Low Self Esteem

I'm legitimately a "catch". Ivy league dual stem major, not getting a masters in data science at a top 5 program with a likely final gpa of 3.9. Own my own consulting company with 2 employees on the side. Been told I'm a 8/10 (though I am a 5'8 manlet).

I can't stop hating myself. 28, never held down a girlfriend. I work out a lot, objectively fit. Had a hateful father that constantly told me I'm a failure and I took that to heart.

I need a way out other than booze. I keep wanting to die; been in a psych ward on suicide warnings twice now. If I have the IQ and passed the Jow Forums check, how can I learn to accept myself and not fall into a path of self defeat?

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but srsly, how the fuck can you take your father's words to heart when it sounds like he was a weak whiny pathetic excuse for a man?

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You're not a catch, you're mentally defective and depressed. You won't be a catch until you've sorted yourself out.

you have self-defeating personality disorder because of your hateful father. in your childhood, you likely got constantly told that you're "never good enough". it made you work hard but destroyed your esteem.
what you need to realize is that the "narrative" that you're inferior is not your own. it is your father's, and it's objectively untrue, especially now. it's not that "you are not good enough". you have always been good enough, your father simply has narcissistic or psychopathic traits. you need to break from this narrative and heal your trauma.
watch this for starters youtu.be/osebdyfUBRs . this channel has many more videos on the subject.

>self-defeating personality disorder
actually, scratch that part, not emough to say for sure. but your esteem needs a repair.

My browser isn't letting me respond so phonefagging

My dad was a very successful Harvard multimillionaire MBA and died suddenly 3 years ago. I'm an only child. Not only can I not get out from under his shadow, it's oppressing me. I get no enjoyment from success (eg good grades) but failures (eg a B on an exam) make me want to self immolate.

Despite looks and arhleticism, romantic endeavors have just been a series of people hurting me. Not a virgin, but never been on a third date.

I'll add, I seem to find many bad friends too.
With help of a therapist I recently realized my last close (female) friend was slowly trying to goad me into suucide, probably for her own narcissistic means. When I found out near the end and pulled back, she tried to spite me by telling the police I told her in confidence inwant to be a mass shooter (I don't even own a gun). They held me for 3 of the shittiest days of my life, but thankfully nothing stuck.

I hope you had her arrested and made her life living hell

>When I found out near the end and pulled back, she tried to spite me by telling the police I told her in confidence inwant to be a mass shooter (I don't even own a gun).
Did you report her to the police?

>My dad was a very successful Harvard multimillionaire MBA and died suddenly 3 years ago.
this doesn't give him right to abuse you. would you abuse your child this way? probably not.
you have been in relationship where you had to give, give and give, and all your father did was demand more—and you still never were "good" enough. this is what conditioned you in life.
this is self-defeating personality disorder—you get devastated by success and you reject people who treat you well. you subconsciously seek people who dominate and abuse you, because that's what you connection to your father was and it feels familiar and close to you.
the truth is, you have always been good enough. and now you are a successful person. not as good as your father? well, so? you're still top 1 percent of males. if that's not good enough, that's bullshit. there are people who are way more successful than their parents, and still they hate themselves because of that.
you were a good son. any parent can tell you so. but was your father a good one? you know the difference between boss and leader, right? boss is someone who bosses others around. a leader is the one that's here with you, helping you get better, helping you get through your difficulties, wanting the best for you.
did your father have a huge ego by chance? likely, he's either a psychopath, or a narcissist. regardless, yo need to understand that he was incapable of true love or empathy. all he needed was a boost to his ego to keep it inflated.

If you don't make it your life goal to kidnap and torture this bitch until she's dead you're fucked up.

Why is Jow Forums so dead tonight???

She did it herself. I was so blindsided that I called her my first night in just to find out "why?". She just cursed me out an hung up. She then turned around and called the police to say I threatened her. Believe it or not, psych wards record calls because they don't want wackos who are threatening people to just be let free.
IDK if she faced any time, but it certainly was brought to the attention of the police she lied to them. I was signed out immediately (they initially were going to hold me 14 days).

