How do you become charismatic? All my life I've preferred being alone...

How do you become charismatic? All my life I've preferred being alone, and it's ruined pretty much every relationship in my life. I'm 27, and I'd like to find a GF and a group of friends, but people can pick up on my quiet and solitary nature almost instantly, and it always drives them off. Should I just accept my fate and live alone in the woods til death?

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start using cocaine

do you know why you are this way? how has your childhood been? has everything been good in your family?

I was left alone a lot as a child. I developed a very heavy reliance on being out in the woods to cope.

Yeah, people can pick up on that and it's usually because you show you're anxious when they try talking to you. Your only solution is to try to find people of a similar nature to your own or find people that are a little more tolerant of quiet people. The only problem with that is they can be a little too sympathetic and you might think they feel sorry for you. It depends, but good luck with that OP.


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observe the actions of what charismatic people do and copy them. Look up some videos for this.

You can also start off by portraying more open body language. I bet you cross your arms, look away from people, and shrink yourself when talking to people. Don't do that if you want to be charismatic.

it is indeed pretty clear why you developed this kind of character. individuals like you sometimes develop schizotypal/schizoid disorder and quite literally feel they do not exist because of their traumatic childhood.
>Schizoid personality disorder (/ˈskJtsɔJd, ˈskJdzɔJd/, often abbreviated as SPD or SzPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment and apathy. Affected individuals may be unable to form intimate attachments to others and simultaneously possess a rich and elaborate but exclusively internal fantasy world.[6][12] Other associated features include … feeling as though one is an "observer" rather than a participant in life, … apparent indifference when praised or criticized, a degree of asexuality … Symptoms typically start in late childhood or adolescence.
sounds kinda like you. I suggest therapy or self help.

It's not enough to do that though unless you want to pretend to be cool. Charisma is usually tied to confidence and if you lack that there's not much you can do but fake it.

Most of those hit the mark, except asexuality, I really enjoy a woman's company. Guess I should hit the psychologist and see what they think.

Maybe but I think it has more to do with the person being incapable or just not wanting to do these things. There are people that want to but can't bring themselves to do it for other reasons like traumas or anxiety.

Im quite aware of the problems, characteristics, and behaviors, and they are coupled with a very known depressive state. I literally cannot force myself to be excited for things in life, or to fake being interested in interpersonal relationships, as I see it. I'm wondering if there's anything besides drug dependence that can help to give me back my life.

I know how it feels, and yes if you don’t change your ways to break out of your comfort zone you’ll stay alone.
Communication is how every relationship works, without it you’re fucked.

How long have you been like this?

Probably 8 years

lmao first thing that popped in my head after reading the OP

Life eternal

>All my life I've preferred being alone
>I'd like to find a GF and a group of friends
What do you actually want?

What I stated I'd like. I prefer being alone, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it.

Then chances are you just don't feel comfortable being around people. There's a reason for this, you don't sound like you're autistic though you might be. I think you've been isolated long enough to become detached from society.

Guess I just need to be a part of something to recondition myself then, because right now things are looking bleak. My last gf left me because I was so detached, angry and unpredictable.

So you want to be with people but ____ makes you want to recede into a corner

you're supposed to fill in the blanks here OP

this is indeed a paradox but it's actually characteristic of schizophrenia
you can see this here's_profile .
overt characteristics:
>have few close friends
>impervious to others' emotions
>afraid of intimacy
covert characteristics:
>exquisitely sensitive
>deeply curious about others
>hungry for love
>envious of others' spontaneity
>intensely needy of involvement with others

yeah but a lot of people want contradictory things, this is so broad of a diagnosis that it's not worth looking into before you try to figure what it is that's tearing you into going for two seemingly opposite things, you sometimes just have to muster the courage to be naked honest with yourself and your deep subconscious desires to figure out the problem

Yeah you sound like me, I wouldn't say unpredictable more like sensitive to stimulus. Rub me the wrong way and you set the ball rolling for me to feel discomfort around you.

>Exquisitely sensitive
Wish it wasn't that way. The overt and covert characteristics you listed are right on the money, but I'm *aware* of them being abnormal, which is uncharacteristic of schizoid behavior, I read.

fill in the fucking blanks dude I'm waiting to help

>Although there is the belief people with schizoid personality disorder are complacent and unaware of their feelings, many recognize their differences from others. Some individuals with SPD who are in treatment say "life passes them by" or they feel like living inside of a shell; they see themselves as "missing the bus" and speak of observing life from a distance.

Being hurt by others, dude. There, I'm terrified of people taking what kindness I give them and rejecting it and shitting on me. It's happened so many times in my life and it hurt.

Well that nails it. Anxiety and depression runs in my family, but everyone else in my family has kids and a good job whilst I'm wondering what to do. My father told me to stop worrying about others and just focus on my goals, and that really did help. If you wake up and say, "fuck I'm 27, I only have an associates, I don't have a home," you have to shrug it off and just focus on your short term goals to make long term happen.

