Depression, sadness, despair, hopelessness, existential dread thread

Usually whiskey but tonight its just wine Im giving my stomach lining a break

I just watched a sad film which has now therefore triggered all the thoughts associated with sadness. This usually lasts for a few weeks before I can even consider doing anything like playing vidya again.

I, too, am feeling it rather hard tonight.

>tfw developing anxiety in an actual, clinical (i.e. having panic attacks, worrying about shit I rationally know to be out of my control/small time) on top of my already present depression
Unrelated but I really feel a deep connection with Kierkegaard. You guys should read his story, he was a robot before his time and struggled with anxiety (in the actual sense), despair, and depression.

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I think I'm starting to develop anxiety as well. Thanks for the recommendation, always wanted to check his stuff out but I was intimidated since I'm not familiar with philosophy. Might give it a go now though.

Not feeling good, but I could be feeling worse. For some reason it feels like time is all fucky for me lately, like it's both going extremely quickly yet so slow. Everything I do lately just falls out of order in my mind, I'll check a Jow Forums post thinking I made it an hour or two ago, but it'll turn out I made the post 35 minutes ago, yet in my head it feels like I legitimately made it hours ago and the times are displaying wrong.

I got drunk last night, can still remember the entire night, yet trying to think about it today makes it feel like I was awake for 4-5 more hours than I actually was. It's like my brain has completely forgotten how to organize memories.

Just hit a nice batch of suicidal ideation. Coasting and trying to not think about anything or hurting myself. Just got done with watching Mr. Robot, anybody have anything to reccomend?

I suggest Concept of Anxiety or Either/Or rather than something like Fear and Trembling since that one is more to do with God and man's relationship to Him.

Alcohol just makes me feel genuine physical pain now. It's like this week, things have just changed for some reason. Time has been passing really quickly and it freaks me out. I've been more depressed than usual. Sorry if this is hard to understand I'm sperging out

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Does anyone know how to hire a hitman? (On myself ofc)

I tried my best brobots, but it's evident that I'm going to be a kv for my entire life, there's this fucking kid in my class and he seduced a girl (who I also like) with the tips I gave him (and don't work for me) I want to fucking die.

So far I've been plunging myself into my career just so I can forget.
But I fear one day I will wake up and realize it was all for naught and has no meaning in the greate scheme of things.
How am I supposed t ocope with that?

Something depressing or lighthearted?

I know that feeling man. I think my kidneys are failing. I had a dream last night that I shot a load of pure blood. Atleast I hope it was a dream. I honestly can't differentiate the two anymore

You cope by having healthy relationships...something most of us can't do, which is one of the big factors.

Doesn't matter so long it's good

I don't understand existential dread. Your experiences are real to you, therefore they are of the utmost importance. You are the universe. Once you stop existing, everything dies.

Hackers (1995)

Im doing fine, but I think you should try to take a week off from vidya/Jow Forums/alcohol/whatever the fuck it is you do and try listening to music or just watching a show

I'm sort of in the same situation. I don't drink but I used to love eating junk food to make me feel good but now everything tastes so bland and there's literally no enjoyment. At least I'll stop gaining weight. Ditto about time passing by really fast, it's really frightening

Okay I guess. Leaving my toxic company next Wednesday and I have some money saved up so I'll be fine financially for a while, but idk if this will be my turning point where I get used to NEETdom and I end up spending the rest of my life shut off in a room somewhere.

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I'll give it a shot, thanks user

>felt fine all day
>literally one thing went wrong
>next thing I know I'm telling the customer service lady on the phone shes a dumb cunt and I wished her entire family died in a bus crush

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Don't blame modern society for why you're a fuck up, most people do just fine, if it wasn't modern times you'd still be a fuck up,just admit you're the problem

what kind of pain? I get stomach pain when I drink, my liver is getting beat up according to doctor, but aside from a binge here and there I have never been a heavy, consistent drinker. 28 btw

And you're totally normal coming into the thread for "depression, sadness, despair, hopelessness, existential dread," lol.

