Depression thread

twenty eight years

Do you have anything you like doing outside of watching tv or video games? Music, art, exercise etc?

>feeling OK about self
>accidentally turn on phone in selfie mode
>self esteem crushed in under .5 seconds

I DONT WANNA BE A FREAK ANYMORE

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>What happened to make you feel that way, or is it just random?
The little things just started building up and my own retarded thoughts just keep making it all worse. I've lost all determination because it just seems fucking stupid, like I've been delusional when thinking about the result of trying to change for the better. The more and more I think about it without just imagining some fantasy result, the more I think that committing to changing properly will just result in so many more issues that I truly might as well just wait for the happiness I've got now to disappear and then kill myself.

Anyone got sad stories about their loves they wanna share?

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>Tfw

"I've been delusional when thinking about the result of trying to change for the better."
Would you mind expanding on this?

Having issues with changing is an issue in and of itself. You're always going to have problems when you do new things, but dealing with the same old problems because you refuse to change will make you feel even worse in the long run. It's a good first step to mess up when trying new things. I know that sounds somewhat backwards, but just messing up with something new is somewhat of an accomplishment. Try figuring out what you did wrong or ask someone for help in it and you'll be surprised with how you do in the future.

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no, and the tv and video games arent distracting me as much as they used to, which means i either do work to pass the time or just sort of wander round looking for work to do

What do you do for work? You should find something to do in your free time. Even something as generic as picking up guitar or piano is good.

Maybe, um it went from alcohol to pot to now both for me to play video games or listen to music and enjoy it. I'm hesitant to say I'm depressed though or have anxiety cause people always say everyone self-diagnosis these. I'm worried about a therapist getting mad if I go and waste their time.

I think I'm either depressed or just a sociopath bc I can't feel literally anything ecksdee

currently at college doing a course which i find boring, exhausting and overall pretty shitty. i can't leave the course because it's my last chance at free education (uk), but i don't want to continue the course for the remaining year and a bit. it's draining me mentally and i have to muster up so much energy to be able to get a single task done because of how little it interests me.

my only friend in the course dropped out and now I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots, they're all so monotonous and try way too hard to be cool, leaving them looking rather stupid most of the time

during my mental drop ive managed to push away all the friends I've made in the last couple years

i haven't been on this board in years, but the void that I'm feeling in my heart and mind needs to be filled with something, otherwise i feel like I'm just going to off myself

the only reason i feel like I haven't yet is because of my pets and my weed, as i feel my family would probably be able to move on better without me

i just don't wanna be here, lads... im either gonna kill myself or join the infantry and give the illusion of dying a hero

You should go to a therapist, user. If you need alcohol or weed to get enjoyment out of things, you are depressed. Self-doubting yourself is normal on this interbet because of how attention whore-y people can be, but I'm telling you from one random user to another that you are actually depressed if what you're saying is the truth.

Seek help. You won't be wasting anyone's time.

Do you have very little empathy for other people? Do you frequently find yourself unable to control your anger / lust / jealousy? Sociopathy goes a bit deeper than just not feeling anything.

What course? I remember feeling similar to that in college, but I ended up dropping out.

im doing journalism and visual communication, originally wanted to do graphics but i fucked up by only getting a D in art so they put me on this one

they say I'm talented at it but it just bores me so much

>I understand. Do you think there are triggers for it, or does it just come back randomly?
I thought it's seasonal, but it doesn't follow the pattern I thought there was. It might just be random. As far as triggers go, yeah, there are a few.

>they say I'm talented at it but it just bores me so much

Lol talent can't make up for a lack of interest. Have you found anything in what you do that interests you at all?

It could be that you're just depressed in general and the seasons just made it worse, and now its just getting worse.

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It feels like I'm just floating through stuff at this point. I go to a weird private school, and they have an emphasis on "individual education" witch basically comes down to I have not done any sort of math or difficult work in around a year. I can feel my brain turning into mush but I can't seem to get myself to do anything about it.

I see everyone around me getting gfs and friend groups and I at best have to graft myself onto an existing friend group and exist like a emotional tumor, just sucking the happiness out of the area. I'm a total Manlet so I've kinda just consined myself to being alone at this point.

