Meanwhile in the UA/K/ R&D division

what if we made a gun that shoots a big ball of green teleport stuff
and then when upon hit it fires a bunch of invisible tracers that do random damage to everything on sight but only on the direction you were facing when you pulled the trigger?

We shall call it the B.F.G.
(B)ig
(F)abolous
(G)un

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Hey, who's the new guy? Yeah that one, with the rabbit

lmao he has a pet rabbit? what a pussy
bet he wont last five minutes if shit hits the fan

Who the fuck ordered these chainsaws, and why? I don't see a lot of trees here.

Some redneck made like 200 of these. Where should I put them?

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We should stash them all ovet the facility just in case administration cuts our christmas bonuses again

Hey guys, James in programming told me they had to create a program that reads "Demonic Presence Lockdown". Is that something we should be worried about?

Are we talking closets or more like air ducts that only a fucking autist would go digging in?

Have you heard of that one guy who punched an officer and got relocated to this shithole? Where do I get relocated when I punch someone?
Anywhere is better than this fucking station, I heard that some guy from the tech team at the portal started carving pentagrams into his balls and shit.

Surely it is just some autistic description for a hacking attempt, dont worry man.

Is that the same weird fucker that keeps leaving radioactive "armor" shards everywhere?

Say what you want, this shit actually works. I will probably never get kids after using them, but there are no women at this station anyway and you know what they say about Mars. You are here forever man.

Btw, why the fuck are there no women here?

Should we install a camera system so we can make sure the teleport pad is clear before use it?

Nah...

What are you, stupid? Air ducts you friggin moron.

surely he meant daemonic lockdown for the servers, it must've been a type error, besides we never have downtime here.

Anyone else hearing these creepy as hell whisperings at lights out? If its any of you morons then knock it off, I'm already having trouble sleeping from the time longer days on this planet.

the fuck are you talking about? I cant hear shit over the loud music blasting on loop everywhere

How can there be loud music at lights out? I get a write up from having my desk lamp on while I'm writing a journal entry on my pda.

why the fuck would you use a desk lamp while writing on your pda?

>he got assigned to Creepytown duty
have fun not seeing shit friend

I mean, there's anorexic cyborg grandma if you're REALLY desperate

Eye relief

Ok, but if that 10 foot tall cyborg dude rips my arm off for that im gonna sodomize you with one of them

Guys, who are they keeping in that fucking creepy ass coffin with all the chains on it?
I kinda wanna open it

will that "argent" shit cure my ED?

Don't need the extra eye strain looking at a screen in the dark, hear it messes with your natural night vision.

Worth a try. Worst case scenario, your dick comes out tan

Robo-bitch said something about a "Roomba player" I think.

Roomba player?
Man, this station gets fucking weird sometimes. First the random power outages, then the weird whispers near the portal project facility, and now fucking "roomba players" in coffins.
At least i got this cool ass chainsaw from maintenance, though im not sure why they carry it. There's no fucking trees up here.

What's the worst that could happen?

Hey guys, where do i sign up for my team tattoo?

Hey fucking Joey in maintenance took all the guardrails to make some kind of hillbilly fence.

The fuck? Mars is red... but not like fucking Commies . It's only a matter of time before someone falls into some weird goo and melts.

>cancel things
OH LA DEE DAH
LET'S GO AROUND WILLY NILLY CANCELLIN' IMPORTANT PROJECTS! Son the future of the company is riding on those there portals. It takes four damned years toget to Mars without those things. Plasma tech is great for the military industrial complex but the Space Force is cutting back on arms funding and we can't fund THREE FUCKING MARS BASES with green goo shooters. You've got to think forward not backwards. Now we have lost a few techies in portal accidents, and a few limbs did get deposited in the break room, but any new technology comes with risks. Those techies mostly knew about those risks and they signed several waivers to get assigned to that project, so untuck your panties and just deal with the fact that we're bringing the Heavy Excursion Longe-range Load Gate online next month. If you can't deal with that then hand in your resignation and report to the UAC Earth Spaceport for a reassignment.

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Ugh, id pass on that if i were you, the last couple of guys started mumbling shit in their sleep after getting one

Thank God there are no Niggers here.

dude every single heavy weapons specialist in this hellhole is black bodybuilder

I dont remember blacks having bloodshot red eyes though

guys Dr Hyden just slapped my ass in the hallway. it kinda hurt. what do?

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sue him for half his wealth lmao

I dunno man, he sorta owns the entire world's power supply. plus he is in a fucking exosuit.

You know, shit started getting really weird after we started portal testing. One of my friends says that he hears weird whispering when he's alone, and I swear I saw some weird flaming shit flying around not too long ago. Pic related, I snapped a picture before it disappeared.

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I wouldn't worry about it, user.

Hey guys, Olivia said she wants my soul. I don't know what that means but I think she's into me. Should I go for it?

Attention: Per Dr. Olivia Pierce's discretion, you are directed to report to the Advanced Research facility.

go for it user

dude hell yeah

I saw something like that too when I was in the labs. probably nothing. Im thinking about getting a tattoo pretty soon, should I go with the red font, or the black?

