>Gf and I are 5 years strong >~1 year ago become great friends with a female co-worker who has become an academic and career mentor. >gf is immediately jealous of looks and how “smart” she is. >I spend our entire relationship trying to make gf feel loved and secure. >Gf would never make me choose but is bothered by our friendship. >Gf tries to express that friend acts a bit like she admires me. >I always shut it down with “You’re crazy” because even considering her argument means tainting the image of my friend. >Gf is tired of being called crazy and would like for me to listen.
So now I feel stuck in an impossible situation where I can’t whole heartedly listen to gfs observations about my friend. I refuse to drop my friend. My gf can’t help her insecurities, but I don’t want her to internalize her feelings and hate me.
For reference the ways the friend acts that are called into question are sending more frequent hearts to me than the group chat of our friends. Also generally how she looks at me.
Leave the insecure bitch and go for the mentally stable one
Adrian Richardson
Obviously these kind of answers aren’t really appreciated. Constructive ones that help fix the problem rather than drop it.
Cooper Rivera
drop your shitty insecure gf, and go for the chick you actually like.
Jeremiah Taylor
One final bump for any actual advice. Not the same shitposter.
Dylan Rivera
>gets an answer >"look are you gonna tell me what I want to hear or not"
Joseph Thomas
Not shitposter. You obviously have to choose or have a miserable relationship with the current one. Commit or leave. You can't be just friends with the coworker.
Gavin Thomas
These answers lack any empathy and reek of people who can’t hold a relationship longer than a few months.
Michael Lee
>>I always shut it down with “You’re crazy” That’s a bad way to handle it. At least pretend to listen to her concerns for a bit instead of shutting her down like that >because even considering her argument means tainting the image of my friend. Oh so your image of your friend is more important to you than your gf? Come on dude get your priorities in order. Sounds like your gf really does have cause for concern. How do you really feel about your “friend”? How often do you hang out with her?
Jaxson Ortiz
Explain in detail that your friend doesn't take interest in you. And listen to her you fuckhead, I hate it when my boyfriend doesn't listen to me or dodges what I say.
Brandon Powell
I realized the crazy approach was terrible.
As for my priorities, it’s more like my priority is to have a relationship where I don’t have to be afraid to have friends. I am open to listen about why you think she has cause for concern. I legitimately have no intimate feelings. I can however have intelectual conversations with her that I can’t with my gf. This friend has moved across the country, so I don’t see her anymore. And I text her on average a few times a month.
If you two are so strong then communicate about it. My girlfriend works retail and my close friend (also female) is a forensic psychologist. She's okay with it. She wishes she were less nervous and awkward around new people so as to get to know more about her. Quick reference, my girl is about 5'6" and is chubby, friend is about 5'0 and is a fit petite. If you need any more assurances that jealousy most certainly COULD be a a natural reaction by all means, ask and ye may receive.
The point is, jealousy is a reaction, but there's a part of it that is conscious choice, too: expressing it so openly. It's time to talk to the girlfriend about being adult about things... Most primarily your choice to be with her, and not this other chick. It's not about 'quality' and shit with my girlfriend; it's about so much more, and about what we've worked hard to build, together.
Easton Jones
Listening is something I’ve had a hard time doing as I thought this was just another weapon to hurt herself with so I didn’t want to justify it. But I agree I should have listened and will now. But what if she doesn’t believe that my friend doesn’t have interest?
Chase Gray
>I am open to listen about why you think she has cause for concern Because you refuse to validate your gf’s feelings on the matter in favor of preserving your “image” of your friendship with the other girl. It doesn’t matter whether you think your gf is wrong or not, the point is that you’re essentially telling her “fuck your feelings, my friend is more important in my mind.” >This friend has moved across the country, so I don’t see her anymore So has your gf at least calmed down since she moved? Are things better or worse?
Benjamin Allen
The friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. And we had decided prior we were going to take a trip and see her. My gf felt safe with the friend having a bf. Now she has started those feelings again since the security blanket of the bf is gone.
