There's a girl I've been seeing for a little while (~1 month) but we've known each other for many years. She opened up about wanting an official relationship and on the topic of exclusivity mentioned that she had a regrettable one night stand a couple months before we were together. It made me uncomfortable/repulsed because the guy was essentially a stranger and this opened up a whole conversation about her past and I found that shes had between 10-20 partners, many as one night stands and guys she didn't know well. I've only been with her and the thought of that many partners sickens me but otherwise we get along really well (and have for years) and I like her a lot.
I'm not sure what to do; on one hand I want to have a relationship because she's the only girl I've ever really connected with on an emotional level and she emphasized that she felt the same but she also respects that her body count might be a dealbreaker for me. On the other hand I feel like I can't look at her the same and I'm not sure if it's something I can get over- I feel like she is upfront/honest/trustworthy but this behavior signals impulsiveness and in general is bad for relationship material. In the past I've turned down girls for much less but she is the most down to earth one I've met yet.
What should I do? Part of me thinks that as long as we're happy together and she's loyal then it doesn't matter, the other part thinks that I can only see her as a tramp and will feel like a cuck for being with her.
What is it exactly that bothers you about the bodycount? If someone has a bunch of one night stands to get their rocks off between relationships, what's the issue for you?
Bait thread. No way this is real.
She's exploiting your emotions. She WILL toss you aside and you'll just be another notch in her slut book. Maybe she'll stay with you longer than the other guys, maybe say more intimate things, but at the end of it, she won't bat an eye at dropping you like a hot load of shit when a better guy comes. Her behavior indicates that she has high standards and is not easily satisfied. Do you have a job? Stability of some kind? Are you fit? High social status? There is always some ulterior motive with girls like these. I'd say just bang her for a while but do not DO NOT get attached
I think just the general promiscuity makes me lose respect for someone. Fucking strangers is gross to me and diminishes the intimacy
it's real but I wish it was just a bait
The probability of her having a one night stand behind his back. Whores gonna whore.
Humans are creatures of habit. What value does a womans sexuality have if she'll just give it away so easily? Men and women are held to different standards. If you believe that is worse for a man to hit a woman than the reverse then you should also agree that sluts are not worth the risk or investment of a serious committed relationship. It's so easy for women to get sex and in general men are so desperate for it that men are willing to pay and or invest financially just for a chance at sex. Feminism as a social movement is completely centered around giving females preferential treatment over men because of their particular weaknessess relative to men and sacrifices the needs and wants of men for the needs and wants of women.
Women are sluts, men are studs, and that's fair
This is how I feel but I'm not sure how close it is to the truth it is since I know her pretty well (~7 years) and she really isn't the type you describe (maybe that's where I'm wrong and getting tricked). Before we were romantically involved we were friends that would always get together when we were in town
All women believe they are good human beings and will rationalize everything they do on an emotional level. All women pretend to be more innocent and naive than they are, and are completely comfortable with lying like this, whether by omission or blatantly, because it benefits them. Even if they lead you on and it ends badly they'll always victim blame you. You can't trust human beings that are like this.
The best way to not get attached is to have other women you see and fuck or try to fuck. But at the same time try to make sure she commits to you.
That's reasonable but you have to remember have evolved to be expert manipulators and resource extractors. I'm not saying you are particularly rich or trying to make any assumptions, but I am trying to say that if she wants anything at all from you (attention, pleasure, money, seed, etc), she will go to any end to get it. Among other strategies, this guy is correct Take his advice also
*women* have evolved
In a negative way for men
What do you mean? That it is bad for men? Or the reverse for men? Or something else
Thanks but to be honest I'm not really interested in other women and even if it prevents attachment I wouldn't be comfortable doing it anyway I think. On that note she claims that she doesn't want to see other guys either and seems more than willing to commit to me. I don't really have a reason not to believe her since she's always been upfront and honest as long as I've known her but of course I feel like I can never fully trust people in general
loyalty is for servants to the royalty. you want trust, however you didn't account for this. you don't feel comfortable about this and it's not going to change unless you do. the only thing that can change you is new experiences. so your options are close the door now or close the door later.
news flash: relationships fail when you leave, no other reason. all the bad stuff will never make you leave. that's why people feel trapped because despite the bad stuff they don't want to leave. everybody has problems there's no escaping this.
all that really matters is do you want her now?
You sir, are a idiot. I'm mean that as sincerely as I can be. I would wake you up to reality but I can see you're not ready. You would probably then become suicidal and I don't need that on my karma. But, seriously, you're a faggot.
