>Went out to dinner with mom hoping to reconnect >starts off ok, nice small talk about weather >forget how much of a psycho she is >waiter comes and she decides my food for me without asking. I didn't want something so oily but w/e it's tasty I guess >annoyed. but decide to not make a scene with the waiter still around >when he goes I fakelaugh and tell her I want something lighter she says yeah user, you should reat lighter you're getting really fat and you need to lose weight. loud enough for the whole restaurant and the resaurant next door to hear >then why did you order the fattiest greasiest thing on the menu for me without asking me then haha? >I thought you liked greasy food, how are you still go fat if you didn't like it? >fakelaugh.wav >we talk about what I've been up to lately >been making some progress on things, not much I guess but still... > 0 positivity, every statement is met disapproval or a story about someone else's child who's doing better >diverts the topic to her, she's happily bad mouthing about coworkers and I think I'm safe >pre-bill silence >bam out of nowhere, user sometimes I wish I never aborted my first child and had that child instead of you >I play for dinner >she makes an embarrassing scene about me leaving too much tip (it's a chinese restaurant so I could have waited for change but at this point I just want to leave) >she pockets all the change >it was lovely seeing you user, let's meet up when you're more respectable >haha ok mom, nice seeing you too hah a
havinvg a breakdown in a public bathroom atm.
how do people get along with their parents? what do I do? can someone come shoot me? I'm so tired
maybe i'll leave the toilet and go home to drink myself asleep
user i'm sorry to tell but you need to let your mom go.. she doesn't seem like the person who would change. Get a gf hang out with friends and REMEMBER don't be atached to things, be free.
there, there. you're going to be okay user. some people are just so narcissistic and mean. they get life energy from putting others down. i can't imagine the pain you're feeling when you get that treatment from someone who is supposed to be a place of refuge. but please try your best not to let her words get to you. you sound like such a sweet person and i can't stress enough how you didn't deserve this. how about some music user? this helps me relax.. i hope it could help you too. youtube.com/watch?v=eSH7QSzkhQg
>how do people get along with their parents? I've learned that this is not actually common. Boomers and early gen X parents are terrible people. >what do I do? Nothing, just cope. >can someone come shoot me? That requires money and finding a hitman somewhere.
every generation is terrible in its own way desu
Id have left her there after calling me fat
bruh asian parents will call you fat everytime they see you from the moment you are born until you die. unless you're skinny in which case they'll stuff you with food until you're bloated then call you fat.
Lmao based mom telling her waste of a child to become something
I wouldn’t eat with her or visit her at all
it hurts more because I know she's right but idk man when this is your whole life the criticisms eventually stop being motivating, and rather than continually seeking to please them at some point you just want to pop a box of ssris and be done with it all.
I thought I was stronger but damn being with her puts me in a bad headspace.
Some old woman has a stronger will than you. Not surprising you’re reacting this way given how obviously weak spirited you are.
My money is that this is a larp, you're some sort of pathological liar, or your mother is genuinely a comically evil person. If it's somehow actually the latter, please cut her out of your life and never look back.
This reminds me of my dad so much it just pisses me off to read it.
I have had no luck in changing the way my father is and I doubt I ever will; if I was not in a situation that has me under his thumb, I would cut him from my life.
You can't control others: instead, control how you react and focus on how you will not continue the mistakes your mother makes.
Cut her out of your life. Not worth the pain.
Either started arguing with her, left the restaurant on the spot, switched to convo to something nice.
She's not evil and she's not doing this to spite me (probably), it's just her messed up way of connecting and caring (I think). like how do you even deal with someone who does this shit with good intentions???
>focus on how you will not continue the mistakes your mother makes. This terrifies me 2bh, I can see myself turning into her sometimes and I catch myself.
we switched to talking about her work and co-workers and her apartment and stuff, she was complaining the whole time but that was fine and nice. what are some good topics to talk about with parents? asian parents in particular?
>let's meet up when you're more respectable lmao absolutely btfo how does it feel, rice boy?
