Feels

Thinking of killing myself, doing recreational drugs, posting on Jow Forums, watching anime, nothing much.

>doing recreational drugs, posting on Jow Forums, watching anime, nothing much.
I think this is what depressed you.
The purpose of activity isn't the activity itself, but having something to look forward to.
It is a world in which you make progress.
I once worked out, not Jow Forums tier, no I did bodyweight and got the fit anime boy physique, now it's all gone again, but the point is, that there is progress and that there are things you want to achieve,
much of your issue might be that you think that your achievements have to be part of what helps society, but while this is true to a certain extent, you must not fall into the belief, that that is your primary purpose.
A sense of duty to progress is what can take away this depression; also; don't do drugs.

How old are you?
If you're not legal, just say "I am definetly lega, bucko".

>have parents

>not anymore

>All other people I know are complete dickheads

is working out and getting education worth it anymore? suicide seems like a good choice.

No user, that's not what depressed me. I might be a NEET of 5 years but I've accomplished nearly everything I've set my mind to, including getting a virgin gf and deflowering her. I still was depressed. I've taken anti-depressants and I've still been depressed. The only thing that makes me happy are drugs. I'm 20.

Consider yourself to have been witnessed, Anonymous.

okay, that does sound bleak.
How the heck did you get a virgin gf, you hecking normie :^)?

What was it you dreamed of as a child?
Also, look at it this way; it could be, that it's the drugs that cause your brain not being able to feel happy with other things, that is how drug-addiction works in some minds.

I'm a schizophrenic. Need I say more? I hide away and do nothing all day, everyday.

>What do you guys like doing?
Watch Chess, daily vlogs and politics videos on Youtube, play Chess Titans Xbox and Starcraft II, watch the news, sit coms and movies on T. V., listen to music like Metallica, Paramore and Blink-182, play Guitar, browse Reddit Guitar, No Fap and Tarot, write posts in My Chan a folder of documents for my own personal Jow Forums and watch live streams on Twitch.

I know what you're depressed it's hard to find things to do so I tried to make my list as detailed as possible.

Depression completely warps and distorts everything that you think, but because it occurs in your own mind you think it's right. You have to accept you're making false determinations and tolerate it until it passed. When you're depressed you think it will last forever, but temporary, both in terms of the long term and the short term. If someone got a hold of some bad drugs then they might want to kill themselves, but obviously they'd be making a mistake if they did it. Depression is no different. It's like using a calculator that's giving you false answers.

I met her in an MMO. I didn't dream as a child and I've had heavy suicidal thoughts since I was a young child. The first time I took drugs I realized what happiness was, I had never until a few months ago experienced the emotion you call happiness. Drugs are the only reason I'm not killing myself right now.

Are you sure that you aren't distorting things?
I would be pretty certain, as I had a similar outlook on life, just without the drugs.
I think you really need to accurately revise your past and look to see, if your retrocontinual "adjustment" really is true.
I do not believe that you were depressed since childhood, perhaps you did have suicidal and self-harming behaviour like I, but I do not think you were always sad and *never* felt happiness.
If it were like this, then you'd be quite an outlier to the nomal human neurobiology, which is just too unlikely to actually take into consideration.

My advice would be to try metacognitive behavorial therapy, which is just a fancy way of saying "think about the way you think".
Do you write a diary?
That can help, I know, it sounds gay and reminds me of ovens and ballpoint pens, but you should consider it.
I refuse to believe that "drugs" are the only thing that keep you alive.
Be honest, there is something else that you just can't quite put your finger on.

Oh, don't worry, I am getting my shit on track.
I am going to write an Uni application today and I'll find a job in the mean time, until I go off to college.

I tried to blow my brains out a few days ago and the gun jammed, I'm not a NT and my frontal lobe is severely damaged. The only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the XTC, LSD and xanax that should arrive this weekend. There is no other reason. Not all humans can be saved from themselves.

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Hm, I do hold a few extreme views, but you know, I am not NT either, I am autistic, so I know you relation on not feeling fully human, just in the context of social interaction in this case.

If you are so so sure that you need to die, then why are you even discussing?
There has to be something, come on, please don't let me down, from user to user.

