What is wrong with people in "higher learning"

Reads like clickbait garbage. Probably written by some kind of woman. No formal voice at all. No understanding of citations.

This person sucks.

you're in college and you write this way? you should be embarrassed. read more, you semi-literate goblin.

I sure hope you are the peer reviewer and not the peer reviewed.

>Citing user from pinterest

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There is no fucking social stigma against schizophrenia. Schizos cannot live a normal fucking life. There is no medication that can allow you to function normally.

I'm confused, are you complaining that your poor writing got chided?

you can huffington and puffington but you can't blow me down. i like him.

Did Michael Jackson write this?

Send not to know for whom the bell curve tolls, it tolls for thee.

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Theres plenty of things clearly wrong about this paper but for me the most egregious:
>using 1st/2nd person pronouns in an essay
This should be punishable by death. Especially first person pronouns. Makes the whole paper come off like an opinion piece rather than an actual argument. Absolutely drives me nuts.

Not true. There are schizophrenics who can live normal lives, but it's super important they stay on their meds.

Quotation marks seem legit.
Formatting is terrible.

Also, when did it become the standard to explicitly state "In this essay, I will..." rather than to utilize a thesis. I see it constantly now. Is it a common core thing?

It’s terrible writing, you dolt

>ITT show proof you don’t read

It's easier for people who don't know how to write or for teachers who are too stupid to identify a thesis. My guess is both in this case.

The teacher hates your paper because you write how people talk.
you need to write it like a report, the teachers literally don't give a fuck what you write about

> In this essay, I will...

This should have been the first and last reply.

SAGE THE FUCKING THREAD YOU NEWFAGS

Saged. You’re gonna give someone a brain aneurysm writing like that. Fuck yourself

That's the low effort way of presenting your thesis (read: the retard that sucks with words way). You can pretty much just discard the paper after reading a line like that because you can be almost 100% sure the level of discourse will not exceed the complexity of that line alone.

I see an incompetently written essay, reviewed and edited by someone who is likewise incompetent. What's the point of this thread?

>semi-literate

Let’s not jump to conclusions, user. OP could well be functionally illiterate, based on that terrible writing

Which invites the question; why are people who don't have basic writing skills going to college? Why does freshman comp have to try to teach them these skills they should have acquired in the previous 12 years of publicly funded education?

More fun to tee off on a moron

This, hard to believe you made it to college with third grade writing skills; surely your university has a writing lab in the library, where you can remind yourself how MLA works?

Unfortunately I suspect the OP is doing his best to not completely shit all over the paper for the sake of not being called out by the student as racist / ableist / whatever fotm-ist. If the OP actually wrote that paper he should quietly drop out of school.

So much this. And furthermore, why was I—a published writer at the time I entered college after the Navy—forced to shell out fucking shekels to sit next to retards like OP who need to be taught the basic rudiments of expressing themselves via the written word? Shit is maddening

when I took english comp 1 the teacher said he would throw away anyone's paper who wrote that either as a thesis or a topic sentence
most readers can tell you will talk about something in an essay so there is no need to clarify that point

Language arts classes don't teach how to write properly. I learned to write decent essays in ap European history. All language arts taught me was how to perfect planned laziness.

>burger education

My countrymen

To be fair I had a professor who explicitly stated in the paper's guidelines that you had to have a thesis statement that started with "In this essay..."

Are you coming here looking for reassurance about your shitty writing? Nobody agrees with you. GTFO

This.
You're wasting your money OP. Drop out now.

One way to proof read a document is to read it out loud and decide if errors stand out.

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In the 11th grade, I peer reviewed a paper in which a girl wrote, and I quote, “in this paper, I will show that Hamlet was insane for reasons.” That was her thesis

Thi's gave my a depression.

>citing pinterest as a source

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Haha u right like a 6th grader kid

Thats a good point. Every course I've taken that had a written component hammered the same fundamentals though, thesis and paragraph structure and how to formulate an argument. Seniors in their last year of university were no better at stringing a sentence together than incoming freshmen. I know this sounds elitist as hell, but it really devalues the worth of a degree when these people get passed through.

I had a similar experience. I left the navy after my first hitch, hadn't written anything more complex than an engineroom procedue in all that time. Was forced to spend tuition on classes like freshman comp to satisfy gen ed requirements and found that kids who had been in high school the previous semester were basically fucking illiterate. I'm not a brilliant writer, but I do read constantly. I think a lack of familiarity with actual books and writing styles more complex than a buzzfeed article is what drives the poor writing from undergrads.

Maybe. They're still odd edits, though, even if we ignore the remaining typos and grammatical errors. Most notably, removing the "author unknown, Pinterest" attribution and the quotation marks makes the paper worse, not better -- in that it now opens with a plagiarized quote (not one that anybody will care about, but still). The correct choice would obviously have been to remove the quote entirely and open the paper a different way, but presenting the quote as though the paper's author wrote it is not an improvement.

