I have a shitload of problems and I don't know where to begin, so I'm just gonna blurt it all out

I have a shitload of problems and I don't know where to begin, so I'm just gonna blurt it all out.
>am 27, white, male
>Have muscular dystrophy; stuck in a wheelchair, can't do much of anything for myself. Can't get dressed, go to the bathroom, or prepare meals on my own.
>in near-constant physical pain due to terrible posture and an old surgery that has a lot of scar tissue
>on heart meds for cardiomyopathy (thankfully under control and not related to my MD)
>these two combine to make me a nervous wreck, I often lose sleep worrying I'm having a heart attack
>live in super small, dead town, with my mom. No jobs available that don't require physical strength
>in the last 4 years, I have lost 2 uncles, my sister, my dad, my dog, my grandfather, and a few family friends. I have also been in and out of the hospital for the flu, a UTI, and a twisted testicle (which had to be removed).
>not self-motivated at all; I did great in school, but I need someone providing guidance and deadlines to get things done. Once I get started I can work diligently, but I struggle to get started on my own.
>have absolutely zero experience with females. The farthest I got with a girl was a single hug, from a girl I later realized was using me to get good grades
>Afraid to seek professional help because I live in NY, a very anti-gun state. I love guns, because they're fun, they're the only way I could possibly protect myself since I absolutely cant fight, and they help me stay connected with my dad and grandfather. I am very worried that if I have a mental health record, they will seize my guns.

The only things I have going for me are thus:
>I'm pretty smart; graduated summa cum laude with a GPA of 3.7, with a bachelor's in computer science in 2013.
>I have a small group of very close friends
help me

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I saw this like 3 times before

I think it's the 4th time I've posted it. I'm hoping eventually I'll get some good advice.

Atleast youre a cum lord user

Too broad, what specifically do you want advice on. Might be best to take it piece by piece.

I thought about that, but my problems are all compounding. They're all inter-related. My disability makes employment difficult. My disability makes getting positive female attention difficult. My lack of employment also makes getting positive female attention difficult.

There's no individual problems to work on. It seems to be all or nothing, as far as I can tell.

What exactly are you good at?
There’s got to be something you enjoy doing to keep sane. Whatever talents you have lean into them and build a online persona that welcomes communication. There’s got to be women out there who are interested in what you’re good at.

My suggestion if you don’t have any creative hobbies is to learn how to make music with a computer. Or write short stories from your perspective. You need to stand out from other men who think existing qualifies them for female attention.

Honestly if you are in bfe it might be beneficial to forget about women and focus on finding meaning or purpose first. The woman thing is just not going to happen until you get something going.

Hey OP, I'm someone who has the same illness, but a bit younger than you. I can fully empathize with your struggles, but there is one thing I want to ask— do you care about your mental health more than owning a gun?

Either way, I agree with user here , maybe you'll need a creative pursuit. So far, I can do art, singing, knitting, etc. so perhaps you can try it out if you haven't yet.

You can also start searching for your own 'ikigai'. This might help you become more self-motivated.

I'm good at programming. But I have no idea of what to program. I've done some small projects for local businesses, but they all had ideas for things to accomplish. I'm good at accomplishing things with software, but bad at deciding what to accomplish.

bfe?

>do you care about your mental health more than owning a gun?
I'm not mentally ill. I'm down because my life sucks. Not because of some chemical imbalance or whatever. My feelings are perfectly rational. I refuse to put some SSRI bandaid on my problems. I won't take drugs that will make me content with how shitty my life is, I want to actually improve my life.

Well the heart thing isn't helping the heart thing to worry about it. Let your heart worry about itself and have your brain mind it's own business.

Radical acceptance is the fucking answer, pal. You’ve had a shit hand dealt genetically speaking and yeah your life is probably not gonna pan out to your ideals. Practice some Buddhist shit or work a 12 step program around your life and learn that your problems are of your own making and thus can be unmade with the proper adjustment to your perception.

Hey user,
I’m sorry life has been shitty to you, it really has. The thing is, you can overcome it, or remain where you are. You don’t have to be alone though. I’m 27 too, I’ve had a rather weird set of cards dealt to me, but I must say therapy has been one of the best choices I (didn’t actually) make. You can find a good therapist who won’t make you get rid of your guns, they aren’t supposed to politically judge you, if anything they’ll probably be concerned because of the high rate of male suicide. Could you possibly try physical therapy? Would that help your condition? I don’t want to be ignorant. If you wanna chat more I’ll drop my Discord but I really recommend therapy, user.