>be me
>be kind of a dick
>not a full blown chad, but complete "gymbro" bodybuilder, used to have a little bit of an ego from it
>first year at college
>hyped as all hell
>roommates with my best bro from back home
>make a bunch of new friends in the dorms on move in day
>one of those say "hi" to everyone and talk for 3 minutes but forget their name situations
>on the way into an auditorium for freshman orientation
>see someone across the hall checking me out
>roommate made some sexual comment, but I wasn't paying attention
>QT, not short or too tall, pale, freckles, baby blue eyes, light brown hair, glasses
>look back, go to say hi
>I walk over and ask her if I saw her earlier moving in
>she looks away
>blushes super hard
>"yeah.. I'm in 234B"
>same floor as me, opposite end of the building
>"oh that's right, what's your name again?"
>"april... and you?"
>"user"
>she smiled the most pure smile I've ever seen
>faculty start ushering us into the auditorium
>sit with her and make fun of the "don't drink or you'll get alcohol poisoning and die instantly" lecture
>exchange numbers and snaps before we leave
>learn that night we have 3 classes together
>quickly becomes one of my best friends
>any time not spent with roomate bro, at the gym with bros or partying is usually spent with her
>becomes friends with my friends too as the semester goes on
88

>study with her most days
>eat with her at least 4 or 5 meals a week
>start teaching her how to work out, she comes with me to the gym 2 or 3 times a week
>go on hikes and take cool pictures with her for her photography class
>watch a few TV shows on netflix together
>she would always fall asleep on me when we were watching and I'd carry her back to her dorm
>notice she doesn't really talk to other guys
>ask her if she has her eye on any guys at lunch one day
>"well... I don't know. I like things how they are right now."
>have no clue what that means because at the time I was always trying to get with some girl and partied most weekends (side note: I don't drink, I was just had stereotypical bro mentality)
>always seems a little down when I go to a party or hook up with some girl and brag to bros about it
>always looks really let down when I bring up other girls
>start to think she feels left out
>I know she doesn't really go to parties or anything
>tell her she should come to a party with me
>hesitantly agrees
>go out next Friday
>party is being hosted by a sorority and a house owned by some other students that share a yard
>total rager, no expense spared
>bring her in and get her a drink
>ironic looking back, I don't really drink much myself even
>Walk her around to introduce her to people, she seems happy but a little shy like she always is
>some whore I hooked up with previously comes up to me and drunkenly accosts me while getting kind of frisky
>she looks visibly upset
>tell the whore off
>figure it only upset her because she was obnoxious and interrupted us
>walk over to a couple guys I see at the gym a good bit and introduce her
>they were cunts looking back on it, but whatever
>one of em starts getting flirty with April

>think they're hitting it off because I'm retarded
>wander off
>go talk to some sorority skank
>She offers to "show me her room"
>takes my hand and walks me up spiral staircase
>get a glimpse of april
>she's not talking to that guy
>just talking to one of her friends
>whatever.jpg
>fuck sorority whore
>terrible, feel kinda disappointed with myself after
>decide I wanna go back and check on April
>April sees me walk back down with the slut
>suddenly looks completely devastated
>holding back tears and storms off
>don't hear from her the next day
>try to call her
>nothing
>snap her roommate
>her roommate tells me she's been more or less crying constantly two days after
>she responds to me finally and says she was just having a bad day
>wants to see me
>no fucking clue what's going on at this point
>agree to go get subs together
>she still seems so let down
>ask her if it was someone at the party
>"well... no, they were ok I just didn't really get into it"
>can't really decipher anything from that, but ok
>ask her if she's ok now
>"yeah" she says with a half smile
>ask if it's because I left her alone with those guys, tell her I wasn't thinking
>"no they were fine, I just didn't feel like talking to guys"

cont?
I know i'm a piece of shit btw

why bother larping this hard? jesus

Cont you autistic heartless piece of shit, I'd kill for a girl like that.
But I guess I could at least work out.
Fuck it, 3000kcal and enough protein, I'm starting today.
I'd never be that autistic to a girl that likes me so obviously.

I can't seem to hold down a job, and still with my parents because of it. Longest one I've held was 3 months. I know I shouldn't quit, but the longer I work at a place, the more indifferent I become. I then eventually convince myself to quit. On the bright side, interviews have become second nature, and I can act easily.

