Time to put your thinking cap on. You're wanted for some high profile heinous crime...

>be me up tinkering in the shop
>get alert on the laptop of motion at the outer perimeter
>see alphabet boiz ridin heavy with the APC
>excitedgiggle.png
>youtube.com/watch?v=9alGehfUbwk
>activate DIED at gates
>activate noise makers
2 hrs in
>they cut off utilities but generators and fallout bunker make their efforts fail
>overturned APC by the front gate
>the reinforcements have progressed with sporadic casualties to the front yard
>terciary teams have been pinned down and obstructed by automated 30cal browning turrets and booby traps
>the bois try to communicate something abut nobody else getting hurt
>10,000 keks under the blast shielding.png
>control giggling long enough to activate the intercom and tell them im opeing the front door
>lol tannerite door hasn't been opened in years
>watch them cross yard us marines style
>when second fireteam exits i activate the "livingroom window" overlooking the front yard
>first guys make it to door
>they try to breach tannerite
>all force is directed outwards due to 2 feet of concrete and 6 feet of sand bags lining the exterior wall of my home
cont..

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Dig underground tunnels under house, fill house with the loose soil and make berms and cover all door with a foot deep in soil.

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unless we're talking high yield explosives theyre just going to shoot your ass dead if you do anything more than lay down naked spread eagle

life isnt a videogame, you're either surrendering or dying, with or without a bunch of dead cops

>see swat outside
>take a few moments to start blaring shadilay on my computers speakers
>strap both my dogs with flaming molotovs on their sides
>let them charge forth into Valhalla, one is gunned down by the cops and explodes into fiery glory taking a few with him
>my faithful old chocolate lab just meanders outside before laying down in the lawn not giving a fuck
>atf agents execute him in a hail of point blank fully semi automatic fire
>only one bullet hits the molotov killing the nearest atf agent
>I use this time to gather my ammo cans in my room overlooking the street
>don my kilt, war belt, plate carrier, and gas mask with a claymore at my side
>start filling down stairs with hastily made chlorine gas from bleach, ammonia and pine sol
>the first wave comes, the terrible stench of pine sol repels them
>shoot through my crappy American made homes thin walls at the raiding party
>their progress is stifled, but the gas is rising brother
>time to make my final charge
>bolt through the gas cloud covered in wounds with just my claymore
>as I stride forth into the fray I trip on what is left of my dogs flaming corpse
>hit my head on a rock and die

Believe it or not cops usually don’t gun down an unarmed suspect who’s surrendering

You are now trapped in a fridge with a burning flare in your hand.
Well done. That insanity plea is probably going to take.

blow out the pilot lights on the stove, turn the burners on max.
start taking pot shots at the SWAT team until the muzzle blast from my nugget sets the gas off and levels the house.

If we have access to anything in our imagination that seems reasonable, I sporadically huck sticks of lit TNT through various windows of the house to spook them. When the tear gas and initial charge comes, I'm wearing a gas mask and pointing my AA12 illegally modded to be full auto at the only door to the room I'm in and unloading half of my first 100 round drum at the first sign of entry. I may be able to repel wave one that way. Wave two is probably the truck and heavy caliber fire so me surviving wave 1 was like what, 20 mins? Maybe 40 minutes to an hour total if my sticks of TNT scared the hell out of them and they didn't snipe me in the window.

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A little late too start "thinking things through" I'd day

youtube.com/watch?v=l285JDSiOOo
on a tripwire + tunnel to the outside.

in the U S of A they do

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Have large explosives planted all around the house. When team 1 enters the house, crawl into my giant safe with the lock disengaged, close the door, put on my heavy duty construction grade earmuffs and set off all the charges. As soon as the explosions happen, I go running out the back and start zigzagging through neighbor's properties and hopefully lose them through all the confusion of the explosions and jump down a manhole a few blocks away and run for my life. If I did't get sniped or at least spotted doing my mad dash out the back, would them searching through the rubble of my house for a few hours looking for me count as lasting the longest in the house?

i never hoped more for god to exist and have those 2 cops burn in hell for all of eternity getting raped by the devil.

great image

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I enjoyed this one.

