Post your military stories, they can be ones that already exist and are famous or your own stories from personal experience or a story someone else told you.
This is probably the board where I'd get most stories I'd find some shit probably in other boards but I'm sure this would be the best place for this thread
>inb4 Simo Hayha
bumpe so people can see my thread
Marine friend told me this one:
>Marinebro and several friends are meeting up to go out for the night and get hammered
>A guy they invited but is known for being retarded (by Marine standards) is the last one to meet at Marinebro's house
>He waddles up like a duck
>"you ok dude?"
>they eventually figure out he has hemerrhoids.
>the dude doesn't know what those are
>Enter the Marine biology/anatomy/sex ed class.
>"Yeah bro you only get them from getting railed in the ass" jokes like that a-plenty.
>Hemerrhoid-bro is getting angry and starts begging for someone to help him.
>Everyone knows what is going to be said next
>"Do you have any IcyHot at home bro?"
>"Yeah! For my back! Will it work on these hemer...hem...hem-rooidszz?"
>(Guy couldn't say hemerrhoids)
>"Yeah bro! The icy helps with the pain and the hot helps them go away! Run home and use it real quick."
>Hemerrhoid-bro runs home to apply IcyHot directly to his anus.
>he leaves and everyone starts cackling
>But he never comes back
>Everyone assumes he figured out he got pranked and stayed home in a pissy mood.
>Next day
>Hemerrhoid-bro walks up normally, is in a great mood.
>"Hey guys! It worked!"
>Marinebro asks "So uh...you put IcyHot on your ass...did it uhm...hurt you?"
>"Oh yeah it hurt so bad I actually saw spots and I think I passed out. But I woke up today...no Hemer...Hemrrrooidz.
top kek
This is probably true, so 8.7/10
>working for the forest service
>Barracks life without the B's of Di's kicking your shit around
>drinking and bullshit storytime occurs
>turns out the engine chief was involved in operation Iraqi freedom
>stuck guarding a bridge in the middle of fucking nowhere because if it gets blown up supply convoys have to take a 5 hour extra detour
>dead of night, can hear a phone out on the bridge ringing
>older phone with physical bells
>brace for impact, no explosion, turn a spotlight
>out in the middle of the bridge is a old ass rotary phone, a earnest of cabling and some kind of crate
>call command
>command calls EOD
>EOD takes till Dawn to arrive
>meanwhile off on the bridge.... Briiiiiiiiiiing...... Briiiiiiiiiiing
>EOD guy shows up in a beat up Tacoma missing the wind screen, half pours out of the truck followed by a couple of empties
>yawns and straps on a flak jacket and walks over
to the crate and phone mumbling something about if it hadn't blown up by now it wasn't going to explode
>crew chief watches from the distance
>eod guy kicks open the crate, pokes around a for a bit before picking up the still ringing phone.
>a short conversation ensues and he walks off shaking his head b back to his truck.
>Chief asked what was up.
>Haji asked if the fridge was running, when I said yes he said I better go ca... THAT GOATFUCKER,..It was a prank call?!"
>EOD angrily climbs back into his truck and shotgunned a fresh 40 before fucking off into the sunrise.
Marinebro has tons of stories. Moar?
>Marinebro gets sent to Iraq around the middle of the war
>Didn't get sent to Falujia (phew)
>Is stationed near some tiny village about 20 miles away
>Is on (I assume) guard/sentry duty.
>Starts seeing sketchy shit happening near the largest house in the village
>4 story concrete building
>Radios it in that people are gathering in front in all black, at 2am.
>Watches a patrol come back into town and set up to search the house
>Most of the people scatter
>Marinebro is told to stay where he is, on top of a small abandoned building
>Watches the other Marines enter the house
>No gunshots. Nothing seems to be happening
>Maybe they scared everyone away
>Marinebro is still scanning the area, but looks back at the big house every few minutes
>About 20 minutes go by and the team clearimg the house is still inside.
