Does this drive anyone else insane? I haven't worked in an office type of job for years, but people who use corporate speak and buzzwords make me absolutely fucking rage.
Especially when it's just in a casual conversation. Whenever someone uses the word "advantageous" or says"moving forward" I want to punch them in the fucking face.
Why is this? It makes me think someone is talking down to me or trying to insult my intelligence. Like when SJWs say you're being "problematic."
When you have to walk on egg shells to evade the HR Big Brother, there are very few neutral words you can use to keep your job. That is why we have to use this limited vocabulary of corporate speak.
You're just mad you're not smart enough to use the lingo.
Nothing makes me rage more than when I’m interviewing someone and ask the simple “Why do you want this job?” and get copypasta shit from CareerBuilder like “I want to use my diverse skill set to help the company and grow and advance my career”
WTF does that even mean? Be a real person and give a real answer. Even if it’s “y’all gonna pay me more than anyone else”, at least that’s honesty.
Sounds like you were lucky to get a corporate job with your level of education. I'd recommend you STFU, keep your head down and paychecks coming in and maybe learn to Google so you know what they are talking about. Yes it's false and annoying but getting so triggered means the problem is you. Now get off my Jow Forumsitics board
Look, at the end of the day, folks just need to promote synergy as we move forward.
One of the theses of Orwell's 1984 was that control of language amounts to some sort of mind control. The endgame, though, isn't to make sure that people think the same way (this is mathematical impossibility), rather, to render these thoughts useless and incommunicable. When we look at the distribution of wealth in the US, along with the implementation of AI - to render the middle management decision-making less meaningful, doesn't this explain why things are the way they are? Ironically, Orwell was also deeply afraid of communism, which is what I always think of when I hear "moving forward."
Here's an interesting read about the commiefication of Western corporations - in case you didn't see it yet...
zerohedge.com
SHUT THE FUCK UP SMARTOID AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
>at least that’s honesty.
youtube.com
Eat shit I work in the trades ad probably make more money than you, faggot.
Thank you for reaching out. That is one that has been pissing me off lately.
Yeah, I want to reach out and pinch your head off.
Been my theory that is one of the reasons Uncle Trump developed such a following. He doesn't use corporate speak.
I hate that bogus shit. Doublespeak intended for obfuscation. Nah, just conformity.
I know how you feel. I work in logistics and hearing people say 'synergy' in pretty much any context is physically painful. It pisses me off even more than niggerdiction, which is fucking saying something.
You own the goddamned board, you little prick?
I'm just over her trying to be authentic and genuine while I take it to the next level. We can align our goals and priorityes at the next scrum of demo....see you at the next townhall.
Right?
The nerve of these fuckheads.
similar phenomenon: when people are at work for a corporation, especially as customer service, they will often put on a "corporate voice" and it is usually very condescending. I used to work as a customer service representative for a cell phone company and my co-workers would use the word "do" redundantly when they were being condescendingly polite. "i DO apologize... i DO sympathize..."
Maybe it's not that interesting on it's own, but I found it strange because they all did it and nobody ever trained us to. As far as I could tell it was natural.
Thinking of a few bad examples but there are so many....
Take this offline
Sync up
Circle back
Synergy
To Summarize
Caveats
Move the ball forward
All hands on
Status quo
You forgot the big one
>folks
I like that kind of blue sky thinking. Let's touch base tomorrow via email. I'll then setup a short meeting on slack so we can then finalize a meeting time later.
Folks,
There has been some confusion around
Let us work together to solve this
Regards,
T douche
Synergy is the worst ever
a lot of ((people)) have a rampant urge to abstract and label every concievable thing. this is because ((they)) do not understand etymology and cannot assemble sentences the same way normal people do. simple, direct and honest language scares them. ((((they)))) invent these labels and unnecessary abstractions through hack academic papers that their (((friends))) promote and support, and before you know it these terms are being used in the universities, on wikipedia and eventually make it to the workplace.
all the sudden, mass layoffs become "human resources management" or some faggotry. the agenda is to obscure the real meaning of things, and weed out anybody who might have a shred of integrity.
I am under no obligation to like the fact I have to work and that youll ask me to perform this archaic dance
I have a job because I dont want to be a dirt poor farmer
I dont actually have to like it
I know in the corporate world they have sexual harassment seminars and sensitivity training. But do they send out memos now telling you not to use certain words or phrases anymore?