She's midwestern opiate addicted trailer trash with a onions soaked boyfriend, not worth the effort. I'll dox her if anyone cares, but frankly I think she'll do worse to herself than I ever could.

>Why is Jow Forums so dead tonight???
the same reason you're a whiny faggot. NOBODY KNOWS LOL

>midwestern opiate addicted trailer trash
Why would you date her? You're a self-destructive moron.

What gives you pleasure in life?

I meant why do none of my browsers let me reply. Fellate a shotgun til it cums buckshot you onions soaked faggot.

I didn't date her, but I was stupid and desperate enough to think that as a girl she could help give me advice. I was dead wrong.

Lately, I briefly enjoy the endorphine hit after going on runs. I also enjoy, and get super productive on, Adderall which I'm scribed. that's about it. Rest of the time I sleep or maybe walk my dog. I can't even play video games as a time waster anymore.

I'll add I used to be a booze hound. While I'm drunk tonight, I no longer enjoy even that. It seems to numb me enough to do basic shit like reply to emails or make sad posts of 4chin, but I certainly cannot be a person all day.

You are a hilarious faggot, please kill yourself and have someone upload it on Liveleak so you can do something productive with your miserable existence.

I don't understand why you're such a whiny little bitch. Looks like you got a great life. Stop letting your dead faggot father influence you.

also one more point.
a key thing to psychopaths and narcissists is, they want to emotionally destroy you to maintain control and dominance over you. that's why they will set unachievable standards and do other dirty tricks to destroy your esteem. psychopaths do it to dominate. narcissists do it to boost their egos.
they only "love" a person who's totally under their control and domination, crippled with feeling of inferiority. that's why they want to constantly criticize you. they want you to be destroyed and crippled by guilt—then they might give you some sort of "closeness". that's why you could have been conditioned to seek failure and reject your earned success, because as a child this might have been the only way to get any semblance of "closeness" to them.

here's the checklist for sefl-defeating personality disorder, see if it fits you:
1. chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
2. rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help them
3. following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain (e.g., an accident)
4. incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
5. rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying themselves (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
6. fails to accomplish tasks crucial to their personal objectives despite having demonstrated ability to do so (e.g., helps fellow students write papers, but is unable to write their own)
7. is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat them well
8. engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice

Go through a life 1-25 being constantly told you're nothing by a something, and come out squeaky clean.

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Do you have any spiritual life OP? I don’t mean religious, but do you meditate, journal or have any kind of support network outside of seeing your therapist on what I imagine is a weekly basis? Seeing a therapist is a great first step on working on yourself, but what is going to change your life is adopting things into your routine that on a daily basis will have you evaluating your thoughts, patterns and behaviors.

Not just evaluating, but learning and growing out of.

I do think my dad had NPD. He REFUSED to see docs. That was his downfall. He had undiagnosed heart problems and when my mom asked him for a divorce he had a heart attack.

LOL don't project your weaknesses onto me, i never gave my parents the chance to do that shit to me. i got an unreasonable, miserable cunt of a mother. can't wait til she's dead like your faggot father.

I used to be presbetaryian and pray every day, but it seemed my prayers were never answered so I stopped at around 19 yo. I'm not an atheist but I stopped caring if there is a god because I figured he's got more important things going on than to care about me.

I hope she dies soon too.

I'd say I got 5 of them. If anything I'm a sucker for people who compliment me, so I'm drawn to people with borderline personality disorder.

We are very different people but I also deal with trauma/unresolved family of origin stuff. I find it’s really helped me to have some kind of routine to enforce spiritual growth, like even watching yt videos about psychology theories regarding spirituality has helped me to live out of principles that ultimately nullified the pain and consequences on my personality of some events.

not as much or sincerely as me LOL

there's your key. you need to understand everything your dad said was bullshit to boost his own ego, and project his own insecurities. likely he had a similar over-critical parent, and had his own insecurities just like you (you can see they persist EVEN if you're successful). you can see he likely fell apart when mother "insulted" him like this. I think his inflated ego simply blew up.
what about your mother? did she treat you well? was she enabling him or not? did she also got sick of his bullshit?