>I'm not a smart man, but I know she's not ok
>decide not to press her anymore
>Tell her I'm sorry for assuming she wanted to hook up, and that I know she's not easy or some slut
>opens her mouth and hesitates for a moment as her lip trembles
>asks me why I always want to hook up with all those girls
>don't remember exactly what I said, but it was a pretty chad answer, definitely made me look like a douche
>April is still clearly upset now
>we go back to study a little
>leave after a little, but tell her we'll do something fun together next weekend
>next friday I come to pick her up from her last class
>she's super excited to see me
>I'm fucking wrecked from a 5 hour gym session with juice bros
>tell her I need a rest and wanna do something fun all day on saturday if she's not busy
>she immediately agrees and looks so happy
>we made some food and walked around a park for a little while
>ran around and pet some dogs
>just mess around for a while too
>one of her friends calls and tells her there's gonna be a meteor shower that night, invites us to come watch from a hot springs pool near our college.
>fuckyeah
>pack roommate bro's jeep with her friends and us and head on over
>really pretty view of the sky, out in the desert, away from too much city light
>she grabs my hand and pulls me off away from the group
>find a small warm spot near a big rock and sit there
>she cuddles up against me
>she's done this before and fallen asleep on me too, but this time she wraps her arm around me and puts her head on my chest
>just go with it and put my arm around her
>slowly, more and more shooting stars appear
>start as these tiny streaks and turn into these brilliantly bright white streaks that shoot across the sky faster than anything else
>really pretty desu, I highly recommend
>midway through she just kinda looks up at me but doesn't say anything
>starts getting a little teary-eyed

this better have a happy end or a funny fucking punchline user because im hooked

Not larping. I'm actually this much of a POS

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>takes a deep breath, looks me in the eye and says "I'm so happy to have you in my life, user"
>I, an intellectual, tell her that she's a great friend and I'm glad to have her too because I pick up on nothing
>From that moment on, she always seemed a little bit sadder
>week goes on fairly normally though
>that friday she begs me to watch netflix with her
>remind her I was gonna go to a frat party at sigma house, but say she should come with me
>says she's not feeling great, begs me to stay
>tell her I will, but ask if I can swing by for a little after we're done watching
>"yeah I guess so..."
>hours go by, but she falls asleep on my chest, arms around me
>don't have the heart to wake her up, looks so peaceful
>set the laptop at the bedside and just cuddle with her
>I think she planned this, looking back
>next day she seems remarkably chipper, brings me and her some breakfast her roommate brought
>stays happy all week
>figure it might have been her period or something because I'm just great at logic and reasoning
>next friday I accidentally blew off plans with April because some girl on the soccer team came over to my dorm
>been talking to her for a few days, basically just planning to hook up again
>start fooling around
>right as my dick was about to go in her mouth, April and my roommate walk in
>roommate laughs and walks back out
>April stares and looks so defeated
>walks away after a few seconds
>the next week she seems really down but tries to act normal
>doesn't wanna go to the gym
>confront her about it at lunch that wednesday
>ask her why she's so down lately

Fuck user, this hurts to read.
How important did you rate looks in attracting april?
I would love to find a girl like that and cherish her.
Is it enough if I make it to 88Kg (190lbs) at 185cm(6'1'') height?
What lead you to attract her?

>"I just have a lot going on right now, it's a lot to handle"
>tell her I'll do anything she wants to this weekend if she wants to hang out with me
>she was silent for a moment, but then smiled a little
>"can we just go look at the stars again, user? I loved doing that"
>tell her of course, convince roommate to borrow jeep (top was off, easy view)
>pick her up from class on friday and take a nap in her dorm
>feelsgoodman
>when we wake up, I asked her if she wanted to bring anyone else that evening
>"Can it just be you and me this time?"
>oddly enough, this was the first thing that made me question if she was into me
>don't think too much of it though, and agree
>she had the idea to make a fire and make smores, so we stopped by the grocery store before driving up to the viewpoint
>get there, totally quiet, no moon, every star and the milky way are fairly visible
>cuddle up in a sleeping bag thing I brought (even for the desert, it gets kinda cold that time of year)
>she starts running her hand on my chest
>looks straight at me
>"user?"
>look back at her
>"I love you, user"

tough to say, she's such a pure soul. she's not super concerned with looks, but being big helped a lot.
Part of it was probably just the fact that I was generally outgoing and played football, but honestly if you stay lean, you'll only get more attractive the bigger you get (up to 240ish)

Also; continue the story, I want to see how this drama ends.
Do you do weightlifting?
Is bodyweight enough to train, if I ramp up to the really difficult movements like elevated one arm pushups and lone legged weighted squats etc?

user im not chadwick here but i want you to know you dont need to change yourself for anyone but flings. your looks wont hurt you when you find a gal like april

Do you think the "fit animu boy" physique is enough?
I don't really want to wreck my joints just to compensate for my autism and get a gf...
Ny by that I mean just having the muscle groups visible, without much bulk or volume.

