Let's say that I have a history of mental illness and continue to have compulsive violent fantasies. They're not sexual, just violent. Extremely violent, sometimes, like how I want to stab someone at work for some comment I found offensive or how I just want to inflict suffering on people who I think have it coming. Maybe revenge fantasies where I round up people and shoot them for some crime.
I have a history of anti-social personality traits that I've been dealing with (and which I mostly thought had gotten better until recently) but I just can't shake this insatiable need for violence.
It's usually only episodic, like I feel bad afterwards for thinking this way and most people know me as a pretty nice guy but... well I didn't have the best childhood and there are some severe after affects of this. Are there healthy alternatives I can take? Should I go back to therapy maybe? I've been thinking about taking up kickboxing or hunting or something to find some kind of catharsis. I'm just unsure what to do :/
having violent fantasies is what a lot of ordinary people will do. if it is persistent, it is usuallt linked to suppressed anger, possibly from childhood trauma. you should understand your trauma to alleviate anger, why you were abused and how your issues are linked to it. did your therapist help you do that?
Extremely isolated as a child, over medicated, sometimes physically abused in forms of bullying or parental abuse. I have a pretty vivid memory of my father choking me one night when he got home drunk. I wasn't really used to being touched by anybody though, I wasn't often hit.
Eventually I developed some pretty serious issues with violent tendencies. O
I stabbed discarded furniture , pieces of cardboard, burned things. I ... kind of molested one of my sister's friends. I made plans from rape , murder, etc. I was still too sympathetic to kill animals then, in fact cats had been some of the only friends I felt I had. Beyond that though, I hated people.
>Did therapy help A little. I mostly lied in order to avoid being diagnosed as anything but depressed. I tried to an hero a few times so it seemed believable. Really it was some people at my school (private Christian school, were willing to talk to me about things most people wouldn't) that helped me. Im not sure if it was conduct disorder or if I'm just a genuine psychopath. I still feel love, I can feel the pain of others, and I now enjoy the company of people but ... some things still linger.
>isolated you mean alone or with your parents? in any case, it is absolutely clear why you have these issues. I think you're not necessarily a psychopath. while violence correlates with it, their key characteristic is lack of conscience. they lack empathy or remorse for their actions, and I think you do. you just have extreme anger from neglect and abandonment. I don't know if your psychotherapist explained it, but when we're children, we require attention and care. if we don't get it, it fucks up with our whole system, not just logic but even biology. abandonment is extreme trauma for a child and creates extreme suffering and anger. but to continue to function, our brain "buries" these events deep into our subconsciousness. but eventually when we grow up they start surfacing in unexplained anger and violence.
this also creates life-long attachment trauma because, again, our child brains are extremely fragile, and their developmentis hugely impacted by environment. to make an analogy, they're like that of a small animal. if it is fed and cared for by people, that animal will usually have no fear of people and attach to them easily. but if it wasn't harmed or tortured instead, it will develop lifelong fear and resentment of humans. our childhood sets up attachment patterns for our whole life. in normal families, children get adequate care in their developing years, and from childhood they internalize that "people can be trusted, I won't get betrayed or harmed". but since your environment was extremely harsh, to survive your brain took a different turn: "people are evil, they can't be trusted". this is buried deep in your brain, far deeper than just logic can reach.
what you did boils down more to anger and revenge fantasies than psychopath violence. you can see you mostly let it out on inanimate objects. you clearly had stopped short of harming living beings because your consciousness didn't let you do that. so this mostly eliminates psychopathy. psychopaths would torture cats and burn property without a second thought and think they are innocent. it's hard to pinpoint exactly what you have. but you can still work on your trauma by gradually bringing it from your subconscious to conscious and understanding it. likely, one or more of your caregivers lacked conscience or empathy, and were either psychopaths or narcissists. even if they didn't physically assault you except once, emotional abuse still creates very real damage to childhood psyche and thus later anger problems, distrust and extreme sensitivity to rejection. what you might want to think of is that your caregivers probably WERE psychopaths, as in, lacked remorse or guilt after they did harm to you. when you understand reasons and your abusers' inadequacies, it might start alleviating anger and distrust of people because you have pinpointed the cause.
>bringing it from your subconscious to conscious and understanding it. Not really sure what there is to understand though. I'm very aware of what happened, and why. I'm just unsure if there is anyway to cope with my personality traits even if I am aware of it and sometimes I'm afraid I might just snap
I mean, do you understand if your parents had some particular personality disorder? it helps understand why they did abusive things and didn't feel empathy. it's much worse when you consider them just "bad and wanted to harm you" and feel angry about their behavior instead of understanding that the disorder is the root for their behavior. you also get a general idea of how people with their disorder act so you make harsh memories less harsh. eventually it alleviates the fear of your childhood memories, and you start making sense of what happened one by one, and you slowly process this trauma. process—this is key here, that's why I stress this. children can't process trauma, and they are also dependent on their caregivers. grownups can process trauma, that's why very few events in life actually traumatize us as deep the older you get. and once you grow up, you aren't dependent on your parents anymore, you might employ some critical thinking, think from different positions. this is how you can heal trauma. I used to also have severe trauma, and I thought I reached to the bottom of it. I pinpointed harmful events but clearly not all of them, some sounded more like pet peeves. but it wasn't until I read on narcissism and psychopathy that I truly got it. it was when I finally found explanations for why abuse happened, when my anger finally disappeared.