I'm sorta just hoping for somehow things to get better when I grow up or get an incurable disease so I can stop holding back or something.

the only thing that kind of interests me is the graphics aspect, but it's entry level and I've taught myself since I was 12 so it's only reiteration of what I already know

even then, I don't think I want to be a graphic designer because of the sheer fact that it's an overpopulated industry

I think I'm just going to work out more, get properly fit and join the military, it seems like we'll be having a proper war within the next 10 years anyway

I was imagining magic would somehow happen. I had built up this idea that all the things I need to change were linked in a way, like I was telling myself "just think positive" so much that I had started imagining becoming some amazing, completely different person. Then I realized that some of my problems will change from A to B, some will be a lot harder to fix than I first thought, a few would take a lot longer, some weren't even fixable in the first place and I was just dreaming bullshit.

I realized the reason I was suddenly changing was because I was using some impossible escapism fantasy to motivate me and when I think about the path I would actually need to take now, I genuinely not sure if I want to try for only the chance at a possibility of a happy ending.

How old are you? If you're in a private school you're probably a teenager still, yes?

If people say you're talented in that sort of a field then you're probably on to something, my dude. Most people that go into fields are just average. If you're noticeably better then you should act on it.

You sound like a very smart guy if you're thinking through things so extensively. I think you should probably make a plan for things if you think they're going to wrong that way but things tend to not always go the way you want them to. Be prepared for things, etc etc.

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I understand that I should be acting on it, but the fact is I have literally no interest in the subject matter. I've never liked the news and now I'm on a goddamn journalism course work no way out other than forcing myself to do something I despise for another year, offing myself, or signing up for the mil

Chilling at my shrink's waiting room right now, my current antidepressants don't do the job anymore.

Have you talked to your professor about that? Or are you suffering in silence?

I think just talking to them about it would probably get you somewhere faster than you think.

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Sorry to hear that user. I hope you get the help you need soon so you can feel better.

You're right. Even if I'm not depressed like I think, going will help settle the issue. Thank you, you're kind.

Yeah, only 19 but it's been like this most of the way through middle school and high school. It's sort of just a lifestyle, but I know it's not sustainable.

All my teachers know that I struggle with my mood, and they all know I'm in meds atm - they all know that I hate doing the work and they've given me leniency on when I hand things in

but none of that means shit to me.

I wasn't on meds before college. The only other times I've been on meds are through school. I don't have depression in my personal opinion, I just can't bear to live in the trap that I've put myself in and therefore my mood suffers because of it

I'm also pretty worried that I won't even get into the military because of the fact that me being on meds throughout my life will most likely show up on my medical records and therefore give me a disadvantage during the sign up period

No problem user.

I was like you all the way up until I dropped out of college. Do you feel like you put in more effort into your friend group than they put into you?

What kind of meds are you on? Anti-anxiety, depression, ADHD? Depression can make you doubt a lot of things about yourself. I think you have depression since you said you have no motivation to do things, and a lack of care in what you have to do. That's a pretty big sign you're actually depressed.

I'll level with you. You probably won't get into the military because of your meds. The military might take you if you're a balding, 5'3 manlet lanklet but if you're on constant medication there might be a bit of a problem. I've heard from friends for that, anyways.

I'm on citalopram, a low dosage

I plan to wean myself off them before I apply, same as weed

I'm in no way a registered doctor or have any sort of doctorate in anything, but my father is a pharmacist and has told me a lot about medication and medicating habits of doctors. I think you're depressed, and the anti-depressants are helping, but it's a double-edged sword when you're dealing with medication, especially in America.

I don't have a problem with weed since I mostly just view it as another form of medication (same as my father, really) but you should be weary about its effects on you. For some people it just makes you lazy and paralyzes you, others it makes you paranoid, and others it just plain makes you feel good. Know where you're getting your weed. Make sure it's not too strong for you.

I'm in the UK so doctors are wary before prescribing medication, I'm pretty sure my depression is a mixture of trauma based and lack of purpose..

been smoking weed for 3-4 years and throughout the majority of that time ive been fine - weed smoking seems to run in my family lmao

I understand. And that's good, doctors shouldn't really jump the gun to prescribe people things. If you're on medication in that kind of an environment then you are actually depressed, user.

Have you tried not smoking to see what happens?

>It could be that you're just depressed in general and the seasons just made it worse, and now its just getting worse.
Maybe, I don't even know anymore. I spend my days wishing I was drunk but instead just take some benzos.

You need to stop with the benzos. That shit fucks you up permanently.

>believing depression is real

Y'all are just beta males

But it calms me down. I don't take large doses.

is betaness related to ugliness ?