Thank you for reaching out, anonymous. I appreciate you. Listen, when the team gets together, why don’t we touch base at that point? I feel like some folks aren’t quite on board with the program just yet. Shoot me a message back when you get a chance.
Regards,
BigCorporateFaggot
>tradies
Our wages are stagnant because beaners
Call them a nigger in response and see how long it takes to get fired, bonus points if you say it to the big boss and even more if you ask for a raise afterwards
Thanks for the call out user! We really appreciate when someone from the group comes forward with questions or concerns like this. It is things like this that make Jow Forums, well, Jow Forums. Happy posting!
>falling in line
>like they knew you would
Biggest ones that piss me the fuck off
>team player
>on the ball
>y'all (in fucking emails and texts)
You tradies all say that but it’s how you spend it that counts.
i work in a shitty gas station and i have to memorize tons of fucking stupid corporate jargon and acronyms
"Can't complain"
This
They prop each other up and to maintain unearned legitimacy
Also add
>touch base
Fuck anyone who says that.
let me give you the inside baseball ok
We offer a bespoke solution
marketing cunts
>rental properties
Get fucked cunt
>All the sudden
Get the fuck out, entryist.
Let’s all have a thought shower and stir fry the results in the ideas wok
File a complaint with HR when someone says they want to touch base with you. Say it made you feel uncomfortable.
So you’re a rent seeker in addition to being someone’s employee. Well, we can’t have it all, now can we.
>advantageous
>moving forward
>corporate speak
I think you're insulting your own intelligence.
>It takes intelligence to translate this kike code into sitting on a computer organizing shit all fucking day long
I hope robots take over
Dude, imagine talking to a friend telling them got into a car wreck or something and they respond by saying. "So what to you intend to do moving forward?"
>cue navy seal copypasta
The problem is that 90% of large companies use word filters and algorithms for sorting out candidates online. To actually make it through the digital gauntlet you have to tailor your resume to their bullshit specs and use buzzwords. Then you get the HR monkeys screening them manually, after the fact. Since they've literally never had a real job or worked a day in their lives, they only know the corporate doublespeak they're taught and so they look for it in candidates' CVs/resumes.
Getting through that, and then interviewing with someone who is likely a soulless corporate rat, basically obligates candidates to spew the same tired shit you're sick of hearing. They're really just playing the odds - chances are the company hires based on this nondescript horseshit and if you said anything half-original or witty you'd be considered a "troublemaker" or "not in line with the corporate culture we foster".
My department director, to a fucking T.
>exciting opportunities
>industry-leading
>innovative solutions
>diverse workforce
t. someone who works for one of the largest lending houses in the world, and fucking hates it.
>Why is this?
they use to suppress their emotions, if they used their own words they might let something honest slip
just put all the buzzwords under the "tags" heading (:
I'm a solution seeker so I'm not looking for sympathy like a fucking pussy. I see nothing wrong with that question.
Asians would take offense, and discussing a "shower" would make female employees uncomfortable. It would also upset the Muslim employees who do not shower.
>synergy
Now that's a word I've not heard in a very long time. It seemed like a 90's buzzword, my corporate douchemasters use words like "align", "focus", and "streamline". Instead of asking if there are problems, they use the word "irritants", because the word "problem" was deemed problematic.
>"not in line with the corporate culture we foster".
"Culture" That's one I hear used a lot now. "We're creating a culture of success.'
yes, I.e. at gitlab, in the manual it says you should not say "guys" because it neglects woman.
progressive af eh?
Why does he wear the mask?
>I'm a solution seeker
kys
>solution seeker
If this isn’t a subtle troll you should seriously consider suicide
Because if you don't use that language your resume gets tossed.
Any indication that you're a human being and not a robot = resume trashed.
Nothing wrong with "advantageous," user. First known use: 1550.
But "impactful," that's a double tap to the noggin
Team building exercise! Really hit it hard this week! Get some numbers on the board! Inclusive. Family second!
They’re all gay boys who don’t know it yet.
?
I don't like to dwell on my failures or problems because its a waste of time and energy, and I would probably end up killing someone over something minor if I did. I'm a tradesman (carpenter/operator) so inb4 corporate suckup.