>Marinebro sees a quick flash of light going up to the 4th floor
>He can just make out one Marine walking up some stairs
>decides to watch for a bit longer
>*BANG BANG*
>Screaming
>Dude flies out of the 4th floor window.
>Isn't a Marine
>Dude in all black is laying on the street, dead.
>Apparently the single Marine he saw fucked up and kept going up the stairs alone for whatever reason
>He opened the door to the 4th floor and some Kebab was right on the other side
>Kebab shot once, Marine shot once but ended up getting grabbed by the Kebab
>He pushed Kebab out of the window.
>Kebab was shot, and fell 4 stories.
Former Tiger tank commander Otto Carius wrote in his book that he was sitting in his commanders seat looking out of the copula when one of the other crewmembers said something (I think) and he bent his head down to hear better. Just as he did that a Soviet tank opened fire and shot the commanders copula clean off the tank. If he hadn't bent down just at that moment it would have taken his head off as well.
He later writes about a fellow tiger tank where the same thing happens but that commander was still looking throught the copula so he did actually lose his head.
Hey tell em all if u want man
Moar
surprised that no chucklefuck has started posting screencaps that everyone has seen already.
Glorious shit men.
You jinxed it, I guarantee it.
I would mind cause I probably haven't seen them
*I wouldn't mind
Shit that's fucked and actually seems like some call of duty shit that happened in real life
We demand moar
>Be dad
>Airforce
>Deployed in Afghanistan
>every morning medi-choppers come in to drop dead and wounded
>really orangey-red this morning
>chopper pad is right in the way of A-10's for me to work on
>wait there for a good 20-30 minutes
>holy fuck everything is so bright orange red
>choppers done
>they hose down helipad
> they take off and leave
>time for work
>walk across helipad
>boots are wet
>wtfdidIstepin.gif
>boots are soaked in blood
>look at helipad
>realize everything is really dark red
>whole fucking helipad is covered in thin sheet of crimson left behind from my brothers in arms
>mfw
Indeed
Summerfag get out. Reeeee
Le amazing le pepe meme
Yeeeeshh that's wowe
Dude, you okay?
You need a hug?
Nah I need a fug.
Don't worry my friend, we all need one here and there, times aren't always the greatest, and we just need some time to think.
If you're feeling worthl-
wait
>fug
Goddamit
Hey, at least I didn't ask for a sug
Fair enough
Adventures of Marinebro again:
>Is back inna U.S. living on base
>buys a new car (faggot bought a Mustang, new at the time)
>is showing it off to all his friends
>One guy asks to drive it
>Marinebro thinks "Eh, why not"
>Watches the dude pull out of the parking lot and haul ass down a dirt road
>"I have made a mistake"
>Watches the dude drive off, huge cloud of dust, you can still hear rocks pinging against the car
>car is out of sight
>hear a distant boom and glass breaking
>The dude wrapped the brand new (at the time) Mustang around a powerline pole
>Marinebro has man tears well up
>Other marines laughing at him, patting him on the back
>People get in their cars to go find the retard that wrecked his car
>Retard guy has broken ribs and missing teeth because no seatbelt
Fast forward 2 months
>Marinebro goes to a party to celebrate retard's full recovery and new teeth
>Cake decorated like a wrecked car
>Marinebro still lusts for vengeance.
>"No hard feelings man. I'm just glad you're ok. I had the warranty and everything."
>Marinebro goes to the bathroom and shits into Retard's toilet tank (Good Ol' Upper Deck)
>Gets caught by friend
>"Bro. Hold my beer."
>Friend squeezes a small turd out into the tank as well.
>Marinebro and Friend find more people that need to shit.
>Guide them all to their masterpiece
>In total, 7 people pooped in the toilet tank in the hall bathroom.
>Everyone left without saying a word.