I can't live your life for you. You came to an advice board and got some. You refuse to take it or even accept it as a possibility. Whatever happens now is on you. If you get hurt, don't pretend no ever tried to protect you
Why is he an idiot?
Let me phrase it this way: If you liked a girl and thought you'd be good together and have an overall happy relationship, would her number be a dealbreaker?
Is it something you would always resent in the back of your mind?
Yes. Well, I could never think "we'd be good together" because she is fundamentally broken. She might be good for an ongoing affair but never a serious relationship
Maybe I'm naive.
But I feel like the big deal some guys make about girls sleeping around a lot is fundamentally a trust issue. Like they don't trust that they won't leave the relationship to sleep with more guys or something.
If you find you can't trust her, then that truly is the dealbreaker.
I once heard form a guy I respect a lot that girls who sleep around a lot tend to make good relationships with guys who slept around a lot much easier than guys that didn't. It's hard to bridge the gap in sexual experience otherwise i suppose. If a guy or a girl sleeps around a lot, sex is just a fun bonding experience and something you are pretty secure about regardless of how good or bad you are at it. If you don't sleep around much, sex can be almost "sacred" and something worth only sharing with someone special. It's hard for those two kinds of people to mix i guess.
Because women are not supposed to save themselves for you or not do exactly what 99% of what a man does in the same situation. OP has his head in fairly land and fairly land is located up his ass. If you like the bitch and she likes you, that's all that matters. If you start to pick her apart then you deserve the same. I'm sure in some aspects of OP's life she would find just as bad. So, point is stop judging people for their past and see them as they are now, and go from there. I'm feeling lazy this morning and don't feel like going into more detail. So, figure the rest out on your own.
yeah I appreciate the advice it's not like I have or have not taken any of it yet, I'm still feeling the situation out and getting as much perspective as I can before I decide anything
Fair enough. Good luck, my friend. Even if you get shafted in the end, at least you'll get some sex
No. >the present isn't a result of history >do not read history >only appearances matter But you're right in that she didn't have to save herself for op. But op is just as entitled to drop her like a lead weight if he is grossed out by her
I think this is where the trouble for me is, maybe it just indicates a fundamental incompatibility
Perhaps. It's good to identify it in yourself at least.
I give zero fucks if he keeps her or not. But, in reality to argue he is not wrong is stupid, and I'll go ahead and say anyone that agrees with him is just as fuckin stupid. But, not my life, so I give no fucks today about either of you.
I don't have any hangups about not holding out or whatever and I know that people will make their own decisions and won't conform to some ideal mold I have in my head. But when you're evaluating people in general it's naive to ignore their past actions which give you more insight as to who they are. I think I would be more comfortable if the partners were fewer and from other committed relationships
The guys she fucked are gonna be laughing at you for making a ho your gf.
Tell her you’re willing to accept she’s a little slutty but only if she really goes to titty town on your weenie. This kind of thing can be intimidating to inexperienced men, but can mean she is sexually open, which can be a hell of a lot of fun. If you have an enduring friendship and real emotional connection, that’s really rare. Provided she has no kids, I say go for it.
She doesn't respect herself, how can you respect her?
It's that simple. If you give her more respect than she is worth in reality, then it's like pouring too much milk into a glass, and it just overflows on the table. You'll have a mess.
The only level of relationship you can safely have with a girl like that is, unfortunately, a one-night-stand. Basically friend-zone female edition.
10-20 partners at 18 is a lot. 10-20 partners at 28 is not. Age matters.
There is an instinctual element to it. Something deeper that we can't control nor override. Like all basic emotions, fear when you see a gun, happiness when things are great, disgust when you watch someone vomit... it's just normal to feel.
Women don't have it, because the chance of your offspring being yours is 100%, even if you cheat. So this feeling is specific to men, women will never understand it because they never feel it.
But, among other things, it's like an involuntary shutdown of love. For example, if I fell in love with a girl, she was my world, I would work hard and give her everything..... then one day I discover she's a slut... instantly on that day, I have this involuntary shutdown of love and it never comes back. There is nothing I can do to stop it or control it. It's not like a choice I made.
The lines are blurred, because confident guys will lie to girls. Girls often can't tell when we're lying to them. It's quite pathetic really... but anyway we'll say things sometimes like "bodycount doesn't matter, girls with a past make for great relationships". It's just a lie. All it means is that it's nice to talk to you and be your friend, and you're kinda beautiful and nice to have free sex with you on the regular. But there is NO underlying respect, real love, nor any chance in hell of marriage. If you don't believe me for some reason, then just try to marry a guy who says something like that. Really try to marry him (get him to marry you). See if you can.