>remotely implying

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>throwing dynamite at the cops
Based and Boyd-pilled

>Claymores
>Claymores everywhere in concentric rings out to a hundred yards around the house

I defer to the greatest mind in home defense to ever walk the face of the earth.
Kevin McCallister

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I hide in my tunnel. If you don't have one you're dead when they set the house on fire

I've essentially hollowed out my house and there's a M1A2 SEP loaded and ready to go. I would love to see the faces of the abc crew when they move for forced entry and my tank comes crashing through the wall to meet them.

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The "PULL BACK!!!" callout over the coms when they realize a damn tank is on top of them would be movie script tier comedy.

AA-12 nice. I've daydreamed about putting a mix of rounds in one of the larger drums. Slugs, buckshot, birdshot, and some specialty rounds. At full auto the SWAT team would think there's a group of guys shooting at them.

Blast loud ass heavy metal on my 8.2 speaker set, full volume. Set off 500 blackcat firecrackers tied to each other. Escape through my tunnel while the fuzz try to figure out what's going on.

The second they have you contained you no longer have any say in the length of time you have left.

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God imagine the scunion you could lay down on them in a legally honored self defense scenario when an M1 busts through a wall turbines screaming, turret swinging one way CROW .50 turning the other.

I yell out the window I have the place rigged with explosives, I have a hostage too.

>$2,500 a month
Boogaloo when?

That's patently false. As displayed by the cases where individuals had police in standoffs for hours and even days. Preparation is important, having some big balls is key.

Hostage situation turns this into an entirely different thing. But they'll want proof of a hostage.

>scunion
you're really dating yourself here pops

>That's patently false. As displayed by the cases where individuals had police in standoffs for hours and even days.

Those scenarios only went on as long as they did because of the ROE of the LEOs not because of anything the target did. They could burn you out or blow you up in the first 5 mins or after two days of trying to talk you out. You have no say in it once you allow yourself to be contained.

kekd

Thank God I spent that 5k on that realism sex doll.

perfectly safe from nukes though

You will eventually lose, as you are not going to defeat the mounting opposition to you provided by our dear old government. But you do have an opportunity to make this situation last as long as you can. Coming out with your hands up ends it instantly. Poking a double barrel sawed off out the window and firing a few rounds extends that time. Pointing a .50 cal at the door and ripping a few rounds extends it even more. You are conflating the eventual result of you losing (yes law enforcement is absolutely going to win and they are going to more than likely choose the delivery of your loss), with your ability to influence the outcome.

srsly kys

Everyone knows life isn't a videogame... but we play video games occasionally for fun. Just like we can play this thought game for fun.

Chill out with your seriousness in an obvious joking hypothetical scenario.

The SWAT bois are going to try to make simultaneous entry at the front and rear doors, so I'm going to set up a large Punji Pit at the side gate so the poor suckers who are assigned to the back door get a stinky surprise.

For the team at the front door, I'll be the first person to successfully execute playing the "brown noise" and again, a stinky surprise.

Now while A&B teams are dealing with human feces of both their own and my making, I assemble at the top of the stairs waiting for them to regroup. They'll surely try again and I'll be ready.

Once the man in the front of the stack winds up about 3/4 of the way up the stairs I drop a bag of marbles so the whole team falls and slides back down to the landing. I run down the upstairs hallway to where I've already cut out a section of floor and installed a fireman pole. Once the invading alphabet bois deal with the marbles and make it up the stairs, I'm already sliding down at the other side of the house.

I run out the back door which they have uncovered thanks to my punji pit and I run out into the woods in the back of the house.

32 round drum is the largest for the AA-12. Still a lot of lead to deliver, but definitely not 100 rounds.

>Home Alone 5: The Boogaloo

>I run out the back door which they have uncovered thanks to my punji pi-
>CRA-KOOOOW
>user's head no longer exists

Call it the "pew pew platter".

