Thank you. The question is not so much about depression and atheism, more a question about schizophrenia and atheism and where it might be leading me to (Christianity).
I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia. Meaning I had two psychosis that lasted for about 4 months each, and one minor episode lasting for about a month.
Why does that matter? Well, before psychosis I was a life long atheist, raised as such, and my psychosis was religious in nature. Basically, first time it happened, it felt like I was the chosen one, the messiah, and like God was syncing with me, like I would become a vessel for him and one with him completely. I called it being filled with the holy spirit, but as I was never religious I'm not sure if these were the right words for it. It also felt like a religion crash course.
Second psychosis was similar, only that when becoming God' again, I would also have the mission to wake up from reality to heaven, and to get others like me to awaken too. To find a shortcut, get into heaven without dying.
But this is the romanticized version, other symptoms were present, and I would behave pretty insane during this time, manic, and in other ways just plain old crazy from an outside perspective at least. After psychosis and on heavy meds, I dropped out of university and didn't show up at work anymore. Got on disability and became a NEET. I stayed this way for years. On the positive side, before that I was a depressed nihilistic atheist with no more will to live, now I was a live loving person that believed in something greater than was just in front of his ordinary eyes.
Anyways, still no believing in Jesus or Christianity, one day I decided to just give it a shot and pray. Really pray, for forgiveness, for salvation, for guidance, and for Jesus to come into my life, with all my heart. He answered. This was my third and so far final psychotic episode, if you want to call it that. cont...