Aspies and Friendship

Ive never been diagnosed, Im a normie but with an autistic streak where Ill get obsessed and fixated on something and can talk your ear off if you let me. Thankfully Im normal enough to pick up hints that its time to stop ranting so nobody is forced to choose between ignoring me or telling me to shutup. Because of this aspie streak I get along well with all but the most broken aspies.

Remember its not that aspies dont care, its that they cant tell. Imagine if everyone wore masks that hid the face, baggy ckithes that hide body language, and communicate only by text so no tone of voice. Without someone going into explicit detail you'd never know what people were like or how they thought. This is an aspies world. They easily forget that you have heard quite enough to get the point after a few sentences on a topic, and often there isn't even a point they're just dumping their encyclopedic knowlege. Everyone loves to hear about the incremental changes in manufacturing process that led us to the high endurance ball bearings we take for granted today right?

Some tips.
>You cannot communicate by tone, expression, body language, subtext or hints. You must make explicit statements of your feelings and intentions.
>Conversations don't have a point or objective to an aspie, its just information in spoken word form. Isn't information wonderful in its own right?
>Youd be surprised how tolerant an aspie is of your own aspie streak. You like Jackie Chan movies? He'll probably happily listen to you go on about the finer points of what makes Jackie Chan such an amazing actor director and choreographer.

I'm genuinily (sex) friends with a guy with aspergers
He received therapy and all, so I didn't really noticed it
And he can get focused on talking about his interests but he doesnt go nuts about it
It was pretty hard for him to get through a lot of stuff because of that, but we do have a nice relationship and sexual life
I heard othee aspies just have 0 interest in sex tho, or romance
Personally I like people with passion, but yeah I guess such long spechs will be annoying

You mentioned serving customers, this is important. In any job where you have to interact with random people you'll run into people like him, people that don't have anybody to talk to. They'll come to your place of work and talk to you because they have nobody else and they know you can't leave or tell them off.

He definitely knows he has Asbergers, he tells me about it. But he doesn't think it does much to him mentally (it pretty obviously does when you talk to him).

So he won't be too upset if I just told him that I'm not interested in his interest? I honestly don't want to make him sad, he seems like a nice guy under all the weirdness.

So he kind of knows he's doing it? He'll literally stand and lecture me about his stuff for over an hour, even if I don't really respond or I'm clearly doing something else.

I'm glad to know he likes me though, he seems like a good guy. I guess it must be pretty hard to deal with other people when you can't really understand what they want.

About the picking his nose thing...if I said something like 'do you want a tissue' when he does it, is that enough to draw his attention to it? Or do I need to be more blunt than that? If I said 'that's enough about [subject] for today' and smiled, is that okay? It's really hard to imagine being so blunt with him without hurting his feelings but I guess if it'd help him he might not take it the wrong way.

Also thanks for answering my questions, you guys are a big help.

Their partner is close enough to them to tell them directly they don't want to hear anymore of it instead of hinting and then getting annoyed when they don't pick up on it.

I didn't know tone of voice was an issue as well, I'll have to remember that and try to be more straightforward. He's actually a nice guy, he helps me out around the place while he's giving me his lectures, I just couldn't see why he wanted to tell me all these things.

Yeah, I've met my fair share of those! But this guy seems to actually want to be my friend and I don't think he's had a friend before. I'm happy to be his friend, I just wanted to understand him a bit more because of some of the stuff he does.

From what people have said in here though, I think I have a better handle on how to interact with him now.

Yeah you can really be that blunt, just say straight up "Don't pick your nose in front of me, it grosses me out".

>If I said 'that's enough about [subject] for today' and smiled, is that okay?

Yes.

I'm not saying that autistics are stoics which can take on an infinite amount of bluntness in regards to how they're bothering others, generally they're mentally a fucking mess because of constant social rejection.

It's just, just understand that giving an autist a subtle hint is the same as just not communicating with them. You need to be blunt, and if you're feeling that they're having a hard day and they can't take that bluntness, and you don't want to hurt them, you just need to say nothing and pretend you're interested.

