Gf of 2 years surprised me with a new tattoo and I'm not cool with it

Nope. I'm a 30 year old man. I've actually gone through something very similar with a girl who decided to take a job that I really thought wasn't great for her. She would of had to move a few hours away and I was really pissed that she would accept the position knowing that I wouldn't get to see her as much and my comfort would be sacrificed. After a lot of time being angry and resentful at her for what I felt was choosing this job over my happiness I came to the realization that my frustration was ill placed. At the end of the day its a selfish thing to ask someone to sacrifice feeling good about the way they view themselves and their lives so that you can feel good about the way you view them. Everyone has to look in the mirror and live with themselves. They have to shoulder that burden, not their parents or their lovers or their friends. Just them. It sucks when people you care about prioritize their own happiness and senses of self over you and your feelings but they have every right to do that and the responsibility is ultimately on you to either learn to live with it or part ways.

your reasoning works but when you are in a relationship there's also a common playing field.

when you are single you can do what you want and that's it, but when you are in a committed relationship you have to think about the other person too (not only) if you want things to work out.

your girl did put her happiness before the relationship, meaning she decided to stab it and there's no way around it.

and don't kid yourself, if somebody decides to change the status quo of a relationship, the other part feels the blowback and there's no way around it.

so yeah, relationships have a selfish component too and it's perfectly fine, after all you don't get into a relationship for pure altruism.

>your girl did put her happiness before the relationship, meaning she decided to stab it and there's no way around it.
Again, the perception that my partner doing something to prioritize her own life, happiness and sense of self over me is something she is doing to me is false. She didn't do it to hurt me. She did it because she knew it was something she wanted to do.

Maybe she was kidding herself in a certain sense - maybe she thought I've be okay with it after enough time. Maybe she thought that she could have this job and the relationship and balance both. The truth of the matter is that if she wouldn't of taken the job just to spare my feelings she most likely would of grown resentful of me and that resentment would of killed the relationship sooner or later. That's the price you pay when you sacrifice parts of your own autonomy to satisfy your partner.

>and don't kid yourself, if somebody decides to change the status quo of a relationship
But she didn't change her relationship. She made a personal decision about her own life that she felt was very important. The relationship was a side effect but asking someone to 100% prioritize their relationship over themselves is a dangerous slope. Yes, it sucked for me, but she wasn't the bad guy. She did what she felt she had to do for herself and it put me in an uncomfortable situation but she has no obligation to stifle her own life just so I stay comfortable. I'm not blaming OP for being angry or resentful or reacting negatively. Its a natural reaction. However, its on him to decide what he wants to do from here without making her the target of his anger. She had every right to make the decision and now he has every right to make his.

>you are seeing it as a breach of trust since you've previously said that you disliked tattoos?
Correct, and her behavior overall seems extremely bizarre to me because we've talked MANY times about her getting a tattoo on her other thigh. For something like this to come out of nowhere is just weird. She even said she thought I would be excited.

I'm not sure I agree. She may not be legally or contractually obligated to tell me, but she should have told me regardless. You don't get to just do whatever you want in a relationship. I don't think it's as black and white as "accept it or leave" like you make it out to be. Ultimately the decision is up to her but that doesn't mean I don't get any input.

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>The relationship was a side effect but asking someone to 100% prioritize their relationship over themselves is a dangerous slope.

of course, too much of any thing is a bad thing.
0% concern is also a bad thing too.

OP's gf showed zero concern and got a tattoo anyway, that's directly damaging the relationship because she cut him out from the discussion on how he's feeling about this thing, she presented him a "it's my way or the highway" situation which might be akin to a power dynamic or an ultimatum, which are both bad moves in a relationship.

yes, in relationships there' s a share of the body which is also playing field and changes in that can lead to the dissolution of the relationship.

>I don't think it's as black and white as "accept it or leave" like you make it out to be.
I mean, what is the alternative then? Either your relationship can survive this or it can't.

>Ultimately the decision is up to her but that doesn't mean I don't get any input.

It does though. Its her body. If she wants to heed your input she's entitled to do so. If she doesn't want to she has no obligation to.

I'm not clear on whether or not you told her in the past that you didn't like tattoos. If you never told her that you don't like tattoos then you REALLY don't have any room to talk because she had no indication that she needed to clear this decision about her body with you before she did it.

However, if you did tell her you didn't like tattoos before the issue isn't that you didn't get an input, the issue is that you gave her your input and she decided that she didn't want to heed it. I can understand feeling sour about that but like you said from the beginning, that's her decision.