Yeah, they're anti-anxiety meds. Which benzo do you take?

It pretty much feels like a cycle every time with friend groups. I'm alone, and then by luck or by inserting myself into a group, I graft myself into a group. Then, around a month or 2 if I'm lucky, i do something or say something wrong, and they get colder all of a sudden until one day they just cut me off. At first I thought I hadn't found the right people, but it's happened at least 8 times now.

What do you usually say, or do? If it's a re-occurring problem it sounds like you're mostly the one at fault.

It could very well be a clash of personalities, though.

Sorry, this was to you.

I'm fucking overwhelmed and anxious as fuck and I feel paralyzed. Called in sick at work and I feel guilty as fuck. I have a bunch of homework and I'm behind on every class. I'm not gonna make it lads.

Literally dropping out of college today because it makes me want to kill myself.

Not good, lads. Not good.

Get a head start on your homework, user. If you're too anxious and overwhelmed there's nothing wrong with calling off work. I've worked with people that have had panic attacks or were very anxious. Work is not a good place to be when you're in that kind of a state of mind.

Just get a start on it and you'll be ok.

I did the same thing.

You got a job?

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I'm just about done y'know.
It's all I can do to get me through the work week so that I can get drunk doing nothing. I have no great interests or desires, so despite the fact that I have some money I just sit on my ass doing fuck all. There are bridges I regret burning in retrospect, but I wouldn't be myself if I haven't burned them. I've been told I'm a toxic individual and I believe it.

>tripfagging in a depression thread

Come on man

I'm a bartender. I'm thinking I'm going to try and get a receptionist job at a hospital so I can get something with health insurance, and continue to bartend on the weekends.

Feels so fucking bad, man. I'm smart enough to get through college, but it just turns me into a fucking nutcase and I can't handle it anymore.

What about you?

Checked

Yeah I gave up for like a month but I got back on my bullshit, I am aware that I probably do have a mental illness of some kind but I don't want to get diagnosed because of the potential damage to my future...

Probably won't be allowed into the mil or navy because of the sheer fact I've been on meds and have had self harm episodes on my medical record in the past. However I also think that the thing I need to be content with my life is a regimented lifestyle and a purpose, both of which a military occupation would help with

Idk user, I'm a mess

My health condition ties in to my depression. There is no escaping it and no ultimate cure, only suppression and endurance. It is, ultimately, very frustrating. I've come a ways of attempting to fixing my life but it feels like I'm about to be dragged back to the start line again.
It is frustrating. Frustrating.

Have you tried changing yourself?

Why's that a bad thing?

That doesn't sound like a bad plan actually. My job gives me health insurance but it's a pretty garbage plan.

I just dropped out because I was overwhelmed with everything. Best decision I ever made in my life, to be honest.

You're 100% right. Having a regiment and a purpose is one of the best steps to dealing with depressive tendencies. Just having a plan and going through with it is great as well. We're all messes, just some of us can hide it better than others.

What's your health condition?

here

I've been seeing a counselor at school about my depression and anxiety. I live an hour 1/2 away from my school. I had an appointment scheduled with her today, but seeing as I've dropped all my classes, I would be traveling 3 hours round trip for an one hour appointment just to inform her that I'm not even going to bother with school anymore. I also haven't been able to sleep all night.

Do you think it would be rude to e-mail her telling her that we're "breaking up" or should I suck it up and go in to see her?

I feel like a massive failure right now. I don't even want to face her, quite frankly. She'll be so disappointed.

I wish I knew. I just try to be chill and cool, but something keeps going wrong I suppose. I dunno if it's worth trying anymore.

>seeking attention while in the guise of "helping people"

There's literally 0 reason for you to be using that trip in this thread, other threads fine, but you are still making this about you. "Oh look how nice I am anons, taking time to talk to you, I want nothing in return except for good reputation associated to this trip". Kys you narcissistic faggot.

I have tried changing myself, simply in order to better fit in with my surroundings and I'll admit that it certainly has short term benefits. However I inevitably slide into despair as those who I have chosen to surround myself with progress further and further socially while I am unable to forge those deep connections due to my lack of desire and passion. I appreciate the advice, yet I fear it is fruitless as I don't know what I must change myself into to be happy.

Wearing my nice outfit in the hopes I see her today.

I miss texting her alot even though Im the one who stopped. Had everything went fine Id probably be walking to class with her right now, but Im not. Im just sitting here wishing I could go back. Fuck me.