So yeah. You're also up against the element of instinct.
Also, inexperienced men are curious about the girl’s history. Don’t sit around talking with her about other guys’ dicks. And never ever discuss your sexual history. Period. If she asks, tell her you’ll send her a copy of The Many Women of OP when it’s published, but you’re still working up material for your memoir. Counter with interesting places you consider for travel.
Uninhibited hypergamy in addition to women being granted equal priveleges without equal sacrifice and positive preferential treatment has created a monster and because of this we should be teaching the majority of males that love isn't a real thing and is unrealistic and will only end on fruitless and self destructive sacrifice for men. The most you can trust a woman is 70 % and most men will not meet a woman they can trust that much in their life time.
Hey if you want to be self destructive that's your choice. Doing drugs would be funner though
How is this far fetched? No self respecting man wants to get with a slut who’s literally fucked strangers
And this is precisely why women should be denied the security and comfort of commitment. Women who were sluts deserve to be alone, empty and lonely when they're old, they deserve to reap the consequences so that they can train the younger generations of women to not be whores. Make examples of them.
Women ITT: would you date a man knowing he was a virgin?
Hell yeah women would. Especially if he has some financial success, it would be extremely easy for her to exploit him and she would totally rationalize it and if it went wrong she would victim blame him. Women never think they're wrong. I should say they never FEEL they're wrong and even if they know logically they are, they don't care, they'll only care about convincing other people that they weren't wrong. Women don't get held accountable in society and they know it. Being a woman is easy mode in life and they have absolutely nothing to complain about.
Up to you, bro. Body count is a preference and there's no right or wrong with this. If you feel that she can't be trusted, then break it off. But sleeping around when single doesn't mean she won't be loyal when in a relation.
I see, and you are correct. But even trusting a woman 70% you are setting yourself up for disappointment. They should be viewed and treated as children. Most can tell the truth but don't out of choice. Anything above 50% is folly
No because all of you are batshitcrazy
This. I ghosted at least three guys after I found out they had no experience. Like, get a prostitute or something. Idk. Stop wasting my time
Most have an unrealistic view of the world and how things work. They quickly become possessive, jealous, clingy and want to punish me for not being everything in their PERFECT fantasy. At first they are all sweet and respectful and then become little monsters if I open my legs for them.
It is so not worth the trouble.
Yeah. I made the mistake of sleeping with/having a week long "relationship" with one. Biggest mistake of my life. Luckily there are more sexually mature men than not around.
She's not marriage material. Do what everyone else did with her, pump and dump.
Some chicks just really like sex. Stop worrying, unless she acts like an asshole who plays with the boundaries she has with her male friends.
mmm nice good sluts ;) ever sucked bbc?
>10-20 partners at 28 is not. That is a lot.
Body count is arbitrary nonsense. If you demand sex before marriage, you're just as bad as she is.
Nah, but I want to. Came close once but he called off
No its not. Its 1-2 people a year since 16 or so. I don't know how shitty your sex life is but 2 different sexual partners a year is nothing.
Nah man screw that.
From my experience, girls with high notch counts racked them up for a reason. They're emotionally f*cked up party girls who won't offer you anything other than drama and disloyalty.
If you're looking for a long term girlfriend, you want a woman who is somewhat conservative with her body. A woman who respects herself and doesn't just bang every dude she thinks is cute. Sexually conservative girls are way more likely to stay loyal to you and take on a more feminine role. Which is probably what you would want in a relationship or marriage.
You know how the saying goes OP. Don't try to turn a ho into a housewife.
Don’t make a hoe a housewife as the old saying goes
Studies show women w higher bodycounts are more likely to cheat, divorce, have stds, be unhappy in relationship
Quite frankly it’s common sense tho u don’t need studies to know we value what is hard to get, sex is not scarce or hard to get or valuable to her, she is the type of person who will go from new partner to new partner trying to find a new high.
Of course some ppl will change, and there are exceptions to every rule, but as general rule of thumb ya would fuckin never date a hoe, especially considering most women would cheat under the right circumstances anyways. Have before, first real gf, awful experience, waste of time, glad I learned from it tho.
Ueah shes a whore
I'm not a virgin and don't expect a healthy female to be one either but a slut is a slut and even women know the girls that are.
When choosing a partner I want someone I am proud of and the community respects and goddamn how can you walk around with a slut, past or present, on your arm and be taken seriously. Every time people see you they are thinking, there's that fool user with a slut and shake their heads. Why do the walk of shame every time you go in public?