Hmm, I will go to college in a few months.
Was she just a random girl there?
Man, a girl like that would be so sweet.

you can gain endurance and get toned but strength and size really require weights. I would recommend stronglifts 5x5 and just eating more

And toning is probably just gay, right?
Okay, I will see what I can do and just try to where I get this time when I eat enough.
I didn't want ot derail, keep posting.

dont forget about Jow Forums for later user

weights won't wreck your joints. pick a weight that is easy on your frame and do slow reps with good form until you're near failure, then rack the weights until you're ready for another set. That said, girls like big more than shredded, it's like a teddy bear thing I think. both are ideal but if you get a little fluffy putting on weight I wouldn't sweat it.

Thanks for you tips.
Continue the depressing story, please.

>my entire train of thought came to a screeching halt
>peak autism as I stare blankly
>she goes on, "I was upset at that party because I can't stand to see you do that with other girls and I don't want to talk to other guys. I feel like I'll never be good enough for you. I know I'll never be like those other girls because they're all so pretty and I've never even had sex before. Everything about you is so perfect and it just bothers me that I can never have you. I'm sorry if this seems like I'm putting a lot on you at once, but if you give me a chance I promise I will be the best girlfriend you've ever had and I will do anything you want."
>holy shit
>it all made sense now
>obviously I was pretty taken back, but after processing for a moment I put two and two together
>it all made sense
>realize what a piece of shit I am
>realize I constantly reject the one person who will do anything just to make me happy
>quietly say "sorry" in her ear and pull her in to hug her
>at this point I feel a mix of guilt and regret that's overwhelming
>feel awful, tell her I'm sorry and she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want

>feel spots on my chest getting wet
>realize after a moment that it's teardrops
>she's sniffling quietly
>could not feel like a worse person at this point
>ask her what will make her feel better
>she pulls away when she realizes I see her crying
>April sheepishly says "I'm sorry I got so emotional about this, I just wanted you to know how I feel I guess"
>pull her head in and kiss her
>for a moment, that feeling outweighed the feeling of being a complete piece of shit chad
>just hold her there for a bit and play with her hair
>I can tell she's really happy now, she's smiling all cute again how she does
>April looks at me again after a little while and says "I'm sorry, do you still wanna do something tomorrow, user?"
>tell her "of course"
>says her friends are hiking in some canyon valley with a long ass indian name
>one of the bros is gonna be there

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I have to leave for work in less than three hours now. Driving around an empty Nogova in the middle of the night and rain, listening to missing 411 coast to coast.

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>everyone is gonna do LSD apparently
>she's scared and wants me there
>afterwards we we drove the jeep back to my dorm and she fell asleep on me before I could take her back to hers
>pull the covers over her and just let her sleep
>next day she woke up before me and had got breakfast
>sat down on me and put her face up really close to mine
>whispers "anoooon... I got breakfast"
>this reminds me again why I don't fucking deserve her
>sit up and kiss her
>happiest I'd seen her in months, probably ever
>"I'm really scared user" she said with a nervous but happy smile "you'll do it with me right?"
>I'm not exactly ready to hallucinate for 12 hrs but I agree of course

This is one long ass story

>once we get to the valley I realize what a terrible idea this seems like
>the plan is to take LSD and wander around until it wears off and go home
>we have one sober person to make sure we all get home, but still seems sketchy
>do it anyway because college
>takes almost 45 minutes to get full effects, but there's no dragons or anything, colors and patterns just become amazingly beautiful
>so does April
>we're still grounded to reality pretty well, so we walked up a short trail to an overlook point
>sit down and take in the sheer beauty of the canyon
>April cuddles up against me
>pure fucking bliss
>it all made so much sense all the sudden
>look at her and tell her "I love you too"
>she looked so incredible right then, I can't even describe it
>start kissing her
>start kissing her neck
>she's super into it, takes off her glasses (didn't wanna mess with contacts on LSD)
>keep going until we're just laying naked on a big ass rock
>didn't have sex or anything
>felt like we were becoming the same person at this point
>everything was so intense
>just held onto each other until we started to come down a little and started to head back

sorry I'll stop posting. got carried away

Get fucked I'm invested now , finish it cunt

chadbot give us the juicy stuff, your cute 'i love you too' was appreciated though

you're always a winner at the end of your story

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chadbot dont fucking blueball us

I will like to stream my sucide to give back to the chans and provide some keks.

>been depressed since ????

>be more hardy

Bro with all respect you dont even have depression all your life, some people here have ALWAYS been depressed like never happy in life.

