Who alone because of trauma inflicted to them?

Them and recently someone I knew for a year that was my best friend
a lot of things happened like them snapping sometimes and abusing me. Them blaming it on their bpd and eventually when it left it scarred me and left me so emotionally dead. I don't trust anyone now. Ive been to the psych ward before and Its traumatized me too

well this may sound strange to hear from some randomer on the internet, but you appear to articulate your thoughts quite coherently - and while you are obviously quite guarded - you don't come across as someone who has lost touch with reality

of course, being raised in an environment where there's very little stability would make you somewhat unstable and unsure of yourself - but for all your thoughts of suicide and deep sadness/grief - you are still alive, and that means you're something of a survivor

would you like to talk about why you were in a psych ward, or would you prefer not to make yourself vulnerable in this board where people can be real asshats?

Well I went there because that same friend went on tirades against me and would abuse me a lot to which they apologized about later on but when they left one day all of a sudden it broke me and I just fell out of my chair and started cutting my arms until I couldn't feel them for a while. So I was crying all night and posting so she could contact me on r9k. But I couldnt take it anymore after crying so much so I showed my parents the cuts and I got sent to a hospital and after I was treated I got put in a psychward.
When I was there the staff abused me and pretty much everyone there verbally and physically but i never received the physical side of it. Things like the staff making fun of the other kids there and wrestling them to the ground for holding onto a tennis ball for too long. And one staff physically fighting the other teens when she got mad. Same staff just beating the shit out of kids that left their room at night and slapping them back and forth. People that were actually suicidal just bawling in tears next to me while the other kids dancing around them arent even suicidal. Because their peabrain parents sent them there for stupid reasons. So seeing all of this just pushed me over the line and I couldn't take it anymore. Just thought of it for days and never stopped thinking of the psychward. When the staff singled me out alot and hounded me for not wanting to be in a lounge room full of teenagers. And them telling me to shut up and sit down when I started crying about kathy. just fucked up shit

me here
but i didn't come here to be doxxed
lots of different traumas
been alone even in a crowd
been used to it for long time
am constantly glad to find others out there even if we never meet or whatever
what's shocking is how many of us there are
I spend most of my time trying to figure out things, what things can be done or not

I have found that weed helps by distracting from thoughts I do not want, but sometimes random is too random and different memories surface
still, weed does it for me. I hope you have no more trauma, OP

earlier you mentioned that your parents were bpd

it sounds like this girl you were friends with was similarly unstable and liked to use you as a punching bag

are you familiar with the idea that people sometimes look for relationships that they are used to?

if not, it's the idea that even though it's not pleasant to be with a poisonous person, if that's all one has experienced in their home-life, they tend to gravitate toward those kinda people because it's something they understand or feel weirdly comfortable with

Wish I had weed too
Yeah i did feel comfortable with her for part of that reason but no my parents dont have bpd. Sorry if I messed up my post. the girl i was friends with has bpd and my mother is bipolar and schizophrenic. My dad is autistic and have antisocial personality disorder

now I can't go towards anyone at all though. i cant maintain a friendship
i feel empty at all times mostly. this person has just broken me
i dont care about maintaining friendships unless its normal and a good step to recovering. but i feel like therapy won't help at all. I've been to therapy before but it was just hollow normalfag advice and hedonism tips

I have some schism between the self that I present to people and the one that I am when I'm alone, I don't give anything to people because that opens me up to all sorts of vulnerabilities. I don't allow anyone to get close enough to me to the point that they may know the self that I am when I'm alone, and realize that I fake everything that I give them, that it isn't real. I only have 3 friends, all from highschool days, but I've stopped seeing them in person because that leaves me too open and I can't control the situation as well, and I hardly ever speak to them online because if they come in contact with me too often they'll realize my pattern of behavior in dealing with others. I'd say I'm quite manipulative and superficial, but only out of self-defence, and I'm not good enough or motivated enough with it to go on any kind of offensive with it, like if I wanted to use it in a workplace or to get new friends. If it were easier I'd just disappear into the woods and only contact others anonymously like this but it is very difficult to get that kind of foundation, and I don't know how I can live like this in this human world. I'd say that whatever this is probably falls under schizoid but I'm no professional. I wish I was an invisible ghost that could just silently float around watching the world and everyone in it, constantly taking in all the information but giving none back, just keeping it for myself until I had my head wrapped around it and then write it all on a little note and leave it for someone to find and make sense of things.

I've been through a lot of physical trauma and most of my body is horribly scarred. I have severe anxiety from it

What happened to you user
who did it to you

>Sorry if I messed up my post.

it was just one word, and since i was reading very carefully, when you said 'their' instead of 'her' in i immediately thought you meant your parents

easy to make a mistake like that, and i'm sorry if you thought i wasn't paying attention

... and now you've shared what you're really dealing with in your parents, i can all the more understand why you would have trouble in trusting people; the mood swings and the sheer volume of stress would be a nightmare

again, this may not mean much coming from some randomer on the internet, but you are explaining yourself very well here - so while you may feel far from being able to maintain friendships, i think people who have a bit of maturity and understanding would very much see you as someone of value, and worth investing time in

i doubt you'll meet many such folks in our internet circles, because most of us are pretty hectic - birds of a feather and all that - but in the real world there are people who would recognise your strengths as well as your weaknesses and reckon you important enough to share life with

Thanks user maybe
ill try looking
out there

in the meantime, just to get you engaged with more mature folk who recognise when people have gone through battles; it wouldn't hurt for you to contact anonymous helplines when you feel things getting on top of you

they can be useful in getting one acclimatised to social contact, and also giving one a bit of objectivity to their circumstances - plus if you don't feel you can connect with the anonymous person on the end of the line, you can just put the phone down

what's more, these folk who volunteer for helplines like the Samaritans etc, have often gone through rough stuff themselves, and have received help themselves - so they understand how much energy it takes to even make the initial phone-call

plus they usually have a bit of maturity and understanding

Yeah. Some both physical and psychological trauma left me with trust issues, especially so towards woman. On top of couple of mental illnesses I already had.
NEET shut-in for 5 years. Can't afford therapy so I just rot here.

Attached: Rakka.jpg (2365x3019, 856K)

>out there
I won't do this
no more for me

I was mildly sexually abused as a child but I'm not sure if that's why I'm fucked up or if I'm just a fucking loser.

I also have an autism diagnosis.

My father abandoned me and my mother in a foreign country when I was a child where I stayed for a year and took a crash course learning the language to survive. Ever since then I've had a phobia of traveling, had trouble speaking, or trusting people. I've never been able to get close to anyone or form proper relationships. Ended up practically living on image boards and irc channels, befriending social rejects and the mentally ill alike. They're usually the easiest to get along with. Although no matter how friendly or nice or helpful I am, no matter how much people like me, they always vanish one after another while reinforcing my abandonment issues.
Doesn't help that I hate the city I live in and the direction it's gone, and not just because there's probably no neet within a hundred miles of here.

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BITCH

DISGUSTING COCKROACH, NOBODY LOVES YOU OR EVER WILL

FUCK YOU BITCH