Well, no I don't think they had any personality disorders. I've already come to terms with why they did what they did and who they are, and it has indeed made me less angry. My father was raised in an abusive household and my mother was both extremely busy and extremely controlling. Neither parent had much time for me, and when I started misbehaving I got a diagnosis for ADHD and was promptly given the maximum legal dosage a year later. This ended o with me having chronic insomnia, extreme headaches that were sometimes so painful I would throw up, and stomachaches that I would get sent home from school for. I also never had any friends as I was pretty much zonked out of my mind on amphetamines most of the time. I have always been extremely alone, and that built up into pretty extreme rage. Sadism, even. Which is what I have problems with. I like hurting people, I still feel like it would be fun to take a knife to someone who deserved it. In fact, sometimes I think the only reason I didn't do that in hs was because I knew I would get caught.
>I don't think they had any personality disorders. > My father was raised in an abusive household he probably does have one. >my mother was both extremely busy and extremely controlling did she put you on medication? here's one important question: has she ever admitted she was wrong to do that? have you felt she experiences guilt for anything? did she feel cold and detached? have you ever felt she was sadistic? lastly, did she have a grandiose self esteem?
>This ended o with me having chronic insomnia, extreme headaches that were sometimes so painful I would throw up, and stomachaches that I would get sent home from school for. this is bad. I feel really sad for you. do you know if these drugs left permanent damage?
>has she ever admitted she was wrong to do that? For awhile she completely denied it, but she came to terms with it after we talked. She cried pretty hard about it. She just thought I was a sickly child and didn't know that the medication was affecting me that badly. She didn't really pay attention to me much and I didn't want to talk with her either.
>Was she sadistic Neglectful and controlling whenever I actually was around her , but no not sadistic. >Grandiose self esteem No not really.
Well, after I took myself off them I had a lot off issues. Psychosis , depression, alcoholism, then I tried to kill myself a few times. PTSD for a long time that I didn't want treatent for (lost trust with doctors after I realized how badly overmedicated I was). Also I have 0 appetite
>Well, after I took myself off them I had a lot off issues. Psychosis , depression, alcoholism, then I tried to kill myself a few times. PTSD for a long time that I didn't want treatent for (lost trust with doctors after I realized how badly overmedicated I was). Also I have 0 appetite oh shit. this is indeed very bad. sorry but now I do get why you believe that therapy might not solve everything. this is horrifying. I think you feel extremely betrayed—and that's because you were. but this raises a question… >Neither parent had much time for me >when I started misbehaving I got a diagnosis for ADHD how harsh is that? do none of them have any empathy or attention to you whatsoever? and it's contradictory—first they don't care about you, then they suddenly care you have ADHD? do you think your mother has ever been actually warm to you—not in a fake, but genuine way? and >She just thought I was a sickly child and didn't know that the medication was affecting me that badly wait, she didn't know? did she care that little? why did she deny it then? do you think she is actually trustworthy? >She cried pretty hard about it. but this is kinda important—did she ADMIT guilt per se? or did she still say "we wanted the best for you"?
also—imagine you have a (supposedly dear) child who you pay no attention to. and he suddenly starts misbehaving. you find no better idea than to put your dear son on ADHD drugs. you again pay no attention to him despite he clearly is suffering badly and skips school. then you say you "didn't know" drugs did bad to him despite your obvious pain. you somehow "didn't know" he suffered. and in the end you… don't care? I'll tell you straight, I'm 99% sure your mother is a psychopath. she seems to have zero empathy and remorse, and that's for her son who has been in obvious pain. she also seems to only care about 1 thing—so that things go to her best comfort, according to her plan—because she's more important (and thats what I mean by grandiose esteem). this is clear psychopathy.
>molested one of my sister's friends Story?
>This is horrifying Yeah I almost killed other people and myself. I mostly just shoplifted, vandalized, and got hammered instead though. Although I did try to kill myself a few times. One night during a particularly bad psychotic episode that I made worse by getting black out drunk. Woke up the next day barely remembering what had happened and with bandages around my wrists. Not sure if it was self mutilation or suicide becsuse I cut pretty goddamned deep but on the wrong side. Basically tore off a good chunk of skin in 8 cuts that were nearly half an inch thick with a bunch of smaller cuts up and down my forearm. These memories just sort of trickled back to me over some time, which lead to some PTSD.