I just smoke weed while taking some opi or benzos to get away from feeling those feels

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>I get used to NEETdom and I end up spending the rest of my life shut off in a room somewhere.
Hey, that's me!
Haha, don't worry, it'll only be soul crushing whenever you're not deeply distracted by something, and if you're lucky you'll become numb and not feel anything at all!
Doesn't that sound swell, user?

You'll pull through various anons. I'm not going to bullshit you like clueless normies. Most normies will tell you that everything will get better soon. It won't

You'll probably wake up feeling shit tomorrow, and the next day, and so on. But just because it won't get better overnight or anytime soon doesn't mean it won't ever. One day, maybe in a few weeks, maybe a few months, maybe a year, maybe longer.... You'll wake up and think fuck it, I no longer care enough to ldar... I'm gonna get up and make the best of this shit life.

From there you'll gradually get better, until you feel like a different person. Hell you'll BE a different person. Then life will feel less shitty and by the time you realise it, you'll be on your way to recovery.

it catches up with you

Yeah it caught up with me currently. I need to smoke more or ingest more mg to get high now. I think I'm going to take a week break to make my tolerance go down..

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>don't want to go to sleep because I'm just going to have the same nightmares again
Anyone else have experience with reoccurring dreams? How do I make them stop

I want to add to this:

Own the sadness. It will never go away. It will be a black abyss, swirling where your heart should be; sucking all the light and life out of your existence. You have to accept that this is a part of you and move forward anyway. We are sadness. We are the nightmare. We are despair. Only by accepting this can we survive.

This might have actually helped me... thank you

here is some feels music
youtube.com/watch?v=snhkO-c-S0

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i fucked up the link sorry youtube.com/watch?v=snhkO-c-S0c

I can't relate to this place anymore. It's been destroyed. I have nowhere to go and nobody gives a shit. I'm going to follow ksg user's path soon.

Love that album, never gets old. Listen to this one if you haven't, user

youtube.com/watch?v=JCm1cLYt_8s

My bitch roommate attacked my gf and placed a temporsry reatraining order a d battery charge on me

I prepared for this and have a wealth of evidence, video and otherwise, including video of the attack.

I talked to the police detective earlier and he said im basically good on the battery charge

Things will get better user

Thanks for sharing. Here is another feels album. youtube.com/watch?v=rQSqQkMwDik

I'm honestly so tired of being mentally ill. I'll admit, I fucked my brain up using drugs to cover up the minimal amount of anxiety and depression I had before. It was such a cake walk back then. The amount of suffering I experience on a daily basis now is so ridiculously bad I can barely formulate an analogy that can fits it well. The closest thing I can come to is that it feels like being water boarded mentally. I keep drowning then getting pulled up for a few seconds, then back to drowning.

wonder why i'm scared to just end it all.

Not very good user, I have to decide when to call CPS and risk the future I planned. I wish I had a gun or a way to get N... I'm so sorry you feel this way too, user. I feel for you, life is cruel.

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I have not resorted to alcohol or drugs yet, which is good, but I fear that I will need to soon.

Why not suicide?

I hope it was a dream... I feel for you, user

What's stopping you? Like seriously, try to think of a single reason why you haven't done it yet. Is it because you're afraid of the impact it will have on those around you? Is it because you fear you might fail at it and be caught in the act?

Today makes me want to pull a Shuahiby

Things are not going so great. It's getting harder and harder to leave my dorm room and my grades are getting worse and worse. Maybe the college life is not for me, but I think I'd be just as miserable anywhere else.

What kind of classes are you taking? Why are your grades so low?

I am in all GE or liberal arts classes. My grades are bad because, if I had to guess, I'm just not as smart as the other people in my classes.

nah we're adapted to living in migrating bands where everyone knows each other and has each other's backs. Robot characteristics could only emerge in a social organisation alien to fundamental human characteristics.

How do i get over the feeling thar I never signed up for the endless competition of life.

In my opinion, classes and grades aren't about being smart enough. They're about effort. Do you think you put in enough effort? If not, why?

There's only one solution and you know exactly what it is.

