>Plan to go out with GF >Get home from work >Left wallet at work, can't go out >Let her know, both of us disappointed >She says something along the lines of "you forgot your wallet and now I'm really sad" >Say something alone the lines of "I mean accidents happen, I hope you're not really upset with me over it" >2 hour long fight breaks out about why I'm not listening to her feelings or caring about her feelings because I'm too busy being defensive >At first point out I felt like I was being guilt tripped, then concede and just tell her I'm sorry I made her feel bad, I'll work on it. >She's still butthurt
Am I in the wrong here? I don't feel like it's fair for someone to be upset with you over such a little accident, especially after apologies and concessions. If she were to do the same I would tell her I was disappointed, but that she shouldn't feel bad and we could do something tomorrow. Make the goal to NOT make her feel guilty for a simple mistake. Do I not deserve the same treatment? Am I being retarded? I don't understand what I did wrong here, or if there's anything I can say to make it better. Am I in the wrong for expecting a forgive, forget, and support mentality from my significant other when little things happen?
Wtf? Is this really what happens in relationships and with women? Sometimes I’m glad I’m an incel lmao
Why didn't she just pay? Or just do something that doesn't take money? Sounds like she just wanted free shit.
You’re wrong for thinking that you can do anything to change a female’s mood. I don’t think I would have apologized after the first time or even listened to her talk after explaining how it was an accident once. The less you react to her bullshit, the sooner she gets over it.
No idea dude. This is my first real girlfriend as an adult. And this is our second (in my opinion stupid) fight.
The first time I told her I was dieting to lose some weight and she was concerned about me not eating enough and I told her I appreciated her concern but I'll be okay, I know what I'm doing, I've been bodybuilding for years, and she went into a whole depressive spiral about me not listening to what she has to say and dismissing her.
We live 30min apart by Train, my train card is in my wallet, I'd have no way of getting to her or getting home, much less paying for anything on the date. I did, after the fight was just starting, offer to see if she could pay for my bus and we could just meet and do something fun without money, but by that point she "just wanted to go home"
Doesn't that just fuel her "you don't listen to my feelings" thing? I just wish she wouldn't get so sad about things and be able to say "no worries, we'll figure it out, I love you" instead of taking everything I say as a slight or a judgement fuck.
>Doesn't that just fuel her "you don't listen to my feelings" thing? It does, but I would recommend listening to some of Patrice O'Neal's Black Phillip Show. The dynamic in your relationship right now is where you are trying to please your gf so that she will stay with you which is a losing battle every time. What you need is to have options so that she needs to work hard as well to keep you around. Under that dynamic she will actually think, "Hmmm maybe my bf will fuck one of his other female friends if I continue to bitch about stupid bullshit to him all the time" and you won't be such a doormat.
This isn't the first time she's brought up you not listening to her feelings then? Maybe she got upset because from her point of view you didn't make it a point to remember your wallet, like "today is date with gf better not forget train card". Accidents happen and I'm not blaming you, but this could be a culmination of things you've done that make her feel neglected. Or she's just nuts I dunno
That's why I fought at first, but granted, I caved, honestly just because I wanted the fight to be over with, and because I genuinely don't want her to feel shitty.
This is only the second time and as I mentioned in she was upset about me that time because i.. didn't want to take her weight loss/ health advice?
Honestly, I'm just trying to get perspective if I'm being blind to some arrogance of my own, or maybe I really am not listening? I don't know. But it seems like I really didn't do anything wrong and you all seem to confirm...
>I genuinely don't want her to feel shitty You sound like you are a good guy but just to let you know, 99% of the time when women feel "shitty" about something you did when it was clearly unintentional like in your scenario, then it is an attempt to manipulate you and is not genuine. Ask yourself if you would be justified in being angry at your gf because she forgot her wallet, then realize your gf is just trying to use you. Not saying she's a bad person either, since most women are like this and it's mostly subconscious. You just need to know how to manage them so they don't take advantage of you because otherwise they will AND they will resent you for being weak on top of that.
I'll try to remember that in the future. Honestly I'm upset because I really just wanted to see her, not get into a fight about semantics and feelings. I think she might be a bit immature and, I think for her the thing that set her off was me saying "You can't really be mad at me about this right, it was an accident". I have a personal belief that holding small mistakes against people, especially when they are clearly unintended and remorseful about it, is just shitty, especially from a partner who is expect understanding and encouragement from, not manipulation. But maybe that world view of mine is wrong. Regardless her big issue was that I "cared more about being defensive, than about her feelings", something I really didn't know how to respond to, hence why I'm here. But maybe she is just.. wrong.
You're looking at it all wrong. This isn't about you forgetting your wallet, not really. She's probably pissed at you for something else you did that's been building resentment for awhile. Sounds like she's been mentally cataloguing your fuckups and this one was just the straw that broke the camel's back. My advice? Ask her what's really wrong. Ask her how she feels. Listen to her feelings and say shit like, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was making you feel that way" and "what can I do to prevent this from happening again?"
The goal is to deescalate the situation. If you argue with her and deny what she's saying about you not respecting her feelings, you only validate that you don't respect her feelings. In essence, you escalate the argument to be bigger, badder, and longer.
