>raised by single narcisstic mother and her regularly changing bedstories >later molest and trash talk me, left alone for days, barely can remember my mothers face, get severly beaten and ridiculed for failing school (did I mention we moved countries and I was left alone without a clue of the proper language?) >become suicidal, regularly dissociate for hours (maybe something to do with not remembering where or when I lost my virginity before my 13ths birthday somehow) >get put intp psychotherapy at 9, into a childrens home at 14yo, not before she tells everyone that I'm a lying piece of shit and every hope is lost on me, later on my younger brother will be put away as well, so she can start a new life with a new family after moving back to our original country (leaving us two to rott away in foster care)
So, somehow I haven't offed myself and am about to get married to live happily ever after. Feeling the desire to learn at least something about my roots and get some pictures of my family for my childrens sake, getting into contact with her, her only reaction was disgust, rage and hate that I dared to disturb her family and that I belong into an asylum, how she did everything for me and how ungratfull I am etc.
So, how do I handle the fact that the only person from my family which I know will never tell me who my father, grandparents etc where, that I will never have any family to which I belong? The fact that I never learned my "native" language doesn't make it any easier and knowing that she has told everyone "back home" whatever she wanted about me. I really thought after 15 years of no-contact, she might at least share something out of her desire to hurt me.
Do you have the name of the hospital you were born? Can't you just do that 23 and me DNA test?
I know it, but there will be no data as nothing of relevancy has been put there. And let's not forgett that all my relatives are in neutral or good standing with her, never having known me since I was little. Which means that they have already sucked up every of her lies, making any contact without her interaction futile.
I'm really mainly looking for something to cope with, as I just read her messages upon my request. It hurt pretty bad, getting such a clear and ultimate response. At east before I could hope that somethings might have changed during those years.
Maybe it's only certain countries, but in mine it's legally required for the State administration to keep a record about who are your parents, and their parents, etc. There's a document (here it's called "Family book") which you can demand to the administration. Are you sure your country doesn't have anything similar?
If by "who my father, grandparents were" you mean that you won't hear stories about them... That's much harder to solve. You'll be able to handle it since you're about to form your own family.
Nah, as long as the woman says "dunno", there wont be anybody there. And yes, it's much more about belonging than just basic genetics. Stories, pictures, an idea how we became what we are, how times have changed and formed our family. It's hard being made to live a life without a past. All I can tell my kids is negative, without exception. Even the few and far between moments of light, are only making it wore by giving a comparison.
honest to god take her to court. that's child abuse. she's not your "mother", a mother doesn't do that. she's just a filthy fucking cunt. just reading that shit makes me want to hire an assassin on your behalf.
Hire a private investigator.
shit people like her are easy to spot, if i were to guess the rest of your family knows her well.
I've been through all stages of grief with her, hate isn't even on the radar. It's more a deep inner feeling of loneliness, as every contact with her is a et-tu,-Brutus-dejavu - and yet I'm still trying. Sueing wouldn't bring anything, she didn't do anything provably wrong in the eyes of the court, especially as I'm already 30, so good luck trying to prove that she let me get raped as a child or whatever. Narcissists are just so painfull to be related to, as it' unbelievable to what kidn of psychological terror they are unconsciously capable off. In her mind, I'm probably even worse.
Nah, narcissists are notoriously hard to spot without knowing the signs, which few people do. Till she left me in a childrens home, I actually deeply believed that I am actually a "Missgeburt" (monstrosity/ such a freak that nature itself aborted you), as that's how she called me and considering how everyone around us acted, it's easier t believe a grown woman than a "problematic child" in psychocare. Oh the joys of Nmoms.
look, just pretend you're an orphan. rewrite your own history. there's no reason to keep forcing yourself to suffer because you think you "have to" have family connections. you don't. forget her name, forget the cunt exists. >heritage not important, and anyway your ancestors were almost certainly a bunch of farmers. chill out. just make something the fuck up if you need to. you're making this harder on yourself than you need to. t. my parents are shitbags and i don't talk about them, think about them, or have them involved in my life in any way. as far as i'm concerned they're dead. do NOT let that fucking cunt anywhere near your children and don't let them find out she even exists. just tell them she's dead.
you do NOT need a "family." make your own, share your husband's.
Do you know what city you were born in? Just look up the Standesamt for the town and request the birth records. Unless your mom is just using german words for no reason that sounds like a good place to start.
your true heritage is the universe. >we are all one humanity is a big family full of assholes who can't forgive each other enough to admit they will always be family. also the idea of incest making people want to vomit; is another reason we can't always embrace our family.
though I get knowing the direct road map to you would be nice, most people have lied about their whole lives to a few people. conjecture is never really clear.
Man up nigga you're grown already just live your life lmao
>>heritage >not important, and anyway your ancestors were almost certainly a bunch of farmers. As far as I know my family lived in a certain part of europe which has seen so much war and movement that it literally ceased to exist, got a new name etc. So it's much more complex than "simple farming" especially as I know that we have whole books written about our ancestors. Which means that centuries of my families history will be forgotten because of a single horrible woman.
