, and she wants to come out and try to work it out. While we have been separated though, she got fucking fat and borderline unattractive. I flew her out a few weeks ago to visit, and she literally spent most of it playing on her phone. We only had sex once because "she felt unattractive", and the rest of it was her just fucking with some stupid game on her phone. We sort of made a plan for her to maybe come out in a couple months. Now, she wants to come literally in a few days. She quit her job without having a employment plan for here, and it seems more and more like she just wants to get away from her family. The more I think about it, the less I want her to come. I still love her, and she did used to be my best friend and actual life partner.

But now she's left me alone for too long. Things for me are the best they have ever been, while she seems to going in the exact opposite direction. I've been having a great time on my own going out and meeting new people and taking home women that are way more attractive and "together" than my wife is now(maybe ever be). She's supposed to be here tomorrow or Monday, and instead of being excited, I'm ignoring her calls and marathon banged a chick I've been seeing for the last couple months. WTF should I do? She used to be pretty. She used to be my actual partner in life. She used to be, and still sort of is, my best fucking friend. Now she's fat and has let everything we worked together to build just fall apart. I used to have this noble idea that I made a commitment and I should make every attempt to honor it, but now I just don't know.

I have been mulling over a few options
>Make up some bullshit to by me 30-60 days to think about it more
>Tell her the absolute truth that I've been seeing someone else for a while now
>Bring her out with all the potential bullshit and give it a shot

>I still love her, and she did used to be my best friend and actual life partner But now she's left me alone for too long.

Straight to my feels. In a similar boat op. Its a tough call OP but did notice it seems like you respected the commitment and one thing i absolutely couldn't stand about my wife was her constant lying about everything. It was almost psychotic. So now that she sees you doing better and making bank obviously she'd want to come back after her partners were no good

Also seems like you're better off without her but the attachment and memories are strong. I'd want to get over my ex-wife too but the attachment and feeling sorry for her after I've moved on and she's finally got her head outta her ass would hurt me again. My wife was my everything. I guess this how you maybe feel as well?

In Sickness and in health, Make up your mind or don’t. nothing is going to be like it was, if you love her you’d tell the truth.

She had her chance to work it out with me before I left. I made counseling appointments, the whole 9 yards. Instead of participating, she stayed at her loser sisters and getting hammered every night. She made zero effort when things got tough. It's sort of a recurring life theme with her. It extends to hobbies, jobs, and obviously our marriage. While I was getting my life together, she was letting it fall apart. I'm honestly leaning toward a variant of option A so I have time to think. This whole thing was not supposed to happen for another couple months.

Things are literally the best they have ever been. I'm honestly afraid that when things get hard again, and they most assuredly will sometime, she will just bail again. If she does come, we have already agreed that she pays her own bills. I don't pay anything associated with the mortgage, her cc bills, etc.. I have been very clear that I am not the gravy train, and she's responsible for her own shit. I hate to say it, but she's sort of become that archetypical "loser" that I fucking despise. I made a tremendous effort to work shit out, but she always had some bullshit of her creation get in the way. It's been over a year now. I was never really the guy to bang hot chicks on the regular (am actually good looking, but just shitty self-confidence for a while). Now I am. And I like it.

Tell she needs to change or youll move on. Youre ultimately on this planet for you

You were married for 12 years? Where are your children in this story?

Same I've been making an effort to work this out every day but now it seems like im begging for someone who fell outta love .so im trying to pick up the rest of myself and continue life. She's busy with work all the time but im sure she can always make time atleast an hour of the day but chooses to ignore me or make shit up. When we were together I'd always have to wait for her til late hours of the day. Most days i wouldn't see her til she got home and it would frustrate me because i just wanted to be with her but she had other plans.

Back to your options. In my opinion waiting for time is just bad. You're going to be beating yourself up again thinking and planning what to do when the time comes. I like to skip all that but also depends if you really want her or try this with the new girl.

2. Telling her about your new partner seems more of an option. You can try telling her about her lies and she left you alone too long and now that the chances of getting back together are slim. I actually wish my wife would be suggesting to move back in but hey maybe not yet..or not at all.