>ya'll
Impossible to avoid in the south and I fucking hate it.
That reminds me. Does any one have a screencap from a few years ago when an user said he was interning at a law firm and was asked to bring a stack of resumes to one of the higher ups and he went to a broom closet and took out all the ones with jewish surnames and shredded them? Shit was hilarious.
This is absolutely true. I was submitting resumes for a long time after I got out of uni without getting any bites. I consulted with my sister who knew some people at the company, and they basically told me to just cherry pick words from the company's mission statement and the job description. They said if I had at least 10-15 good adjectives in my resume the system would pluck it up for review. Worked like a charm. I just repeated everything that was on my resume, then told them about how I really admired their involvement in the community and how they give back to employees. Hired two hours later.
The amazing thing is that you can actually live a decent life navigating the corporate douchebaggery if you recognize it and play into it. I'm fairly certain my boss thinks I'm autistic or something and so they don't pressure me to do any of the corporate events like luncheons anymore, I just told her they affected my "anxiety" and made me "uncomfortable". Really, I just don't want to make smalltalk with the other robots. But if they think there's a chance you could come back with some claim that your mental health has been affected by a non-performance related aspect of the job, they'll just acquiesce.
The rest is just about understanding that you're not a human, but a group of numbers. I've figured out how to rig the ratings systems and metrics they use in my favour, even though I don't do a great job.
BigCorporateFaggot (can I call you Fag?), your folks did an amazing job on the last meeting scheduling meeting. I just got word from my other three bosses that we're going to need an all hands meeting later to talk about tomorrow's meeting. Also, do you think we could get some food for Saturdays and Sundays mandatory meetings? Maybe something vegan? Suzanne has informed me of her allergy to parsnips, and I just don't want to risk triggering her!
Ciao
CocksuckingMiddleManager
** KEEP ON SMILING, EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING **
The wart on that whores stomach is disgusting.
Most of Jow Forums has clearly never had a corporate job. Shocker
LOL Weird AL made this song just for you OP!
youtu.be
Definitely I agree 0/10 would not fuck doesn't meet my high standards either.
That word makes me think of a Vietnamese turkey.
I don't want to boil the frog here, but I think most of you are cocksucking autists like OP.
I think it's time for pencils down and for you to roll off this gay thread
Please advise,
T. Consultant douch polack
Howdy CocksuckingMiddleManager,
Thanks for checking in. Of course you can call me Fag — my friends all do! Listen, about Suzanne, how is she adjusting to the new office? I heard a report that the air conditioning had been turned up too high and that it was making her uncomfortable. And that’s on top of Frank’s obvious paternalism... talk about micromanagement! We value ALL of our team members, and we don’t like to think of them as “employees.” This office is a family. Let’s move forward with the vegan fare. I could use the diet! Hah.
Talk to you soon, Cocksucker.
All the best,
Fag
Flowery words are all you need in this day. Since the average corporate pleb is a completely lost and broken consumer drone, and they have too many bread and circuses to keep track of, their employers get away with more and more stagnation (wages and work conditions).
This drives the social and corporate ladder climbers insane, even though they suffer from the same attachment to the consumer culture. So to "stand out" from the rest they try to flex on the rest by sounding as pseudo intellectual and professional as possible, despite the fact that barely any one of them could man a fryer at McDonalds competently.
This gets much worse when leftist politics get in the mix. When the whole corporate ass sniffing contest gets old, it breeds a perfect storm for leftist faggotry to be the altar to which their careers kneel. Their consumer training kicks in and supplants the need for a wholesome, healthy life of struggle and improvement for a quick rush of social acceptance dopamine.
"At this time" always irks me.
>"At this time"
It's always used in a passive-aggressive manner. This boils my blood, along with people citing timelines for things.
>as you are aware, it has been 3 months since the [insert event/incident/claim/etc.]
>this has dragged on far too long
>I like to think I'm reasonable
>I'm sure you can appreciate
>I think you'll agree
top lel
The real answer is "i want to get paid and you're someone who might do that"
Seriously, I don't give a fuck about your company beyond its ability to give me a paycheck.
>Family second
Has literally anyone ever said something that blatantly fucked. I refuse to believe they would be that obvious
>Let's play it by ear
False upper-class camouflage is what it is. They’re trying to act to fit what they imagine their pay grade should be.