Why are you on Jow Forums then you inept piece of shit.

>every conversation is an hour long lecture
Youve never met a high-functioning aspie, have you?

Yes. The autist socializes themselves to do regular checks that somebody is still interested in what they're saying to avoid rambling. Their partner socializes themselves by being far more blunt and direct than they would be with the average person, and telling them to shut the fuck up when they're bothering them. They use places like Jow Forums as an outlet to write 2000 character posts about their ultra specific autistic interests.

You can also have autist + autist relationships, although it might surprise you how many autists aren't into this.

Generally autists are alone and virgins at a much later age than most of the population for a reason though. People don't want damaged goods. It's harder to get along with people socially. They have low social status and low social status is unattractive. For somebody to else get into a relationship with them, they need to adapt by doing things like not taking a lack of eye contact as a sign of rudeness or disinterest, and being extra blunt.

It is possible for an autist to get into a relationship, and sometimes he can bring things to the table like a six figure programmers salary. It's hard though. Some autists just can't make it, pic related.

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Okay, I can do that. Sometimes he does look like he's had a rough day (once he got rejected for some part time voluntary work) and I think he comes in to see me to cheer up - I'm a pretty happy person for the most part. He definitely looked happier after he got a chance to tell me about some stuff he'd been really interested in so that was worth listening to him rant. I'll try and take your advice and be more blunt with him when it's a busy day. I think if bluntness is the key I'll make sure to tell him we're still friends and he can come back and talk to me when it's quiet, that way he hopefully won't feel like he's getting rejected.

Definitely going to have to tell him the nose picking thing is gross though, when he does that I think he's sort of forgotten he's out in public or something.

Aw this thread made me smile. I'm glad there's people like you OP who are willing to be kind and patient with aspies. It's nice to see.

Why would someone with autism not want to be in a relationship with someone else who has it?

I had an autistic lady who used to come into my work a few years ago, her special interest was Street Fighter (the movie). She'd always see our autism charity box and tell us she hated "them" and that we should take it away. I never understood why. She didn't have Asbergers, though, she had full blown autism.

Because people with higher or lower functioning don't like talking I people the different rate as them . I have autism and aspies so I would know

I'm glad there's people willing to patiently answer my questions - it's a real help. I was trying to read articles to get a handle on why he does stuff but this has been much easier to understand.

>So he kind of knows he's doing it?

Autists are aware that they ramble and other people don't like it, but it's somewhat of a compulsion that they suppress.

From an Jow Forums perspective, it's obviously immoral to bother others with rambling so they have a duty to suppress this and should know better. They should act "normal" and the more normal an autist can act, the better of a person they are. It's okay to shun Autists who do not act "normal" otherwise you're rewarding their antisocial behavior.

From an SJW perspective, they are always going to ramble more than others and we should be forgiving to them because it is just their nature. Their hyper-specific interests are what make autists so prominent and useful in places like silicon valley. We should respect their "neurodiversity". Autists have it hard enough and they need somebody to be their friend and like them for who they are.

Try to gauge for yourself how much he's rambling because he just can't help himself, and how much he's doing it because he just doesn't care that he's bothering others. Forgive the former, punish the latter.

They can want somebody who can help them experience a normal life and socialise them to be more normal, and another autist is not that person.

i'm an aspie and i have those kinds of tendencies
but i think this person is a rare case who for some reason failed to learn through observation how much is too much.

since he can't take hints and doesn't seem to have the sharpest observational prowess you don't have much choice other than calmly explaining to him that you're not interested in hearing his lectures.

I guess I should let him do it now and then like the other guy said, maybe just when he's had a hard day. It seems to really cheer him up when he gets to tell me all the things he's been researching so I think it's okay for him to do it when it's quiet.

He seems to be fine with me just sort of getting on with my work while he's talking, too. I'm not really ignoring him but I do kind of tune him out, he doesn't seem to mind it, though. I'll have to have a blunt but friends-level talk with him about doing it when it's busy but I'm more encouraged to do it after reading all this. I was worried I'd hurt his feelings but it sounds like I shouldn't be too concerned. If he knows he's doing it but can't really help it I think he'll understand. I get super excited about stuff too and want to rant about it, it must just feel like that but all the time.

