I'm 21. How do I deal with the fact that my father didn't want anything to do with me?

That's rough to not feel loved but you have to try to be grateful for the good people in your life. Think of him as a sperm donor only.

When I was 3

That's because you're imagining him as a 60s sitcom dad.
But he was the kind of man who would abandon his family, and his own child, so not the kind of man you want in your life.

You have to learn to forgive yourself. You're not responsible for the poor decisions he made. And it doesn't have any bearing on the type of person you are. Just always try to be the best version of yourself you can be irrespective of the past.

do you have some frame of reference in real life that you are holding up in comparison to idolise him?

your interest doesnt make sense to us. Explain it.

All I remember about him is my last meeting with him.

He gave me a lollipop and a $1 bill. I just wish I had a father to teach me about life.

>I just wish I had a father to teach me about life.
That's not your father tho. Your father is an irresponsible asshole, and you're not missing out by not having him in your life.

You can find other people to guide you through life.

this does not explain why your posts seem to be obsessing about him.

your language is too specific.

if you meant 'a father figure' the whole time, thats one thing, but OP said >How do I deal with the fact that my father didn't want anything to do with me?

Your father was a flawed human being.

I'm obsessed with him because the person that gave half of my DNA wants nothing to do with me, which i think is fucked up

chop off his genitalia and whisper "this spermatazoa is taking his home back"

27 here.

My parents are divorced, have been since before I was born. Only seen my dad a few times in my life.

He says he loves me, yet makes no effort to contact me. I last saw him when I was 11, last spoke to him when I was 24, where he promised to fly me out to Connecticut to visit him for my 25 birthday. I said okay, but knew he wouldn't. Birthday came and went, didn't even get a call to say happy birthday. Guy is loaded so I know money ain't the issue, and he's retired so I know he has free time. Hell I would've bought a ticket myself if he asked in earnest.

Personally I can only really say get over it OP. If your mom took good care of you like my mom did me with no help from my dad (she didn't want child support cause he cheated on her and she wanted nothing to do with him), take good care of her and leave it at that. If he tries to make contact, I wouldn't deny it, but don't get your hopes up for a relationship that will likely never be.

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My mother left when I was 9 because of an argument where she wanted to spend money on another holiday and my father was sick of her lifestyle, lack of focus on the family, house and spending. I had to see her once a week. She was a hedonist, very self centred. She was into poly relationships, travelling, drugs and raves. Very unconventional.

ANYWAY. I never gave a shit really until recently when I thought back on it and I think about our adult relationship. She complains a lot to me about minor stuff. She is quite a bitter and unhappy person. She guilt trips me a lot for not playing the typical role of adult son. She complains a lot about money.

I think back to this and I'm like. You never wanted anything to do with me growing up. You were entirely absorbed by your social life and own drives and desires. I had dinner with you once a week and you make the minimum effort possible at every point. Most of the time I watched you smoke cigarettes until it was time to leave. I moved away from the area at 17, but up until that point you never did anything with me. You never took me anywhere. No day trips. No holiday. Occasionally I'd sit with you in a bar because you were already in a bar, but otherwise that was it. You never took me anywhere.

She has said that she wasn't ready to be a parent. She didn't want a typical family, house etc. She was scared of doing that. My father and her always intended living more like hippies, growing their own food, keeping chickens, pigs, working less.

The issue was my father was doing all the work and taking financial steps to free us from having to work. She was doing all the partying and wanting to take literal 6 holidays a year. During the divorce she was REALLY angry at my father because she wanted money. She wanted to sell everything so she could get her half. He refused and dragged it out for years defending himself in court. He wasn't willing to lose his land. She wasn't able to afford court or represent herself very well.

Anyway man I'm just venting. She could only threaten court, had neither skills or money to take it much further and the fact he never took any money from her and was happy to raise my sister and I without any financial assistance from her meant he had a strong case. Also she earned a lot more than him. When it eventually HAD to be settled he still had to write her a cheque for 60 grand. He retired at 42 and is very content. She worked up until 65 and isn't happy with her lifestyle.

Anyway. Years. She did her best. Zero fucks were given. But now ... I'm really fucking annoyed that she never did anything with me. It wouldn't have killed her over the years to have taken me swimming or to dinner or on a day trip or on holiday. But no, everything was what she wanted to do all the time.

And now, years later she wants a relationship and she explains her behaviour without an apology, just as ... that is what I was and what I am and you should feel sorry for me because I'm expressing a vulnerability.

That I'm struggling to deal with. But whatever.

What'd she do for money if she somehow made more than Poppa Responsibility?

My father has a fair plot of land and an old house which he was always working on. He fixed the odd car for locals, sold a few eggs, grew a fair bit of food. We did a little hunting, but is the kind of guy to eat road kill. He did a lot of fabrication, built interesting stuff out of scrap, did some welding, has a workshop. He is the kind of guy who will proudly tell you how he lives on a dollar a day. On paper he earned about 10 grand a year. My mother was a nurse manager with clinical experience. On paper she was earning about 65 grand a year. She seemingly never had any money though. She was always supporting deadbeat partners, getting ripped off by friends and family and spending. Like new cars, hot tub and constant holidays. Also shit like drinking, going out, smoking a packet of cigarettes a day, just being absolutely shit with money.

Hebrews 12:5-11 ESV
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. [6] For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." [7] It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? [8] If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. [9] Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? [10] For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. [11] For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Romans 8:14-17 ESV
For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. [15] For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" [16] The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, [17] and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Matthew 12:31-32 KJV
Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men. [32] And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.

Be successful and happy without him. Let him see what he missed out on by not knowing you.

Living well is the best revenge

Imagine going through nursing school and still destroying your body.

Anyway idk. Take care of your pops, he seems like a nice guy. Maybe your mom is genuine and in her old age finally realizes the error of her ways. Give her the opportunity to express herself, and be honest about how you feel deep down. If you truly feel it'd take an apology to begin to mend things, make sure she understands this. Don't be hostile, just clear.

We have one shot at life. No sense holding grudges to those who truly want to change.