>ut i hang up on the thought that sticks in my mind and made me unable to keep up
Thats meditation. You just go back to the breath or your object of focus
"When the mind is calm you will see things you haven't seen before"
>why is the "self that wants, craves" objectively wrong?
Well, if you want suffering, then it wouldn't be wrong? I assume you want happiness.
>why is being in pain/hurt objectively a bad thing?
It's not a bad thing objectively. It's just pain, nothing more or less. We just tack on all of our emotions and fears on it that makes it seem more than it is.
Again aversion drives people to drown themselves in drugs, to avoid the problem, to solve the problem in some misguided way.
>i feel like there are lessons that could only be learned from suffering, lessons that can't be learned while being in ZEN
Yes indeed. Some lessons aren't worth learning. Getting addicted to cocaine for 10 years isn't worth the suffering just to learn the lesson of self-restraint.
The monks have done the hard work for you, you just have see if their teachings are true, and implement, test and see if it works for you.
>i can't see myself stopping me from acting out on a thought i really feel like i should, just because it SEEMS to might have been triggreed by the 3 'poisons'.
I mean, you have to evaluate both intention, the cost and the outcome of the action.
Will this thought/action lead to long term welfare and happiness?
Will this thought/action harm anyone including myself?
What caused this thought?
What do i Want from this thought?
>impossible to determine what your real motivation is behind something to do
Whilee that's true for most people, it's certainly not impossible.
It's hard yes, but a lot of meditation and self reflection is required.
>there are always a million plus one possible explanations for every human action.
And all of them stems, at least the ones that are unwholesome, from the 3 poisons. You can test it out yourself.