>all these people think the OP is the essayist
he put "higher learning" in quotations precisely because he's mocking the nigger who wrote this shit.

lol this takes me back to college, thanks user
they squeeze so many people in now because of free loan money

Nah, that's shit advice. OP, if that was your paper and not something you were reviewing, then I really urge you to meet with your professor, go to your school's writing lab, and pick up a copy of the style guide for your discipline.

The basic premise of "mental illness is stigmatized rather than treated" is a solid one, you just need to better develop your point.

everyone in this thread who thinks OP wrote the essay should not go to college

>world

Entirely justified. Learn English.

>In this essay, I will
Even my shitshow of a school taught us not to do this.

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holy fuck that is some shitty female writing DAMN

>Seniors in their last year of university were no better at stringing a sentence together than incoming freshmen.
Ready for a blackpill? I'm evaluating teachers in training, and they're just as bad. If you're black and training to become a teacher they just usher you through with a passing grade. Black teachers who literally write "ax" instead of "ask." No. I'm not joking. I literally had to tell a teacher in training how to write the word "ask" on her essay.

You write really badly. Prof went pretty easy on you.

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it's painfully obvious that a mongrel woman wrote this.

I think even Zodiac Bernie wrote better than this in his taunting letters. Go see if you’re better at math.

Really the correct choice would be to cross out the whole paragraph and write "Rewrite this as though you passed middle school" but that would hurt someone's feefees.

The edits are to give the impression that the peer reviewer actually did something since nothing will save the dumpster fire that is that first paragraph short of completely discarding it and starting over.

The premise is sound, but the writing is a disaster that no amount of peer reviewing could fix.

The teachers are all idiots.
They're all literally lowest-bid temp workers.
If you're in a writing class in any college and the teacher doesn't REQUIRE you to own the Chicago Manual of Style, drop out.

When I went to college, the first week was spent studying the CMS and unlearning all the garbage that public schools teach you, and the teacher straight up said "if you can't get this within the next month, drop out of this class now"

By the end of the first week the class went from 30% black to 4% black.

Holy fuck, as a teacher's assistant, this is probably 50% better than all my first year students in university. At least he didn't cite a weblink or Google or wikipedia.

As a diagnosed schizophrenic, this needs putting in the bin for even trying to assert there are 'pros' to schizophrenia, never mind "have better pros than cons.". It's a fucking nightmare.

I'm sick of people trying to normalise serious mental health issues or 'reframe the narrative' of them. There's no fucking shamans in the industrialised world. It doesn't necessarily lead to creativity - it usually harms the ability to work as you become unreliable and estranged from people generally. People understandably don't want to work with mongs who can't get their shit together when they need to. It becomes difficult to build relationships with other people unless they're fucking damaged too. People don't want to employ you and half the time you're not capable of working anything.

Fucking idiocy.

t.schizo

i hope this is bait for your sake.

>That citation
Holy shit dude lol. They just saw one of those text picture memes that women post on social media to sound deep and big brain. I just typed in the quote and it popped up that some dude at a Ted Talk said it.

It's the same with grad students here, even supposedly cream of the crop ones here on a Fullbright or other scholarship. They lack fundamental skills, have very limited knowledge, and cannot handle being questioned at all.

My personal favorite was a self-hating English woman who melted down when she found out that Native Americans owned slaves and engaged in the 'sexist, patriarchal, homophobic' institution of heterosexual marriage. She genuinely believed the noble savage trope, since she had been so thoroughly convinced that white people were the root of all evil. This sounds like a bullshit story, but she literally invoked Marx as if it would ward off the evil of what she had just heard. I've never seen someone so frequently and innapropriately shout "Hegelian dialectic" before.

Anyway, we're fucked and higher education is a scam.

>Really the correct choice would be to cross out the whole paragraph and write "Rewrite this as though you passed middle school" but that would hurt someone's feefees.

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You can learn a lot on Wikipedia, dumbfuck.

Yes, but it's still better to follow wikipedia's links back to the source material it draws from. A book is more authoritative than an article online that "anyone can edit."

When i was at CC, my work was constantly marked lower if Stacy needed extra points for something like pic related

>Better
Should we all comb through 200+ year old archives in order to satisfy erroneous factual claims on the internet for our haughty taughty state-sanctioned babysitters, or are you suggesting that education is about privileging an institution’s curated collections over a much broader range of information?

“We can be satisfied that these matters of fact have been falsified thanks to the basements of city halls three counties over, and now I thank you heartily for my grade in composition 101.” Smug cunts.

People like you are the reason there are few critical thinkers.