So while I understand your path of trying to help me up, that's simply something I can't go with, no matter how much easier it would be. It came with age, in my tweens, I didn't care about stuff like that either. My hubbies family is great, it's just that my familytree will remain a blank.
I was born somewhere else. We lived across europe.
Literally who cares
>your true heritage is the universe. Ayylmao nigga, nice try, but I'm not gay.
you're making a mountain out of a molehill. at this point i'm done, you want someone to wave a magic wand and make your mother turn 180 and reform. enjoy your disappointment >comes to ask for advice >wont take advice your ancestors were dirt poor fucking farmers, it doesn't matter what country. >forgotten your stupid cunt mother probably already forgot it you daft cow. what "heritage" anyway? it's all the same trash that anyone else has. you sound like a fucking nut who goes through garbage bins to "rescue" knicknacks. protip: your kids wont' give a single god damned fuck about it.
jesus christ maybe your mom was right about you
>you want someone to wave a magic wand and make your mother turn 180 and reform Learn to read brainlet. I'm here to ask for ways to deal with a Nmom, not for delusional shit like that family and heritage is irrelevant, which I have clearly stated.
>what "heritage" anyway? it's all the same trash that anyone else has Speak for yourself. I don't expect someone who has nothing to understand how it is to loose something.
>le edgy nmom has right comment Ah yes, so you took it as a personal insult that others cherish something you don't have. Pretty wordy way to phrase it.
Just kill your mother, you'll make the world a better place and feel some satisfaction before descending into nothingness.
I think has a point in that you've already decided that the only way you can get information about your family is if it comes from her.
That includes finding and talking to other members of your mother's family. In the OP, you claim that you don't know anyone in your family aside from your mother, and then in you make a claim that you know how other family members will behave toward you.
It seems that taking any action to circumvent your mother isn't something you're willing to do, and you're going to make excuses as to why you won't try.
You are determined to hold onto your belief that not knowing your "heritage" is always going to be some sort of great void in your life.
It looks a lot like you're here to whine.
However, I will make this suggestion about how to get a narcissist who doesn't like you to take some action that you want: kiss their ass, let them know that you feel that everything they did to you was okay and completely justified, and let them feel that doing what you're asking them to do (in this case, to have some contact with you) is a magnanimous act that is going to demonstrate to others what a wonderful person they are.
This is not necessarily going to get her to comply, but narcissists generally like having opportunities to display and hear about how they are superior people.
>That includes finding and talking to other members of your mother's family. In the OP, you claim that you don't know anyone in your family aside from your mother, and then in (You) you make a claim that you know how other family members will behave toward you I know that I have family because I remember them from my early childhood, haven't seen them in over 20 years and don'T remember any names. But she slandered me in front of everybody I ever knew, so I'm certain. he's pretty good at it as well. There is nobody else I could ask, simply because I don't know anybody else and those which I could find out would have been already "introduced" to my sins. Believe me, I even tried with a distant one which I found by pure luck.
>You are determined to hold onto your belief that not knowing your "heritage" is always going to be some sort of great void in your life. Jesus, what'S up with all those people on here thinking blood and soil is some silly idea? People literally died and killed for knowing their kin.
>kiss their ass Tried for years, only reaction are even more ridiculous expectations. But again, we hadn't talked in over a decade, she already considered me dead.
Despite this VERY EXTREMELY SUPER IMPORTANT THING, you're unwilling to make an effort.
If something "important" is not worth making an effort for, it's not actually important.
My impression is that what is actually important to you is having a justification to whine. But hey, it's your life. My guess is that you're whining online because you've run out of people in your real life that are willing to listen to it.
What do you mean with effort? I already tried, besides it's not why I posted here. My question was about how to DEAL with the status quo.
So be so kind and stop trying to make it about whining, just because my worldview rustles your feathers. Fun fact, not even my husband knows what's currently going on. It's pretty pathetic to go down the road you're currently on, just to spite some poor sucker online which is asking for help. If you don't have anything of value to contribute, you know what to do.
lol sure you did. You've written things here that simply are not true. You make rationalizations for your behavior and when questioned you squirm around with more rationalizations.
>how to DEAL with the status quo
You deal with reality by accepting it and getting on with your life. You do this because you don't have any other choice.
In this case, your "status quo" isn't reality, it's something that you're choosing to make the status quo. You have the options of either accepting it or trying to change things.
I don't believe you're asking for help, I think you're asking for a sympathetic audience or justification for throwing a pity party for yourself under the guise of asking for help.
What you're getting here isn't simply abuse, it's external information that maybe you should reexamine your beliefs.
Go see a mental health therapist. The ignorance of your heritage isn't the source of what is lacking in you.
Jesus Christ, get a grip on your reddit spacing.
>You've written things here that simply are not true >In this case, your "status quo" isn't reality, it's something that you're choosing to make the status quo. >I don't believe you're asking for help Again, learn to properly read instead of making shit up claiming I'm lying on a taiwanese spelunking forum about my family. Get a life and stop obsessing about a topic you clearly don't understand.
>You deal with reality by accepting it and getting on with your life. Great, now that we have ended all psychological terror on this planet, how about ending world hunger?