What does it feel like to be attracted to someone?

As a girl asking other girls: What does it feel like to be attracted to someone? Does it happen over time, or is it an immediate reaction? Do you feel it first on a physical level and later emotionally, or does the physical aspect develop after chemistry has been established?

I think I've had mild crushes on people before, but it's very rare and not a very strong emotion. Am I missing something, or am I just defective? Don't think I'm asexual since I feel a desire for romantic and sexual relationships, but I just have a failure to feel attracted towards people I meet. Is this something you've heard of or experienced?

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you will know when you know.
>>you see them you want to be with them and even just near them
>>hours feel like minutes when you are talking with them and time seems to stand still
>>a crush isnt the same as love.
>>and when you kiss you just want to kiss them again etc

Aspie female here. Attraction is also not a strong phenomenon for me. I have had moments of strong sexual desire but that happens very rarely and only ever when I've been high. I think some of us are less predisposed to sexual feelings or romantic feelings than others but that doesn't mean that we are any less likely to be in loving relationships

To me you feel it physically, you find yourself smiling, your heart beating, you want to hug something, you feel happy. And if you desire them sexually you might be turned on at the idea of the them but that isn't all you feel. You like them their soul as a person.

Not feeling this means you haven't met someone worth your attraction yet. It usually happens when you aren't expecting it.

>>a crush isnt the same as love.

I can't imagine this phenomenon happens immediately, though. How long does it take for this feeling to develop? One date? After knowing them for a month? Does it only happen after you've already become friends? Are there certain things you notice immediately about strangers that indicate a potential to become attracted to them, or that immediately disqualify them from your dating pool, even if those stronger emotions develop later?

I've wondered if I'm on the spectrum somewhere. My current therapist doesn't have much knowledge or experience with autism spectrum disorders, but she doesn't see many symptoms in me. What we do think I might have is avoidant personality disorder. I'm fairly high-functioning in social situations, but I spend most interactions feeling deeply uncomfortable and just trying to make them end more quickly, and I really only feel relaxed around people I have known for most of my life. The fast majority of people I meet seem irritating or boring, and the ones that are interesting are intimidating and presumably out of my league, since they never seem to show much interest in me. The few people who do seem charming and will give me the time of day are always, always, already in a committed relationship.

I've wondered if maybe my standards are too high, but I can't just make myself feel attracted to people I don't like because I want to widen my net. And the people I have developed 'crushes' on are appealing to me primarily for their attitude and sense of humor, with physical appearance maybe factory in about 30% of my interest. I feel strong sexual desire, but generally not for people I know or have met. Yet I still desire intimacy.



When I desire someone sexually I imagine myself in sexual situations with them a lot when I daydream, sometimes I ‘romantically’ like them too but not often.

I find it really hard to open myself enough to ‘fall in love’. When I do it’s like I want to hang around them all the time, chat to them, get to know them and let them know me. This only very happens when that person either shows some initial interest or we hit off on a really great conversation. 90% of the time I feel sexual attract too, but sometimes it’s just a really intense friend-love where I want to be their BFF forever and grow old together, bitch and banter about our spouses, and play bingo at the old people home together.

I’m bi though so it might be different for you.

*ever happens

This is my experience and mine alone, none of this means you’re defective.

I tend to like someone back in direct correlation with how much they like me. A platonic friend reveals a crush? Suddenly the next day I find myself staring at him and twirling my hair. Am I some kind of narcissist? Probably. But there’s nothing better than someone being creepily obsessed with you.

My most intense crush was someone I worked with. He was heavily obsessed with me- I mean masturbated-to-my-linkedin obsessed. And, well, I kind of went insane over him in turn. When he looked at me, my cheeks flushed. If I was in close proximity, I would get insanely aroused to the point that sometimes I’d have to sneak off to the bathroom. When he kissed me it felt like lightening struck me. It was fucking unreal.

This only very happens when that person either shows some initial interest or we hit off on a really great conversation.
>I tend to like someone back in direct correlation with how much they like me.

This is interesting, because I've always intuitively felt this too. I'm only interested in people who are interested in me, and nobody is so I'm not attracted to anyone.