Beautiful, and it serves the fucking idiot
That's pretty good, glad I made this thread
>dyedooshka innaafghanistan
>regularly still brushes teeth with vodka
>on patrol with his section, come across a crater kinda place
>look inside
>mujahadeen goat sex and man lovin party
>he has to smack one of the younger soldiers heads into a rock because he won't stop laughing
>set up ambush
>fire vog-25 into the middle, smoke
>grenades are hurled
>open up, slaughter everything
>going through they find a small cave entrance on the side, go to investigate
>muja sitting there terrified, erect dick in hand.
>bring him in for questioning after giving him one of his dead friends clothes
FS user again firsthand story this time
>Be last season
> fuck up the first week and twist my ankle bad enough that I need physical therapy for it
>nearest place for PT is the local marine base
>workman's comp covers it all
> go there regularly use the gym etc, make a few friends
>corpsman responsible for my PT is Mike, nice dude.
>last day of pt, just me, Mike and a random private who's on the treadmill
>a wild drillhat appears yells something about lockerchecks and vanishes into the locker room
>Mike says "fuck it's Jeff....Don't worry user he won't fuck with you"
>the marine jogging on the treadmill starts looking nervous
>a few minutes go by, two more ds's appear, make a beeline for the lockers, laughter can be heard
>first drillhat returns, he has a shiteating grin as he goes for the Marine on the treadmill.
>"Private Brown, are you'se a Brownie?"
>"A what seargent?"
>"I said, are you'se a Brownie, private."
>"Sir, no sir."
>"Then what in the name of celestia's flowing mane did I just find in your locker private?"
>I choose this moment to haughty laugh, half snort as I realize I'm about to see a greentext go down live
>This was a mistake as Drill See Jeff's attention is now squarely on me.
>So was wearing the camo pants I'd got at the base store because cheap camo.
>"Something funny, boot?" His smile, dead, his optimism gone.
>Mike: "Sir he's not a boot."
>"Booooooolshit marine. His boots are bloused properly, his hair is too long and he has a beard, if you're not a boot I will eat my marine green socks! Private brown!"
>"Yes drill sergeant?!"
>"Locker 9, fetch my shaving kit I needed to address this out of reg marine now."
>Mike has abandoned me and is off at the far wall talking on the gym phone.
>Two other drillhat have descended on me, brown is back with Jeff's shaving kit and Jeff is preparing to shave me bald.
>All of a sudden "from the Halls of Montezuma" blares from Jeff's pocket, "Hold that thought, and don't go anywhere boot."
1/2
>Jeff pulls his cell phone out.
>"Drill Searge-"
>Jeff gets cut off almost immediately,
>"WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING? THAT'S A FOREST SERVICE EMPLOYEE NOT A MARINE! DO YOU WANT US TO LOSE OUR PERMIT FOR THE MORTAR RANGE?"
> This goes on for about five minutes, Drill Seargents near me look like someone just pulled out a live grenade, Jeff just looks like a whipped dog.
>Call ends, he spends about three minutes apologizing before eating his sock.
And that's how I almost got shang-hai'd into the Marines.
2/2
I've read this before, the haji prank war thing. There was also something about a rubber chicken I think.
Kek these are good
Good one user
Have you ever rubbed IcyHot on your balls, I once did it on a dare and was the greatest thing ever. I shit you not.
lol did this in basic. also filled a nonlatex glove with shaving cream and tied it off to teach the virgin split ops kids what a vagina feels like
>>Behind Viper DFAC, BAF, '03
>>I get a call, a hajji was injured on the job site
>>I get to the site, and hajji is buck naked, stuck in the porta-john; feet and arms pointing skyward.
>>How did hajji end up in this undignified position?
>>Apparently, hajji was praying to Allah. (Everyone who prays to Allah goes into a smelly porta-john and strips naked.)
>>Hajji forgets the door latch
>>Female soldier opens the door.
>>Hajji screams
>> Female soldier screams.
>>Hajji falls into toilet and gets stuck.
>>Other soldiers take turns opening the door an snapping pictures.
>>Yours truly gets to pull naked, screaming hajji out of the toilet