>do none of them have any empathy or attention to you whatsoever? No they did. When they had free time they would try to take me and my sister out to eat, or hike, or play video games. They were just extremely busy people. My mother has psychopathic tendencies as far as being controlling and having a hard time admitting she is wrong. She did try to get me professional help, when I slit my wrists I refused to go to a hospital but instead I started going to therapy on her recommendation. She even helped me clean my wounds in the mornings sometimes. The tldr of her is that she was a criminal defense lawyer, one of the best in my state actually and she worked some pretty important cases. Now she is a federal judge.
My father on the other hand, basically fled the extreme wealth of his abusive mob connected family from out East and tried to found a better life for his future kids. Worked in the bar scene and is extremely well known around my area. He wasn't perfect either, and I've come to terms with his flaws.
>First they don't care for you then they do once you have ADHD No they did care , like I said they were just extremely busy people and just kind of sent me here and there to be helped by surrogates instead of being totally alone. Didn't really work.
It’s called intrusive thoughts, everyone has them. If you have thoughts but don’t act on them then you’re normal.
>wait, she didn't know Not for awhile, it wasn't until like 2 years after starting the medication that we switched from Adderall to Vyvanse - 70mg of it daily. I stopped having searing migraine headaches but I was virtually dead in terms of my personality. I did have ADHD pretty badly though and I couldn't function in a school setting.
>Did she admit guilt Not really, no. She does have some psychopathic traits don't get me wrong but I wouldn't call her a total psychopath. If she were tested for it she would score high, but not high enough I don't think.
I did act on them though. I molested my sister's friends, was a habitual thief, tried to kill myself, and I ... really did try to kill people. Like, I would go out at night with a knife seeing if there was maybe a homeless person passed out in an alleyway I could kill sometimes. Those were only after pretty bad weeks though, and those kinds of impulses were a pretty major factor in me trying to become an hero. Also this place, Jow Forums, really didn't help. Egged me on a lot.
When my sister's friends would sleep over I would touch them in their sleep. Also my sister. I'm not giving more details than that. I was 14 and they were 12 or 13. It wasn't rape, I guess if you want to get into semantics, but I did molest them.
No, she did pay attention to me just extremely sparingly because of how busy she was. It was recommended by a teacher that I get tested
You need to go see a therapist and get a proper diagnosis. I know you may not want to hear it but homicidal/suicidal thoughts and tendencies are not likely to decrease just because you take up a hobby or post about it on Jow Forums. You, yourself, said this place has only been detrimental in getting you help. I'm not sure why you would think somehow that had changed...oh wait, it's prolly because you're mentally ill and unstable.
I'm by no means an expert on psychopathology but it sounds like you may have antisocial personality disorder (specifically look at sociopathy). The only way to get better, if you truly do want it, is to get diagnosed, possibly start taking meds (the FDA hasn't approved any drugs to treat this nor have there been any studies showing a particular drug was effective at treating symptoms of APD), and return to regular therapy sessions.
I seriously wish you good luck; I'm sure all the neglect from your early years has permanently altered your brain chemistry is some very detrimental ways and no child deserves that. This doesn't mean you can't get better but you have to want it and actively seek help, and be honest with your therapist ffs. Also, maybe look into k transfusions (if you can get access), they don't know why but ketamine has been shown to promote neurogenesis (and therefore could maybe help rewire your brain in positive ways).
>I wouldn't call her a total psychopath she has no guilt for damaging her own son's brain with adhd drugs. that's total psychopath. they can cry by the way. psychopathy doesn't necessarily turn people into killers/criminals. a lot of psychopaths are well adjusted, and some are very successful. they don't break the law so they would score lower on a test, but they still lack remorse or empathy. still, due to how busy they were, it's clear your parents were often unavailable or withdrawn. was there anyone else for you? grandma, siblings, babysitter? >Basically tore off a good chunk of skin in 8 cuts that were nearly half an inch thick with a bunch of smaller cuts up and down my forearm. I think I get a picture now. what you have might have some antisocial traits, but it largely looks like extreme case of borderline. it seems that you do reckless activities just to numb the pain. you also self-harm which is key characteristic of borderlines. you also seem to have depression, anger, substance abuse, and rage, which frequently accompany it. it's just gotten so extreme to the point where you barely have any control (note how you even didn't remember that you self harmed).
also, I think you might be splitting (e.g. thinking in black and white of people) a little bit, which is characteristic of borderline. despite what your father and mother did to you, you seem to deny they did something bad and insist they were good people while making excuses. and instead, on the opposite side, when you get slighted by people, you feel so negative of them that you get tremendously angry at them and get revenge fantasies.
>she has no guilt for damaging her own son's brain with adhd drugs Idk, it would just be hard to believe that she is a psychopath. She is extremely well likes and besides being extremely driven she's around me as much as she can. She would drive me to soccer practice , attend school events, etc. It's just that she was too busy to notice me having a lot of problems. I don't think she is a psychopath. Unlike with most people I meet, I have some good memories with my family so it's harder for me to dehumanize them. I'm aware psychopaths don't have to be murderers btw.