Bahahaha. Welcome to the jungle blaring on the loudspeakers.

John, why do you have a tank in your living room?

You're asking too many fucking questions Chuck.

This, but I'd try to negotiate a peaceful exit for my dog first.

First I would put coat the lower level of the domicile in tar then hose down the front steps overnight so SWAT mobility is hindered by black ice. Then I would mount static defenses at the rear entrance with any on-hand hardware, such as a propane fueled blowtorch triggered by the door. I'd also consider rigging door handles to prevent covert entry, for instance by super heating them with on hand electrical equipment such as a bbq starter. Then I would stand guard with nonlethal weaponry ready to fire upon any that attempted entry. If they breached outer defenses I would fall back to the upstairs of the house. I would have rigged light switches with kinetic traps to maintain visibility advantage, and placed makeshift caltrops at the no-man's land at the base of the stairs. After taking a few potshots, I would retreat out of line of sight forcing the intruders to ascend the stairs, whereupon I would drop heavy objects onto the stairs to hinder their ascent and perhaps inflict blunt force trauma. If they were still functional at that point, I would defend by proxy by releasing various poisonous animals to attack the assailants, which my co-inhabitant breeds as recreation. If all else fails, I would abandon the domicile to lure SWAT onto the street by pretending to be caught, where my neighbor had prepared an ambush.

A handful of serious fuckups out of millions of interactions with police every year...big think.

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only works if you're home alone though

Il call antifa and tell them illegal immigrants are inside. They will make a human wall around my house and stall for a little while.

>for a little while
20 seconds? The swat team is going to drag them by their ankles and throw them in the truck with you for aiding.

>another fucking last stand thread

are you all just suicidal or what

I have a hydroponic misting system all around the perimeter of the house connected to motion sensors ready to pump out Lofentanil-DMSO mist all over any entry team. I hope they brought lots and lots of narcan otherwise it's over quickly and pretty boring for me.

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Flashlight make it looks like he's shouldering a mini-RPG

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Chekd and kekd

Honestly I think your best option at that point would either to have been gone already or some kind of exit tunnel dug underground.

Active hundreds of strobe lights hooked up in unison. Active huge stereo playing Benny hills remix theme song and put on my sumo suit drenched in cooking oil. Commence boogaloo.
Song related right here
youtu.be/NupY265RSfI

Set my house on fire so they can't do it themselves.

>new house is a 450 sq ft concrete slab shit hole with rotting wood walls and a hole in the roof
They could drive right through with an MRAP and squish me like a bug.
Hell, they could do it with a fucking Corolla. Anyways, plan is:
>rig door to explode when they breach it, probably just as much tannerite as I can buy
>fortify the area directly to the side of my toilet, which has a grwat view of the front entrance
>Magdump my AK til the house collapses
I give myself about 4 minutes tops.

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Has anyone ever got a SWAT team to surrender?

>not taking his dog to valhal with him
cuck

Only temporarily

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>Become big name celebrity online
>Suddenly the #1 beloved celeb in the country
>Hold self hostage
>?????
>SWAT team leaves

OR

Dress up as one of the Clintons, they wouldn't dare try arresting you then.

>Not realizing they're going to just light his house on fire.

Strap yourselves in joy is cause this is gonna be a wild ride

>Be me
>Live in house in the middle of the woods
>Private land stretches for miles
>The size will come in handy
>Build house in clearing with forest all around
>Build pitfalls all around my house in a mideval most style
>Under that and about a football field out from the edge bury explosives
>A fuck ton of explosives
>Enough to rival that whole Tianjin incident in 2015
>Build tunnels, most of them dead ends, only one leads away from the house
>Set up auto turrets in the windows, 2 on each side of the house
>Enough bullets to allow me time to make my escape
>After the turrets run out give them an uninterrupted entrance into the house
>Inside is a Labrynth
>Empty rooms and rooms filled with my literal shit
>Last room in the back of the house
>Set it up so that they have to go there last
>Dildos
>Everywhere
>Ceiling, walls, piles on the floors
>And one computer that says "Look Up" on it
>And on the ceiling it says
>"Get Cucked"
>At this point in time I have already slithered my pre oiled body down my tunnel like a worm down to the dirt bike hidden in the woods and proceed to ride it to the little hidden hangar with my Cessna 172 sitting there fully fueled ready and waiting
>All 300 tb of my hentai and incriminating evidence have been uploaded off site to a hidden harddrive
>As I am taking off slathered in olive oil one of the biggest non nuclear explosions in history goes off, vaporizing every living thing within a mile radius

