Forcing yourself to get over someone

yeah we were dating last year

she was the first girl i dated.

Hey! This article has helped to get over somebody when I was in so much pain: corespirit.com/colors-that-heal-broken-heart

Hope it helps you too!

it will be like withdrawing from drugs. it depemds on your frequency of contact and intensity (dosage). also your emotional state and your view/perception may amplify or dampen this effect, i'd wager a lot more than chemical influences.

>how does "getting over" someone work?

By realizing there's nothing to get over.
By realzing you come into this world alone, and you leave alone, because nothing is owed to you.

Another way of looking at it is, your happiness should not depend on one person. Even if you got her back somehow, whyt would you? You want to be independent, not needy.

the thing is, i didn't enjoy it when we were dating. i could tell she's fake and she was lying all the time. i broke it off 3 times. then always wanted back after a little time without her. then she stopped talking to me.

so idk if it's like drugs, because i was never really high. it's not really the dating i'm missing, more the potential i feel we could be.

and i wouldn't say my happiness is dependent on her, i may be a genuinely unhappy person and will probably be unhappy with her as well. i don't mind much. i just want to be with her, keep imagining having a family with her and... stuff.

>i just want to be with her, keep imagining having a family with her and... stuff.

Ask yourself why.

Break down the fantasy. In fact, don't even entertain fantasies. If it requires a fantasy for you to want her then it's no bueno.

>i broke it off 3 times. then always wanted back after a little time without her. then she stopped talking to me.

Asidee from the fact that you are being indecisive by doing this, you need to stop being so easily carried away by your desires. if you look deep enough, you do things mainly to avoid pain and to gain pleasure. Stop this.

>i want to end it cuz it hurts
>want it to go away
>end relationship

>start missing her and it hurts
>want the pain to go away
>and also want fulfill a fantasy that would "surely" make me happy
>get back again

You need to really just sit on your thoughts and desires and stop acting on them.

>you do things mainly to avoid pain and to gain pleasure

b-but what other guides do ppl normally live by?

without agreeing that i live by this, i really always just do what feels right, don't look for underlying reasons if i can't find them easily, but it may be true.

According to buddhism theres 3 poisons
1. Greed
2. Aversion
3. Delusion

Any action derived from these three are bound to hurt you. Now evaluate, at a high level, do any of these apply to your situation?

From what I see you're suffering from a bit of 2 and 3.

>b-but what other guides do ppl normally live by?

Look for a blameless pleasure, something that would take from others or without harming yourself. This could be a simple as breathing or helping others.

>i really always just do what feels right, don't look for underlying reasons if i can't find them easily, but it may be true.

What feels right isn't always what's right.

It may feel right to eat junk food, but we know that's not the case.

>delusion

but if i force the thoughts that genuinely come to my mind about her to disappear and force myself to focus on something else... i just feel like it will lead to more delusion. after a while i really should genuinely catch on to and realize how delusional i really am. according to almost everyone, except MAYBE 1 person, who knows about our relationship i am very delusional about her. but i still don't genuinely feel it and i think ignorance isn't the way to destroy delusion.

>It may feel right to eat junk food, but we know that's not the case.
that's the thing, we don't _know_. we don't know what exact effect eating a cheeseburger has on our brain. we don't know how exactly the brain works. look at gabe newell. maybe his particular body/brain composition makes him perform best at a very unhealthy body mass index. we don't know if he'd be that successful if he forced himself to look like an athlete.

>but if i force the thoughts that genuinely come to my mind about her to disappear and force myself to focus on something else... i just feel like it will lead to more delusion.

Didn't say nothing about supressing your thoughts. That's unhealthy.

And you're right, ignorance isn't the solution either. In fact, delusion comes from the fact that you are ignorant about something.

Instead what I advocate is mindfulness, or catch-and-release. This trains your reactivity, and allows you to step back and see whats really happening.

Catch-and-release is quite simple. You catch yourself thinking about something. You "touch" it, as in you acknowledge it's there (you shouldn't fear it that is aversion) or even want more from it (greed).

You shouldn't even believe that thought or act on it right away, you have to evaluate if its coming from a healthy indepedent free self, or a self that wants, that craves, that stems from the 3 poisons.

Then you release! You go back to what you were doing. If it persists, you just repeat the entire process. If you do this for any thought/desire that comes up, you will have the opportunity to act wiseely on them.

>that's the thing, we don't _know_. we don't know what exact effect eating a cheeseburger has on our brain.

Pretty sure we do user. Dopamine goes up, hunger supressant hormones are released. Associations are made, burger tasty = good.

>maybe his particular body/brain composition makes him perform best at a very unhealthy body mass index

What is this suppose to prove? There are people capable of being healthy and intelligent. Your brilliance isn't dependent on hardships or your suffering. They may be inspired by it, or it can be used to fuel your ambition.

>we don't know if he'd be that successful if he forced himself to look like an athlete.

While that is true, he could have been a better person and developped perfect games. We don't know the outcome, but no one will argue that good things generally lead to good results.