>was there anyone else for you? grandma, siblings, babysitter? My sister and I never really got along and I wasn't particularly fond of my grandmother. She wasn't a bad person, I just hated being around people after awhile. I had a cousin, a girl a few months older than me who liked me in ... a lot of ways I was too cold to really return. How other people functioned on a day to day basis socially was a mystery to me. I grew up to be somewhat religious and I thought that incest was something beneath me, but in hindsight wonder if something like that might've helped? Maybe it would've grounded me , because then I would be around her and her group of friends (who also, for whatever reason liked the quiet guy. Turns out I was pretty handsome, but I never believed people when they said it). She really did seem to care, up until high school and she found new friends while I became this nutcase. Then she too grew cold, I would still try to text her about things but I was insane. Alll it did was scare her. I even admitted that I was about to try to kill myself and she texted back being scared and sad, but I thought to test her a bit, and I texted her back that I was "just looking for attention and I didn't mean it". We haven't talked about it since although I've tried to talk to her about it once. Clearly didn't want to.
Beyond that, nope. Nobody.
>I feel bad afterwards for thinking this way Maybe you shouldn't. They're just thoughts, not actions. Just like sexual fantasies are just that, fantasies, and maybe it's better not to judge them. I'd apply the same here. Life has been hard enough, so no reason to beat yourself over things that you are actually "not doing". My suggestion is: when those thoughts happen try to become an spectator. Look at them as if you were an audience inside your head, not a participant. Don't fuel them, just observe how they come, how they stay a while, and how they go. On that sense I really recommend you try Zazen meditation in a professional dojo, with serious people, in the most serious place that you can find, no sugarcoated, modified, westernized version, no let's focus on anything else than the practice itself. Just plain, good, old, 800 years old, traditional zazen, in a zazen place, not on your own. It'll cost you almost no money. Every dojo usually gives free introductory lessons and lets newfags try for free once a week. Try it and see how thoughts come, fuck around, and them leave. And see how it means nothing.
>you also self-harm which is key characteristic of borderlines I only did it 3 times, actually. Once was on a dare from here and I just cut up some of my shoulder and posted it on /b/, once was due to a bitches suicide attempt, and once was due to something kind of weird. There was a super moon one night in late fall and I decided to hike to the top of a mountain to see it. I made a promise to myself that night to rise above my circumstances, accept what I was, and move on. I also decided to consecrate this promise with blood. There was this weird symbolism about me bleeding on top of the mountain, alone, in front of a cold fullf moon. Almost like it was some kind of offering to a lovecraftian creature. Haven't done it since.
>You're extremely borderline Yeah, I either get that or ASPD. If I'm gonna be honest, I still really want to kill someone. Maybe I should talk about that. I was obsessed with serial killers, gore, murder, rape, etc since I was like 13. These feelings just come up as like this urge, almost like when you get horny except instead of wanting to have sex you just want to see blood and pain.It was about wanting to dominate someone or make them afraid. It's not even about revenge, I just think it would be fun. So, you said that my mother is somewhat psychopathic right? Well my father's side of the family are all soldiers, lawyers, cut throat business people, or connected with the mob. How much of this shit is genetic?
When I was young I oscillated between being kind of excited thinking about that and feeling nothing. Not even disgust, I knew it was wrong but that's kind of why I likes it. In hs I felt nothing but things like that. Now I oscillate between disgust and getting turned on by the thought of it. Maybe it's not disgust, it's just like there are times I feel I'm too weak to do it. That I have some sense of guilt. Then there are times I feel no guilt and am only stopped by being logical about it. It would cause too much attention and ruin my chances for control. I kind of lied earlier when I said it wasn't sexual, its very much about dominance. Although I don't want to torture women in a sexual way, though I like dominating things of course. That's another thing - I lie a lot.
But then I think you might actually be a genuine psychefag and not just a uni student trying to get a degree.
>She is extremely well likes "well liked" you mean? psychopaths are very charming people in general. and >and besides being extremely driven those of them who adjust indeed have a lot of drive. or more like constant boredom and itch to do new things. they can be very productive. >she's around me as much as she can. She would drive me to soccer practice , attend school events, etc. yeah, I think she was very high functioning. but, there's a more important question: has she been warm or loving? did you maybe feel that she was cold, as if she TRIED to be close as if she kept you at distance? do you think she ever listened to you, to your feelings, and could identify with them? >so it's harder for me to dehumanize them there's no need to dehumanize them as in it only produces more hate and anger. but you need to not overlook anything and hold them responsible when it comes to analyzing your condition.