This has honestly been the best thread I have seen on Jow Forums in literal fucking years. I seriousoy cannot think of a better use for this board. Good work OP

I will mention on top of what's already been said that it's not nessecarily the case that being the best friend of the autist is being infinitely tolerant of him being annoying.

It's accepting him for his more annoying traits, but it's also pushing him to be less annoying and more socially well adjusted by calling him out when he does something... well autistic that annoys/disgusts other people. You need to find the right amount of pressure to apply to push him to be a better more socially well adjusted person, who annoys you and other people less, while not breaking him through constant criticism. Especially constantly criticism absent praise.

Jesus Christ. And I worry that I'm socially unaware sometimes with my high functioning autism

Do some research on his favorite subject. Aspies love it when they talk to a fellow fanatic. As for the nose picking just politely tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.

We all do this. My friends and I would just rant at each other for hours about stereotyped topics. Ex did it, too. No, we don't realize it. You could just point it out gently, or you could just tell him that he talks at people and not to them.

i have it but i dont do this
i think this is a special mix of some type of mega autism combined with extraordinarily low iq

Since were talking about assburgers, anyone else have a hard time knowing if something you do is an asperger's sympton of you just having shit social skills? Whenever someone touches me without informing me about it first, I'll usually flinch and try to pull away from them. I've got no idea if this is an aspergers thing or just me being socially retarded/touch starved.

t: assburgers

>when every conversation is an hour long lecture
Most aspies will learn to not give hour long lectures if you tell them to.

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I was in a relationship with an aspie. The hardest part wasn't the hour long lectures, it's that he wouldn't talk at all. He gave one world answers and said "I don't know" to a lot of things, even if I asked him different ways to elaborate. You have to be selective with how you ask him a question and how many questions too, because he'll easily shut down.

>What keeps me up at night all these years later is the idea that I could have annoyed people and made their lives more miserable and they were too polite to just tell me directly so I could correct my behavior and actually have a good friendly relationship with them.
Yeah, reliving instances of this feels like PTSD. It's constant for me, can't live it down. I don't know if it's an equal severity for all autists but it really blows. I don't (think) I'm autistic anymore, but I still can't forget all the stupid shit like that. It used to be all I could think was "Why didn't they just tell me?"

There's a difference between an annoying spergy sperg, and a silent spergy sperg. The silent spergy sperg usually won't annoy other people as much in public as the annoying spergy sperg, but they probably don't even want to become friends with people nearly as much as the annoying spergy sperg does.

Skip to 1:07
m.youtube.com/watch?v=QFt2aZvg3qE

I'm guilty of this just because I know I could start rambling on about something and would rather cut myself short than spew a bunch of autism. It's probably equally emotionally obnoxious for the people that do it, because I find myself constantly thinking about what I would have LIKED to have said after one of those questions, or how I could have said it in a less autistic way than I would have had I just started talking. I wish I would've had an appropriate time to think before answering, but you can't really ask that of a non-autist because it shows how socially retarded you are.

>Why would someone with autism not want to be in a relationship with someone else who has it?
I knew a guy with aspergers once. We were technically friends, but often ended up getting into long winded arguments over fairly minute things ("firefox vs chrome", "windows 7 vs windows 8.1", "Wi-Fi vs. Wired ethernet", "streaming anime vs. torrenting it" etc.). We could go on forever since neither of us could step down. Its like an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force. Having a gf and having to argue with her constantly would be tiring. Also aspies are generally socially awkward so even if two aspies met eachother and liked eachother, it would be hard for them to express their feelings and end up in a relationship.

t: aspergers diagnosis, but believes its overdiagnoses by Big Pharma to sell more meds to concerned parents

That sounds like autism, not assburgers to me.

t. actual aspie

Is there any hope at all if you don't make bank? I don't want to be alone the rest of my life.
I've been trying to improve, I'm more of a recluse and I have such a hard time meeting people it seems almost impossible.

