overall I tend to go through the motions.
At the same time, I just make the best of what I have.
i'v thought about ending it, but desu, that is boring as fuck. There is nothing on the other end of a bullet, just a blank end to your thought. There is no heaven or hell, nothing. I would much rather be torchered than disappear forever.
so I toil at my job, for decent money to do things I enjoy doing. collecting, shooting, gaming and more.
I ride my motorcycle when I want, drive my car, no one tells me what to do, just a few things of what not to do and I don't disagree with them as there is no current gain in ending another, nor theft.
You know what one of the best feelings is? Hunting down a rare artifact at a gunshow, military show or antique show, finding it for far cheaper than it's worth and adding it to my collection. Also the times where I pull off truly amazing stunts in games, be it counterstrike and somehow pulling off an ace with just my USP vs full armor + AK guys, or otherwise barely surviving the round and pulling through. That and hanging out with friends, drinking and playing dumb card games or other games that are really only fun because im with friends and we are drinking.... or as I did last weekend, going to the shooting pit and just blasting random shit at the bottom of it with a handful of my fav guns, my echo trigger equiped AR15 and 8 30 round mags being turned into noise in 2 mins, my PSL54c yeeting 30 cal rounds into a small doll house, watching it jump when I hit the ground next to it or my PS90 just pounding whatever target I point it at with it's 50 round magazine....
so while yes there are times where you go through the motions, those are just the filler episodes of your life and unfortunately you can't skip them. To end yourself would be the most boring fate as you would no longer exist. Go though the motions, have fun, and live.