I have this long-time friend, who has tried to make moves on me in the past, but I've never felt like he's actually into me so much as he wants a girlfriend and proximity makes me an easy choice. He doesn't flirt, tease, compliment, go out of his way for me, or really do any of the other behaviors I would think indicate attraction. Because I don't feel that he's attracted to me I don't feel attracted to him, even though I think he's physically attractive and he's got a lot of good qualities on paper. There's just no spark between us.

I don't think I've ever really experienced, or at least noticed, a person having a crush or flirting with me. Maybe I'm too unnoticeable, maybe I'm missing it, or maybe I'm just subconsciously giving off too many signals that say "go away" that people give up from the get go? Is it possible that nobody has ever felt attracted to me? I don't think I'm that ugly or obnoxious.

>I’m bi though so it might be different for you.
There's a reason I have been avoiding pronouns. I used to think I was straight as an arrow because I wasn't attracted to women, but now that I realize I don't really feel attracted to men either it's made me reconsider things. I think women are attractIVE, it's not difficult for me to incorporate them into my sexual fantasies, and it's difficult for me to know if I would like a relationship dynamic with them since I've never been in a relationship at all. Sexuality is all just hypotheticals to me.

>t. Bianca from beyond the grave
lowkey same tho

>I don't think I've ever really experienced, or at least noticed, a person having a crush or flirting with me. Maybe I'm too unnoticeable, maybe I'm missing it, or maybe I'm just subconsciously giving off too many signals that say "go away" that people give up from the get go? Is it possible that nobody has ever felt attracted to me? I don't think I'm that ugly or obnoxious.
Honestly chica you sound hella ASD so it's probably a combination of you missing the signals and also you giving off the wrong signals subconsciously. Try hanging out with other aspies, they tend to be more direct and rely more on wjat you say rather than your subconscious demeanor

I have a lot of ticks and peculiarities that line up with ASD, but I actually think that I'm really good at reading people, which is why I agree with my therapist that it isn't really a great diagnostic fit. Being an outcast and a nerd I've spent most of my life in social circles with aspies, and I really can't tolerate being around them for long because their lack of social graces irritates me and they make me uncomfortable with their frankness. They can't read the air, and here I am doubling over backwards to seamlessly blend into the air, and that pisses me off. That, and they often don't have much of a sense of humor, no offense.

I think it's more likely that I am giving off signals that, correctly, tell people I'm uncomfortable in social interactions and that I would be a lot happier if they kindly fucked off. I've been trying to school myself to act more friendly and open, but I think it still probably reads as artificial. That, and I possibly also rationalize away evidence that people would be attracted to me because it conflicts with my own world view. But isn't it also kind of conceited to think people are falling for me just for existing? I don't think I've really done anything to earn anyone's interest. Is existing in the world all you have to do to attract people? Because that doesn't seem right.

A crush is fake. Once you get a real bf you'll understand. And you won't even have crushes anymore. You'll just get a new bf everytime your bored.

>You'll just get a new bf everytime your bored.
Those seem like they must be very shallow relationships if they are just motivated by boredom.

Could you possibly be demisexual/demiromantic? Demi people can only ever experience a sexual or romantic attraction to someone after they have already developed a close and personal bond.

Basically demi people can only ever be attracted to very close friends. They don't get celebrity crushes, they don't understand why you might use a dating app, they don't understand dating someone in order to get to know them to see if you might be compatible. The compatibility is a necessary precursor to any feelings of attraction whatsoever.

And no it's not just "not being loose", like a lot of people say. It's not that you are restraining yourself for personal or moral reasons. it's that you are incapable of attraction outside of that strong pre-established connection.

Also, experiencing the desire to be attracted to someone doesn't necessarily mean that you are actually having the attraction. It's entirely possible you are fully asexual or aromantic if you feel "I want to be attracted" instead of "I am attracted".

This is largely how I feel about my romantic feelings for others. In fact I think I have literally only once found someone sexually attractive without knowing them what so ever and I think it was just because he had a lot of physical qualities I tend to find appealing.

It's okay if only because you tend to be pretty sure things are gonna work before you start dating but also dating is a little more confusing then for your average person I imagine.