Not aspie, but friends with aspies and dated one, also have a few traits myself.

Not everyone on the spectrum is the same and everyone experiences their autism differently. I'll try to explain things how people on the spectrum typically perceive themselves and social situations.

>Does he genuinely have no idea that he's just talking at me for ages?
Yes. When an aspie gets on a subject, typically there is no part of his brain that tells him when to stop. Something enters his mind and it becomes very rooted, like a cat to a laser pointer. there's a strong passion or focus.

>That it's very boring to anyone but him? He has certain subjects he likes to give lectures about, no matter if anyone else is interested or not.
Yes and no. Aspies can't perceive what other people are feeling based on facial expressions alone very well. He's not intentionally trying to bore you. He may even notice you don't care that much, but there's nothing there that tells him this is a bad thing, so he keeps talking.

>Is he messing with me?
No.

>He gave the (sort of awkward) impression he liked me to begin with but now he just walks in and starts talking.
He likes you. Aspies hate socializing most of the time, they easily have burnout. He trusts you.

>How can I tell him that his special subjects are not things I'm interested in and that he has to not pick his nose in public? I don't want to make him sad, but I don't want to hear any more lectures, either.
Be blunt. Not in an asshole kind of way, just forward. Don't dance around the issue. He may still keep talking after you've politely asked him to. Again, not intentional, just the way his mind works. Just gently remind him.

Speaking of autism/assburgers, anyone else here like Mary & Max? Also how do you fellow aspies feel now that Hans Aspergers was declared to be a nazi supporter?
youtube.com/watch?v=KZ3vlMO-Z-I

Offensive tb.h. It implies that all people on the autism spectrum have the same symptoms, even though the spectrum is very fucking wide and people on the spectrum can have different symptoms. It can range from barely linguistic autists like pic related to people like Chris-chan and Mark Zuckerberg (though its not confirmed he's on the spectrum). Thats why the term "aspergers syndrome" is being removed from official use sincei t doesn't really mean anything but a general range of symptoms found in high functioning autists.

t: asperger's

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I told him to take as long as he needs to answer. His automatic answer to most things, even something like, "What career would you like to have?" ends in "I don't know." It's like this for EVERY question. It's literally impossible to get to know this guy. He's completely shut off.

I like it when a guy rambles a lot. He was like that when I first met him. I didn't mind his aspie traits at all. He always apologized for stimming, when I never even noticed. I shake my legs and walk on my toes too. It's never bothered me.

have you confronted him about it?

Don't compare a retard like Chris-chan to Mark Zuckerberg. Chris never did shit because he was a total retard, unlike Zuckerberg.

I was trying to point out that the autism spectrum is wide as fuck and can accommodate a wide range of people. Some autists are barely human and survive on pure instinct and some are human but try to rely on pure logic rather than social rules. Then some try to apply logic to the social rules and then you end up with stuff like PUA

Yes, he just said, "That's how I am." " I don't pay attention to it." Things along those lines. I tried rephrasing the question, always led to the same deer in headlights response, even if I told him to take a week and think about it. Eventually he broke up with me, and I feel like me trying to ask these questions was part of the reason.

Jesus christ, this is me.
Why did god make me this way ?
Why cant I just be normal...

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Were you disappointed when he did? What attracted you to him?

Can you have conversations with aspies? Never meet one but by what I am reading they just start talking never shut up? Like can you hold a conversation or its like talking to some recorder?

Yes, I really wanted to work things about, but there's no sense in arguing with an aspie when their mind is set, so I let it go. He cut off contact with me as well, we couldn't even remain friends.

He was the dorky guy in high school. He stood out like a sore thumb because he's 6'4, hunched over, and always wearing headphones. He had a crush on me and used to follow me around. I found it utterly adorable. He got really excited around me because we had similar interests, so he'd talk non-stop about it to impress me. He was a really sweet guy. We were friends from freshman year until college. Then he wanted nothing to do with me when dating didn't work out.