Man I know you're shit talking, but I literally dreamed 5 days before my dad died about him being dead. It was a good dream. Don't let that feel get you down if she hurt you.

I've been getting into the Jordan Peterson vids a lot, but I'm not sure if they fit me. I'm hyper productive as a cog in a machine, even a very large and important cog. My trouble is being a person.

My mother was a non-physical battered house wife. She just bowed to what he did. Even today I try to teach her to be herself and it's clear she's terrified of the light, she just hides inside and watches tv and knits.

>so I'm drawn to people with borderline personality disorder
it is common for people with low self esteem, there's a vid on this youtube.com/watch?v=diEhdbGC-mg&t=3s (I recommend watching this whole channel, a lot of into there which will help)

yeah most of JPs videos are geared towards that kind of self help. I’m an alcoholic so I do AA 12 steps, I wish there was as big/as developed communities for people with issues like yourself.

I appreciate the words /b/ro. thing is it's ongoing and complicated. Emotions are a hell of a puzzle to figure out. But i'm quite sincere when i say i can't wait until the cunt is dead. It is endless work putting in constant effort to not let her do anything that'll make me hate her. And since you brought up JP, i'm sure you understand that sentiment. My mother is a weak petty immature child that can't help itself from behaving like a cunt over nonsense. I mean it when i say every interaction is heavily monitored and micro-managed to keep the dumb cunt from shitting all over what i want to be a beautiful story. Not that any story involving her is beautiful, but i try to make things as good as they can be. Dumb cunts and faggotboys are the bane of beautiful stories.

Saved, thanks

I'll add I cant seem to convince anyone to like me even tangentially so I nuke all social media. I only have a LinkedIn at this point because the hit of so many people denying me on FB and IG just burned too much. Fuck I was even fired from my last corporate job for being "weird". I question if I'm even human.

kind of expected… your dad needed someone to adore and obey him. the channel I linked also talks about this ("human magnet syndrome"—dependent, self-defeating and weak people attract narcissists and psychopaths).
have you read books on narcissistic abuse?
>My mother is a weak petty immature child that can't help itself from behaving like a cunt over nonsense.
so… is she completely submissive, or was she a cunt? how did she treat you?

>so… is she completely submissive, or was she a cunt? how did she treat you?
she's both at different times. that's her game. an eternal emotional hell roller coaster. acts like a cunt because shes a cunt, acts like a scared pathetic doe to regain control when shes done being a cunt. fun fun fun

>I question if I'm even human.
lol we're all stupid fucking animals. What'll separate you from the herd is your ability to recognize patterns or anything undesirable about yourself and change them.

OP again. I'll add one thing for what it's worth. I'm hyper angry yet not once laid hands on a living thing. I have fantasies about martyring myself slaughtering bad people, a way to give myself value.

Hell the way that opiate cunt was able to get me fucked was she selectively cut texts of me once saying I think school shooters are faggots and that if I ever go nuts I'd find an Epstein tier pedo ring and slaughter them all.

Hyper angry at what

I listen to metal regularly to burn away the hate. DESU I low key look like a (short) Ken Doll so people are stunned when they find I have an extensive knowledge of Metal and CS

Life. I'm on the worse half of 28 and can count the nights I've spent with a girl in a bed on my hands. I'd never harm an innocent, but sometimes I pray for plagues.