Your mom sounds a little bit like me. She compares me to all those people doing better, their aspects in which they do better, compares me to my brother. Is basically always screaming something at me. I've been depressed for the past year and I didn't tell anyone, scared for their reaction. Now they figured out its not going well and my mom just keeps asking 'when will your treatment be finished :^)' as if that's even something you can make an educated guess about. I'm sorry but I honestly think that if your mother is like this, it's safe to just take distance. I honestly don't understand why people start to act like this. Because apparently they do not hate us, they love us, but this is their way of expressing it. I never quite understood and my future wife will get an argument with me if she starts talking down to our child.
Aww geez, you're back again?? I'm not sure of your circumstances, but seek help. Through my insurance I was able to get into an intensive outpatient program, anxiety and depression group meetings. Really helped. One of the most important things is to focus on your own well being and try to limit all negative people that can bring you down. This includes shitty friends/family and also co-workers, bosses, etc. Of course not all of them are easy to avoid but do your best. Lastly, not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. I am in a similar situation like you, except it's quite the inverse. I have my shit together and my parents are always there to make me shoulder some of their burdens and leech off of my generosity. I've sustained them for all I can, but now that I am in a relationship and have a family, I can't be bailing my parents out when they get thrown in the drunk tank or get in a dui accident. You have to learn to push these people away until YOU get better and can handle the stress of being around them. I will admit, this is easier said than done since I enjoy solitude. But again, focus on your wellbeing.
thanks man, solid advice and sorry about your situation. I'm probably not the user you're thinking of though??
I actually successfully avoided/cut-out my parents for a pretty long time. I guess my mistake was thinking I was strong enough to handle the stress but nah. I think it can work out between me and them eventually, i'll need to give it more time...
>user sometimes I wish I never aborted my first child and had that child instead of you The relationship is straight over. Done. Who the fuck does she think she is? Wants ownership over you, your decisions and your life? That's not a mother. That's a sick-in-the-head pet owner.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, pal. My heart goes out to you and all these times you showed good will to have a brick thrown into your face. Don't for a fucking second think it is out of question to walk away. Plenty people have done that and plenty people had good reasons to.
in hindsight it's clearly just her trying to emotionally connect with me by revealing she also has her doubt and regrets; but it just so happens that the doubt and regret she decided to voice is my birth. she said it when it was quiet and looked kinda sad (which made it worse).
and to be fair, I never used to show this much goodwill. idk I feel like I'm trying to justify her actions now like some emotional abuse victim but w/e
Yh you say it like it's excusing her completely fucked up attitude towards you as a human being. Here's a neat thought experiment: Imagine you said this to your child.
yeah... if it was something I felt was important to share with my child I still wouldn't have expressed it in that way in that situation. she's not a great communicator and combined with the child-ownership attitude I think most 1st gen asian mom's have it comes out like hot emotional diarrhea
You would tell your child that you wish you didn't have it because he's not up to your standard? It's not in how it was said. It's in the message itself. It's atrocious. Don't give me the "well... you know... if you look at it .... round and round..." fuck that, it's one of the most disgusting messages you could get.
Yeah you were defeated. You were these people's hopes and dreams. Except you're you, and not some fantasy. Just bail and hang out with people who love you.
Tell her it's for life, but that you're going to kill yourself if she keeps asking. Since it's taking too long for her. No one can see what's wrong, so sometimes you need to ham it up.
she never elaborated on why and I didn't want to risk hearing something like because I'm mentally ill underachiever so I didn't ask.
meal with dad in a few hours, and then I think I'll take another nice long no-contact parent-break.
Still atrocious and utterly disgusting.
>Except you're you, and not some fantasy. Just bail and hang out with people who love you. This You could also say this to their face next time to put some distance between you and the fucked up shit they said. Keep this in your pocket for the dinner with dad.
1st gen my ass, that's how they raise kids. When they accept you, you stop trying. The plan is to raise someone who can survive the worst and come out the the best. Terrible times are always around the corner, a life a sweetness might make you too soft to survive. It's a utilitarian kind of love.