Asceticism sound pretty interesting to me, actually. It'd be interesting to actually achieve some kind of out of body experience like that. To just sit somwhere for hours with my own thoughts trying to sit still. I might learn something interesting about this inner turmoil and why some of my more malignant behaviors ebb and flow.
also, forgot to add. well adjusted psychopaths can actually be very polite people. "polite"—but not actually kind or warm. they are simply unable to relate to any of your feelings. they can identify them, they might express fake "empathy", but they can't actually relate to what you feel. parent's denial of validity of child's feelings is actually one of the contributors to borderline. so it's important to know if you think she truly did have empathy.
>has she been warm or loving? Yes, she used to tuck me into bed at night in this warm way, something she said her father used to do when she was younger. Also we had this thing we would say between us that I started when I was young.
>I love >Love you too >Love your more >Love you love you love you etc, etc.
Sometimes she would talk to me about girls, actually thought I was gay because i wasn't bringing girls home like the other boys would until she discovered my immense stash of porn. She also cleaned my wounds after that night I slashed my wrists up. But besides small things like that, not much. You're probably right about her being a psychopath, she is very manipulative. Then I question whether I have some of those traits myself. Or would that make me a sociopath because I still do have some sympathy and feelings? Do psychopaths have feelings?
>You need to hold them responsible I do, I just think confronting them would be counter productive for everyone involved. My mother and father have a lot of connections I find useful. Also money. They're respected , even if they have skeletons in the closet when it comes to the way they raised me. My father genuinely wants to be a better father than his own and I know loves me. With my mom, it's more complicated.
Hmm.. no. Come to think of it, my mother ever shed a tear about how I slit my wrists and she just kind of accepted it. Like >Ugh, this is what I have to deal with now? In fact she suggested I didn't go to the hospital because it would cause attention and she would threaten to send me to a psyche ward because of how stressful I was to be around.
>It was about wanting to dominate someone or make them afraid. It's not even about revenge, I just think it would be fun. usually, psychopaths don't self harm. so I think you're extreme borderline with ASPD tendencies, which you manage to contain but which want to get out in some conditions. still I think you're not a full-fledged ASPD, it's kind of inside you but it's kept at bay: there's still conscience and moral that hold you back. given your other strong impulsive urges, it's no surprise you struggle with this too. and it might not even be ASPD, just another borderline escape to alleviate pain. >So, you said that my mother is somewhat psychopathic right? still trying to understand this, but seems quite a bit like it. >Well my father's side of the family are all soldiers, lawyers, cut throat business people, or connected with the mob. How much of this shit is genetic? hard to say: "Research into genetic associations in antisocial personality disorder is suggestive that ASPD has some or even a strong genetic basis. Prevalence of ASPD is higher in people related to someone afflicted by the disorder.". also, "Various other gene candidates for ASPD have been identified by a genome-wide association study published in 2016. Several of these gene candidates are shared with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, with which ASPD is comorbid." but one of the main contributors can be your childhood in any case. obviously, it's really hard to say what has been done by biology, what was environment, and what was over-medication.
>it might not even be ASPD, just another borderline escape to alleviate pain. So, how does that work? I feel these hateful, violent impulses in order to spare myself pain? Is there any way around that? Maybe some kind of habit I could pick up to prevent feeling this? See, as much I do enjoy thinking about hurting people I like feeling connections with people more. It's not always that this happens though, really sometimes I'm a complete prick and other times I'm pretty empathetic.
Also I'm worried about being pushed past my morals sometimes. If there's a significant enough stressor I think I might just snap one day.
>But besides small things like that, not much. You're probably right about her being a psychopath, she is very manipulative. pathological lying and manipulation is one of key features of psychopathy. I should probably reveal my own mother is a psychopath, and I find your mother extremely similar. I myself thought she was a very good person, until I realized she felt no remorse for harming me and couldn't go without manipulative lying every minute. >Then I question whether I have some of those traits myself. Or would that make me a sociopath because I still do have some sympathy and feelings? Do psychopaths have feelings? psychopathy is often synonymous with sociopathy. the latter is sometimes used to distinct between environmentally caused disorder, whereas "psychopath" refers to biological, but it's not so important in this case. >Do psychopaths have feelings? they do but they are extremely dulled or minimal. they experience little to no anxiety or fear. female psychopaths are more prone to though, and occasionally if someone from their family suffers or dies, they might cry. other than dulled love for family members, they usually can't love anyone else. they can marry but more for personal goals. but speaking of you… you're way too aware of your own feelings and have way too much concern and remorse about them to truly be a psychopath. if you were a true psychopath, you'd manipulate and lie this whole conversation, and feel you didn't do anything wrong in your whole life, experiencing more pride than anything. you're pretty much the opposite of that.
yes and now. Learning and achievements will be more like side effects. But at the same time wanting those things will deviate you from "the path". It's complicated to explain. But yes, you should give it a try, but don't waste your time with new age shit or "let's focus on the ceremonies or any other shit and not on the practice because it's easier that way".
