Vent9k: Electric Boogaloo

>woke up at 5am having a panic attack
>spent two hours laying in bed imagining how I'd spend my day if I planned to kill myself at the end of it
>spent another hour trying to change my mood but kept looping back into it
>heave my bloated corpse of a body out of bed and check my phone
>happy birthday message from my dad because I didn't see him before he went to work
>ended up just scrolling through all the texts because I realized a place that texts me appointment reminders has literally never used the same number twice
>for some reason the earliest text on my phone is two years old from an old online friend halfway around the world
>it's them demanding I add them back so they know I haven't killed myself
>get more depressed thinking about all the good online friendships I've willingly ended because of my own autism
>start thinking about my last IRL friend that I haven't seen in person in over 4 years
>restart the whole "it's pointless to start the race so late after missing out on so much" thought loop

I can't let go of the belief that I'm going to find a lasting and healthy relationship in spite of being almost halfway through my life with tons of evidence to the contrary. Sometimes I think I'm too cynical but sometimes I think the only thing that keeps people together is either being as equally fucked up or no harsh experiences to test their mettle. I feel like what I want is so simple yet I'm not even sure it exists and I can't bring myself to engage in casual sex, because it's not what I want.

You're all fucking sad. Every time I come here it's the same FUCKING bullshit tfw no gf/bf, when will you come to terms with the fact that you will die alone and it's no big deal

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It's not unusual to want human companionship, in fact since the dawn of time, generations upon generations of people got together and had sex is why anyone exists. So it's stupid for people to act like it isn't a drive of some sort.

I can do better than a 2/10 dammit, how the fuck do these no effort bitches get so full of hot air?

You work a part time job and dress like a 50 year old woman holy shit fuck off.

Let go of every one of my friends because we were drifting anyway. Now my most recent best friend (a girl whom I was closer with than anyone else in my life) is dating my old best friend (some schmuck I used to hang out with because he's similar to me). We were so fucking close to being together. We both had feelings for each other, and I was just trying to tie up out a few loose ends in my life first, but no. Nope. I don't want to fucking fix my life. I want to run away and they can fuck each other all they like because I'm. Not. Looking. Back.

I miss her so much. Please kill me.

See what happens on a board where people hate women when someone says they're a woman, and then you'll understand why these women have such egos.

Just learn from it, it's not always necessarily about being best in life, but being proactive. Sounds like he just beat you to the punch. I probably wouldn't have anything to do with either of them if I were you though.

I love what I do so much that not being good enough is killing me. Also work is my only human contact. I can't imagine any kind of a relationship where I wasn't constantly trying to prove myself. I want to just work every day until I die but it gets depressing sometimes.

He didn't beat me to the punch. I left everyone before they started going out. I had her. I just want to fuck up my own life I guess. It was too much stress, so I just ran away, and now I look back and see how fucked I made it.
>Feelsshittyman.jpeg

It sounds unfortunate but there are always others.

I don't think so. It's gotten a lot better since I don't see them anymore, but she was my whole life for so long. I don't know what my future is gonna look like. Normally it's not nearly this bad, though. Feels are just hitting real hard tonight for some reason.

>how the fuck do these no effort bitches get so full of hot air?
They believe their inflated sexual worth and the fact that betas worship them means they have value as a person beyond that. Not to say that none of them do, but there's no reason to date someone that isn't the perfect person when you can just get dicked by a Chad and get the rest of your emotional needs sorted out by betas and friends.

I ruin every relationship that I touch, I fuck up every task that I am given, I've started to go to college to try and make something of myself but everyday just serves as a reminder that I can't connect to other human beings anymore. I even feel like the two online friends I have just sort of put up with me. At no point do I not feel like a complete waste of space and a burden to everyone around me, I just want to die constantly but the dozens of times that I've tried and failed has made me too scarred to even attempt to try again

It ebbs and flows like that. It's not easy finding someone compatible with you but I'm telling you she's not as perfect or unique as you think.

Most of my dreams are about killing myself.
I always wake up angry because I am still alive.
I want to die. I'm a pussy so I won't jump or hang and I can't get a gun because /britfag/.

I know she's not. I'm just gonna try to sleep off the cripple depresso. Thanks for the (you)s. They really help sometimes.

The love of my life has a life threatening disease and can no longer move to my country and live with me because there isn't free healthcare here and I can't move to see her because strict immigration laws, causing us to have to stop talking.

I recently developed this loud ass tinnitus in my right ear and can only get rid of it by playing loud ass music

Why can't one fucking thing just go right? I don't get it. Why can't one thing just go my way? Why did this girl have to get a permanent disease that usually only affects 40 year olds at fucking 18? Why did I have to get this tinnitus? Why did I have to fuck up my knee so young? Why is all this permanent bad shit happening? Why can't one fucking thing just work in my favour? Why am I forced to live in this mangled fucking body with my senses dulling even more every fucking day? I can't fucking do this anymore, I'm only still alive because I don't want my brother to miss me.

When does it start to get better anons? Ever? Or is life for all of us just a continuous downward spiral with our perceptions getting constantly destroyed until we just end up numb fucking husks. Even my retinas are fucked and I have a blind spot in the center of my right eye's vision. Fucking hell I just need to die already.

I'm coming to terms with how I'm probably not gonna find a woman I'm compatible with. In addition, my grandmother is getting older and I'm trying to prepare myself for the day she passes because at that point, I'll be on my own. On the bright side, I've been focusing on myself and l'm learning more about myself in order to have a solid foundation built by the time my grandmother passes. I just want a simple and quiet life away from society.

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