3. If you love her unconditionally and KNOW things will change and its not a front by all means at the end its your wife but know she's probably been around the block too

No relationship of 12 years lasts if you don't have kids

If she’s a dud, just avoiding conflict with you because she can’t be bothered to fix her life with you. Then I get it, there’s better women out there obviously. Hope you don’t get fucked with alimony.

I don't think she will, honestly. I put a lot out there emotionally to try to work it out, only to be shit on. Now all of a sudden she gets it? I fucking doubt it, but maybe she does. In the meantime, I've been left to my own devices for too long, jaded from her constant disappointments. Now I have my confidence back. I was so worried about being 36 and starting over alone that I let it cloud my judgement. I'm 6'2, blonde, blue eyed, good looking, not fat ass anymore, and I'm going to make 500k this year...women would be retarded not to want me. Took me a long time to realize that. Now I have to shut it off? Fuuuuucked you...you had your chance.

I am still technically a resident of a non-alimony state. She has to literally prove she's crazy and can't work because of it to receive any maintenance income from me. Also, our only real joint asset is the house, which she can fucking have. If she wanted to make it ugly, she can't afford a lawyer and she would be the one on the shit end of the stick for sure

No children. Just never happened. Thank God that isn't a factor in this whole situation.

Call her right now. Tell her she had over a year to fix this with you and that chance is gone. Good chance is if you guys meet it'll only fuck with your head or she could be pregnant and pull a fast one on you

I even went as far as to tell the woman I've been seeing exactly what was going to go down. Took her out to dinner and told her. Agreed to still be friends and it will never be mentioned to the wife (she has no idea who she is). But then all that went to shit when she ended up back at my place, and I spent most of the night plowing her. Wife was supposed to be here the next day. I didn't feel bad about it at all. As someone who was 100% loyal while married and would have never considered cheating on my wife, the fact that I did it when I knew better and didn't feel bad about it at all made me think I was making a mistake.

What I really want is a month of two to figure out if this is what I really want. I've been so busy with work, I haven't had a chance until fairly recently to evaluate what I really want.

it means for sure that you no longer love your wife. You feel guilty for breaking your lifelong commitment and you probably should because marriage is sacred. At this point though you might as well serve her the papers. She wasn't faithful to you first anyway by the sounds of it. You should have ended it right there.

I didn't feel one bit guilty. Should have, but didn't. The other woman kept saying "your bad" and "you shouldn't be doing this" as I was fucking her, and it only made it better. The thought "you know she's right" definitely never crossed my mind.

That's what I'm saying. You're only saying should have because you feel guilty about not feeling guilty. It's clear you no longer love your wife and are ready to sleep with other women.

JFC this is old but, just because you lost weight and were banging women and your wife was depressed in another state doesn't mean your life is getting better and you're better than she is.

You started CHEATING. "Seeing" other women even as ego boosters and potential sexual partners before your wife decided to try to make things work with your abusive ass is CHEATING. "Nothing serious" is still seeing other women. CHEATING.

Your wife probably knew this would happen hence getting guy moved in to help with paying for things. If you leave her she'll find another, because being fatter doesn't make her less appealing to others, as it shouldn't.

Your life is shit either way you decide to go, mate.

People change. It happens. You swallow it, you accept the happy memories as memory and nothing more, and you build a new experience with someone.

You know what she is now. Either you bring her around knowing that, or you approach this directly and say it's not what it used to be and you don't want to keep pretending.

Divorce, be free. There's time to find someone else, and divorcing doesn't mean you cannot be together ever again, just that you should break up for legal issues, to live on your own. She will have this as a shock and maybe change, sadly it's something she has to do for herself.