It is not based on where they are in life tehy are just fucking depressed and sucide seems like the best answer for these people.

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>we're loopy and everything is just confusing now
>I don't remember leaving but I remember getting back to her dorm
>she was starting to freak out
>I don't remember why or exactly what but it had to do with those other sloots
>I think she was just having party flashbacks
>made me freak out so they gave me a "tripkiller" which is a lot like xanax
>I think they gave her one too but I don't remember, she fell asleep anyway
>as it kicked in I calmed down a lot but got really tired
>someone unfamiliar escorted me away
>wake up in dorm of thot I knew way before April
>writhe out of bed in a panic
>kick sheets everywhere
>yell "what the fuck happened"
>get dizzy from coming off the drugs
>fall back on bed
>sloot is there
>says "calm down haha I just let you crash here"
>goes into bathroom for a minute
>frantically text april everything, freak out and start swearing up and down I had no control over what was going on
>quietly leave and head back to my dorm
>when I go to unlock my door I see that the thot is fucking following me
>"hey where do you think you're going?" thot asks in her skank voice
>just say "my dorm"
>right as I'm turning the key I hear a really loud smacking noise
>look back
>April and her friend were there
>her friend knocked the sloot out cold in one shot
>April looks at me and smiles
>"wanna get some food?"
>we went to denny's and agreed that we're never doing drugs outside or with those people again
>once we were back to normal we quickly had a normal relationship going
I still feel awful I was a chad yet I got to be her first for almost everything, but everyday I try to make her day and make her feel cherished.

I bought her engagement ring a week ago.

The end? I want to go back to sleep

fug, thank you for that feel

>tfw you will never experience anything like this

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could have kept going but you guys thought the drama was gay a drug out. point of the story is I fixed my chad ways and am gonna propose soon

I think life hates me. I have been sick for like 4 months now. Have had a permanent cold for like a year and i cant sleep. I just want to feel better again please

>suicide seems like the best answer for these people
Depression is just an emotion, it isn't a fact. Things aren't really that bad, and they will get better too. Plus, with all the fucked up shit in the media going on everyday don't you want to see how it all unravels? I remember when George W. Bush was president it seemed like the end of a combination and there couldn't be a more epic president after that. Then we had a Black president and now Trump. How would you like to get reincarnated as a wolf in the forest somewhere with no internet, a comfy bed or even the ability to speak? Watch this video and tell me if you want that to be you:
youtube.com/watch?v=VHKc93qr0Tg

My beloved cat died two months ago at the age of only almost 13, and I keep crying and wailing and screaming every day because it was my fault.
Apparently he had end stage cancer, and even though small bumps on his belly were present for no less than a year or two, and he would cough from time to time in his last four to six months, I only realized there was a problem when obvious breathing issues occurred.
I didn't get lucky with the vet, she was pretty much useless, didn't even do an xray right away, gave him some shots and told me to come for an xray on Monday (it was Saturday evening at the time). He seemed fine after we came home, but I didn't like how she was treating him so decided to get him to another clinic in the morning.
He went into respiratory failure and died in my arms in the early morning before I could do anything.
I hate myself and I want to die.
He was always there for me and I let him down like this.

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My cat got hit by a car. He was fine but then died of PTSD or some stress relates thing to the car accident 2 years later. I couldnt do anything to save it. Stay strong bro. Dont beat yourself up about it too bad

thanks for the feels bro it hit me right in the heart,
cherish that girl bro

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Checked.

I am SO glad that you cherish her.
Man, I was feeling real worried for a moment.
I hope I can find a girl like that too.

Hm, yeah, you are probably right, these people may very well be fucked up way more than me.
It was interesting conversing with them either way.
I however cannot morally or even legally advise suicide.
I wonder how these people feel, when they actually have that gun in the mouth or that ratchet strap around the neck.
I would assume that primal instincs would have to kick in...
You are maybe right in the end, I am not sure how I view euthanasia, but maybe it is actually humane.
Coming from Germany I am kind of split on this, all edgy jokes aside.

This is why I am weary of getting a pet, it seems so painful to watch them go...

There is nothing to enjoy in life and it will be gone one day.
Ouchie

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With for/b/s (furbies) they can't die. The only problem is they doesn't speak English so I can't understand him, but atleast he dances when I play music or guitar.

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I just cannot comprehend that this is actual life for some people.

Fuck you to hell Aprilposter. I hate you.

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I feel like garbage, nobody wants me and nobody ever will see any value in me.