Build a fucking mech suit.

Its hard to not think every little pain is the beginning of a heart attack. I mean, in 2013 I'd been feeling tired all summer, and it was slowly getting worse. I thought it was because I was really busy. One night in November, I'm eating a little snack before bed, when my chest started feeling really tight, like a giant weight was pressing on it. My heart started pounding like crazy, and I felt like I was gonna pass out. In the ambulance, my heart rate hit 150; normal is ~80. I spent a week in the hospital trying to get my heart to stop pounding. After what I went through with it, it's basically impossible to not worry about my heart.

I did physical therapy all through school, and I never noticed it help me in any way. Well, it did get me out of dumb classes, but it didn't help my disease in any way that I could notice.

The high rate of suicide is exactly why I'm worried about seeking professional help. New York recently passed red flag laws. If anyone thinks you're a danger to yourself or others, they can report you to the police who will come take your guns. There's no appeals process, no investigation, you are just assumed to be dangerous. In not-communist states, you have to be ruled incompetent in a court of law before anything happens to your guns. You have a chance to argue in your defense.

I would be interested in hearing about your experiences with therapy.

Yeah, I kinda know how that feels-ish. My heart does dumb shit and the physical feeling is that of anxiety and sometimes i get to wondering if its an attack. It is heard to not feel genuine anxiety when you feel it in your body that's why I'm suggesting a separation of heart and mind. Im ignoring a rapid beat and tight chest right now. I know I'm just chilling and watching Toy Story. I'd have a few bucks if I had a nickel for every time I worried about it. It can kill you one day. Waddaya gonna do?

Well the fact that it can kill me is why I worry. I don't want to die. So I pay close attention to everything that could possibly be heart related, because I want to survive it. I don't want to ignore it and have something I could have fixed kill me. That's what happened to my dad, and pretty much what happened to my grandfather. Dad had been having difficulty swallowing off and on for about a year before his diagnosis. Turned out it was throat cancer. He lived about a year and a half. Grandpa ignored a weird looking mole on his back for about a year. Turned out it was skin cancer. Went to his brain, killed him in 4 months after diagnosis.

Hey user! Sorry! I’m back again. I’ll give the DL on my experiences with therapy.

Honestly? I’ve been seeing my therapist since jr high regularly. My mom shoved me in there because I was acting out, (with good reason, mind you) and often I was extremely reluctant to even talk about anything, some sessions I just sat there for fifteen minutes silently. Still, I kept going, eventually I started asking for help with my rabid anxiety and we worked on that. Slowly, I opened up bigger and bigger pieces of myself to her and she became my biggest advocate: for me when my parents were being shitty, and for me when I was being shitty to myself. It’s been over ten years and I still see her.

I should put the addendum: what do you want to know about therapy?

Has your life actually, objectively improved? I get that you feel better, but is your situation actually better or are you just more content with it?

That’s a good question OP. I would say objectively better. If I hadn’t gone to therapy I would be making the horrible, anxiety riddled decisions I was back in junior high, possibly with just some more armor. I’ve learned coping skills, gotten great jobs, know what I want to do with my life. It’s by no means perfect, but it’s definitely better than what I had. Any other questions?

Are there any particular sessions that really stand out in your memory? I'd just like a deeper look at what goes on in a session, how the conversations go, what you talk about. Currently my only experience with shrinks is from watching old Fraser re-runs.

Of course you gotta take care of yourself by doing all that is required. Above and beyond that is non-value effort. The paradox is that worries about your heart are detrimental to your heart. Im bumping you anyhow. Wish I could do more.

Hmmm... one that stood out was how I was saying like “I can’t feel bad, there are people in worse pain than me.” It was this horrible feedback loop that kept running in my head. My therapist slowly and logically walked me through why it was okay to feel pain, ex: others pain doesn’t invalidate mine, I’m backing myself in a corner so I don’t have to feel, etc. After that I just broke down and cried from all the weight being off me, just cried for the rest of the session.