>feeling shit about self
>see your post
>go turn phone to selfie mode
>looks fucking great
I feel nice now. Maybe it's not so bad? I'm a handsome man.

Advice, anyone? I would have to leave in like, five minutes if I decide to go

anyone here taking lexpro/cyperlax? i got a prescription but i'm afraid of going for it since it can have some bad side effects such as erectile dysfunction in the future

You should go to talk to your counselor anyways. Even if you already went through with it, it's probably a good idea to wrap that up and move forward with that regret not nagging at you.

How do you try to act chill and cool exactly? I know a lot of anons here mimic "Chad"-like behavior to be cool, which never really ends too well.

I'm sorry you look at it that way. I don't know what else to say about it.

Chaging to fit your surroundings is a good idea, but if your surrounding is garbage then it's just a bad plan in the long run. How are you like naturally? Like, with someone you're comfortable being around, or alone?

Good luck user.

Why'd you stop texting her?

Go, and tell her your plan and what's her advice. Take it with a grain of salt and give yourself time to think it through. Closure is always better than "what-if". All the best.

>12th grade, sitting with oneitis during our afterparty
>she plans on going to uni in brazil
>gut instantly sinks
>encourage her anyways
>after a while she goes on to talk to her friends and other people
>i just mope around for a while before leaving
>go home

ff 3 years
>heard from her uncle that she got killed in Brazil

why does life kick me when im down

Klonopin. Used to take Valium but it stopped working.

Alright. Thanks guys. You take care, too.

You too user. Hope you turn out ok.

Yikes. Just reading through this deserthopetreatment.com/klonopin-treatment/withdrawal-timeline/ makes me worried for you. Would you say you're addicted to it?

>How am I naturally?
I'm a quiet person. I exercise twice a week and spend my off time listening to music or podcasts depending on my mood. Like I said, no hobbies to speak of so I drink on the evenings I don't have to work the next day.
I feel I should clarify here that although I currently live in an isolated region, my depression has been persistent since I was a young lad in a growth area.

What kind of music do you listen to?

Originaldo Mansello

just lost my job, my whole family hates me, my boyfriend wishes i was dead, the only thing i have going for me right now is that i have therapy on sunday and maybe i can get stuck in a mental ward with my phone after that just so i dont kill myself

Metal
Vaporwave
Punk
Rock
Punk rock
Retropop
I'll listen to basically anything since 1979 and perhaps a little Mozart

i refused to take any pills cos the idea of them terrifies me. even if they're not 'happy pills' as they're kinda portrayed in the media or films or whatever the idea freaks me out to the point where i can't even begin thinking about taking em. i'm p. fucked tho depression-wise, got too much shit to deal with so time to end this 18 year long struggle :D
honestly, these past couple of years have been the longest hardest and coldest, most alone years of my life and it isn't getting better anytim soon, fuck this

Why'd you lose your job?

What are some of your favourite artists? I can probably give you some recommendations since I dedicate 90% of my free time to listening to music

I like punk a lot. Do you like post-punk as well?

Sometimes pills help. What's been going on in your life?

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@44576689
failed to id someone. im unable to see in one of my eyes so i should be exempt from this but nope, fuck me.

no (You) for tripfags

Lol it's fine.

Why does your boyfriend wish you were dead though? Did you do anything?

I get that they help but the anxiety i've kinda associated w/ them over time (plus seeing tons of bad 'gone wrong' type of stories and friends relapsing and attempting and shit it's just - a bad time i don't wanna get myself into)
but the problem is nothing has been going on in my life. i do music, tons of it, piano, electronic stuff, collect records, try to find something within there to give me joy but as it stands that's the only thing about life i find mildly interesting anymore. p. much nothing going on though generally. sit alone in my room all day, friends either busy or can't be bothered meeting up. going home on a weekend is usually just arguments all the time. also look like a genuinely fucking disgusting monster who someone would be genuinely insane to have feelings for, so here's to me dying alone next month (or week let's be real)

I have taken lexapro for a year in the past. If I were to give you one advice it would be if that you are worried about erectile dysfunction, that it is in the forefront of your worries, you should not be taking any anti-depressants.