People who are mad, including women, want you to escalate. They're looking to fight. When you're calm and respectful in your deescalation, they'll either stop and come back to reason, or act so out of control that they'll cross a boundary. Once a bitch crosses your line in the sand, you end the conversation. You tell her that was cruel and uncalled for, that you need space, and she can talk to you when she's ready to respect you. Then you fucking physically leave. At your home? Drive away. Online? Log off.
You come back when you're ready for more confrontation. Mull over what she said, but don't rewrite events to justify her crossing that line. Usually, normal, rational people will come to their senses and calm down with space, and you can have a meaningful heart to heart. If she's still a raging cunt when you get back, she's probably not worth it.
I ended off apologizing for making her feel that way, saying I would work on being more aware of it in the future, and listening to her better. she said "okay" and I replied with "if you need some space for a bit to feel better that's okay, I'll be here when you feel better"
Eh, not bad for your first gf. My prediction is she'll give you another blowout a month from now bc you obviously don't get what's pissing her off.
Honestly I think I do understand what's pissing her off I just think she's fucking wrong and it's a bit irritating the more I think about it. Both times now she has accused me of not listening to her/ ignoring her feelings, not because I didn't actually listen to her, but because I disagreed with her on some level. The first time, when I told her not to worry about my diet, and challehend her incorrect diet advice, despite being kind and verbally grateful for her concern, she was mad that I was "ignoring what she had to say". This time, when I had already apologized for an honest mistake and was ready to move on, she continued to be vocally sad about it, to the point of guilt tripping, when I responded with "cmon you can't really be mad at me for an accident like this", her response was that I was "ignoring her feelings and cared more about shifting blame than what she felt about things". Both times the extent she took the fight to was way off base and incredibly unfair to accuse me of dismissing her feelings just because I disagree with her sentiment. But I have no way to voice that without her further being upset until have to just cuck out, say im sorry, say I'll change and that I'll do what it takes to make her feel better. And the worst part is, after even that, her response is to ignore me rather than resolve the issue, and then tell me goodnight before heading to bed. Why the fuck do I have to sit here with the guilt on my conscious for her feelings, when she didn't even have the decency to not only take into account my side of things, but not even to come to amends with me before the day was over, like she purposely wants me to fester. Fuck that this is immature bullshit. At first I was genuinely concerned for her now I'm just pissed that I'm not getting the respect that she's demanding of me.
>not because I didn't actually listen to her, but because I disagreed with her on some level Now you're getting it bro. It's all a power game. Women will always try to control the man in a relationship by making him do shit. As you have already seen, cucking out and falling for the emotional manipulation doesn't actually fix the problem because it just continues. You have to be firm and just say no and not listen nor care about her whining. At this stage, the woman will threaten to leave you and this is the final test. A weak and desperate man will go to great lengths to protect the relationship and by doing so he is dooming it to fail. The correct response is to genuinely be unphased at the idea of her leaving you because you have other options but this is not something you can just fake. You need to always work on your game and practice flirting and keep female friends around. This puts you at a higher value than the female because you are in a state of surplus rather than scarcity. Only then, will be in a position to receive respect rather than be treated as a slave. Right now, she views it as a privilege for you to be with her that she is allowing you to have, so she expects to be served in order for it to be worth it to her to give you this privilege. It is a shitty power dynamic to be a part of. You want to be the master, not the slave. The master is the natural role of the man.
She sounds young and irrational. And probably oversensitive or insecure about her relationship with you. You did fine, don't be a dick but don't bitch out too hard. Just keep being the better person and she'll snap back. And if she doesn't, find someone better. Not hard
Yeah I'm picking up on that. My first instinct was to question what I may have done wrong, not out of self doubt, but out of a genuine desire to be a good partner for her and seek out flaws in myself that could be hurting her. Now I realize she really is being over emotional, unfair, and a bit manipulative.
All that said, I still love the girl, and I'd just like to come to amends and let the whole thing go. It's a 2nd fight in 8 months of being together. She still expects me to see her tomorrow and Im not sure if I should try to bring it back up and fix things when I see her, or just let it go and pretend nothing is wrong.
Maybe it's just a misunderstanding, I'm American and she's Korean, I don't know if maybe there are different expectations in relationships culturally. Seems irrelevant though
>It's a 2nd fight in 8 months of being together I also lack relationship experience, but that amount of "fights" seem low for me. My last relationship that lasted 6 months was great, almost no fights. But in the end things snowballed to the end. She was too passive, and in the few fights we had, later on I noticed her passive-agressivity. Guess what? She cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and the rest of the relationship was her trying to compensate what she did (I only found out at the end of the relationship). Anyway, it's not bad to have fights, and you consider how she deals with the fights as flags. It's never ok to show yourself/herself ok when things are not, it may just snowball. And as this is your first relationship, don't focus too much into it, have your own life. I did the mistake of just being too close with my ex, and the breakup took me months to recover, to get back at myself. So yeah, have a relationship in which fights happen and things are disclosed, and you gather the green/yellow/red flags to judge.
When will you faggots learn to stop racemixing and then complain about differences?
id break up with someone stupid enough to leave their wallet at work. like who does something like that, your money and cards need to stay in your pants. you better hope someone hasnt bought a shitton of stuff with all your personal info
Ya know I said the same shit when I lived in America and only dated white women, but I never had any better luck with the self-absorbed noncommital apathetic whores. I've fought twice with a girl I've dated for nearly a year who has been pretty great in every other way. I never even made it past 3 months with a western girl before she ghosted me or cheated.
Why is it such a strange concept that accidents happen