Hi

hi.
Sorry if i cant express my emotions properly, or im confusing in anyway.

How do i get out of an abusive relationship? The issue isn't just leave them, forget blah blah. Its online too its even easier for me to do that. But when i try, my heart hurts so much. i end up crying more and moree as time goes on untill i beg the abuser for forgiveness untill they let me back into there world. How do i not? how do i truely not want to come back? Its gotten to a point where they fight with me almost every night over things i cant control anymore. Things like "If you plan on dating other people let me know so I can leave. I'll come back when I'm fine with it." and "I know you talk to a bunch of guys behind my back, you probably send nudes to them too and its so fucking pathetic". I dont know it matters or not, but they are only mean and unreasonable when they are tired. I used to ask for good morning mesesages as i've send them as well, there always extremely pissed in the morning. Same as goodnights. When there not tired, there so sweet and kind to me.

Sorry if this is super retarded. They've made me feel bad and accused me of cheating or this and that whenever i had friends, so there the only person i have in my life. When they leave me for random peroids i get extremely lonely. so maybe i just want to talk to someone. sorry.

pic unrelated.

Attached: Elf Diploma.png (500x900, 184K)

I always say sorry too, i always end up blaming myself for the fight.

You are too emotional and it dosent help when he guilts you. He doesn’t actually care about you, he just want to control you.
You do have to get him out of your life. Full block. It’s really no other way, but i think you already know that too. Sorry

I do know that! and ihave tired, a few times. I've even found a new bf thats actually nice, successful caring and in general a perfect guy. But after a few weeks, the thought of losing the abuser was too much.

>He dosn't actually care about you
Everyone says that. I used to watch movies i think or something about abused people focus'd on the fact "He used to be better, hes nice inside i dont know whats wrong with him!" Its like, but not. Its true, before we dated it actually used to be better. We'd still fight and stuff but not as much. it feels different though, i feel so sad saying it. When hes not tired hes so like sweet. If the fights dont get to the point of us "leaving eachother (kek)" he always asks for forgiveness in the morning. (not when he should be awake, hes probably still mad then) but after a while of him been awake. To me i feel like he realised whats hes done and he feels bad. Really bad, hes chased me far before I keep telling myself there bipolar, or its me and i need to change. I truely believe it too, when we fight i try my hardest not to break and fight back, and i try my hardest not to insinuate mean things. When i do i feel so free, and happy? but after an hour or so i end up been stuck in remorse and regret, after a day or so im back at wanting forgiveness. Before we dated, all the people hes dated left him too. He knows why as well, he knows he can be a bully and he knows he abuses.I dont think he tries to be manipulative, i think hes that way based of his own insecurities and lack of self love.

Thats my issue though user.
>he dosnt care about you
This. I wish for this to be true, this is the only change in my thought i need to find someone better. But no matter what i cant accept it. He does care, it shows in his regret and sorrow later on. But everyone i've met has said that.

How do i accept that too? or get to that point of view as well.

Also yes, i am extremely emotional. My job dosn't really require me to talk to people, and i can technically work from home if i want. (i shouldn't, but if i dont turn up to work one day its not biggie as i can do things from home.)

You feel guilty. You feel you did something wrong and you want to fix what you did but cant. So you feel guilty. Thing is, you didnt do anything wrong. Thats why they call this an abusive relationship, you didnt do anything wrong to warrant abuse. SO How I look at it is, this person makes me feel all these hurting emotions, this person does not gel well with me. I have to leave.

ive been there..honestly it can be so extremely hard, i used to fight with my ex every single day, but you really just have to find ways to slowly distance yourself, when we would take breaks from eachother i felt so free! but i would always end up getting back with him, it took so much for me to get away from him, i was fooling myself, trying to come up with excuses for him but it's not worth it, what i did was i found someone to distract myself from him, you can't let his guilt get to you, you're not being selfish if you find someone else. basically, if you want to know what i did, i found someone who made me happier than my ex, spent more and more time with that person, realized that theres more to life than people who cant see the good in you, i promise you, theres people who would love to be your friend, and who can distract you from him, i cant tell you how many nights i called friends to take my mind off of him, in the end, once you get away and find someone else, your happiness will be immense, and yeah your ex might try contacting you and mine sent me 200 texts one night but i just stayed with a close friend and they helped me through it, you seem like a nice person, sorry this is so long but i can relate to you so well

(1)
>21014466
I agree with you a lot. One time (before we were dating) i met this really nice guy, and he was so fucking awesome. He genuinally cared about me, he loved me, he even paid for my rent for a few weeks because i was so dead and depressed about my abuser leaving me again that i couldnt work. He was kind and passionate and he ALWAYS had time for me, he always wanted me around and wanted to just be with me. When we fought he'd get mad sure, but then come back, say sorry, he wouldn't guilt me for it and he never brought up things i had said or done in past fights. And no matter how much time i spent with him, even if i was just spending all day with him. I'd still miss my abuser, i'd still check up on him and stalk him a bit. I'd check to see if there doing ok. Its hard. When your sitting in home all those nights when you had to call friends, you where thinkign what i am now right? "i miss him, but i have to stay away from him, hes not good hes everything but good." right?