>I don't think it's as black and white as "accept it or leave" like you make it out to be
It typically is, unfortunately. Maybe certain things about her body and life she's willing to negotiate on - that's perfectly fine, but obviously there are certain things she isn't willing to negotiate on and she has a right to do that too. It may not feel good for someone to choose something over their relationship but that doesn't negate their right to do so. Yeah it sucks. Its essentially a rejection. Being angry is a natural reaction. However everyone is the master of their own body and their own life and if they feel strongly enough about something that it may jeopordize their relationship they have the right to do it.

Pt 2
I can accept it but not abide by it. That definition just feels overly simplistic to me.

I think this might be symptomatic of us being long distance right now. I'm not involved in her day to day life so she makes decisions without me now. I really just want to see her again and talk to her face to face. It's been 4 months.

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>I can accept it but not abide by it. That definition just feels overly simplistic to me.
Like I said, what is the alternative in your mind then?

Actually, you do. Functioning human adults are capable of maintaining relationships because they realize that if you're in a relationship where you disagree constantly, you're in the wrong one.

>yes, in relationships there' s a share of the body
Mmmm, no. If you're willing to make certain concessions about your body to your partner then that's up to you. If you aren't willing to make certain concessions then that's up to you too. For example - I'm willing to trim my pubic hair because my partner likes it. I'm not willing to shave my head bald because my partner likes it. I'm 100% entitled to make both decisions concerning my body.

>OP's gf showed zero concern and got a tattoo anyway
She's completely entitled to make that decision and he's completely entitled to decide he can't live with it.

>she presented him a "it's my way or the highway" situation
You are 100% entitled to make "its my way or the highway" decisions about your own body.

Sounds like she doesn't respect you.

As many others have said, she can do whatever she likes with her own body at the end of the day. BUT, you are in a relationship, and that gives you a certain right to expect her to also consider your feelings on the matter. In this scenario, she knew that you didn't like it yet did it anyway because she felt like it. That's a breach of trust. And a fairly permanent one too.

What is clear is that she will never be the woman you want her to be. In my opinion she will never the woman anyone wants her to be since I have yet to meet a man that enjoys fickle and untrustworthy women for more than a night.

You have to figure out if her upsides are worth this, because it will keep happening.

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dude, not to be a prick, but why are you so angry?

relationships and human interactions (outside of work) don't work like the legal system and if somebody has ever done that to you, it was a dick move.

Try being in a relationship before giving advice on them

>prefaces saying she can do as she pleases to her body and that’s okay
>showers praise on her and say you don’t like it
She knows you don’t like it and your still showing her your fucking belly. This is a plea for you to show her your balls, she doesn’t give a fuck about how you feel. Leave her, you’re not important to her and she shouldn’t be important to you anymore.

This is the first time something like this has happened. She's basically a saint in every other aspect. She was a virgin when we met (trust me, I had to break the seal), is extremely open and honest about all other things, and overall a very good person. This behavior is not like her at all and has left me completely bewildered.

>dude, not to be a prick, but why are you so angry?
"y u so mad bro?" isn't an argument. It has nothing to do with anger and trying to portray me as being angry doesn't really have anything to do with the base concepts I've put forward. You have a right to make any decision you want about your body. You're entitled to want as much or as little input about those decisions as you'd like. Its just really that simple. I've said several times I understand OP being upset about it. I don't blame him for that but I've been consistent about the fact that nobody is to blame. He gave his input, she gave her input and at the end of the day they're obviously incompatible on this topic. It happens all the time.

>relationships and human interactions (outside of work) don't work like the legal system
It has nothing to do with the legal system. You have a right to complete autonomy over your own body. If that autonomy disrupts your relationships then either party is more than entitled to part ways and find a relationship that better suits their needs.

Dump her OP.

White girls or any "western" woman with a tattoo is a sure-tell sign she had slept with a black guy or a person of a certain ethnicity that is far beyond what people like her would consider "ideal mates." It's really weird, its almost like a permanent scar they put on their body to signal to others who they really are.

I suggest to run and never think twice. You'll thank me later. Take a trip through Tinder and you'll find a bunch of these women- won't be surprised if you see yours there. They don't like their culture and tradition so they do anything to convey that they are different.

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Pt 3
Sorry I'm not le redpill enough for you bro

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Why is a kissless virgin teenager like you trying to give advice on sex and relationships?

I was honestly asking and was concerned about anger, but ok.