That's what you get for shooting my dogs you fucks

Forgive me if I hesitate to trust the tender mercies of the Olympic Infant Flashbanging Team.

>put on my heavy duty construction grade earmuffs
You really have no idea what that kind of intense, full-body vibration does to you, do you? Earmuffs might save your hearing, but all the liquid in your meatsack sloshing around at once wouldn't leave you in much of a position to "go running out the back and start zigzagging through neighbor's properties and hopefully lose them through all the confusion of the explosions and jump down a manhole a few blocks away and run for my life."

>perimeter buzzer goes off
>look at camera, I'm not expecting anyone
>hellofedboy.jpg
>bar the doors, put on kit
>prime the napalm charges in the walls
>they can't waco me if I waco them first
>move to the basement as they're stacking
>move to the tunnels as they're busting down the door
>we charlie now boys
>detonate napalm
>scurry away underground

Preemptive strike. Take out electrical transformers and take out fuel lines.

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>Lofentanil-DMSO
I see this meme so often. Where the fuck are you guys getting lofentanil? Is their some Jow Forums tier doctor just handing out lethal drugs to austists in the hopes that one day hell get to see someone use them on the news?

You synthesize it yourself

How?

You think I'm gonna tell a glownigger like you how easy it is to convert junkie tier street fentanyl into radtastic fed countermeasure Lofentanil?

Fuck you zoom zoom.

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Seems like the hardest part he is just acquiring fentanyl. Wouldnt it just work without synthesizing?

It's about potency, Lofentanil is stronger than carfentanyl

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Why would I want to live?
>Detonate 55 gallon drum of Tannerite and nails

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An entire compund of people with stockpiles of guns and ammo got the feds to withdraw for a few hours and they were murdered for it.

>Dress up as one of the Clintons, they wouldn't dare try arresting you then.
Comey and/or Obama would be calling in favors left and right at that point.

I don't care what swat rolled up with, they're calling reinforcements in for that one.

>pulling a dorner

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You can't corner the dorn.... oh wait you can do exactly that and then light him on fire...

>Be me
>Praying to Jebus like the good Christian boy I am
>Suddenly, the perimeter alarm goes off
>ohhellofedboy.jpg
>Wait patiently to spring my trap
>They finally bust in
>Every entrance and exit immediately locks down trapping them in here
>Meanwhile the nigger rigged fire extinguishing system begins spraying dmt on everyone in the building
>I switch the lights to strobe mode and turn my house into a rave, complete with the drugs
>I jump out of the nearby closet dressed only in a jock strap and with a gas mask on completely lubed up in olive oil
>Those many months of meticulously studying Greco Roman wrestling will come in handy
>As the feds are tripping on medical grade dmt I am taking them down one by one slowly making my way to the hidden trap door behind my fridge
>Crawl through the hidden tunnel out in the middle of nowhere
>I have successfully escaped and can now start a new life on a remote island selling hentai

>No Minotaur in Labyrinth
0/10 are you even trying?

>Lofentanil is stronger than carfentanyl
>Carfentanyl
But is it is stronger than Steamrollerfentanyl or Ambulancefentanyl?

Dude this OP is regarded don’t humor him. If you really are bad enough you are getting burned out (Dorner-style “toss the burner” or they will bomb you with a drone. Aint nobody got time fo dat

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>A handful of serious fuckups
Literally hundreds a year.

Pussy shit when compared to tankfetanyl and aircraftcarrierfetanyl

Live stream pls, I need to see this happen

What about roaddarollafentanyl