*yes and no. Not yes and now, lel
I have a list of health issues. When I feel stabby as I like to say. I play with my knives. Sometimes I'll go into GTA5 just to pull out an automatic rifle point and shoot at the nearest npc's just to hear them scream as their bodies hit the floor.
>I do, I just think confronting them would be counter productive for everyone involved. of course do not confront them! that's not what I meant. I meant holding them responsible for their actions in your mind. this way, at least you understand what you are angry at, instead of being angry at the world and everything. and with your mother, you might understand the reason why she harmed you this way without remorse, or why she never related to your feelings. btw I kind of get a feeling that you deny the validity of your feelings to yourself as a result. and this denial that your anger and sadness is part of why these feelings are getting out of your control. >My father genuinely wants to be a better father than his own and I know loves me. can you tell more about him? >In fact she suggested I didn't go to the hospital because it would cause attention and she would threaten to send me to a psyche ward because of how stressful I was to be around. you know, it's just extremely cold, don't you think? I think strangers on the street have more empathy than your mother had to you. I mean, imagine your child lies with slit wrist. we're not talking a light headache there, right? you can see your son bleeding. what would you do in this situation? if it was me, I'd probably be in tears, with intense guilt and sadness. and your mother was just like, "ok". this is what I'm talking about when I mean it fucks people up. your mother basically denies you're hurt, it's like she doesn't even get it. and you start denying your own pain and your own feelings, because no one actually bothered to acknowledged their existence.
>if you were a true psychopath, you'd manipulate and lie this whole conversation, I mean, i thought about it. That's what I mean, I always have these very strong impulses that I can kind of keep at bay but which I just need to let loose every now and then. It's always present and sometimes I just give into it. Sometimes it bad, a few nights ago I got drunk and ran a knife along the throat of my dog just thinking about what it would be like to kill something. Like I just lose whatever emotional connections with people sometimes. Then , of course, I think about all the questions that would be raised about the death of the dog , how to dispose of it, the mess it would make, etc. It's not even empathy that stops me but just cold logic.
I just don't know how to deal with it. Maybe a gf would help, but then I don't think there a woman in the world actually willing to deal with my bullshit who isn't a nutcase like myself. Honestly, I'm worried about being abusive to someone I love.
also, to illustrate denial of feelings further. I think it goes like this. imagine you've been harmed by you mother. what normally would go on in your head? >I'm in pain >you're at fault but your mother, being a psychopath, feels no remorse, and manipulates your persception. she says things contrary to your feelings: >you don't feel pain >I'm not at fault for anything >you're such a bother and eventually you internalize it. your feelings get repressed, they get replaced by >I feel no pain, everything is fine >my mother is not at fault >I am such a bother but your repressed feelings simply find a way eventually, when trauma accumulates to such a degree that it's impossible to hold back, and they break out of control, breaking a mental "dam".
> I feel these hateful, violent impulses in order to spare myself pain? could be. probably. it's same as impulsive drinking, drugs, destroying furniture. you just want to do reckless things, dangerous things. it is, like you said, an uncontrolled urge. it's actually not so similar to psychopathy. often, psychopaths are actually do not want to just do "bad things". they simply see nothing wrong with those in the first place, and feel like they take advantage of the situation. some think of people as worthless, they kill like a cat hunts a mouse and plays with it. some do it because they actually enjoy it, it alleviates their pathological boredom. but—it could still also be some other tendency. would help to know more about your father to be sure. >Also I'm worried about being pushed past my morals sometimes. "Other symptoms [of borderline] may include feeling unsure of one's personal identity, morals, and values".
>can you tell more about him He was one of the few people I trusted. Him, me, and my sister were around each other a lot. We went camping a few times, talked about movies, video games, geology. He actually felt like a parent but he had his own flaws.
He's notorious around my area because he has mob connections, his family is extremely rich and have a lot of connections / power. I was actually invited by my aunt to meet Kanye West once. Also they all hate each other. His father was abusive and so he tried to move away from Jersey to find a new life. He was more like a friend versus a father figure - as a child. When I got older I worked with him for some time and it wasn't until then that he became actually fatherly. He was obsessed with work but I got to know him better that way.
Huh, so all this pent up repressed feeling, is it permenant or can I find some catharsis?
That's the issue, it feels like a mix between not seeing others as human and just wanting to do something dangerous. Like, there are times when I can't see any value in people around me and start to think of them as though I'm free to do anything. It exciting but it's also just an impulse. I don't see it as bad,I just see the possibility of getting in trouble to be bothersome. I used to justify whatever petty crimes I knew I could get away with pretty faulty logic.
