Seriously, are there any jokes in the Bible

St. Paul jokes around all the time. I believe it's the book of Timothy wherein he writes that we should drink wine instead of water when thirsty, and that he is the chief of sinners.

My palm tree grew firm reading that.

Not sure if it is a joke, but there is some scripture about Aliens coming down and raping human women to produce a race of giants in the old testament. No shit. True story. Look it up.

The whole bible's a joke

Some things never change. Every time the apostles went to a new town, the Jews would follow them and 'stir up the gentiles' against them.

Ezekiel 23
> 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt.
> 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.
> 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.[c]

The thought of all the disciples gathering together in one accord is funny if you visualize it. Especially if they are wearing big shoes and funny hair.

It's one of the first chapters of the first book. They weren't all monstrous cannibals, some of them were good looking heroes, like Hercules or Gilgamesh.

careful round those edges boy

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David liked his big titties it seems
> I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.

John chapter 7, or basically anywhere Jesus dabs on the pharisees (jews)

m.youtube.com/watch?v=O_wyDCTgsz8

The refusal of warning and history told to one who has not ears can be enlightening to the degree thou sustains his plank. I see a forrest in the tree of my eye, do you?

Yeah, that seems to reference what I'm talking about.

lol that's true, never thought about it like that.

There's so much humor in the Bible it's outrageous. but you gotta read it because most of it is in context. For example, when the Jews are wandering the wilderness, when God talks to Moses and God has a beef with Israel, he says
>these people of yours
but then Moses replies
>these people of yours
and it's kinda a back and forth. hilarious actually that God, the creator of the Universe, has created a people who are so hardheaded and stubborn that God himself tells Moses "these people of yours are gettin' on my nerves"

there's some good Proverbs too
>Like a ring of gold in a swine's snout, so is a beautiful woman without any sense.
also the donkey dick stuff anons have posted.

In the book of Jonah, God pretty much says "why are you seething so much bro?"

Isn't there a part where some prophet is being mocked by some kids, so he calls bears from the woods to come eat the kids?

biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1 Kings 18:26-28&version=KJV

I heard the original is saying their god is going to the bathroom

>am i my brothers keeper?
this is a gut buster. all knowing god already knows the answer but asks anyway. instead of cain copping to it he doesnt just lie but gives almighty creator a smartass retort

>abraham and the angels
jews down god from 50 to 10

>the end of Jonah
i'm sure this is a sandnigger joke that the modern western mind cant into

Based and Christpilled

Elijah trolls and mocks the prophets of Baal when their God didn't answer by fire. I always found it amusing, but not "rofl" funny.

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Elijah challenges a bunch of baal worshipers to a duel, when elijah sees that nothing is happening on baal's side he asks the worshipers if their god is taking a piss.

Paeg fiddy ate says and gawd creatid niggas

>are there any jokes in the Bible
yes. Genesis up until maybe Daniel. Depends on who you ask.

yeah thats elijah the based, i think its in 1st or 2nd kings. or maybe acts

My sons laugh their asses off every time I show them this verse.

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The Old Testament is a joke from beginning to end. It shouldn't even be part of the Bible. It was tacked on at the behest of Jews.
Neither was Jesus Jewish. He was a Nazareen, closer to Roman, which is comes from a different tribal/ethnic group than the Judeans. (Not that modern Jews have much in common with the original Judeans. Palestinians do, ironically enough.)

I like the part where Jesus pulls Joseph's finger. Good times desu

Stories of faggots being BTFO by God is pretty funny.

if Jesus cursing a fig tree because it's out of season doesn't make you laugh I don't know what will. he's just been walking around stressing about the Pharisees all day and then reaches for a fig but there isn't one. it reminds him of the state of Israel so he curses it and carries on.

just the imagine if an exasperated Jesus griping about Jews only to get jewed by a tree and halfheartedly kill it is funny to me

Lel fucking jews

>No.226922439

I don't know man, but you should go to the Ant, you sluggard.

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Peter means "rock." After messing up again and again Christ said to Peter "upon this rock I build my church."

>jews down God from 50 to 10
But he went for it. tells you something about God...and the Jews

Judges 3:22 And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed on the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out.

Jesus was an anglo saxon

It's a reference to the book of enoch

>Nahum knew that their walls were weak & defenceless as women
>Jonah gets MOBY DICK'D
>spoiled little shit brother gets rad jacket, promptly sold into slavery for being a brat
>literally a talking donkey
>I'mma wrestle this goddamn angel until he blesses me

You've gotta learn to appreciate the humour.

Judges is pretty metal
But Jael, Heber's wife, took a tent peg and seized a hammer in her hand, and went secretly to him and drove the peg into his temple, and it went through into the ground; for he was sound asleep and exhausted. So he died. Judges 4:21

Nah man, its Elisha.

Kids call him baldhead, she bear claws until dead.

ALL 42 OF THEM

Yes, the whole thing is a joke, and only works in a healthy, homogeneous society.

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Revelations did that for me.

it's literally Genesis.