I was definitely not "cheating". At that point in time when I started seeing someone else, it had been months and I was basically just waiting on the papers. And yes, I would honestly say that I am "better" than her now. We used to be equals, but when she can't even handle the emotional strain of basic life shit like "keep a job" then we are no longer equal. I'm not even sure when the retard moved in, and frankly I give zero shits. This is the type of pressure that presents a person's true character. In the face of my life being totally fucked, I chose to get my shit together and get to work reorganizing my life. She just gave the fuck up on everything. It's not even that she's gotten chubby. I honestly don't really care about that. It's the lack of drive and follow through that kills it for me. We both used to take care of ourselves. Depression can be a motherfucker, but I had the prescience to address the problem and fix it. She just lives in it. When we do talk, she complains about all the shit she has to do now and how she can barely pay the bills, etc. My response is always "you got exactly what you wanted". Things really have just magically fallen into place for me, while she is on the verge of her entire life falling apart. For the first time in a very long time, I am putting myself and my needs first. Before it was her deadbeat sister always wanting to borrow money. Or maybe her loser dad, that is also incapable of basic life shit, living with us and sponging off of me to stay alive. How about her drama queen cousin and her oxy-addicted aunt that live across the street always trying to get her involved in their endless stream if bullshit. Their needs came before our marriage countless times. Not anymore.

Don't let fuckin Anons gaslight you you wacky bitch, just tell your fuckin ex that you aren't comfortable with this and want to proceed with your own life your own way

It sounds like it was hard to get there at all. I have to consider how Im gonna break that one to my girl but we'll see if maybe she doesn't pick her pant legs up and scoot.

She more than likely knows what's up. She "accidentally" logged into my T-Mobile account recently and was questioning who I was calling/texting late at night. She ironically picked up on a co-workers number, and not the woman I have been seeing. We also would talk on the phone on a fairly frequent basis, but the frequency has dropped dramatically on my end the last couple months. The first time we made a go of working it out I was honest with her about seeing someone else. She was not honest with me about the jobless faggot that had moved himself into our house, however. I found out when he randomly started messaging me talking shit.

She's not really the "ex" yet, as we are still legally married. It's not even like I go out hunting for women to take home when I go out. They sort of find me. And it's not skeezy thots either. They are actual hot professional women with real jobs and actual goals that handle their shit. I'm back to being a good looking, confident man again and women are drawn to it without much effort on my part. I haven't had that happen in a long ass time, and now that it is again, it feels amazing.

Why the fuck would you get married if not to have kids? You just wanted to make half of everything you own belong to some chick you like fucking?

I love my wife still in certain aspects. I have a super fucked up sense of humor, and she's one of the only one's that gets it. An example is our surrogate name for Law and Order: SVU. We call it Rapin' Bitches. I could never get away with that with Karen, but the wife just gets it. The problem comes with her failure to follow through with almost everything. When things get hard, she folds up. If I do choose to work it out, it will be hard again because life and marriage is not easy. Her wanting to come here on a whim ahead of any plans we had made is an example of that. Things are hard at home for her. Instead of nutting up and fixing it before she makes a drastic life change, she just wants to ignore it and come here with me. She doesn't seem to understand that life is not easy sometimes, people have to do things they don't want to do in the present to have the ability to do what they actually want in the future, and that running from problems doesn't solve shit. These were important lessons I had hoped she learned while we were apart, but it doesn't seem so.

We tried, it just wasn't meant to be. And in Indiana, she doesn't get half my shit. Since she spends money like it's going out of style, there isn't much to split. We can split our assets, but that consists of pretty much the house. She got nasty a while back and made some idle bullshit threats. But at the end of the day, I make 35-50k a month and she makes 14 bucks an hour at Home Depot. She can't afford a lawyer, and knows better than to play that kind of game with me. She also can't get alimony unless she proves to a judge she is legitimately crazy and can't hold gainful employment because of said craziness.

You're making excuses and ignoring my point. Talk to her, not us, about this.

And it's not just about fucking, son. The sex wasn't even amazing, just good. The woman I see now fucks like she's Moses stranded for 40 years in the dick desert. We used to work together. We used to have each other's backs no matter what. Then we moved back out by her family, and their needs started to take priority over ours.
>"Sister, can you loan me 2k to get a place, I'll promise I'll pay you back. I'm going to get kicked out of my place, and I have nowhere to go Your husband makes plenty of money and somehow my deadbeat, loser ass is entitled to it even though I will never attempt to pay it back and will spend it on booze instead of actually important shit".

Sometimes it helps to blue-sky shit with random strangers on the internet, homie.