>work in a blue collar place
>everyone just says what they mean without mincing words
I might only make 16 dollars an hour but I like going into work and the comraderie we have. There aren't any women in our department and hardly visit us so we are just unfiltered men 100% of the time.
My director made a point of saying "I always say 'family comes first'", right before he told all of us that we'd be put on performance improvement plans if we couldn't shoulder the workload of three people each. One person cited concerns about her mother with Alzheimer's for whom she is a care-provider, and another person cited their young kids as being important to them (in response to the "need" for overtime).
>mfw they were both white and their opinions are basically equivalent to trash in the corporate world
as i understand it, desjardins is quebecois. so i'm wondering if there are any french equivalents of this bullshit that you've come across, and what it roughly translates to if there's stuff different from english corpospeak.
I don't know but I'm sure it would go over well.
I think that's why so many fags climb the ladder so easily. They're seen as good middle managers. Sexual harassment incidents with women is zero. I'm sure they do it to guys but guys won't report that shit.
Hi Fag,
Suzanne is settling in just great. She had some trouble turning her workstation for the first week, but we've finally got her trained on where to find the power button. Meanwhile Frank has been happy to pick up the slack.
And yes, he and I had a few tet-a-tets to discuss the temperature. He understands it makes Suzanne and the other women too cold, and that its not his place to criticize what they wear. After all we are a family and need to support each other!
Finally, thanks for the go ahead on the food. I know everyone, including Frank is going to love it! We'll try that guy with the wheelie bin who hangs out near Starbucks. I'll be sure to get a receipt!
So moving forward, the meetings are on schedule, and I'll keep you in the loop if that changes so we can react in real-time.
Ciao
CocksuckingMiddleManager
comfy. own a small company myself so i've never had to deal with corporate bullshit aside from customers. business partner is redpilled too so we are unfiltered in our conversations
>can I call you
>allergy to parsnips
it's all too real!!
Not really, it's the same tired horseshit just poorly translated into English. It always disturbs me how many official communications go out that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors.
There's a very obvious smugness from the upper management, partly because of the ethnocentrism French people possess. The "processes" and "workflows" for every position were clearly designed by a "best practices" team that has never fulfilled any of the roles they're describing in their "job aids".
The other startling thing is just how severely incompetent most people are - especially management. The managers are like scared children who can't provide any comments or original ideas. They're afraid to provide feedback that isn't pre-chewed from some corporate manual, and it's the cringey boomer jokes they use when they're trying to be "relatable".
At this point, y'all is as basic a contraction at can't.
With internet speak flying around like a whore at a laborflat, this one shouldn't be a surprise nor nuisance.
These are gold, someone should compile them into a single copypasta for posterity.
Also, don't forget the inane references to "Q1/2/3/4"
Have you ever heard any one unironically say "Someone has a case of the Mondays"??
damn. might i ask how high up you are in the company? what do you end up doing most days? any specific outrageous stories that spring to mind?
>moving forward
Fuck I hate that one
Word salad to cover up professional incompetence.
No, but this middle-aged normie automaton that used to sit near me accused me of having the "Monday Blues" one time.
Then she realized I'm like that every day and developed the appropriate amount of fear and respect.
>moving forward
>circle back
>huddle up
>looping in
>populating
>teaming
>all hands
>seamless
>lets unpack this
>product touching
>workflow
>action item
>platform
>due diligence
Just fucking kill me
You're just not proactive enough, OP. You need to get with the paradigm, ride this bow wave.
Yeah well for every one of you there's 100 others expecting you to memorize the company history and tongue their assholes with it.
The smart money is on giving the stereotypical answers.
i dont have a problem with any of these words as long as they're used correctly
I used to print the internal news letter for a large branch of the inland revenue (taxes). Don't know who wrote it but it was actually funny. It had little games to play in meetings including bullshit bingo which was a selections of dog shit buzz words you ticked off that mounth.
They had a news section which was dominated by a mentalist wiping his arse on paper towels then opening the dispenser folding said towel up and putting it back in to the dispenser!
I have coworkers and other people in the department/company who definitely browse this board so I'm not going to get any more specific, sorry. Same reason I don't reveal my power level IRL, I'm sure they'd love to do a "purge" of straight white males from their ranks.