> I only want to be saved in the name of Christ if his book gives me BIG LAFFS HAHAHAHAHAHA FUNNY

Christcucks are fucking retarded and humorless. The bible is a joke itself and you're a joke for believing in a magic zoo boat.

Saul was described as a wildass of a man.

2Ki 2:24 - And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
Some kids were mocking the prophet Elisha, so he called on The LORD, and He sent a couple bears that fucked them up real good.
That's pretty funny.

Yes, but humor does not translate well across cultures and millennia. There are a ton of puns in Genesis, there are gross references to shameful bodily functions, the entire book of Jonah is a parody of prophetic literature, Jesus's first miracle is accompanied with a humorous observation about booze at a wedding, etc.

10,000 jews died after a roman soldier, Cumanus, farted and the jews rioted

t. edgelord npc

jobs whole life was an actual joke

Yeah. Most people don't know this, but Jesus was always shitting on Jewish customs. On Sunday, people are supposed to work (Jewish), and were especially forbidden from mixing clay. Ao how did Jesus heal a blind man on the sabbath? He spat in the dirt, and made clay with the mud, and used that to wash away the blindness. He hated all their silly laws, and broke them wherever possible.

youtube.com/watch?v=9d9T0HaAxbA&list=PLCgW8bgP5lDHK8WhWIlFRzyGE_vZbAyH_&index=14&t=0s dueling vaginas.

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*aren't supposed to work. Too much wine for the infirmities, I'm afraid.

Huh. God was a satirist after all.

>God warning you about used up wine o clock roasties

32 Thus saith the Lord God; Thou shalt drink of thy sister's cup deep and large: thou shalt be laughed to scorn and had in derision; it containeth much.

33 Thou shalt be filled with drunkenness and sorrow, with the cup of astonishment and desolation, with the cup of thy sister Samaria.

>God warning you about roasties murdering their offpspring and putting on cakeface

39 For when they had slain their children to their idols, then they came the same day into my sanctuary to profane it; and, lo, thus have they done in the midst of mine house.

40 And furthermore, that ye have sent for men to come from far, unto whom a messenger was sent; and, lo, they came: for whom thou didst wash thyself, paintedst thy eyes, and deckedst thyself with ornaments,

>But muh Bible is for Christcucks
>Trying to warn you atheist neckbeards about roasties, wine aunts, abortions, and cakeface whores 2000 years ago

If only I had listened.

Yes, makes sense.

Jews weren't funny back then.

Elijah has a holocaust-off with the priests of baal.

John 4:18

The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw. 16 Jesus saith unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. 17 The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: 18 For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.

(beat)

19 The woman saith unto him, Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet.

THOT PATROLLED

>are there any jokes in the Bible
Yeah, the one about the subversive jew who gets necked by his own people and then his buddies claim he was born of a virgin and rose from the dead.
Shits hilarious, even funnier when you take into account that lots of low-cogs actually believe it. Jews are a very comical people.

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Donkey dicks and buckets of cum are in Ezekiel (23:20 to be exact).

Jesus left Israel and went away to the region of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know he was there. Yet he could not escape notice: a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about him, and she came and bowed down at his feet. Now the woman was a Gentile, of Syrophoenician origin. She begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter. He said to her, “Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children’s food and throw it to the dogs.”

-Mark 7

Based Jesus.

When cain says “am I my brothers keeper”, it’s sort of a pun. Hebrew word for shepherd was basically “sheepkeeper”, so he’s saying “what am I a brother keeper now too?!” when god asks him where Abel is.

Here's my favorite funny part of the bible, from Mark chapter 11:

12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14 Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it.

15 On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, 16 and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. 17 And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’[a]? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’[b]”

18 The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching.

19 When evening came, Jesus and his disciples[c] went out of the city.

20 In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Basically, it starts with Jesus wanting a snack, saying "fuck you" to a specific tree, driving the money lenders out of the temple then earning the jewish conspiracy to have him killed all because he was hangry.
Then rather than focus on the events that were now in motion which would cul.inate in Christ's death, Matthew decided that the tree was really the important takeaway here.

paul in response to agitators making an unnecessary issue of circumcision wishes they would go head and cut their entire dick off (paraphrasing)

This is the closest thing to a joke in the Qur'an

"And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys" [31:19]

a lot of the wisdom of the bible is in Hebrew. Christians who take their religion very seriously should study Latin, Hebrew, etc.

dont listen to the atheist mad max wignat retards, we're talking about enormous and vast periods of time here. you can't view these matters through that childish light. and there is a lot of essential wisdom within, if we could realize the full extent of how far off the beaten track we are, we'd make great haste to accommodate more study into it all

The entire bible, both old and new testament, is basically just god saying "What the fuck is wrong with these Jews?" over and over and over again until finally he decides "That's IT. I'm gonna go down there just so I can kill myself so i don't have to deal with these fucking kikes any more."

Oh yeah, forgot about that one kek

God sure loved to fuck around with the Jews. That meddlesome, walking, talking, probably an alien having some fun, God.