Please help me cope

I have been to A LOT of therapy, however, I cannot talk about the rape because I get flashbacks and almost immediately fall into self harm to get the images and tastes (I can recall the tastes and textures TO THIS DAY) out of my head.

The problem with my skin color is that my father is almost (almost black) and my mother is pale (very pale)

Because my older brother came out the same color as him, and I did not, even though my mother is pale, to him it meant that she made me with another white man.

He is uneducated, remember he didn't finish 4th or 6th grade, I don't remember. Basically because I'm white I'm not his, there is no way. DNA tests proved him wrong but he still denied and rejected me after that, claiming DNA tests can't be accurate.

I'm sorry I failed to detail why I was abused in school. My father made my older brother tell people about me much before I started kindergarden, therefore he had a shit ton of people ready to fuck me up for no reason. Kindergarden and I had already been scratched and bitten to the point of bleeding.

I also went to both of the worst schools known for out-of-control bullying in the entire region, so even when I reached high school, an even bigger amount of people were ready for me, and my brother conditioned people even a lot more.

Jesus fucking Christ man. I heard different stories but yours is the worst by far.
I'm 99% sure your father is a psychopath. did your therapist say he might be one? the way he manipulated people is telling. his hatred might be contempt for people in general.
sorry I don't know much about sexual trauma. I know though that victims can self-harm because it's the only way they feel safe.
also, which country are you from? was your school black?

I'm from Canada, black / dark / tan people are either rare of not the majority.

My father has PTSD from abuse that was even worse than mine, he got the shit beat out of him so bad that he twitches in fear while he sleeps. His step father tried to kill him multiple times since the age of 4 and he couldn't leave the house.

He is worse than a psycho, he is just his own thing in my opinion.

…I had no idea someone could be bullied so much in Canada of all places. and no one stood up for you?
it is clear why you get these issues. did your therapist sat that your rape and your fantasies are linked?
your father was indeed a monster. why wasn't he put in jail?

Nobody ever stood up for me, no. My own "friends" either turned on against me for more popular kids or school preps, some even watch me get beat up.

No therapist knows I have ever been raped, I do not want to ever tackle this subject with anyone, as in ever open that bottle, even if I mentioned it, I don't want to get into it anyway, so it'd be useless, besides, there was already plenty of other things to talk about besides that..

My father never went to jail, in fact my mother once called the cops on him and he drove TO THE COP who was coming towards our house, stopped him and convinced him that my mom was crazy and called for nothing. The cop turned around and left.

He is the world's greatest manipulator.

As for my fantasies, it's more me wishing I was something good, something beautiful or something I could love, not this ugly thing I am. That's why I love Katya so much, physically she's everything I could ever ask to be.

>No therapist knows I have ever been raped, I do not want to ever tackle this subject with anyone, as in ever open that bottle, even if I mentioned it, I don't want to get into it anyway, so it'd be useless, besides, there was already plenty of other things to talk about besides that..
I do understand you get intense uncontrolled fear about it. but a good therapist can be very understanding about this and make sure to cause minimal discomfort and avoid triggers to understand the problem.
>he drove TO THE COP who was coming towards our house, stopped him and convinced him that my mom was crazy and called for nothing
that's psychopath. everyone is crazy except for them. he must be in jail.
>As for my fantasies, it's more me wishing I was something good, something beautiful or something I could love, not this ugly thing I am.
your self-image has likely been distorted.
as children, we can't understand why things happen. if we get traumatized, or people hate us, we think that we're ugly and undesirable. and we internalize this forever.
but you know what the reality is. your father is a psychopath. he had no _reason_ to hurt you. he simply saw nothing wrong with that because he lacks conscience, he's almost literally a man with no soul. he thinks of people as things or objects, not living beings. when he called you names, it was his lies. you know how he lies.
chances are, you are not undesirable or ugly at all. you feel this only because of your trauma. it's just your unfulfilled desire to feel worthy and accepted. and maybe a desire to be a girl is connected to being hurt by a man at a young age, and internalizing that "men = evil".
what about rest of your family, mother? anyone? did they do anything to help?

Your dad is the one with the damn problem, not you. My niece is darker than me I'm Lilly white, but I love her like she was my own kid. Sometimes a soul must reincarnate to this earth, and damn what anyone else likes or dislikes about their appearance. Be a good soul know that you have worth. Do not ever allow others opinions of you to be important. Just he you and be comfortable with yourself.

>ood therapist can be very understanding about this and make sure to cause minimal discomfort and avoid triggers to understand the problem.

No one from the family knows about the rape except the one person who was raped at the same time as me.

My mom took me to therapy and did what she could to give me a good life (aka spoiled as if no end and provided the life style of a rich child)

If you remove all the problems I listed, I almost had a flawless life with no challenges.