I highly doubt you’re undesirable and that’s the issue. You mentioned a friend just interested in you as a warm body and that not working for you- I’ve had a similar experience and it’s incredibly insulting and kind of worse than someone not being interested at all.

I saw you mention that maybe you’re into women and are unsure? This could be the key, coupled with semi-low self esteem. Homosexuality, ESPECIALLY lesbianism, is still highly repressed in society; regardless of all the sjw bullshit. This stuff can easily have subconscious effects on you, plus with your feeling that others are out of your league/you’re perhaps unnoticeable.

Just spitballing here. I applaud your introspection and trying to figure it out.

I've heard of demisexuality and graysexuality before, and something has never felt quite right to me about equating it to a sexual orientation like homosexuality or asexuality. The more caveats you put into an "identity" the more bullshit that identity becomes, imo. But if I were to lend credence to the idea, I would say it doesn't hold much water, since I've never fallen in love with a friend either. In fact, I did have a small crush on the friend I mentioned before a long time ago, and it went away once I got to know him better. There are a few celebrities I find attractive and charming, but I don't know if that qualifies a crush. My most intense crushes are always fictional.

As for that last part, it's not that I just want to be attracted to someone. I want to fall in love. I want to be intimate. I want to shoulder each other's burdens in difficult times. I want to laugh and be vulnerable. I want kinky sex and I want lazy sex and I want silly sex. I want to make them feel good and I want them to make me feel safe and desired. I want to miss them when they're gone. I want to be able to argue or be frank and then make up before bedtime. I want to grow old together. Gay people don't want these things with the opposite sex, even if they are sometime pressured into thinking they should. If I can desire these things while still being asexual or aromantic then that's a fat load of bullshit and I won't accept it.

Thank you, user. It was pretty insulting. Made me feel devalued as a person. I generally have a hard time trusting the intentions of men, and it didn't really help that a close friend behaved that way.

I don't know if I'm a lesbian, per se. I'm attracted to the idea of men. I find masculinity and the male form arousing and men can be charming and funny and generally easier to get along with than women. But a lot of the qualities I like in men I find even more enticing in women, and women just seem to understand things better at an emotional level. I'm probably somewhere on a bisexual spectrum.

It sounds kind of silly to say, but I've been a massive fujoshi my entire life. I recently read a fanfic written by a lesbian author who was clearly channeling her own experience with sexual confusion into one of the characters, and something about it really clicked with me. I thought liking gay male romance just meant I was double into men, but maybe if I've always indulged in gay romance to the complete exclusion of straight romance that says something about what I want in a relationship. But trying my luck with women seems like I'd be opening myself up for even more rejection and pain, since societal stigma and personal hangups would be thrown into the mix. Especially considering that the women I find attractive are always really cool and pretty and probably straight.

>>a crush is just that: infactuation with that person

I don't understand how it is easier for people to open up sexually than emotionally. Does it not disgust you that somebody you're not invested in emotionally would stare at your vagina and fondle it?

things develop how they develop. sometimes its days sometimes its months sometimes its years...
like the song says: you cant hurry love.
>>love has no timeline.

It's definitely a confusing thing to be told "you can desire something without experiencing it", and it seems very unintuitive, but they can be mutually exclusive. The best way I can describe it is comparing it to wanting to eat something because it's your favorite food and it's delicious and you want the taste, but not actually being hungry.

You want the experience of the thing, you want the love and sex and partnership, but that might not necessarily mean you experience the attraction.

A lot of asexual people can and do desire and have sex for a multitude of reasons, such as wanting closeness and intimacy. Not every asexual is sex-repulsed. Sex repulsion is not the qualifying indicator of asexuality, instead it simply the lack of "oh shit this person's hot I wanna bang that"

if this isn't what you experience then that's totally fine; don't allow anyone to tell you how you feel or shove you into a box. I just wanted to clarify that point, because that disrepancy can and does happen.

>only interested in people who show interest
Fuck, don't tell me it's that easy. Do you know the time I've wasted

What do you mean, user?

>Spend years trying to unlock the secret of the female psyche to get them to give you the time of day
>turns out the trick is just telling them that you like them