I think you could try to substitute of course and find something less dangerous. but you need to go to the root cause of the problem: you need to reconnect with your feelings. right now you're dissociated from your anger at your mother and pain caused by her (see ). you simply think these feelings aren't real, they aren't yours. and that's why you keep doing dangerous, harmful things for seemingly "no reason". but the "reason" the repressed anger at your mother, you just think it isn't real. I think you need to start one by one confirming these feelings. it's as easy as saying internally, "yes, this is indeed what I (should probably) feel". try to not stop if you think that your mother was somehow "in the right". I talked about her manipulation, pathological lying, lack of guilt and how she put her personal self-interest above your feelings. so just for once, try to put your feelings above her personal agenda. consider this: you already did the opposite that, and what happened? yes, your mother's precious self interest wasn't harmed, surely. but her son got completely devastated in the process. it's clear that nothing good came out of it. if you put your feelings above her agenda in your mind just for once, it certainly won't get any worse.
>He actually felt like a parent but he had his own flaws. which flaws? >He was more like a friend versus a father figure - as a child. can you elaborate a little? >Huh, so all this pent up repressed feeling, is it permenant or can I find some catharsis? >catharsis I think it's no surprise you use this word because it might be what you seek with transgressive behavior. as I have said below in might try to find better substitute, but ideally you should try to reconnect with your feelings. I must add and stress something though: you should probably stop trusting your mother's narrative instead of your own feelings. psychopaths work like this: they only see their feelings, and they don't see yours. and to make things worse, they can easily manipulate you into perceiving reality as if fits them. in result your own perspective and emotions can get "erased" and replaced by theirs. as a consequence, you might feel like your own perceptions and feelings aren't even real, you detach from them. it could be for this reason why your identity, self-image, morals, etc. also blur. because everything feels distant and barely real, you feel too detached from everything. and a growing need for transgression could be your desire to break from this oppressive denial. or maybe just to feel alive. to confirm that you are still yourself, if this makes any sense. for this reason first step is breaking from your mother's narrative, and establishing your own. instead of "my mother was distracted because my wrists were slit, it wasn't so important", try establishing your own sort of narrative. "I slit my wrists. I was in great pain and bleeding, but my mother didn't care much". try focusing on your perspective, your feelings, instead of her feelings. don't rely on your mother to confirm your feelings because she won't do that. they are real if you felt them.
Youre a psychopath. You dont care about us, so why should we care about you or care enough about you to help you? You wouldnt do the same for us.
Sorry for what you went thru user, it's obvious where your problems arise from. The other user has given you a lot of good advices already that you should listen to. In regards to therapy if you decide to take that route I think it would be beneficial if you find a therapist that is committed to helping you without imediatly prescribing medications. Having someone trustworthy to talk to about what you are going thru when you experience those episodes would probably help you process and control them. Also talking about your childhood and acknowledging all that repressed rage would be cathartic.
You have to find a therapist that you can feel you can trust and can open up to without lying. Since you have homicidal thoughts I understand why you have a tendency to lie. Talking about that in therapy could get you unwanted attention if the therapist thinks you might harm someone. Neither the less I'm sure there are some therapists who would help without alerting authorities. Maybe try to get a man instead of a woman. As a woman might feel more insecure in your presence if you start to open up about your darker side. I feel like you have an emotional and metal scar that will take some time and effort to heal with support and love but medication will only make things worse and further accerbate the problem. Like the other user said acknowledging your feelings is a first step in healing.
In regards to what you said about a gf, idk user.... Did you ever have one before? Relationships can lead to a lot volatile emotions, something that could be dangerous for you and send you over the edge. You'd need to find a very chill girl that loves and supports you while also being strong enough to set boundaries so you don't hurt her.
How much honestly is in what you told us and how much is a lie?
Also please don't hurt the doggy. :( He's innocent in all of this and probably a friend to you when you're not drunk.
I also feel like you think people are untrustworthy and they have no reason to love you. And when they show affection you think it's just mind games they're playing.
Apparently I'm not a psychopath, I'm just extremely borderline with anti-social tendencies
>which flaws? He didn't really know what a father should be and taught me very little about what it means to be a man. He could also have a temper but like I said, he didn't really hit me. He choked and threatened me one night after I hit my sister pretty hard but that was it.
>Ignore my mother's narrative Yeah, that's probably something I need to face up to as well. It's no use reasoning with her about anything and she's willing to pay for things I need though I understand how superficial it all is.
>He didn't really know what a father should be and taught me very little about what it means to be a man. why do you think he didn't do that? was he supportive? do you think he was there for you when you had it rough? if he felt more like a friend, was he a good friend at least? did he spend time with you? did he drink/use drugs, and if yes, did it affect your relationship? while of course not as traumatizing as psychopathic abuse, this can also contribute to life confusion. as children, we expect and need caregivers we can depend on, who feel responsible for us. friends, while better than nothing, are not something we can depend on. or do you think you could depend on him?
They'd report me immediately if I were to talk to them about these things. I have very real problems with built up rage and some sadism , I've attempted suicide and done some self mutilation, and I've tried to kill people.