To this point I just don't know what to do or how to move forward.

Not to be rude, but to me this comes as easier said than done. Also you mentioning reincarnation, I do believe it is the case with me, I know this isn't a spiritual thread but sometimes I felt that I went through this shit to save someone else having to.

Just in case this thread would die out, thank you to any and all anons who responded to me. You have been nice to me.

>No one from the family knows about the rape except the one person who was raped at the same time as me.
I understand how hard it is for you. but you should probably know that this is what psychopath wants. your father likely threatened you to remain silent. he preys on this. just like he escaped from police, his evil rests on people not hearing the victim.
I assume this is why he managed to abuse your mother and get away with it. did she ever ask for help?
I think you need to let at least someone know. a therapist or someone else. at least in total confidence. it might lift the fear from your shoulders. you need to feel support, that you're not alone and unheard.
>My mom took me to therapy and did what she could to give me a good life (aka spoiled as if no end and provided the life style of a rich child)
I must say this explains how you managed to survive through all this. but was your father still with you all that time? how did he and your mother stay together? could you do anything to go to a different school to avoid bullies?
you have been mistreated by exceptionally cruel people, and your insane father and brother manipulated them to make it worse.
but it might make you feel more worthy if you know that most people are not like this. for normal people, their conscience does never let them rape their own children. it is wired in their brains. but your father is not normal. he is an insane person. as a psychopath, he lacks this moral barrier. sadly this is what psychopathy is, it is born from evil and creates new evil. this is the case with most serial killers. they do evil because they have no moral "stop" sign. they are mentally ill and should be isolated from society.
normal, healthy people would never think you're bad, or worthless, or ugly. all of these thoughts are likely not even yours. they are just internalized, then confirmed by years of bullying.
talk to normal people, at least online. they won't hate you.

My mother was and is an absolute fighter, she won and solved political conflicts by HERSELF and created anti-corruption movements and helps the community to the point of exhaustion, she's sacrificed SO MUCH to keep me alive it's insane, once when my father wanted to beat me up she got between me and him and said "You god damn son of a bitch, if you think you can touch him you'll have to kill me first asshole!" I was about 2 or 3.

She has done great as a single mother (who then got married to a much better man) My mother took me and my brothers and ran from
our fucked up father.

My parents were split up early, but my father always tried to be this returning 'hero father' and because every child wants to have both parents, I'd go to my father's place.

I'd come back with bruises on my face and hand marks on my body, traumatized and hated like you can (or can't) imagine.

I had stress induced experienced and hallucinations as a child because of how absolutely terrified I was. Waking nightmares that I could not ignore because I physically felt those things, like schizophrenia-episodes if I were to make something up to describe it.

I do have good people online, but I have strong and powerful episodes like today where I return to this Katya-moment (I don't know what to call it).

My online life isn't so bad, I'm generally loved by my peers, which is good.

Online friends is almost all I have ever had in my life.

>she's sacrificed SO MUCH to keep me alive it's insane, once when my father wanted to beat me up she got between me and him and said "You god damn son of a bitch, if you think you can touch him you'll have to kill me first asshole!" I was about 2 or 3.
she sounds like a great person. why didn't you tell her about the trauma? maybe not then but now? I understand fear, but I think for your own good you should tell about it.
>my father always tried to be this returning 'hero father'
typical psycho. they don't have identity. they're like chameleons, they can put any disguise that fits them. they can appear sweet and loving, and be maniacs next second. they prey on good, empathetic people. everything they say or show is fake, extreme psychos like your father can't feel love. I guess you understand you should never trust him.
>I had stress induced experienced and hallucinations as a child because of how absolutely terrified I was.
it is understandable. a trauma like yours in not something you see every day. like you said, it can potentially give every disorder imaginable, including schizoid.
>I do have good people online, but I have strong and powerful episodes like today where I return to this Katya-moment (I don't know what to call it).
this is also understandable. you're right to call it "moment". it's something deep below your control. self-harm for borderlines comes for no logical reason. it might come to deal with intense emotions, thoughts or memories. this might be the same case with your thoughts. I assume it also might come as defense when you suddenly feel damage to your self esteem, to feel like you're a "good person" again.

I think you really should read a book Psychopath Free. while it's more about relationship, it might help you understand and predict psychopath behavior better. it's written specifically for victims of psychopaths. while of course now you're distanced from your father, it might help reduce the pain when you know why certain things happened, and how to stop trusting these people.
also just in case, I wanted to add. while you said your father was abused even worse, this doesn't in the slightest give him any right to abuse others, or "justify" his actions. I stress this because psychopaths will exploit any pity to continue or justify their wrongdoing. they will lie their way through anything. they also never feel guilt, so forgiveness is very, very dangerous in this case.