>I'll add I cant seem to convince anyone to like me even tangentially so I nuke all social media.
it's up to you but I'd say don't.
weirdness is just a symptom. you need self-respect, self-credit for all the work you have done. you might believe it is selfish. but, by chance, did your father call you selfish a lot? if yes, that is a projection. you selflessly worked your ass off. he just needed a scapegoat for his own devil.
completely selfless and completely selfish are two extremes. since you said you used to be religious, I'd note just in case that Christianity praises the first, so it might appear to be "noble" and "right", but its not really healthy. by being selfless, you enable selfish people to take advantage of you, and harm yourself.
there's a golden middle between two extremes. love yourself and others, and embrace reciprocity. don't shun yourself from enjoying something you have earned. don't give to people who don't deserve it. this helps restore your self love and end needless self-scrifice.
when you find your self-worth, self-respect, you start feeling far more confident. your "weirdness" (if it exists at all and isn't your father's BS) will naturally go away, people will start liking you. you can turn this a downward spiral into upward spiral.

Selfish, no. But he'd routinely tell me how my performance was poor, how he expected me to fail, and that girl I was going on a date with was so out of my league I shouldn't get my hopes up. Thank kind of shit.

>28 and can count the nights I've spent with a girl in a bed on my hands

i'm 29 and still a virgin. Life is what you make it. It takes a lot of effort to regulate fucked up thoughts and emotions. You fail when you stop trying. We're all fighting this fight.

I feel man, but in my best attempt to not say this in a bragging way, I'm objectively enviable to look at. My problems are in my fucking brain for sure.

OLOLOLOL i'm a pretty lookin faggotboy with a man's muscles and demeanor too. I like being alone and at peace more than anything. I guess i'm basically you but going a different route. I'd rather be inside my head all the tiem trying to control the energies. Going out in public sucks because of having to transition to a state of polite common courtesy when i really just want to be a stupid animal fucking shit up everywhere i go while not trying to hurt anyone too much.

wow what a manipulative person. playing a victim all the time. I think she was also a big part why you had trauma. manipulativeness might be a sign of several things, either borderline, narcissist or psycho, but hard to imagine 2 NPDs in the same household.
I feel for you OP, no wonder you're so angry. your parents were awful, rotten people, you wasted years of your life having to please them. it probably left you with almost physical feeling of anger constantly.
that's just gaslighting. sounds a bit like Asian parenting style. obviously your father lied to you. why? like I said, either to make himself look great, or to get under your skin and gain control. or both. in any case, not kind at all.
has he ever expressed any gratitude or positivity to you?


Honestly lemme scan above but I don't think I've posted anything I'd be truly ashamed being attached to my name, I'll post a pic if that explans anthing.

You got 2 people mixed up as 1. 1 user has a shitty father, another user has a cunty mother.

lol what is this i don't even...

really? I'm kinda confused then but ok

idk man sounds like you understand behavior pretty well. That's more important than knowing what the fuck is going on in some faggy Jow Forums thread LOL

Op do you have any good friends with whom you can talk about your insecurities and such? Or at least a therapist?

You're a narcissist. Just look at the way you describe yourself, I'm sure if anyone insulted any of these things you think about yourself you'd take great offense to it because you have an inflated image of yourself and pretend to be depressed because you need external validation constantly.

Best of luck, try therapy.

he has Jow Forums /b/ro, shit's cash and much more receptive than irl friends. Jow Forums is much more constructive than irl friends too. irl friends suck LOL

>t. freudfag
nice try but fucking way off the mark.

Don't try to look up any dumb bullshit like self-defeating personality disorder. CPSTD and adulthood bad experiences have left you with an irrationally negative self view (and view of others!) that you can't step back from. Don't dismiss the idea that you have probably absorbed some bad habits from your father's narcissistic madness- you almost certainly have and it probably puts other people off. You're gonna be unraveling this ball of hellish brain yarn for a loooong time.

I see a therapist once a week. At this point I've burnt my friend base to the nub.

Nah not really off the mark man, you’re a narcissist but because you don’t align with “perfect” traits (you’re short, poor parental relationships etc) you’re furious because even though you objectively believe in your mind that you are better than 99% of people, you don’t believe it in your heart. Whenever someone or something confirms this to you (that you are not perfect and therefore not deserving of the positive emotions associated with experiences of narcissism), you get rage because they “figured you out” and because you’re mad at not being able to be ACES all of the time. I wouldn’t suggest therapy, but I would suggest considering how unattractive angry people are. If you want to be a catch, but you have a shitty temper, you’re not a catch.