Quite a desperate case of eczema, however negligible the condition sound as most of the population has it at some point of their lives, somehow I got the short end of the straw. It has held me back on any hopes of a long time job and leaves me unable to perform a lot of tasks. It has also drained a lot of interest or passion in life. I have tried to hold jobs and hobbies in order to retain some form of stability or normalcy but it is tiring on both mentally and physically. I have my entire life trying to please and be accepted by my surroundings and I have succeeded on some levels but now I no longer have the ability nor the energy to live for myself as an adult. That is not to say the surroundings I'm in is a bad one, but it is one that I have trouble catching up with now. I have entertained the thought of suicide of a long time now but it has yet to grow strong enough to allow myself to commit. I know it sounds like "woe is me I have a disabling condition" and sometimes I do believe and it has motivated me to do more but at my current state of mind, it is utterly depressing. I thank you for reading my rant and I sincerely hope that things will turn out well for you on some level.

The body needs medication for sickness. Sometimes, the mind/brain needs some assistance as well. I used to think that taking pills was serving as some sort of mental crutch, but recently I've been entertaining the thought of starting them again because of how I felt and was when I was on them.

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I play instruments as well. Would you mind recording something and posting it in the thread?

You're only 18 years old. Still pretty young. And your hormones haven't balanced out either. You're still growing up, friend.

@44576776
no he just hates me for some reason. he says he doesnt want to be a dick to me any more and then continues to do it. he loathes me, probably because i wont participate in his fetishplay. it used to be a lot worse with how much he wished i was dead though so maybe i could be fucking grateful he hasnt left me yet

I also have really bad eczema. I can take a picture of my leg or my hand right now so you can see how bad it is. I apply triamcinalone cream on my skin and used to put mentholatum cream on my face as well. I absolutely can relate to you and how you feel. I've tried a lot of things to get rid of it but it just always comes back. Tragic.

>he loathes me, probably because i wont participate in his fetishplay
> it used to be a lot worse with how much he wished i was dead though

Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship. What sort of fetishplay is he trying to get you to do, if you don't mind me asking?

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I've been listening to Disturbed a lot recently and Red Hot Chili Peppers for rock, I'm following half a dozen youtube channels for vaporwave but if you've got some punk recs I'm interested

@44576892
i know i am he planned to throw me in front of a truck at one point but i caught him planning so haha bitch
incest roleplay. hes a only child, im a incest victim, you can see why id say no to that.

i want to see your gross hand tripfag it sounds cool

Chijo I hope you're okayy
I accidentally hurt my hand I guess.. Now I've gotta treat the wound and clean the blood maybe I'll look for where I hit it in my house..

clyp.it/yfdcapus
bleugh here's some piano shit from an album i'm doing. not much tho and the timing is cancer because electronic keyboard
and people always say the like - you're too young thing. i get that. but for me the future isn't a place where things can get better, it's where things will continue as they are and/or get worse and just prove why i need to kill myself more. given the past years of my life and how alone i've been, i've gained some pretty unhealthy thoughts and habits and at this point the process of undoing them would take longer than just dying and leaving behind quite literally nothing

You should probably think of getting out of that. Are you afraid of being alone, or are you in a bad situation?

I'll take a picture in a second. It's my dominant hand so if the picture is blurry or shakey just know I tried my best.

This is very good user. I like the chord progression a lot. You have talent, it's very obvious. I really like the parts at 2:28 and 2:31 that change abruptly. Very beautiful ending as well. Do you have any more?

The future only stays the same if you want it to stay the same. The first step is realizing your bad habits - which you've already done. Just try changing a little bit when you can and in due time you'll notice you're better.

I think you'd like some King Gizzard, The Wipers, Mudhoney, Descendents, Blank Banshee, Sweet Trip, Have a Nice Life, American Football, Slint (obviously), Women (yes, that's a real band name), Street Sects (I recommend starting with Rat Jacket, I think you'd like it a lot more than anything else they made) and maybe some Animal Collective

@44577056
neither hes just the only man on earth who wants me. id rather have a boy "love" me than be alone for the rest of my life

ill be back in a bit i want to get food you better deliver on your gross hand or else

I use a variety depending on the condition it is at. I do hope that your condition does not disable you. I have it on 95% of my body. I'd prefer to not look at your condition, being in the wards the number of times I've been there, I've had enough.

Just turned 21 today and I still live with my parents and currently unemployed. I had a job interview today but it got "re-scheduled" for tomorrow. I don't know what I'm doing anymore if things don't get better soon I might just end it.

I don't know how you guys make it past the age of 25 enduring this shit. I'm miserable.

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