I don't really want that attention, this is something I keep to myself and maybe curious anons. I wouldn't even talk to a wife about these things. >Ever had a gf No, but a lot of women have tried to get close to me. Although for a long time I refused to recognize it, I'm actually fairly good looking and Jow Forums. I still have women flirt with me, tell me they want to try things, all that but it's difficult to establish an emotional connection with people. Also, the thought of letting go sexually when I've had such terrible fantasies makes me doubt myself. >How much is a lie 95% true, the other 5% is stuff I don't remember well. The purpose of the discussion is to identify whatever disorder I have and treat it so dishonesty is counter productive
Nah, he was supportive. Sometimes if I had a bad day he would take me out to eat. We wouldn't really talk about things emotionally, mainly because I don't think he knew what to say. When I was in the 8th grade and starting to display serious anti social tendencies he tried to get closer to me although I was filled with such aversion for people and rage that I hated him for that.
ok, I see. yeah, doesn't sound very bad. you said >I have a pretty vivid memory of my father choking me one night when he got home drunk so I assumed he was an alcoholic. but after you explained why he choked you, indeed it can be just bad temper. he seems like a decent person at heart, just somewhat not perfect as dad. probably because of his rough childhood, he similarly developed anger/bad habits and trouble establishing close connections, but even then he seems to be working on this which is again a sign of good conscience.
so from the looks of it, while you might want to account for him not being "fatherly" enough (as in you say, not teaching you some necessarily life skills), it might not contribute much to trauma. so i suppose the most logical explanation for your violent thoughts is just constant intense repressed anger. I think I read somewhere that these violent desires commonly occur during anger/rage in perfectly normal people, so it's absolutely not a sign of psychopathy if these only occur when angry. if you think of it, non-borderline people do similar things in times of desperation—for example, after a break up, or a fight, or getting fired. they get an uncontrollable urge to drink, do drugs, sometimes self-harm, maybe even think of suicide, do other reckless activities like reckless spending. and of course, break furniture, and if completely devastated, beat other people. you just seem to be in this state constantly, which is not surprising considering all you have been through because of your mother. but to make things worse, you were also led to believe by your mother that she was innocent and even a victim in all this. so I guess deep inside you also feel not just hurt, but extremely betrayed.
to add to this, psychopathy is not primarily about violent tendencies per se (for example, psycho women aren't very violent, just emotionally abusive/manipulative). it's mostly about the mindset. psychopaths literally see people as _things_. something to be used in their interest and discarded, like cattle, whose feelings are of no concern (unless they suit their needs). the violence for a psychopath is more like squatting an irritating fly, or just a personal gain. it's hyper-selfishness and lack of conscience first and foremost, and violence is just a consequence of it. without this trait, you don't have a psychopath. all in all I'm pretty sure now what you have isn't psychopathy. it's just extreme anger associated with borderline that you feel. yes, it might overflow you, which you need to work on. but this isn't psychopathy per se.
so with that said, I suggest some points to start tackling your problem. first, there's a quick one, you can read this article FYI: psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-human-equation/201307/the-psychopathic-mother . a relatable quote from it, btw: "consider the response of a psychopathic mother, who had married a known sex offender even though, at the time, she had a five-year-old child. When the child finally told her mother that her stepfather had raped her, her only response was, “Why didn’t you tell me at the divorce settlement so we could have gotten more money out of him?”" second, I am currently read a book called Psychopath Free and recommend you do too (you can get a free dl on libgen.is). it seems to be one of the most recommended books to victims of psychopaths, and helps recover from psychopathic abuse. so far it's pretty spot on. if anything, it will help you confirm feelings which you might have carried for a long time, which is beneficial to start healing this feeling denial trauma. it's important because psychopaths often make you question your own sanity. third. I suggest you read the wikipedia article on borderline if you haven't yet, and maybe read a book for people recovering from it. if you can find a good counselor, go for it. if nothing else, it will help you be more self-aware of your patterns. when you're aware of it, it becomes easier to keep under control, or avoid triggers. and as I mentioned, managing feelings is key here, this is what borderline is all about.
fourth, and last. while you didn't explicitly state it, I get a feeling that you carry guilt and shame for you current condition and some social failures. but I'd like to ensure you that likely, you did what you could. your overmedication was beyond your control. your harmful urges were beyond your control. likely, when you finally had control over something, your personal decisions weren't bad in the context, especially for someone young and isolated facing these extreme problems, which few if any grownups can handle. so don't beat yourself that you didn't fit in, missed social cues or "missed the bus". someone else in your shoes might have been broken long ago. and these social things are actually far easier and quicker to acquire than most imagine. likely, you aren't socially inept as you might see yourself, and without pain you'd fit in in a second. so it's no question that you can recover, it can be hard and it can be long but it's absolutely doable.
Yeah, he want an alcoholic he just worked in a lot of bars and would occasionally drink after work. Not in excessive amounts, my mother actually had more of an issue with that.