Not really, that self definition is the definition of covert narcissism.

I am completely sure if anyone even dared suggest having your own consulting firm or going to an ivy league school wasn't impressive you'd get defensive about it immediately. Same if anyone rated you lower than an 8.

what a stupid answer. do you understand what narcissism is? the main symptom is inflated sense of self worth. when OP has EXACTLY the opposite. while the core of it is the same as OP—that is shame and low self worth—, OP didn't develop inflated, made up ego to mask his shame. s

holy fuck /b/ro you're putting a whole lot of wasted effort into pseudo-psycho-analyzing the wrong person, i'm not OP. But i've talked enough with OP to know he aint a fucking caricature of mental illness you're trying to make him out to be. And it's pretty obvious you're just regurgitating horseshit you read on wikipedia.

>gets absurdly defensive when criticized
>"I'm not a narcissist"
Whatever you say friend. Go to therapy.

what a fag you are
>oh you say you're a victim?? you're just pretending cause you're a narcissist!! I saw this one article on Buzzfeed so I know! haha you got told by me, look how awesome i am.
>what?? you don't believe it? well that's EXACTLY what a narcissist would say! looks like I win again!
if you want a covert narcissist, look in the mirror.

Okay y’all mad, I’m just shit posting. Tell OP what pharmaceutical drugs he should be on, quick! Sorry about your low self esteem, OP. YOU’RE WORTH IT (;

LOL and you think we're not? try putting some wit and clever into your shitposts instead of faggy emoji's and self-satisfaction.

I mean I'm not the one going absolutely ballistic after someone called me something that hurt my feefees lmao

no your just a rodent clumsily trying to troll


>Don't dismiss the idea that you have probably absorbed some bad habits from your father's narcissistic madness- you almost certainly have and it probably puts other people off. You're gonna be unraveling this ball of hellish brain yarn for a loooong time.
this is kinda correct. children naturally copy their parents. and narcissists and psychopaths can be actually pretty awkward people. with dulled empathy often they don't understand how awkward and fake they act.
and yeah there's a lot to sort out to understand exactly where your parents have been projecting, manipulating, gaslighting you and so on. analyzing their own parents sometimes gives clues.

what did he say about your parents?

This user knows what's up. It was scary as fuck for me to recognize my parents' tendencies in me. I still see them and i want to undo some of them. Solving emotional puzzles like this is a weird fucking endeavor.

It really is strange trying to shred certain parts of yourself while maintaining others. Certainly has an effect on physical health for sure LOL my body is fucked up from over exercising and overeating on junk food to cope. We create our own fucking problems after reacting to what life deals us holy shit get out as soon as you can fuck fuck fuck


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Gotta relax and calm down. Get back to a cool level. A sexy place.

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I shouldn't have smoked that weed.

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I was in the same boat, I knew my parents were narcissists and what exactly was going on. but I was stuck with this same feeling that I was becoming like my parents. it took actually understanding how narcissists and psychos "work" and all their manipulation, double standards, lies etc, to actually break from it. the biggest realization was that they have no empathy. but there are many more.
it is an anecdote, but the realizations were sometimes shocking to me. like, my father projected 99% of time in a conversation, including his greed and parasitic character. my mother lied and manipulated almost any conversation, to the point of making a caustic rude remark, then calling me caustic for an objective response, then claiming she was not caustic and was being objective. all this was always before my eyes, plain as day, but I never noticed it.
I feel it is especially helpful to find contradictions in behavior of these people. it is when you unmask any double standard, "good intentions" and other lies, when it finally gets off your chest.
sometimes also we get angry at some irrelevant things, like politics, coworkers' remarks and such. they appear almost personally connected to us, it's like they speak to us on a personal level. I found if you can get to the root of this, often these things will actually just remind you about your parents, and similar lies/remarks they made. so analyzing this can also help.

fuck ya