Grieving over his suicide

I dont even know how to properly put this in words cuz im still processing it. Today I found out that my ex committed suicide. I came here to grieve because before I moved away for career, we shared all the same friends & one from the group passed away at the time. Everyone became distant after that as well as my relationship with my ex & we broke up. I ended the relationship over something stupid, deleted him & all the pictures we had together off social medias to prove a stupid point/cut him out & forget about him cuz i was angry. It never helped & I stayed heartbroken & depressed for years. I used to have fantasies about growing old with him/having children ect.. I even wanted his last name. Theres a saying “If you fall in love with someones eyes, youll love them forever” I never told anyone this before. About 6 months after the breakup i started dating/moved in with whom im still married to now. I had reached out to my ex one time in between while i was engaged so i could get closure/maybe rub my new life in his face but it didn’t help. We never talked with eachother other than that, but weren’t necessarily on bad terms even though i was the one with a grudge. My bff (best friend) at the time threw a surprise bday party for me while I visited my hometown by myself, it was a good time but there was still a distance between me & all my old friends, eventually she invited my ex probably because she felt that too. When he showed up i wasnt angry at all, my heart melted & i was actually so happy to see him. We talked & laughed the whole night like nothing had changed. I drank too much & forget almost everything we said to eachother.. I wish I could remember... We continued our lives seperately after that, no contact, nothing.

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Another solo visit to my hometown i was invited to a party, of course my ex was there. I tried not to affiliate with him because i have an amazing new life/career/husband ect. Eventually he approached me & started conversation, i did my best not to look him in the eyes, but i couldnt avoid it, & again my heart melted. It must have shown because my bff grabbed me & said “come on (my name) youre married”...i dont even think i was flirting at all but he messaged me the next day why my bff said that. I told him “ohh, it was nothing”... So many times i wanted to call/message him but didnt because “you should never talk/go back to your ex” maybe I was scared I still had feelings or my husband would think something of it. His eyes are embedded in my head (the shape, color, eyelashes, everything) his voice & laugh. Im very sad about his passing, i wish i had the chance to truly express myself to him. I looked over his facebook today, he hardly has anything on it, the majority is all stuff with me from 5+ years ago & then its like everything after that is cut off aside from a few things other people posted. I found out someone he tried dating just broke up with him, & this morning he was found in his car. I always wished i could reconnect some day, i never felt ready & was scared I might catch feelings... there were so many mental break downs i had & just wanted to call him & talk. I literally had a dream about him the other night.. anyway, thanks to whoevers reading this. A friend of mine is going to send me a picture of his suicide note soon. I appreciate any feedback even if it’s negative, maybe advice if youve been through something similar, thanks

What a fucking whore. He’s better off simply because he doesn’t have to share a world with you. I’d happily spit on your corpse if I knew where you were buried.

You fucked up royally, and now you're gonna carry that weight for life. Good Luck.

I should probably mention i had no idea he was depressed/suicidal or even if he still had feelings for me, no one reached out to me, not even him. I wish I knew any of this beforehand. I will carry this weight with me forever.

Congratulations, you're a horrible person but I wouldn't expect you to understand cause you sound like an attention whoring narcissist who thrives off drama.

So you were childish and immature, couldn't understand the weight of someone else's feelings fully, and once you had found your own life a man you were once close with offed himself out of sheer misery?

Well... it's a pretty classic story. Hindsight can be pretty cruel. People are very foolish and quick to judge , always prone to selfishness unless pointed in the right direction and warned about the pain you can inflict on yourself through that arrogance. If you want advice, I'll tell you this much; you're going to suffer and you deserve it - just don't think it's anymore than we all deserve to suffer for our failings. You can't always see the signs that people try to hide. Maybe seeing you just made him so genuinely happy that you couldn't notice something being off about him. Happens a lot, really.

Oh well, these events are just something that come with age. Everyone reaps what they sew eventually.

>attention whoring narcissist who thrives off drama.
You don't even know her name and she's posting a rant on the advice board of Jow Forums. You just sound bitter desu

first of all, she is not a whore. nobody has rights to another person. if a break up happens the natural thing to do is move on with your life. you guys are fucking incels with no sound advice or life experience. that is why you are only capable of insults as you lack any intellect.
I'm sorry for your loss. Are you sure it would be a good idea to look at the suicide note? Just try to keep in mind that it's not your fault. We cannot always predict what someone will say or do. Men don't like to openly talk about their feelings. I too lost an ex to suicide by cop. It was a very confusing time because I wondered if it was because of something I did as I reached out to him a week before it happened. The person texted me back saying wrong number but I knew it was him. There was no suicide note. His mom reached out to me and we talked. Both very confused. He decided it was his time to go. Maybe he knew the consequences, maybe not but he made a choice that day that he no longer wanted to be here. The best thing to do is to pay respects and remember that they will always be in your heart.

Shut up faggot.

No. This person is in distress and is looking for advice. The last thing someone needs when they are grieving is nonsense coming from shit tier neet losers.

Lol. You are a faggot.