>You have a right to complete autonomy over your own body. If that autonomy disrupts your relationships then either party is more than entitled to part ways and find a relationship that better suits their needs.

dude it's a legal argument.
in relationships boundaries are not so neatly defined because emotions do actually play a role, that's why breakups and fights happen.

but hey, it's opinions.

Oh boy. She seems immature if she ghosts you after this

>White girls or any "western" woman with a tattoo is a sure-tell sign she had slept with a black guy

Hard yikes, autist.

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Don't say I didn't warn you OP. Tattoos or hair-color that isn't the acceptable norm. Green hair, light blue, etc. Tattoos. Dark lipstick.

Are like the signals for black men. Trust. She's become a used up roastie while she was away from you. Unless you like sloppy seconds, run. Don't delude yourself.

LOL

>dude it's a legal argument.
How is you having the right to make decisions about your own body a legal argument? I'm confused.

Final part. This is where she started ghosting me. Reading closer it seems like I was not clear enough about my dislikes of tattoos and she thought it would be no big deal

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yeah, long short story she's telling you because that would be "I am communicating, so I am doing my part and you can't say anything about my body because it's my body bla bla"

This is not gonna end well, it's clear you don't like both the tattoo and her attitude towards this and she won't like you not liking her decision.

rights are an inherent legal framework.

as I said, in relationships there are feelings too, if you have to use semi legal arguments then there's a serious issue going on.

Well OP, seems like there was actually no way for your GF to win in this case except for her to literally abide by your preferences no matter what.

She brought it up to you, told you what she was doing, communicated about what she was thinking of doing and what she did, and it still wasn't good enough for you so yeah if you just need to be in a relationship with someone who will always just defer to your preferences no matter what or you'll feel "betrayed," this is not the relationship for you.

>rights are an inherent legal framework.
>as I said, in relationships there are feelings too
I really don't know what you're talking about. Legal frameworks have nothing to do with the conversation. If your partner wants you to shave your entire body because they find it sexually appealing you have every right to refuse. If your partner wants to try anal sex you have every right to refuse. If your partner hates your nostril piercing and never wants to see it again you have every right to refuse. Its your body. Its your decision. Legalities have literally nothing to do with this. Feeling very strongly about what you want your partner's body to look like also has nothing to do with it. You're allowed to feel strongly about it and they're allowed to have complete say so about what goes on in or on their body. It really couldn't be simpler.

in a legal context enforcing your rights has no negative consequence for your side, in relationships it is not the case.

also because the definition of "my body my everything" is selfish at best.

sure, you can do whatever you want with your body, but you mustn't kid yourself that you can do it with impunity.

should you consider the feelings and desires of the other person when dealing with your body?
sometimes yes, sometimes not, there is not an hardcore line like in a legal framework, that's what I was saying.

she got a tattoo on her body, does she have the freedom to do it since it's her body?
yes.
did she know that her partner wasn't agreeing with the idea of her getting tattooed?
yes, she did.
did she ignore the fact that any change in the relationship should be discussed, expecially if that can impact the feelings of the partner?
yes she did.
did she act like she fell from the clouds and tried to play the "well suck it up"
yes, she did.
did she put the relationship in an uncomfortable state because she was selfish?
yes, absolutely.
does OP risk putting the relationship in even more uncomfortable waters since he's angry because he's been cut out?
yes.

as I said before, this is not gonna end well in the way it's developing.

Based OP not letting her walk all over him.

But she told him after the fact. She told him about a potential different tatoo she might get but not this one. javascript:;

>also because the definition of "my body my everything" is selfish at best.
Absolutely. You're 100% entitled to be selfish about the things you want to do with your own body.

>sure, you can do whatever you want with your body, but you mustn't kid yourself that you can do it with impunity.
I never said that. The side-effect of her decision was the possibility of upsetting her partner and she decided that her personal decision to get a tattoo was worth that risk.

>sometimes yes, sometimes not, there is not an hardcore line like in a legal framework, that's what I was saying.
I said essentially the same thing. If OP's girlfriend wanted to heed his input and discuss the tattoo with him that would've been fine. Not discussing it with him and doing what she wants is also fine. This "legal framework" comparison you're making doesn't hold any water, user.

>did she know that her partner wasn't agreeing with the idea of her getting tattooed?
I didn't read anywhere that he discussed it with her before hand.

>did she ignore the fact that any change in the relationship should be discussed, expecially if that can impact the feelings of the partner?
I don't see how she ignored it. If what you said was true and she knew before hand he didn't like tattoos its more like she purposefully made the decision to prioritize her autonomy of her own body over her partner's input on it.

