i think i always knew there was something inherently wrong with me. i am maladjusted. i dont think i belong with people. i dont think im a person, or like other people. theres something in me thats different. like a wrong gear or something that makes me a completely different machine.
im crazy. i am an insane person poorly masquerading as a normal human. there will come a time that im a crazy old lady pissing herself and yelling on the streets. i am not built for normal life.
i think the only thing that is keeping me from the depths of my own insanity is my looks, or theyre making it worse. i am probably a rather attractive female, so i get different treatment or whatever. i somehow get a lot of romantic approval, but men fuck anything. my worth is in my beauty, i think, and that is a depricating resource and it is taken from me over time. in that case, i will be left with my insanity in the end. it honestly would have been easier if i were never beautiful, then i wouldnt know what its like to lose the potential to be a normie
but i never really could be, perhaps ill be happier embracing my craziness. im just afraid of the judgements amd how i might hurt others. through my craziness, so then im just going to have to isolate myself
I think i always knew there was something inherently wrong with me. i am maladjusted. i dont think i belong with people...
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Tldr
Qt ducks though
i wish i could just work up the guile to kill myself, i wish i did it already.
i love my boyfriend so much and right now hes the only thing that stopping me from doing it. hes the only thing thats stopped me from continuing with my bulimia, and relapsing self harming. hes keeping me above water even though he says he thinks i will be happier without him, he doesnt understand how codependant i really am. how much i need him.
he says i can do better too, and i dont know whay the fuck hes talking about. hes my everything. he understands so many things that i can only find in bits amd peices in other people.
he tells me he needs me too, but i feel like he would be better off not worrying about me. i feel like all i do is add stress to his life. i feel like i cant make him happy or pull him out of his depression even though he can pull me out of mine.
all i need in my life is a man who cares for my basic and emotional needs and allows me to dedicate myself to him. i think ive found that yet everytime i say anything i feel like im fucking up, like im coming on too strong. i get separation anxiety. i am too needy and fucked up. im scared im going accidently act in ways that are abusive or manipulative or clingy.
if this is loren, then you are deserving of all attention you get because you are a good person.
Nobody cares fucking roastie now get the fuck out.
oh wow you are sooo special
I'm crazy too wanna fuck
and honestly, i probably really am fucking up. im probably fucking up hard. i always fuck things up, i always ruined things, sometimes just for the fun of it. i never cared about hurting people espec. romantic partners except for him. ive been evil. ive been a crazy bpd cunt, i dont deserve to be happy. i dont deserve love. i dont deserve him. i dont deserve it so im sure nature will make him leave just so i can experience happiness and have it stolen away from me so i can feel the magnitude of the pain i have inflicted on others. i dont think theres such thing as redemption for me. he doesnt know about my past.
he doesnt know how fucked up i am. how fucked up ive been.
i want his happiness more than anything, i want to care for him so badly, but i dont want to hurt him. i dont trust myself.
i am crazy. im fucked up. im covered in self harm scars and shitty tattoos and i have a fucked up body and i am so far from a normal female that i could never feel comfortable in the gender thats associated with it because i am worlds away from most of the other women ive met in terms of how deep the rage and inhumanity in me runs.
you spelt my name wrong but thats a nice sentiment even though i dont believe you
depending on who you are, i might though. it might give me some closure.
Florida guy, we met on omegle if you are her. Hope you are.
is this all from the same person? are you op?
the beliefs i hold and the way i navigate the world is very much related to how a lot of insane, edge of society type individuals are. will i find happiness there?
a part of me really does wish i were normal, or even a little bit more normal. i feel like im really missing out on a lot of aspects of the modern human experience. i wish i werent such a loser in high school, i wish i were fucking smarter and capable of functioning at a normal standard. why cant i function at a normal fucking standard? why cant i do normal person things, like get a job even. why am i so fucking trashy and annoying and awkward and strange.
i dont comprehend how anyone can find me attractive, theres something in me that isnt right. isnt entirely human. theres something about me that i find repulsive, i know whats brewing in me. i know the darkness, and when im happy and elated and all up up up from the drugs of love and prozac i sometimes get sad again and it feels like a familiar weighted blanket and its comforting in a sick way.
especially the sadness rooted in loneliness. its so fucking easy for me to get lonely. im too extroverted for my own good, no one can stand as much social interaction as i can. but i need an ungodly amount in ordwr to feel normal. i feel like i have to root my indentity in relationship to who im with. its how i anchor my existence.
i could try to improve on that, but i needmy boyfriend, and i dont want to upset him by asking if we can spend less time together. and it will be so hard, and i wont feel into it as deeply as i would if i were single.
i am a very weak person in body and mind. i am addicted to love and human touch and interaction.
thanks dude sorry its just sad boy hours lol
yes all these are mine:
how old are you and what are u doing in life? skool? job?
it sounds like your going thru a existential crisis, probaly as a result of trauma... which is understandable, we are all products of our environment.
are u from Lousiana, did we talk?
wdym sad boy hours? are u a guy?