>The plan is to raise someone who can survive the worst and come out the the best. Nice job raising a bunch of suicidal and anxiety riddled individuals. Repeatedly traumatizing your children makes them weaker, not stronger, retard. If there is no base relationship that is loving and caring, you should probably fear your adult children.
thanks mom, sorry your plan didn't work out.
nah dad's a different kind of controlling and disappointed-in-me
you are blind because she is your mother
was in similar situation but my mom isn't Asian, just a psycho. inb4 don't know if you ever visited reddit's Jow ForumsAsianParentStories, but you should, at least to relate and get a temporary relief. also check out Ross Rosenberg on YouTube. it's hard to give advice to you because in Asia there's a hard dogma that "parents are always right", and it can fuck you up real bad. it is basically a tyrannical system where a parent literally owns a child like a slave, and the child literally has to live for their parents. whatever parents do, they are still right and the child still is in the wrong. it's very hard to actually work with a relationship in this scenario and if you defy parents you might simply suffer social consequences. the problem with this system is that it empowers any sort of abusive person to have their way, narcissists and psychopaths in particular. they believe other people live FOR them, but they live for no one. needless to say, this is exactly what "Asian parenting" is: ensuring maximum profit from your child, while treating your kid like shit all his life. it is very convenient for them because all it really takes for abuser to put their interests at the expense of yours is to just have a double standard. "I can criticize you; YOU can't criticize me. I don't owe anything to you; YOU owe everything to me. I can be painfully average but I'm still special to you; YOU must prove you're special in order to deserve human treatment", etc. this is especially important because of projection. basically, it's like scapegoating. deep inside, abusive parents feel they are assholes, and they can't escape the feeling of doing wrong. so they defend themselves against their own bad qualities by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to you. (1/2)
Several things so wrong with this interaction. Obviously your mother is in the wrong, but so are you for letting her. Don't accept when people steamroll you. Simply say, "wait a minute I think I want the instead" to the waiter and force them to make a scene if they want to force their choice on you. You can play this off as a polite thing where you changed your mind in the middle even though it was her bad choice you didn't want.
The next bit is when she called you fat and used that as an excuse to pick an oily food option. Shoot that down immediately, don't laugh nervously as she belittles you. Give an excuse about how much is going on right now in your life if you must or simply say that she is right, I should do more and make her victory as short as possible. They can't bring it up again as there is nothing more to say of you already agreed with them.
I don't know what other parts of your life she disagree with, but one my parents is immensely disappointed with is my lack of a girlfriend. My father doesn't say much, but I know he thinks I am less of a man because I am single and spend my time doing silly things he can't understand. I try to talk to them about my work but if I talk for more than 2 minutes about it my mother gets a headache and I have to change subject. The worst part is, I am doing so well in all other aspects so I don't know why they keep picking at things that doesn't work for me.
(2/2) criticism is also crucial because it helps them destroy your self-esteem and keep control over you. it's a sort of gaslighting. in a nutshell, they make up a problem about you, saying that for example you're ugly / stupid / awkward / lazy / fat, when in fact there's no problem or it is really just moderate. they do this to manipulate you—first they emotionally destroy you, then they make you feel undesirable and cut you off of other people (who would give you different picture), then make you doubt your own judgement, then replace your thoughts with their narrative, take control of your feelings/perception and make you their bitch. it is much like cults or criminals operate, they isolate, destroy you, and do everything to brainwash you. this and projecting also often go hand in hand. so here's first crucial tip: when criticized, ALWAYS think: "what about you?". they tell you're ungrateful? are THEY grateful for your hard work? of course not. they tell you you're selfish? are THEY not selfish for expecting their child to live for them? take any standard they apply to you and apply it to them, let them live up to them first in order to judge. second major thing is: your attachment to them is just a ghost of your past. abusive parents often have dulled human feelings. they feel little to no empathy for anyone—and yes, that includes their own children. all they live for is for themselves, and at others' expense, they're like parasites. what they need though is host. so here's another tip: all they want is control. they will guilt trip you, power trip you, and manipulate you in million ways ONLY to bring you back, but remember: it's all bluff. they will threaten burning bridges to make you come crawling back. one tactic is to compare the "bad" you to another "perfect" guy who's actually not better than you in any way, it's just to elicit jealosy and hurt your esteem—I'd like to ask, "why don't you go and parent that kid instead?".