>did she act like she fell from the clouds and tried to play the "well suck it up"
>did she put the relationship in an uncomfortable state because she was selfish?
Well now you're just inserting narratives to justify your position. You're trying to denigrate her and portray her as selfish and conceited to make sense of this confusing legal comparison you're making.

>as I said before, this is not gonna end well in the way it's developing.
I don't disagree

yes, OP said that they previously discussed the issue of tattooing as stated here

>She arranged all this behind my back, then texted me asking how I'd feel about a calf tattoo and acted completely shocked when I said I'd hate it, even though we've talked about it in the past. Then she basically said well too bad I got one anyway.

and he clearly expressed his negative opinion on the matter, what's I said that

>did she act like she fell from the clouds and tried to play the "well suck it up"
>did she put the relationship in an uncomfortable state because she was selfish?

because that's what she did.

I understand you playing the devil's advocate, but let's be honest , what did she think would have happened?

I'm not spinning any narratives here

She didn't tell me until after the fact, that's not exactly what I call open. By doing this she completely changed the status quo of our entire relationship. We have made decisions as a team since day one. After this I wonder what else she's going to take it upon herself to do. Is she going to squeeze the sperm out of my condom because "it's her body and she's ready to have kids"? Is she going to hand me the divorce papers without trying therapy if she decides she's not happy? Is she going to steal my children because she knows best?

It's not about the tattoo. She violated a base level of trust that has been present between us since the beginning.

>because that's what she did.
>I'm not spinning any narratives here
You definitely are. You're purposefully interpreting a lot of condescension and pretentiousness that isn't there because you want her to look like a bad, selfish person. This negative perception of her supports your narrative that she's being selfish and cruel about it when we don't actually have any evidence to indicate that. It isn't bizarre that OP, in his anger, is telling this story in a manner that makes him seem like an unwitting victim and that her plot to get a tattoo was some kind of targeted attack on him. I understand his feelings about it but like I said, you're just making shit up.

>I understand you playing the devil's advocate, but let's be honest , what did she think would have happened?
I'm not playing devil's advocate, I'm just acknowledging reality. If my girlfriend came home with a giant face tattoo I'd be livid. I'd be so upset because she decided to do something that changed my perception of her and my relationship with her has given me a certain sense of ownership over that perception and the sense that my wants and needs should play a significant role in these kinds of decisions. While my anger about the sudden alteration of this relationship is definitely warranted I would also, at some point, have to admit that this decision is and always was hers. I'd be sad that I had to end the relationship. I'd be sad that her getting a face tattoo was worth risking my happiness to her but I would have no choice but to respect her autonomy because, ultimately, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels like they have to sacrifice their sense of self to appease me. The resentment that kind of relationship builds is toxic. What she did was big and it affected her relationship, yeah, but she had every right to make it. Now OP has every right to weigh his options and do whats best for him.

>Is she going to squeeze the sperm out of my condom because "it's her body and she's ready to have kids"? Is she going to hand me the divorce papers without trying therapy if she decides she's not happy? Is she going to steal my children because she knows best?

I'm a little bit with you, OP, but these are really stupid comparisons.

Based on the conversation you posted, I think you are seriously overreacting and being quite histrionic in those comparisons.

Your gf sounds pretty reasonable. She's not a psychopath just because she did something to her own appearance you disagree with.

>It isn't bizarre that OP, in his anger, is telling this story in a manner that makes him seem like an unwitting victim and that her plot to get a tattoo was some kind of targeted attack on him.

but he is not doing that, he said that she didn't discuss this thing with him beforehand even if she perfectly knew that he had an issue with tattooes.
that made him angry and resentful because her behaviour was selfish and inconsiderate.

also she's ghosting him now, refusing to address the issue just because she's away.
if she were close to the OP the equivalent would be leaving the room when the issue that's being discussed does not suit you anymore, that's a dick move.

so again, I really don't feel I am spinning or misrepresenting anybody here.

Yeah, you're a dick dude. Your girlfriend seems like a fairly reasonable person and every time she says something you just twist it to make it seem like she's attacking you when she is so clearly trying to communicate you that she respects your opinion but also values getting tattoos and doesn't want to give them up. The fact that you would tell her that her showing her tattoos "takes a part of her away" communicates that you have no business being with this girl. If tattoos disgusted you this much you should've never dated her to begin with. The fact that she got another tattoo is beyond unsurprising and you're acting like a little bitch about it.