I agree with your reasoning for her concern. I will listen and acknowledge those things from now on, however, what if those feelings never stop? I would feel torn to satisfy my gf by attempting to stop those tendencies in my friend, but I don’t know where that would stop because at least subconsciously I’m sure my gf would rather the friend not be around.
Jayden Sanders
Without expressing it so openly, doesn’t that build up as hatred?
Jayden Edwards
All you can do at this point is listen to and acknowledge your gf’s concerns, and reassure her that you only have eyes for her. She may never stop being jealous but as long as you are respectful of your gf’s feelings and don’t become inappropriately close with your friend, I don’t think she would ever try to force you to drop the friend. Luckily your friend doesn’t live near you anymore so all you can do is occasionally text. I think it goes without saying that you should never visit your friend alone.
Michael Richardson
This all sounds good,
I just find it difficult to both genuinely listen to my gf and not have any repercussions. For example, if my gf says she doesn’t like that my friend texts me hearts at the end of texts occasionally, I become anxious every time I get a text from her. I’m always afraid of that behavior occurring and after enough things are listed I become anxious to interact with her at all.
How can I genuinely listen to my gf, but not do anything about it? Do you know what I mean, it’s a bit hard to explain. Because I do have the power to shut it down I feel pressure to and guilt for not doing so.
Connor Reyes
It's understandable why your gf is worried about your relationship with this other woman
Cooper Gomez
Too fucking bad, you came here for advice over your autistic problem and now you're upset that random folks dont give a shit as much as you. Your plight isnt deep idiot. Either be with your girl or be friends with your co worker. If your gf is losing her mind over an innocent friendship then what does that tell you moron? So what if she meets a guy and becomes friends and you feel some kinda way, is she gonna give the small energy shes giving now since she feels threatened? Fuck no and neither should you.
Adam Barnes
Probably because you say a bunch of pointless shit instead of pinpointing the issue and squashing it.
Christian Lopez
>How can I genuinely listen to my gf, but not do anything about it? Sometimes listening is all it takes. You’ve just been shutting her down without listening to her concerns, perhaps once she realizes she’s actually being heard, she will trust you more. But you also bring up something important. Why does your friend text you with a bunch of hearts? Doesn’t that seem kind of improper? Are you sure there’s not something you could do about that?
Robert Russell
Fuck this shit. Fuck this weakass modern age "if it stops working drop it and buy a new one" mentality.
Use this as a moment for the both of you to grow together, and use it as a moment to start a precedent for this kind of thing in the future--because it WILL happen again, and the last thing you want is for it to happen when you have children and for it to end in divorce.
Leo Bailey
I’ll try this out. Thank you for the advice. And maybe i can do something more to stop those things.
Thank you as well, I agree.
Connor Sanchez
Do you hang out with this coworker outside of work? If so then thats fishy. If you really value your relationship with your girlfriend though and she’s not comfortable with you being around one specific girl then just don’t do it. I understand that people can’t control who you spend your time with but you should be so happy that you found a girl who actually likes you enough to worry about who you’re talking to. There are guys on this board getting cheated on. Meanwhile you’re over here complaining cuz she just wants you to stop talking to one irrelevant coworker? Lmfaoo. Or maybe that coworker is just not that irrelevant to you
Nathan Wilson
The base of it is I would not be a happy person in a happy relationship if my significant other could delete parts of my life that I think are important to me. And you’re using the starving children in Africa argument. I’ve never hung out alone with this friend outside of work.
Lucas Clark
This. i know it's a bother to have to repeat yourself when a girl is insecure but usually that's all they need. Sometimes all I need when I feel insecure is for my boyfriend to confirm something one more time. At times he is understandably irritated which kinda makes my doubts. Feelings can be stupid but it's quite an insult when the partner just dismisses them when all they really need to do is show some love.
Anyway, you're not doing anything wrong, Seems you're just in contact with this girl out of necessity? Maybe emphasise that point to your girlfriend.