>You shouldn't even believe that thought or act on it right away, you have to evaluate if its coming from a healthy indepedent free self, or a self that wants, that craves, that stems from the 3 poisons.

so i respect buddha a lot. i also try to meditate sometimes, though i can't, but i hang up on the thought that sticks in my mind and made me unable to keep up, and i like it as a method to bait out something i definitely should think about

BUT
why is the "self that wants, craves" objectively wrong? why is being in pain/hurt objectively a bad thing? i feel like there are lessons that could only be learned from suffering, lessons that can't be learned while being in ZEN
i can't see myself stopping me from acting out on a thought i really feel like i should, just because it SEEMS to might have been triggreed by the 3 'poisons'. not least because it's impossible to determine what your real motivation is behind something to do. there are always a million plus one possible explanations for every human action.

>ut i hang up on the thought that sticks in my mind and made me unable to keep up
Thats meditation. You just go back to the breath or your object of focus

"When the mind is calm you will see things you haven't seen before"

>why is the "self that wants, craves" objectively wrong?

Well, if you want suffering, then it wouldn't be wrong? I assume you want happiness.

>why is being in pain/hurt objectively a bad thing?

It's not a bad thing objectively. It's just pain, nothing more or less. We just tack on all of our emotions and fears on it that makes it seem more than it is.

Again aversion drives people to drown themselves in drugs, to avoid the problem, to solve the problem in some misguided way.

>i feel like there are lessons that could only be learned from suffering, lessons that can't be learned while being in ZEN

Yes indeed. Some lessons aren't worth learning. Getting addicted to cocaine for 10 years isn't worth the suffering just to learn the lesson of self-restraint.

The monks have done the hard work for you, you just have see if their teachings are true, and implement, test and see if it works for you.

>i can't see myself stopping me from acting out on a thought i really feel like i should, just because it SEEMS to might have been triggreed by the 3 'poisons'.

I mean, you have to evaluate both intention, the cost and the outcome of the action.

Will this thought/action lead to long term welfare and happiness?
Will this thought/action harm anyone including myself?
What caused this thought?
What do i Want from this thought?

>impossible to determine what your real motivation is behind something to do

Whilee that's true for most people, it's certainly not impossible.

It's hard yes, but a lot of meditation and self reflection is required.

>there are always a million plus one possible explanations for every human action.

And all of them stems, at least the ones that are unwholesome, from the 3 poisons. You can test it out yourself.

>Pretty sure we do user. Dopamine goes up, hunger supressant hormones are released

we know that much, but don't know if it doesn't enhance something lasting in some completely different region of the of certain ppl for example

>There are people capable of being healthy and intelligent
yeah, it just doesn't mean that everyone's optimal mental performance is with a BMI of 22-25, even if it's true for the majority of people. in fact if you just look at how complex the body is, some people might actually need a higher % of fat circling in their veins for their brain to work optimally.

>good things generally lead to good results.

this is true. but individuals can deviate highly

>but don't know if it doesn't enhance something lasting in some completely different region of the of certain ppl for example

You'll have to test that theory to see if thats the case

>yeah, it just doesn't mean that everyone's optimal mental performance is with a BMI of 22-25, even if it's true for the majority of people. in fact if you just look at how complex the body is, some people might actually need a higher % of fat circling in their veins for their brain to work optimally.

I mean, yea BMI isn't even that accurate to determine a persons fitness. You can have a low BMI and be weak as fuck.

i obviously can't test it (don't have the technology, at least yet), and i also don't want to be fat. just used it as an example that something that's a wrong step in the vast majority if situations, e.g. eating a fatty burger, might not be always bad. it might have results we can't comprehend.

>it's certainly not impossible.
i believe it is. there are just SO many different factors behind most real-life events that there is no way a human brain can conciously comprehend all of them. if you stuck to one thing you did a long time ago and kept analyzing it for an hour, every day, for 5 years, do you really think you wouldn't recognize motives that were previously hidden from you, for why you may have done that?

All we are responsible for in this life are our actions.

>if you stuck to one thing you did a long time ago and kept analyzing it for an hour, every day, for 5 years, do you really think you wouldn't recognize motives that were previously hidden from you, for why you may have done that?

I mean, every actions has a cause. The point is in finding if the cause for that action is rooted in good or evil, if its wholesome or not.

Yees our actions have outcomes that we cannot percieve down the line. This is why I'm very careful with my actions so it doesn't come back to haunt me.

>every actions has a cause
i think every human action has many many different causes.

>This is why I'm very careful with my actions so it doesn't come back to haunt me.
aversion? ;-)

>i think every human action has many many different causes.

And its not an excuse. You own the action after all.

>This is why I'm very careful with my actions so it doesn't come back to haunt me.
>aversion? ;-)

I see what you're getting at. It's not really aversion, more like being mindful of my actions. intentionally wanting wholesome and good actions, instead of its opposites.

Not OP, but I often have dreams about my ex that I haven't seen in over a year, where we are happy again, and then I wake up and realize it was a dream and that makes me sad as fuck

I haven't fucked anyone since, so should I do that to move on?
>inb4 see a therapist

i also couldn't kiss a girl since her. i pursuit women probably beacuse she was giving me shit over "having 0 experience with women and that's obvious", but the moment it proceeds to anything physical it starts feeling wrong and i stop. which kind of feels like a dick move, but i don't initiate with women with this in mind, it just happened this way every time i progressed with a woman far enough to get physical since her.

oh and i'm pretty sure she's fucking other guys in the meanwhile, which makes it all the more weird. not 100%, but reasonably damn sure lol

for sure she's banging other guys, especially if shes in the prime of her life, 22-24