I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!
I FUCKING MY SELF!!!
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING!!!
MY LIFE IS LITERALLY PATHETIC AND DEVOID OF HOPE, I WAS DOOMED TO BE THIS DAY SINCE THE DAY I WAS BORN, I REALLY WANT TO FUCKING DIE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

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I'm not sure I agree with that. It seems to me that every person can do better if they try harder, but not that every person will succeed if they try harder. That being said I have been slacking. I guess it's because I don't really see the point in working hard to get a job, to work hard, to die, and being lonely the whole time.

Yeah, I'm sort of in the same boat, except I'm learning a trade in college rather than taking a bunch of boring GE classes. I'm having fun with it now, but I know that the future won't be any fun, especially with how painfully lonely I am. I don't even know how to talk to people or make friends. I'll likely end up shotgunning my face off in a couple of years.

The coping mechanisms i used to have (music, movies, videogames, porn)
Are all exhausted.
Nothing gives me joy anymore.

I've fallen so far down I'll never get back up. I have such a disconnect with myself and the real world. It feels like life is a movie that I'm watching. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with it. My anxiety is so bad I ignore the few people who actually care about me and try to talk to me. I've dropped out of college and don't have the motivation to get a job. I feel like a waste of human life. I wonder if I should just give up everything all together and end it.

How does reality feel to you?

We can relate...

just too low, i keep on by only ever screaming in my head. Don't want to die anymore tho, no real reason.

What humans (if any) do you interact with in real life?

Some days are better than others but the oh man am I lonely. If my family wasn't around and caring I would be way more likely to commit suicide. As things are, though, I feel a little bit trapped.

Some times it feels like nothing is real. I feel like I'm just sitting back while everything is happening around me. I get lost in my own mind and fade into a feeling of nothingness

As always just can't wrap my head around existence. Why the fuck are we here? Does any of this mean anything? Does it all just go into an eternal dreamless sleep when we die? It terrifies me to my core, and I can't seem to just make peace with it.

This is gonna make me sound like a sociopath, but I'll say it anyways. Life is observed through only one perspective: yours. Meaning that once you're dead, your family's grievance won't be perceivable to you at all. Once you kill yourself, there are no more problems. Every single problem you could ever think of completely ceases once you die.

I once felt just like that for about a week. How long have you felt like nothing is real?

You're here because your parents had sex. Consciousness is just the chemical result of all the weird brain cells sending information between themselves. Once the brain is destroyed, there is no perception. Everything turns into undefined, and everything will be over.

I honestly can't remember I time where I didn't feel like this

The only reason i have not an heroed is because i feel like there are a few people who still give a shit and there is someone i give a fuck about too. Although i will prbly off myself in like 4 years. Ill be sure to stream it so dont worry.

Heavy nostalgia and sad feels just hit me. I don't want this OP, things aren't supposed to be like this, I don't belong in this time. I just want to be a teen again, goofing off with my friends and going to school. God I miss it all so much I'm bawling like a bitch now, remembering the cool morning air, the faces of friends haven't thought of in years, old teachers and fun times. This isn't where I belong, I just want to go back.

I'll be dead in less than 4 years, so you'll be the one who watches my stream, actually.

I feel the same way. I literally can't see myself living longer than 5 more years

Shit well goodluck and godspees user. If u know u will die or have it planned at least live like its ur last day everyday.
I am already ruining my life i.e. started smoking,drinking sometimes and shit. I will prbly liveatream it from my car as i am going 200 on the highway crashing and ending it painlessly maybe taking out a familly of normos.
Anyway I hope i see u some day on r9k again posting stream link

Disable your airbag and don't wear a seatbelt.

Gonna have an old college buddy sleep at my place after we do stuff tonight. Kind of nervous about it, what if he doesn't like me and what if we don't have stuff to talk about?

I also have to wait 3 weeks to see the girl I love. That really sucks. Good news is that we're gonna spend the summer together.

Next week I need to write my university essays, and that's gonna be a pain in the ass. The last batch I wrote on holiday in Prague and I got fairly high grades on them, so now that I'll be writing them from home they should be even better.