>a woman can’t be responsible for what happens to her
You know what? I agree


If it was a man you'd probably be posting wojaks and shit like
>It's okay bro, you couldn't have known she wanted you that badly
>she was probably crazy anyways
You bitter ass nigger

Proof? You are literally spouting memes because you can’t handle the thought of a woman being responsible for something. No, no. She didn’t cause any of this. She is entirely innocent. She should be happy he died because you say. She should just jump back in the dating game and forget that she ruined the one man who had actual feelings for her. You’re right, I’m wrong. As always

hope you didn't hurt yourselves thinking too hard of that one

She really didn't cause it you retard. The dude decided to get into his car and kill himself on his own accord. Why is that such a difficult concept for you to figure out shit stain?

>She should just jump back in the dating game and forget that she ruined the one man who had actual feelings for her.
She's married already lmao, they broke up years ago, reconnected and talked sometimes, as you do with ex's sometimes if you ever left your mother's basement and had experience with intimacy.

She caused his suicide? No - she just didn't notice he was in distress and hurt him years and years ago. Time enough to move on - which he did because he apparently was dating another woman and when *that* went South he offed himself. Clearly there was more going on behind the scenes that OP partially contributed to but to have the gall to say she is totally responsible for this man's suicide is nuts. You're also basing your judgement on some bullshit MRA thing where "women are never held to the standards of men in dating" as if women aren't their own harshest critics and men, like you, won't notice or care about a woman being malignant. They do

Hope it hurts. Butch.

You get the point

Like I said; you’re right and I’m wrong, as always.



>the natural thing to do is move on with your life
Yes, but she DIDN'T move on. She should have stuck to her plan to cut all ties completely, for his sake, instead of stringing him along.

shit stain

she didn't string him along. are you okay? can you read what she wrote? caring for an ex bf and not voicing it to him is not considered stringing him along lmao

She should have just killed him himself. That way any confusion would be cleared. But you roastie defense force faggots would still say she did nothing wrong


You are a full force idiot. congrats bro

You probably don't want to read the note. It's a mistake.
>You are not responsible for his suicide.
Greentext so I make sure you really understand that. This is not your burden. Grieving at this point is going to be about guilt and a whole lot of anger. It probably hasn't hit you yet, but it will. You need to remember though that you didn't do anything wrong. Healthy people have relationships and sometimes they break up. Sometimes it's on and off. Healthy people don't kill themselves.
Had a friend do it last year. Shot himself in the head and left his friends to find his body. I went through the usual stages of grief, but I could never forgive him for it. Watching a mother give a eulogy for her own son. That kind of thing just doesn't leave you. He hurt a lot of people when he did that.
So, best advice, just monitor your grief. And consider seeking professional help if you feel uneasy. But other than that, you can't really fix it, it's already done.

Coming from you, that’s a compliment

This. She/you did literally nothing wrong. No, breaking up with someone who loved you because you’re a petty bitch is not something you can be held accountable for, incels.

Breaking up is. Suicide is not. This is not something that you've ever had in your life, or you wouldn't have said that, I'm sure.

Read the note. I don't know if you were a factor in his suicide, but as a guy I kind of doubt it. That depends on what you mean by "something stupid". Please expound on that. It's an anonymous forum and you need to fully articulate your feelings so you understand how/if you fucked up.


That is fucked user I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I've been ranting about the mental health system all night but fuck it is true, it is not your fault it is the mental health sytem. They care more about drugging people than helping them that's the sad fact. Even if you made mistakes it really isn't your fault.

“Something stupid” i would get jelous sometimes & after a friend of mine had overheard him tell a coworker at a party he would date her so told she me & i broke up with him, this was after i moved

She told me*
Either way im very sad hes gone. I havent recieved the note yet but a friend told me he mentions that it isnt anyones fault & he doesnt blame anyone, he knows he has great loving friends & family but felt he was just not good enough, somewhere it mentions he felt that way back in middle school as well.. I think his last breakup got to him, i never knew the woman or if she was toxic or not, apparently he was supposed to go to his first therapy session next week..

>he knows he has great loving friends & family but felt he was just not good enough, somewhere it mentions he felt that way back in middle school as well
Middle schoolers don't get depressed for no reason. I doubt he had such loving people in his early life. If he was allowed to acknowledge that by people close to him maybe he wouldn't have killed himself. I'm sorry if it sounds mean but I can definitely relate to suicidal feelings and fuck it has been so hard to just acknowledge I was abused as a child even though I know it happened. I've talked to many depressed people and most if not all of them had trauma. It's very sad how this stuff turns out.

I think i might have just naturally blamed myself for this happening because of the confessions i made earlier. But still my heart would always tell me to talk to him or even just send a message & i never did. logically i thought i shouldnt & didnt even consider it could be a good idea just to check on him, now its too late

He actually never opened up about his childhood or early life before me. I had actually tried many times, hed be very vague, change the subject & seemed like he didnt wanna talk about it

>hed be very vague, change the subject & seemed like he didnt wanna talk about it
That is definitely a sign of trauma. That's really sad this kind of thing really shouldn't happen but it does and I hate it.