>but he is not doing that
Yes he is. He keeps repeating that she "violated his trust" and agrees with anons that claim she has no respect for him and doesn't care about his opinion. In the screenshots he posted she states a few times that she didn't know he felt that strongly about it but he can't stop feeling attacked long enough to respond to her in any kind of calm or constructive manner. He's acting like a baby and you're enabling it because you don't have any kind of legitimate basis to argue that her getting a tattoo on her own body that makes her look good is a targeted attack against OP. Your argument could easily be flipped around - she knew he didn't care for tattoos yet he also knew she liked tattoos. He made the conscious effort to date someone who had tattoos even though he hates them and still acts like an outraged child when she *gasp* gets another tattoo. What did he think, that she was just going to stop getting and liking tattoos because he popped in her life? Your argument just doesn't make any sense to me, user.

I was making a point about communication and, tangentially, boundaries.

aside from that, it is clear that the tattoo issue is just smokes and mirrors to not address the true elephant in the room, the fact that her being away from him makes him insecure and he sees a sudden variation as an alarm bell for something more important and potentially damaging.

Please give an example of how you would have responded if you were in my shoes. How can I express disapproval without "acting like a baby"?
So I'm not allowed to have any opinions or discourse on this? I'm just supposed to roll over and say good job honey?

Are you sure that you didn't tell her clearly? Because this is a very typical call to moderation on her part. "I didn't know it was a big deal" etc when she might well understand perfectly well your stance but she didn't care.

>Please give an example of how you would have responded if you were in my shoes. How can I express disapproval without "acting like a baby"?
not him but
>kek, seriously? can't wait to see how uggo it is :P
>you got another tat? better be my name/face hehe

it makes her feel sexy and good about herself do you seriously not want your gf to feel sexy? that means better sex for you you fucking idiot.
the way to respond is to not be a fucking faggot. i thought you liked this girl are you seriously getting this fucking bent out of shape about a cosmetic blemish on the back of her damn leg that makes her be in a good mood?

god.

>She can do what she wants to her body but I'm feeling like doing what she did without telling me in advance is not okay and sets a bad precedence in our relationship where she can get away with whatever she wants
I had a similar experience, user. I was dating this girl long-distance and she got a tattoo without telling me, and I felt really bad about that. Differently from you I actually like tattoos and I even have some, and I had no problem with the tattoo itself, but getting a tattoo without telling your gf/bf is REALLY weird IMO

At the time that happened, we were already becoming distant from each other (not only physically but emotionally/romantically), and her making a tattoo without telling me was really one of the last straws that broke us up. I found out just a little bit after but because she posted on Facebook after getting it...

There were other issues on our relationship, but I think that to me was a clear sign we were already too far apart. I broke up with her very shortly after. Also, I think there was a good chance she was already with somebody else by the time we broke up (though I never bothered finding out)

So that is my stand. If your GF got a tattoo without even telling you, you guys are already too far apart. I strongly suggesting breaking up. I can't really jump into more detailed conclusion, but it really sounds like she was not really committed to the relationship while gone

>Am I the asshole here?
For not liking her tattoos, yes. For being mad she got one without telling you, no. It goes without saying that you should tell your bf/gf before getting ink permanently inserted on your body skin

pic barely related: I'm considering getting that tattoo

PS: I'm also struggling with some distance stuff as well, if you could give your thoughts about my situation I would appreciate that:

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holy autism
no wonder she ghosted you after this sperg out

Kek looking for a girl at church good luck they've sucked off most of the worship team and staff.

Nothing wrong with having tattoos the problem is with feminists and immature women. Pick a better girl next time retard.
Not if there full color faggot. You just sound like your afraid of them bigot.
You aren't married you don't you get to dictate what choice she has and doesn't have mabye if you married sure. Really I have a tattoo and I'm still a virgin so fuck you op.

It's her body. Just like if she aborts his kid. It's her choice.

>Coalition instead of phyrexian
Disgusting

Holy shit you sound like a little bitch. Break up wither already.
This guy fucks.

>It's her body. Just like if she aborts his kid. It's her choice
pic related

Fuck you, phyrexian scum. Coalition is freaking cool as shit. See below:
>it includes all colors
>is not super obvious to be about a nerd virgin game
>it is from the time I used to play the game
>it is cool the fact it used to show up on card's artwork
>it actually looks nice (it would be definitely my best-looking tattoo, though all the ones I currently have are exceptionally shit)

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