I'm saying wikipedia is a tertiary source that synthesizes the information in secondary sources (scholarly articles and monographs which themselves draw from primary documents) down into a more concise format that removes nuance. Wikipedia is a great resource, but it should be used as a starting point for research, not as a source.

Tfw to intelligent for proper Grammer

Saeg thies u geyloord nigar suk mai kok

Your in Japan though so im assuming you're talking about high school teachers. I still hope it may not be the same in peer-reviewed academic circles. On a personal note, I have corrected work made by lawyers and they have a9th grade level readability score.

At this point who gives a fuck w/e just kill me

Higher Learning fell to the Frankfurt School of thoughts years ago.

I can barely understand what that person has written... How do English teachers put up with reading these on a consistent basis...?

Nah. You’re dead wrong. If you want to insist that your students understand factual information gets debased the further it is found from source documentation, teach them the epistemology of eyewitness testimony rather than limit their dataset. Teach them to detect anomalies in the relationships between greater numbers of facts, not shut them down by teaching bias for one source and fetishization for another as if they are blind nigger cattle. And while you’re at it, maybe you should focus on their writing and simplify their lessons rather than peacock what dogmas the academic priests handed down to you in order to put your own brain in autopilot so you can inhale their stale flatulence with a straight face in front of little children for the rest of your miserable days.

>Also, when did it become the standard to explicitly state "In this essay, I will..." rather than to utilize a thesis. I see it constantly now. Is it a common core thing?
Masters in math here. I don't see the problem, reads essentially like a math paper.
>in this paper we will ...
Purpose is so that people who read 50 papers a day can immediately tell exactly what is proved in the paper so they know whether it's beneficial for them to read it.

Is the problem that it doesn't sound fancy enough, or what?

What grade are you in? Any answer over 7th is embarrassing for you.

Put down the crack pipe

I suppose it's a disciplinary difference. Papers in the humanities should have a clear and elegant thesis without the need to resort to "in this essay..."

>Calling having depression is like saying:"Gimme attention". And People despite Attention Whores, while having a visible injury is a clear way to see that you need help.

If you really need help go to theraphy.

Child killer.

Think your doctor needs to up your dose on the anti-psychotics there bud.

AP Euro was probably the only worthwhile AP class I took in high school, for the sole reason that it taught me to write. The actually history part was pretty neat as well.
My English 12 class tried to have us begin our essays with the, "In this essay I will..." shit; it's phenomenal how many students ate that up and didn't even think about how ugly it sounds as an introduction.

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>Papers in the humanities should have a clear and elegant thesis without the need to resort to "in this essay..."
There is nothing clearer than:
>In this essay we will discuss topics X,Y and argue why they imply Z.
Is it really just because it's not fancy enough, or what?
Sounds kinda leftist circle-jerky.
>ohh wow so nicely worded
>the words roll of my tongue like that proud black man's semen.
>ew - this one just says exactly what it's arguing and makes clear and concise points. I don't even picture Tyrone's anus as I read it.

Not to say the writing in OP's picture isn't complete shit. But that's because it's a boring, unoriginal pile of nonsense. The only thing I like about it is that it's easy to read - which seems to be why it's getting the most flak here.

Keep the ad hominems coming. They’re all you have to defend your blatant hypocrisy.

He’s grading the paper not writing it you fucking dipshit

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Well it's not a scientific paper. It might be acceptable if it were, but only because the standards for decent writing in scientific papers are rather low. The what is more important than the how, and so it is important to know exactly what you are going to find in the paper you are reading as early as possible. The paper was not written to convince but to inform.

In all other writing, especially in the case of writing a thesis that will form the backbone of an argumentative essay, how the thesis is presented is highly indicative of the eloquence and detail of the subsequent arguments presented. A thesis this blunt not only states what a bore the rest of the paper will be, but also that the depth of the topic to be explored will be so limited that reading that "thesis" alone will preempt anyone of needing to read any further beyond wasting time re-reading the same sentence re-iterated in as many ways as needed to cover the minimum page requirement for the assignment.

>- author unknown, Pinterest.

I didn't even realize the introduction was a quote and thought it was terrible, but the subsequent text confirms this was indeed written by a non-white.
wew lad

Are you in grade 5?

>ITT +1 chromosome diaper babies think op is the one who wrote the essay
This is clearly the writing of a woman and probably a fat/uneducated one at that

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That's what they teach students to do now because niggers and spics are too fucking retarded to form a coherent thesis statement. They need everything broken down into a format they can follow.

>(insert intro)
>(insert quote)
>(insert body)

etc

>The what is more important than the how
Shouldn't this be the case for any paper that's worth it's weight?
To anyone that's not retarded, if your argument is shit, it's gonna be shit no matter how fancy you word it.
Personally, I've always felt that the simpler and clearer something is expressed, the better.