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i'm going bald, planned to kill my self at 24 years old and i'm 24 years old.
Never kiseed a girl, never touched the hand of a girl.
Going bald is making me afraid, i don't want to start a relation and ruin girl expectation because i'm going to be bald in the future.

I'm planning to kill myself at the end of the year or maybe next year but mostly because i don't what the hell i'm doing here and i don't want to be a parasite to my parents anymore.

The story was really nice larp or not, but it sure made me feel like shit about myself.

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>the person who cares the most, loses
I was finally comfortable being alone, for almost 4 years, and then I was stupid enough to make a friend
How do people deal with this? I wonder all the time if I'm engaging too much, not enough, saying the right things, the wrong things, waiting for the other shoe to drop
I wish I'd never have replied in that thread

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having friends or a drive to focus on what i need to focus on would be nice

The only person out there who really loves me, I have no romantic interest in whatsoever. If this isn't tip top irony I don't know what is.

Anyone else slowly began disliking the guys you were hanging out with for no obvious reason?
I used to banter with some buds, but now the same injokes and banter we used to have are extremely annoying to me.
I distanced myself from the only people i got along with and now i have no one left.
Why am i like this.

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I've stopped caring enough to make myself food and I'm now officially underweight. I can't picture myself getting a job or going back to school and my parents will kick me out in a year or two if I don't. Probably going to kms in a couple months to a year honestly. It's all good though.

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I know this feel. I had a decent amount of friends in middle school, but started to hate/resent them so I distanced myself from them all and by the time high school ended, all my old friends didnt talk to me and I hadn't made any new friends and I still havent.
And its all my fault. Oh well, I'm not that sad really.

try pizza lel

I distract myself from the pain called life by buying goods I think will fulfill me.
I've only had my Mazda 2 for a year and a half and am already saving up for a 2019 MX5-RF. At 5k currently after 3 months.

Something more abstract, I want to walk naked through an empty world. It's absolutely suffocating that there's people everywhere. You can't do anything without being seen.
I want to be alone in an open, wide area.

You should tell them the truth user

Right now I feel cool, calm and collected.

But it is just the outer shell that encapsulates my anger, hate and bitterness.

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Damn, how did that feel when the gun jammed? Was is rough?

What method have you chosen, user?

I think you have to keep at it over the course of months before you feel any real changes. I tried this sort of thing a few years back. I'd say I went from an average wellbeing of about 3/10 to 4.5/10. It was just too slow for me and I pretty much gave it up.

It does make a difference though. If you can keep at it over the course of a decade you could probably become a chad, or at least a well-adjusted fun loving normie.

>is working out and getting education worth it

Try it out. If you don't feel at least slightly better over 6months-1yr, end it I suppose.

these are my exact feels. I'm trying to find a solution. I want to resolve this existential crisis and become a person again. In all my searching, I've found no solution and other people who have sought it found nothing but despair as well.

Back to finishing off this beer and idly shitposting my days away for me I suppose.

>the gun jammed
How so?

The cute boy keeps avoiding me at lunchtime but at the same time he keeps staring in my direction when we're working. I've noticed this myself or when my table neighbour taps my arm.
>tfw no clear idea if he's interested in getting to know me better or not

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Honestly nothing is going to happen at this rate unless you confront him and say you like him.

>tfw mom makes fun of an autistic person on TV while you're in the room

I know, I know. I just have yet to get the chance.

nothing is ever going to be okay guys

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I constantly daydream about dying but not committing suicide. I always envision myself dying in the last stand against a horde of enemies. Like I'm covering the retreat of my comrades and giving my life for something greater. The few who stay with me are also those willing to fight with me until the very end. And so we fire our guns into the horde of enemies until we run out of bullets. Then we bring out our bayonets and do one last valorous charge into the enemy. Something a lot like the battle of Rorke's drift but all of us dying in the end but for a greater cause. I think about this every day and have for the past 10 years. I'm 22.

Finally have left my mind fall into the abyss of hate and violence again realizing no one could love someone fucked up as me.

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I'm finally reaching the point of absolute misery, when not even video games or anime can even distract me anymore. The only thing I have been doing these past few weeks was browsing Jow Forums and jacking off, and even those things get boring as most of the shit here just repeats itself over and over. The only thing keeping me in reality and stopping me from developing meme tier thoughts like thinking I'm actually better than anyone is my family, which I slowly begin to despise aswell without even having a reason to.

I'm also living in a cucked country that won't just let me blow my brains out, so pretty much the only easy and reliable method to off myself with the least harm done to others is practically impossible for me to execute.

>execute
>exeCUTE
:3