18. part time high school courses because i had a few big breakdowns and i cant handle the stress of a full semester's workload.
i have been through a fuck ton of trauma. i guess an existenial crisis is plausible.
not from there, yes we talked. sad boy hours is a stupid meme, im female
so you found someone finally? why do you push him away? Your a great person and if he helps you, why push him away.
Maybe you two need to go do constructive things together, even if it sounds gay as fuck. Watch european existential art films, watch terance malick films, read existential philosophy together.
You are a really cool person and you were always kind to me, your a gift to peoples lives and if he helps you, then let him in... your both depriving yourself of a possible better future.
you know what road this current course will lead to... so why continue on the sinking ship.
Most young adults existential crisis is like omg i have to get a job, omg my supposed lover cheated on me etc... your is obviously much deeper, i remember what you told me.
but its not reason to give up, in fact this is great fuel for you to actually evolve into a real adult, one who can consume great literature, appreciate good thinking films, explore whats out there, so many people suffered and poured their heart and guts out into their art.
consume it and see what resonates with you, see what broadens your horizon, find a voice that speaks to you and follow it....
your way too young to give up or be so hopeless, this is molding you into someone... and girls who are like you, they get respected by guys... which does not happen often. Dont deny the world from your self, you are a gift.
stop attention seeking. you're like a fucked washing machine, rattling about and making noise.
fucking kiddie, fuck off out of here.
'you'we a gweat pewson and if he hewps you why push him away' christ on the cross take a running jump you gimp
i am 99 percent confident that your current self loathing and negative distorted views of yourself are a result of a temporary psychosis that is the result of your surroundings combined with isolation... those two are a lethal combo.
your obviously much bigger then that town, your peers, and the type of commercialized fluff that most people your age consume.
This is an advantage, it feels like a handicap cuz you cant relate to anyone, but the internet is great for filling that void if you use it correctly. R9k is great for venting but there is only like 5 percent of users who wont cheap shot you for it so they can feel better temporarily at some one elses expense.
You should be writing every day because you have a lot brewing in you and journaling is extremely theraputic, then you should counter that with watching deep movies, watching pyscology lectures on youtube, checking out intoduction level philosophy.
You are the type of girl that most guys wont want to marry, you can say its cuz of your looks, but its much more then that... all of this "baggage" is what seperates you from the rest, its what prevents boredom, its what keeps guys on their toes trying to navigate the relationship.
you got fuel to keep up the "thrilll of the chase" for years... its a gift even if it feels like cancer...use it constructively.
Why does anyone who claims to be female post in this childishly obnoxious style? Do all women have this kind of ego or is it just the ones mentally ill enough to come here?
fuckin tumblr femwhores and their bullshit wall of texts
go fuckin kill yourself for attention
Fuck off roastie literally no one fucking cares about how ''different'' you are, i bet you posted just to get attention that you father never gave to you
>ITT: user makes a miserably terrible attempt at getting pussy
I've been in a very similar place as you before. I felt like I could never truly fit in and people were always burdened to be with me. Maladjusted is a good word for the feeling. I found I was over thinking things, everything really. Thinking I'd good, but it can destroy you if you let it. Through a lot of work I was able to learn to enjoy the little things. Please don't even think about killing yourself, there is a long list of things to do before that. If death is the alternative you could try literally anything.
I've never met anyone who wasn't a little crazy. You're probably not as bad as you think.
youre right. i think we both need to open up to each other about our sadness and try to seek understanding and meaning within it, its just a slippery slope because im scared of accidently fuelling suicidal thoughts in trying to work through shit.
i am entirely positive that the views i have of myself are true bevause they are rooted in fact. i have to thank you for the advice you have given me, though. i really do need to open myself to deeper learning and thinking, particularly within the realm of the humanities.
i dont want the thrill of the chase. i want my boyfriend to feel secure in the fact that im not going to leave him, and i want to feel that security returned. i do enjoy a lot of little things, but i feel like the burden i place on people is overwhemlingly not worth my enjoyment of how the birds chirp at 4am or how the sun feels on my face.
i do over think. its hard to let that go. i suppose thats another thing i should do on along with educating myself and working through my existential bullshit