Where is the fucking red keycard boys

>the red keycard
there's only one? really? holy shit imagine putting it somewhere and it falling behind a desk or some shit, that'd take hours to find and be such a pain in the ass
what's it for user?

The big red door

Guys, I got an email from corporate saying that I've been selected for the "Revenant" program. Anyone else been through it? What should I expect?

I heard it has something to do with jetpacks, so that's pretty cool

Oh shit thats the future tech program! very nice.

What do I have to do to become a level 3 associate?

Lots of trumpets mostly.

Or that weird green suit of armor that's set in stone next to it? It looks different to the stuff everyone else has. I wonder what's up with it?

Lmao yeah. I bet all the elite guard will fuck some shit up if anything ever happens, those total bad-asses would never die.

Branch manager here, In a recent email from corporate they want to expand our hiring to something more "Diverse" I don't know what this means. But they gave me a box full of candles for what they said was "Diversity
Rituale Romanum." I need some people to set up for this hopefully fun office activity to welcome our new Mars base employees.

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just opened our new shipment, some asshole sent us 5 pallets of chainsaws! what do I do with these? they are useless!

guys I'm seein things and I wanna rip & tear my pants off

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that sounds great! im all for more diversity in the work place. its our strength

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Ay Tone! Where do you want me to put these barrels of hazardous waste?

I dunno, wherever you want?

I'm pretty sure the only place worse than here is hell itself.

Report to advanced research. Herd it full of wack jobs though

Put them in the vents, probably wont be missed anyway

Which one of you assholes put the super turbo Turkey puncher game behind those crates? Fucking autists I swear to God.

>fabulous
what are you, a faggot?
Make the F stand for FUCKIN

Okay, maintenance here, which one of you guys is stashing plastic dolls in the vents all around the facility? It was funny the first couple of times, but now it's just straight a up annoying.

I think it's that weird dude with forced facial expressions that collects it.

Hey guys, I just received a weird transmition, it justs says : "ayy lmao we gon rape you n shiet"
Anybody got any ideas of who it could be ?

Okay real talk? Why did they make us leave all our real rifles back on earth? This PCC that shares mags with our pistol is legitimately worse than our pistol in every way for tight corridors.
I was a bit weirded out when they told us the chainguns shared ammo with our pistols, but it makes sense because low velocity rounds are better on space stations and other airtight facilities to avoid punctures and depressurization...
And I'm perfectly fine with using the shotgun but, if they are really so scared of depress, WHY THE FUCK are goddamn rocket launchers allowed!!?

Hey guys, we have a new pope.

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>Why did they make us leave all our real rifles back on earth?
>needing anything but your hands

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The vents.

Why does this facility get the shitters of the military? Like that dumbass marine who just got transferred here after he beat his commander within an inch of his life.

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Who? Nothing but Marines at this outpost on Diemos, sir.

I'd take doomguy over francis.

The nerds have taken to calling it the Blast Frequency Gun 9000. But thats fucking retarded.
BIG FUCKING GUN IT IS

>not liking the handheld pistol caliber vulcan cannon
It's plenty for keeping the science nerds in check, which is 90% of the population. The ammo isn't the problem since we have these new laminate windows that can stop a rock hitting it them 35 miles per second. I don't know why we even need on-base military out on the moons of Mars, it's not like we're getting invaded by surprise space communists from Jupiter. Most of us are just here for the R&D that they can't legally do on Earth. The rockets are for terraforming and the engineers use those. The better question is why they gave us chainsaws when there are like 20 trees here that aren't in hydroponics.

if any of you see some fat motherfucker eith some flamethrowers, tell me.
fucker stole em from inventory and everyones been riding my ass about letting them out of my sight

GUYS.
DEIMOS IS FUCKING GONE.
It's not showing up on anything, and all comms are not working.

the black dude in yellow armor?
probably on patrol calm your tits

NO.
THE ENTIRE MOON.
IS GONE.

Aye dont forget dem barrels is explosive you should probably put them in da vents, basement, just stick em anywhere

HOLY SHIT THIS GUY ISN'T JOKING

I-I have a brother on Deimos, tell me he's alright please.. my chief won't let me get a sat-com now i'm stuck with this weird stone coffin in R&D.

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Guys, we're getting a distress call from the teleportation lab. I'm not saying it's happening, but grab your plasma rifles, it's happening.

Have fun, your screwed.
>Plasma Rifles
I'm in the ass corner of the phobos base.
I'll I've got is some old Beretta 92 they provided me.

better hide the ammunition separately in case Bob gets into one of our stashes again

Guys Mars facility is starting to lockdown and I hear screams coming from all over comms.
Not sure about you guys with your pcc or handguns but I stashed away one of those heavy assault rifles in good old 50cal.

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Ok boys why is all the ammo scattered all over the base

do you have any idea how much this is going to bite us in the ass if this doesn't turn out to be the techies fucking with us again

God fucking damnit, the happening finally happens and i'm stuck in engineering with all the nerds and explosive barrels. fuck this shit.