I think I'm getting addicted to cigarettes, but they mellow me out so god damn much. I'm a lot less nervous after I had a smoke, and it feels fucking amazing if you're drinking.

There's this other girl also who I might hit it off with. I'm not sure if I stand a chance because she only seems to message me to bitch about her friends, and our conversations are seriously boring. The thing with my gf is long distance right now, so I could do with a girl who's here and who nobody knows about. It's nice to cuddle with a warm body before sleep.

Nice quads and yeah i will. Thats prbly the only thing that motivates me to get my drivers licence.

wow that sounds bad
could you explain how it happened?

I'm just so fucking over everything. I'm done with having this nagging part of my brain constantly point out everything that's wrong or bad about me. My self-esteem is in the negatives at this point, and I generally feel like the people I like would be better off not having me around. And I'm tired of being nervous of fucking everything; yesterday I waited 20 minutes extra to use the bathroom just so I could avoid running into one of my parents.

I feel like I'm not even a person anymore. I'm just pretending to be a semi-functional human-being when instead I've spent so long being a lazy, apathetic coward that I've lost everything that used to make me me. I'm tired of living with these thoughts.

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How about you grow up and stop being such a little bitch?

I've been a neet for a while. Recently got a job at a fucking slaughterhouse. I have a feeling this either going to be shit or kinda interesting.

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I don't even feel sadness most of the time. Just empty and uninterested. I've realized nothing I do really matters in the long run and I don't even care. I slog through weeks of apathy and endless repetition without a way out in sight.

I know why am I like this. But after you get to think in a certain way you just can't come back to being normal.

I know how you feel, user. I was only thinking the other week about how I'm pretty much just an automaton, passing the time doing nothing because it's like I've forgotten how to enjoy anything.
Pick something you used to enjoy and just force yourself to do it. I hadn't listened to music properly for almost a year, so I started doing it again even though I really didn't want to, now after a couple of days it's becoming something that I actually sort of want to do. It has made me feel at least a little bit better.

I'm just a poor fucking excuse of a waste of air really, completely empty and sedated with pills, liver is probably shit by now too.
Could not give less of a fuck if the world ended tomorrow.
I'm basically dragging myself trough the days and years in the hopes that I die in my sleep one day

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>I've never felt worse in my entire life

Sounds about right tonight

Everything just gets worse

I started drinking to numb my mental and physical pain, but it's dawned on me that I have to go back to work tomorrow. I've had enough to where if I fall asleep, I'll no doubt sleep through my alarm. Now my only option is to keep myself awake and go to work tomorrow. I know it was stupid, I should have been more aware of my schedule. I just wanted to drink and try to enjoy a film, but I couldn't even do that responsibly. I guess now I'll be on Jow Forums for the next five hours before I have to leave. I'm kind of drunk right now too. That was a really fucking bad idea. I just wanted to have fun but I got carried away. I fucking hate myself, I hate my life. I just want to be left alone and stay in my room but it's impossible.

when I was around 17 I started smoking weed which eventually led to taking acid,shrooms and finally mdma (all within the same year). One night after taking around four E pills and drinking I awoken the next morning with a strange sensation that I was in a dream. Its been 7 years since then and I still have it. It has a name "depersonalization" but there is no known cure for it yet, and you basically have to learn to live with it and hope it goes away or find some medication combination that will get rid of it.

the closest thing I can compare it to is like being extremely sleep deprived (brain fog, lack of concentration etc) along with feeling like your about to have an out of body experience. Its hell.

>tfw 2 of the wojaks I made wind up in the same thread

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Thank you for making these wonderful images. I love you

t-thanks for the kind words user

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I really hate myself this year because last year must have been my laziest year ever. I spent the first half of last year working on my LinkedIn, Monster, and USAJobs profiles, working on my resume, applying for jobs, going to job interviews... except I really only went to maybe two or three interviews, got rejected, and then I deleted all of my profiles, my resume, and changed my phone number. I was pretty pissed off, depressed, and paranoid. I then spent the second half of the year doing essentially nothing but play video games.