Maybe i just need more friends to talk to. Either way, no matter what i do i cant just stay gone. I wish i could get over him and leave and just bounce. Its like a drug, i cant handle thee withdrawls so i crawl back just hoping and praying that hes changed.

(2)
If we fight over complete bullcrap he sometimes says i didnt do anything wrong as well. And yes, i do feel guilty. A lot, every time i make a mistake i feel mass guilt. Its getting worse and worse because we fight more and more.

We actually broke up recently. hence the quote about dating above, because afterwards we stayed best friends. I've been his best friend for like 4 years and i've loved him for most of it. after a fight we just had, he left me. After he left i had an initial burst of rage, now that im calming down though im thinking all the shit i dont want too. ("im sorry, my fault, im to blame blah blah blah")
but when we are both calm, its so different. When we are not fighting we make each other laugh so hard, we have so much fun doing shit together. I really hate, no loath admitting this but without him i feel so empty and dead. With him i feel so good. When we are not fighting, we get along so well together, we are so perfect together. Thats why its hard to leave because of these fights.

I dont think he try's to be abusive. I think its his own insurcurities/issues and since he has feelings for me he takes it out on me. He has a lot of jealousy problems. I know for a fact, if he learned to love himself a lot more i feel like he wouldn't be as abusive anymore. I can tell most of the time we fight its because of something hes insecure about, something hes jealous or scared about.

"You tell everything to person x, you have secret friends on discord, who are these random people you've just added there flirtring with you?" Unless ive genunnally caused the fight, its always about something hes insecure about. thats another reason why its hard to leave.

thats exactly what i was thinking, and yeah shit i had thoughts of messaging my abuser in the beginning but after spending all my time with my current boyfriend, i feel good, but heres the thing though, i tell my current boyfriend everything and we laugh together about how silly it was for me to stay with my abuser, why do you think you always run back to your abuser? is it the thrill? its been a year now since i left mine so ive long forgotten that feeling, but yeah i would think that i was nothing without my abuser, i practically exposed such vulnerability to my abuser i felt as though i was constantly stuck, but i believe in you, and i think i know exactly how you feel, i never cried so much in my life before i met my abuser, i would cry every night over his shitty remarks!! anyway sorry for rambling..

to me, it doesn't sound like he's mature enough to have faith in you, to trust you, it's not your job to hurt yourself to heal him, i had to learn that the hard way, if he has insecurities, it's very kind of you to help him, but if all he does is hurt you in return, its not worth it, how did you break up with the guy that paid your rent if you dont mind me asking

well it seems to me now you try to prove yourself worthy to your abuser, want to gain acceptance, but this behavior has mad you angrier and lash in a lighter way but mirror your abuser. You want to do everything right but everything goes wrong so you want to fix it or get a do over. I have that issue too. You got to say its not as bad as it actually is, you arent a horrible person, and look at the negative feelings for what they are and not a reflection of you. So negative emotions dont make you negative person, its when you act on those negative emotions that makes you a negative person.

(1)
No. I like reading what you're saying. I've only really cried more before meeting him because i broke my arm and couldn't play video games.

I run back not because of a thrill. I run back because after running for so long i feel like theres no where else to go. I feel like im running fatheer and father into a void without him. I dont want to leave him because i feel like he genuinally dosn't mean it. During the fight we just had he said he wanted to leave for me and it fixes me blah blah, but also him. Hee wanted to work out things for him and stuff. Hes said this before though, and after waiting for almot a month one time we finally got back, and things where better for a while but we started falling again.

I agree with you, this is why i cannot leave. He dosnt have faith in me or trust in me.
>all he does is hurt you in return
My i didnt mean it like that! he does hurt me, so much. too much. But during the day he does the oppisite, he brings light to my world! calls me cute names and makes me feel like a goddess. It hurts so much when he hurts me and it hurts even more when we leave each other because i know hes sitting there filled with guilt and regret.

