Another feels thread

Remember when you were like 13 and really angsty and you just woke up angry? I wish I could go back, now i just wake up depressed.

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Page 10 without a reply? No Feel thread should be left behind. Share your feels with user, I know you're lurking.

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I remember waking up angry, and going into middle school with my messy greasy hair and observing everyone with anger, hearing their dumb conversations only to become more upset

this hit close to home. the only way i can wake up happy is if my dog has come upstairs which shes not allowed to do. mornings are just a blind struggle to find my pills and make coffee. then the coffee hits and i have to put on the smile to let everyone know shits alright.

i miss the olden days. time flies so fast, faster with each blink. being awake hurts, but sleeping is rarely possible. sometimes i wonder why i still try, but i remember im hoping that the future will change things, but i know thats futile and im blinding myself with false hope. its a rough ride. sometimes i want off. most of the time i want off.

I work as a programmer for a failing company. I'm not even a real programmer, just pressed into the role because I know how to code even though I hate it. I am probably the only one in the company who ended up specializing in only things I hate doing; every time I request to do something else I get told that there isn't enough funding to hire someone else to do it, and I will have to "for the team". Meanwhile everyone else gets assignments they (and I would) enjoy and can pretty much switch tasks at will. Management also wants to trap me in my shitty role: they intentionally block me from attending trade conferences to promote the company. Shit like this has been happening for my entire time there.
I make the main product that the company uses to interact with customers. There is a "real" programmer on the team, but nobody has any idea what the fuck he is doing (he has produced literally nothing we can use, is behind schedule, and is paid more than our supervisor for fucks sake), yet upper management loves him. I dread coming to work every morning to find out what went wrong, real or imagined. Nobody remembers any of the documentation or the specifications, nor do they bother to read it even when it is directly shown.

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Shit like this happens all the time:
>assigned task
>I do task and report it as done
>sometimes do little demo, things get documented, sometimes actually use thing...
>manager forgets everything
>1 month later
>manager mad at me for "not completing work"
>show result of task again
>manager acts like it's brand fucking new
An episode like this was used as justification to cut my pay because the company is running low on cash.
I take all the blame for anything they believe is wrong whether or not it is real; they literally yell at me sometimes. My only role in the company now seems to be the designated scapegoat: to promote themselves others even openly joke that the program fails or has bugs because I walked into the room, or intentionally vaguely describe small bugs and mistakes to my/our supervisors to let them "fill in the blanks" with their minds to make the bugs sound worse than they really are.
I've had a major panic attack at work, and a couple of minor ones afterwards. I'm so anxious now that I go to bed at 9PM, exhausted even after doing nothing all evening due to lack of energy. My friend and mentor at work says I should take time off during the evenings and weekends to de-stress, but I literally have no energy to, not to mention I functionally have no weekends due to family obligations. I can't take this anymore.

>I work as a programmer for a failing company.
I sincerely wish you well user. There is nothing worse than knowing your livelyhood is bound to fail. Stay strong man, you are worth it.

I don't thinkI ever woke up angry when I was a teenager. I was too busy waking up sad and/or anxious
>tfw nothing's changed since
Also that feel when you suddenly feel fear for no reason

I have an interview for another non-programming job later this month. I don't know if I could survive until then and the hellish 2 weeks after.

This, was never angry at anything but myself and i ususally just expressed iy with depression. Pretty much nothing has changed except I'm aware of my self-destructive habits and instead of the morning depression it's more of a morning existential crisis/panic attack.

>Remember when you couldn't sleep the day before Christmas because you were excited about the gifts
Now I can't wait to sleep and I want to sleep all days

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>Boss tells me to take a vacation
>Try to tell her I don't want a vacation
>She tells me I need a work/life balance
>Tell her I literally have no life outside of work and that I'm going to spend all my time drinking until I blackout and wishing I was at work instead so I can at least pretend to be productive
>Didn't matter, still forced to take a vacation
>Now I get to spend 9 days sitting alone in my bedroom, jerking off and drinking until I blackout
Fucking joy.

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The one time I took a vacation, the week after I graduated college, my boss asked me why I couldn't be productive like *other employee* instead of celebrating for a week.

I literally have not had one in 2 fucking years.

I wish I could just fucking go back to my youth. I feel like everyone I know are too infatuated with themselves to acknowledge my existence or virtue signal about how they're trying to help me. I think only two people I know from school actually make time for me and my faggotry

my violent intrusive thoughts are getting worse
and my impulse control is getting weaker
crime seems less taboo to me
i need help

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AHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUUCCCKKKK
KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME
its one of those feels

I made some bad decisions with the girl I used to love, she wanted me, I did too, but things got bad after college, we weren't a couple as she said she wanted time and I said I'd wait for her, but then I met other girls and they made me realize how hollow she was.
I grew tired of her, to the point she made me burst out in rage one day prior to my birthday, I "dumped" her, in the meanest, stupidest way possible. And I regret it, not the outcome, but the way I did it, now I feel guilty, 'cause even to this day, she's still angry at me and that happened almost a year ago. And I'm concerned about her, she made me wait so much because another faggot made her suffer so much before me, I had to repair the damage before I could try anything else, and now I'm worried that I caused the same situation again, making her more miserable in the process, making her not wanting to engage any relationships with another guy just because of what I did to her. She was my best friend, I really loved her, but things changed, and we were not compatible anymore. But I can't help but feel bad for her, she used to meant the world for me, now I'm afraid I made her bad, because we really had history behind us.

I used to have hopes and dreams, I used to think I'd achieve something big, make the world a better place, be a great doctor that helped people get better. I would be happy.

Now I'm unable to function socially, am depressed to the point of suicide, and can't find joy in anything. Now when I dream it's either a recurring vision of all my failures or me ending my life. I don't know how much longer I can take this, honestly it feels like no one cares. Most days I think I'd be better off dead and save everyone the trouble.

>tfw when homeschooled until 5th grade
>tfw skip a grade
>become 'the smart kid' at church, school, family, cub scouts etc.
>everyone has high hopes
>go into high school and start to struggle
>grades steadily drop, lose any kind of passion or drive
>everyone keeps saying 'when you get a great job' or 'when you find a wife and settle down'
>everyone still thinks I'm smart
>everyone had such high hopes

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Remember when you actually had things to look forward to in life? Or when you had people that loved and tried to support you, instead of shun and be constantly disappointed at you?

Had a pretty harsh night. I work my ass off in welding school like I always do just to leave in defeat again. What made it worse tonight was that on my way home from class, I had two different cars, a 2013 Mustang and a Hummer, illegally drive around me and my 22 year old vehicle because I wasn't going 70 miles in a 45 mile speed limit road. It was as if they were bragging about all that they had that I was working so hard to get.

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>you're so smart user
>user is goning to find the cure for cancer
>he is a lot like Einstien
my Mother said all of these. She set me up only to dissapoint myself. every. fucking. day. my Brother was right the whole time. I am nothing but an idiot. I can't even breed, so the wagecuck life is out the window. I despise the fact that I was even born in the first place.

this sums up my life perfectly, thank you user