You can kind of tell when people are going to do that. I always tell by the way people speak to me, some of them will make genuine attempts to go beyond the surface. They can see how you tick.

>My father told me to stop worrying about others and just focus on my goals, and that really did help.
you know what, I'll just say it straight: I don't believe "top down" approach works. I mean, I don't believe in just changing your present behavior, without changing the underlying cause. I think you can't just "fake it until you make it", because deep inside part of you don't even want it. I don't believe in this "force create a new persona and train new habits to fit in".
I believe in bottom up approach. start from the very bottom: your trauma. where and why it all started. understand it. process it. recover. then it will come naturally.
you know the only thing that prevents you is your fear of intimacy. is it something logical? is it something you just didn't "train"? no, of course not, otherwise you'd get over it long ago. it's deeper than logic, and it's deeper than just something you can say "fuck it, get over it" to. so with all due respect, all this advice in the vein of "just talk more" is of little use. you need deeper approach.
in fact, btw,
>When someone violates the personal space of an individual with SPD, it suffocates them and they must free themselves to be independent. People who have SPD tend to be happiest when in relationships in which their partner places few emotional or intimate demands on them and doesn't expect phatic or social niceties.
do you find this relatable?
>Anxiety and depression runs in my family
it might not necessarily be hereditary, or only to an extent.
>My father
so he was present? how did that happen that you were left alone and in the woods? what about your mother?

Say what you stop yourself from saying but do so with a smile. Master this and you're golden.

Heavy eye contact. Have eyes that look anywhere between seducing and judging someone's worth. I always like to think of hitler. His eyes are a fine example of 'seeing' what honouristic attributes someone portays.

Not saying i'm a hitler fanboy. But the man has a strong gaze that turns every pitbull into a puppy. They feel reviewed, and in return they'll show you their vulnerable side, which you can easily connect with. They'll be longing for your approval.

RIP Per Ohlin.

I'm a Hitler fanboy. Nothing wrong with that brother.

Go to social gatherings or if you have a job start practicing. Start practicing at some social gatherings like hobby clubs, religious gatherings, and coworkers. Start talking to them. Ask them questions. Ask them questions about themselves. Ask them questions about the job you both share. Keep it up and eventually you will become a charismatic smartass with an answer to everything. It will take time. I used to be like you and definintely an SPD. I'm now one of the most entertaining coworkers and most confident coworkers where I'm at. I can manipulate customers to my will now. That was not possible 6+ years ago. Just practice you will develop gradually over time.

When you're speaking with someone, slow down. Sometimes those who are more anxious and less confident seem gittery, rushed, avoidant, etc. and people pick up on this and see you as socially inferior and therefore less worthwhile. It's better to say less than you think and if they're interested they will probe for more information. Again, slow down, smooth out your edges.

Tips off the top of my head:

> Do things with intention and purpose rather than impetuously
> Lean back
> Stand up straight
> Don't always look to others for clues on what to do in the moment as it makes you seem directionless and unconfident
> Smile more
> Look up more
> Take up more space where you are, don't be obnoxious about it, but it makes you feel and seem important and relaxed
> Make every environment your home, make it your space
> Learn to feel calm quickly
> Practice deep breathing and the 4-7-8 technique to avoid hyperventilating and raising your nerves
> Bring a snack if you can somewhere, people perceive those eating as more relaxed and you'll feel that too
> Bring snacks to share, people like food
> To lead a conversation, look at the space in between and slightly above a person's eyes
> To let the other person open up, look to the space a little below the middle of their eyes
> Always light up and smile big when you're greeting someone, make them feel important
> Use a person's name more in conversation with them, seems more personable
> In crowded events, make it seem like you're having more fun so others gravitate towards you

What kind of questions do you ask? How do you ask them?

That last one is a big one. I am still definitely a shy introvert, but in the past few years when going out, I've tried to just blend into the fun of whatever is going on. I go to a lot of music shows, I used to be that guy in the back just kinda leaning on the wall sipping my beer, not doing much else. I started trying to get into the dance floor/mosh pit/whatever kinda "social" response most people were having to the music, and I've found as I've done that more consistently, I've more often than not struck up conversations with people between sets or after the show, just from having been in the same place having a comparable experience. People like synchronicity, even if it's subtle or unconscious to them. They see you out in a public space having what looks to be a relatable experience, it gives them the confidence to feel like you can connect, if even just talking about the moment at hand.

Just don't forget, more people out there are in the same boat than you realize, and often times the anxieties you are feeling are all around the room. You've just gotta be confident that the energy you project will attract the people you need in the moment. It's hard, but once you start consistently working on it, you'll be surprised how often you become the cool, charismatic person that others want to approach and get to know. Heck, I'm still 100% awkward when people actually talk to me, but just making that first impression that you are someone who can get loose and feel comfortable, even if it isn't all the time, makes so much of a difference compared to just wearing your awkwardness or insecurities on your sleeves.