>how did you break up with the guy that paid your rent if you dont mind me asking
This is a reason i want to leave him.
He knew everything, the rent guy. ill call him xo, xo knew what i have been thru, he knew everything that was going on and he wanted to help me so much. I'd tell him to i'd say "I miss abuser, im sad without him." He wouldn't get mad that i miss him and stuff. he'd help me. ALSO i have to note, i have trouble dealing with multiple VIP's in my lifee because of how clingy and how much i latch onto people. So if i wanted abuser back, xo would fade into someone that i sometimes play video games with.

you can tell how it ended already, crawled back to abuser. XO was so nice and caring, all be it dissapointed about it. After a while we just faded apart.

This means a lot to me, thank you. xo said stuff like this too. When i was sad i used to listen to sad music, all my steam shit would be sad and stuff. He told me sad people that live in a sad world stay sad because they surround themselves and remind themselves of sadness. Or something like that.

>Im not a horrible person.
Thank you.

>This is a reason i want to leave him.
talking about my abuser here, sorry if it was confusing.

maybe you need to seperate yourself a bit.
like your sad life, then social life, gaming life. Almost like you would do if you had a multiple personality, but you physically do it.
I got an Idea!
So you like video games.
How bout when you game you dress up in some kind of outfit when in your gaming mood. Like what ever you feel to make yourself feel like you are a version of yourself.
Sad stuff put on goth makeup, social life you know what you need for that.

>I run back not because of a thrill. I run back because after running for so long i feel like theres no where else to go.
gosh that made me tear up a little i know exactly what you mean, i remember my abuser leaving me voicemail after voicemail, his voice would be like a knife in my stomach, and maybe you could just pretend to go to sleep at night like when he gets tired? and hahaha goodmorning messages and goodnight messages bring back memories, but slowly, i feel as though all men start to stagger on things like this, why would your abuser be so worried about you cheating though? and maybe i really want to say youre better of trying to fix things, if someone as perfect as xo faded away, this abuser must have something special..i hate to see you get hurt

stagger on things? I am a guy btw and obviously not op, but what is it you mean?

sorry im retarded, i meant fall short or like they dont come through..they dont follow through if that makes sense

with a goodmorning? like something along the lines of not saying, whats your plans today kind of thing?

Thats a nice idea.

Escaping from reality and being someone else. I really do do this, when i play video games im to focused on that to think about him. When i do work its the same. but after im done, i return back to who i am, the situation im in.

I think its a mix of self projection and fear of me actually cheating on him. One time he cheated on someone, he didnt mean too at all. he did it when the relationship he had wasn;t serious on both sides. Afteer both sides got serious, one found out what happened and thats that. Hes dated a lot of people in the years i've spend with him. i've kind of not. One time i did though, i found this really cute boy and glued on him. i told my abuser, because at the time as my best friend if im dating someone its important to tell right? he didnt take it to well. (this was before he wanted to date me, but had told me he loved me but was confused and ditn want to date) in the end he got all upseet saying he really did love me and this and that. He brought that up today, He says total bullcrap when hes mad so i think he was blowing it out of proportion to guilt me or something. Things will be fixed, but things will fall apart again. its been almost 3 years of this. First year i was with him he didnt know about my feelings for him.
>i hate to see you get hurt
Thank you. This means a lot. Now that i've calmed down a lot, im doing ok.

To me, i message him things like "Goodmorning prince, have a good day!" or "Goodmoring sweetie, hope you slept well."

I'd like for stuff like that in return, but the most i ever got was just a goodmorning, sometimes upto 3-4 hours after he woke up.

to me, goodmorning messages just meant like a long message of have a nice day, i love yous, stuff like that, i probably just set my standards too high but yeah, in the beginning the messages are very loving and considerate, but as time goes on, they get shorter and less loving and more just "have a good day"..maybe i just sound like a bitch...

>Escaping from reality and being someone else. I really do do this, when i play video games im to focused on that to think about him. When i do work its the same. but after im done, i return back to who i am, the situation im in.
nononono, I am not saying that, I am saying be you if you were a goofball while playing video games. What ever inspiration that you get from the games make that feeling a full on personality trait of yourself.

oh man my bad.
I get you, whatever gives me joy while doing x i should amplify it and make that joy everything? So, if i liked eating cake i would dress up as a cake and cake or something kek. Right?

OOOOOHHH
Ok we are getting some where!
Thing is we have gotten super comfortable with you, thats why. Like we do that shit with our boys where we got shit to do and we wont talk for weeks but be the same when we chat.
So they arent treating you like a guest in his house and he is happy to entertain you, and now you are a regular so there is no need for the song and dance.

sure, what ever gets it out of your system. You know you have an indoor voice and an Outdoor voice? just think with personality. You are too sad because you see yourself as only this negative person when you dont let yourself see yourself be anything else.

This is true. I feel really better.

I have to keep this outlook.
Im going to take the time i have away from him to try improve myself. If either of us come back to each other im going to save this thread so i can read over it. If not, then ill eventually find someone thats good for me.