(3/3) so their biggest, most primal fear is losing control you. you CAN use it, and CAN burn bridges and cut cords to manipulate them. they will do anything to prevent it. forgot one last thing to add. like I said your attachment to them is mostly an illusion. as kids, we need support and acceptance. this need is present on almost physiological level, and it has been shown that kids without it simply grow up fucked up mentally (and even physically). but even if we grow up having to beg for it, our brain prefers to live an illusion—much like a child with no friends makes an imaginary one, or like animals sometimes believe a wrong animal or person to be their mom. when we are children, we are almost attached to our parents. but when we grow up, we have to become separate, cut an "umbilical cord". and this is what abusive parents have issue with, because they don't want you to have freedom—they need you dependent, easy to manipulate, under their authority control, and they won't hesitate to use any, and even the lowest, most immoral means, to bring you back. but you should also realize that now, you can admit it to yourself: your parents don't love you and aren't connected to you. at all. not because of you, but because they can't love anyone. in a way, you had no parents. this might come as shock, or depressed thought, but the weird thing is, it will make you feel infinitely better, more than anything else. just forget it and detach yourself. you DON'T need parents anymore, it's just a phantom limb now that needs to be left in the past. your childhood is over, you're self-sufficient, you're accepted in society, you will find new friends and hopefully loved ones. hope this helps.
>1st gen my ass, that's how they raise kids. When they accept you, you stop trying. The plan is to raise someone who can survive the worst and come out the the best. nah >Children who grow up with strict authoritarian parents tend to follow rules much of the time. But, their obedience comes at a price. >Children of authoritarian parents are at a higher risk of developing self-esteem problems because their opinions aren't valued. >They may also become hostile or aggressive. Rather than think about how to do things better in the future, they often focus on the anger they feel toward their parents. Since authoritarian parents are often strict, their children may grow to become good liars in an effort to avoid punishment. what a surprise. it's almost like if you're being unfair and cruel will make other person either hate you or depressed. or just raise another cruel and cunning fag who achieved little in life who takes it out on his kids.
either stand up for yourself or minimize contact
>She is not evil >I should have killed you instead of your brother
She is evil, user.
>You can play this off as a polite thing where you changed your mind I really should have done this, but I was still choosing and couldn't react fast enough. I should have just picked another random dish just so it's not something she forced on me out of principle but damn it's so hard in the moment to think of these things ;-;
>They can't bring it up again as there is nothing more to say of you already agreed with them. ah i see. my awkward laugh agreement was passive and your suggestion is more active agreement to take back the narrative control, interesting.
thanks bro, very helpful for next time, I won't give up yet
are you telling me I wrote all this for nothing? fuck this board
yeah. I read it and decided it wasn't even remotely helpful and honestly your projection and untethered hatred for strawmen asian parents when you're not even asian creeps me out, sorry m8
I read it and liked it a lot. For every person posting there are 10 people lurking. They're reading this
this too, even if I didn't need what you wrote I'm sure there are others who do need it. I appreciate the reddit link though, will check it out
I'm sorry if you got it this way but that's not what I meant. my comment was about toxic parents in general and has absolutely no aim at Asian parents in particular. this is irrelevant in this case, there's not much difference about nationality, the human psychology and traits remains the same. and certainly I didn't mean this as "hate", it might be critical but rightfully so because we speak about harmful behavior. I read several books on subject and sadly I have toxic parents myself, I had to deal with it and could relate to your situation. so I hope you reconsider what I said, because none of what I said was even remotely meant as a personal attack.
thanks mate this means a lot
My mother have told me multiple times "that children only give her work", and that she didn't want to have us.
That's fucked up but you get used to it.
>I catch myself
Recognition of the problem is the first step to not recreating the problem, and honestly is what keeps me going when I feel that I am becoming like my father.
Just keep catching yourself when you emulate the negative aspects of your mother; then, think about a way you would prefer to act and strive for that ideal whenever you believe you're doing, or potentially will do, what your mother does.
Dissecting and removing, from yourself, the negative aspects of your mother is a long process that does get easier with time and effort.
I realized at some point that a fair bit of pity is due because my father does not seem to understand that the way he acts has left him alone at a time in his life when he could use the support of family most - his life truly is a hell I never wish to occupy.
shit user, are we the same person gender flipped?
>my father does not seem to understand that the way he acts has left him alone at a time in his life when he could use the support of family most - his life truly is a hell I never wish to occupy. Absolutely, but for my mom. worst thing is my parents separating left them both very lonely because neither of them were particularly social or had many friends so all they had was the unhealthy relationship they had with each other (the deterioration of which I definitely contributed to). shit's rough man.
okay? so fucking leave and never speak to them again. Not sure what your point is supposed to be.