Oh well.

Some of them you can hold a conversation with, but some of them were just never told to shut the fuck up every once in a while.

If you acknowledge your symptoms you can actively work to counteract them. You can learn to actively do eye contact and you can actively learn to limit talking about your specific interests. Also you can "game" the system since normalfags will usually think you're highly intelligent if they learn you have the 'spergs (even though most aspies are around average IQ). Also in NEETbux countries its easier to get NEETbux if you're officially diagnosed

t: asperger pro

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>It is possible for an autist to get into a relationship, and sometimes he can bring things to the table like a six figure programmers salary.
I have a fucking soul, and what I bring to the relationship is myself. I'm not some heartless, unlovable automaton that can only be tolerated if I bring material gain along. The way I am isn't a fucking flaw detracting from what could otherwise be an acceptable person. It IS who I am, and it informs everything from the way I think to the way I move and experience the world around me. You're not trying to see past it and glimpse real humanity underneath; I'm already a fucking human being who feels love and joy and loneliness and grief and excitement and anger and pain and wist and longing and nostalgia and all the rest just like you.
If you're so blind to the light that dwells in people that you can't see it in me, or worse, if you seriously think I'm some kind of robotic fucking shell, then I don't even want your friendship, and I sure as shit don't want to share a 6-figure salary with you. I'm not somebody whose autism can be forgiven because I have redeeming qualities. There's nothing about me that needs forgiving, and if you're worried about losing social status by association with me, or about being embarrassed, then fuck off.
Sometimes I wonder if it isn't NT's who have some kind of deficit. I understand them perfectly well with all of the bullshit they wrap themselves in, and yet they can't seem to understand people who wear their hearts openly.

Some of us do just rant, but a lot of us are better than that. I personally used to do it, but I've come to realize how rude and masturbatory it is.

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Who I am is defined by how I affect others. I talked about writing 2000 character posts on Jow Forums instead of talking to people in real life. Today I've helped arrange mod interviews for a great community that has tripled in size since I joined it and started contributing to it generally. I've helped people in this thread help to understand autists and be sympathetic to them, but at the same time push them to be better people. I've helped another person in another thread who was suicidal but wanted to try drugs before they went.

This was using my autistic energy in a pro-social direction, rather than ranting at the face of some normie about trains for an hour and saying "Well this is just who I am". I am more educated than most people and exceptional at using computers. I can do a lot of good for the world through this. I can also provide for others through this. This does not make me an automaton, this is a manifestation of my strength and my helping of others.

My friends have always been annoyed by my rambling, but they also ask me questions like I'm a fucking sage. I seem to know something about almost everything due to a lifetime of obsessive knowledge gathering. My tendency to talk nonstop has made me better and better at articulating myself and arguing well.

I am however not a person who sees who I am as a flaw, I see myself as flawed and blessed. My disability has been a great burden and hinderance to others, to the point I've had problems forgiving myself. It kills me how where other people easily find love, me trying to find love is an exercise in me bothering and hurting other people, women have been scared of me and tried to seek help from others to get me to stop talking to them. I cringe realising how I've held up classrooms of people asking autistic questions and making autistic comments nobody cares about.

I don't believe I'm without virtue, but the flaws of the autist do make relationships difficult. It's a lonely life.

>The way I am isn't a fucking flaw detracting from what could otherwise be an acceptable person. It IS who I am, and it informs everything from the way I think to the way I move and experience the world around me.
>You're not trying to see past it and glimpse real humanity underneath; I'm already a fucking human being who feels love and joy and loneliness and grief and excitement and anger and pain and wist and longing and nostalgia and all the rest just like you.
Powerful stuff. Got shivers down my spine reading your post. Neurotypical holocaust when?

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sounds exactly like my high school relationship, except i was less autistic (probably)

>I've come to realize how rude and masturbatory it is
you sure you didn't just do it twice in a row?

Cont. a bit

For me though, it's essential, essential for me to develop redeeming qualities because I seek and crave social interaction. Acceptance. Love. Yet in some ways loving and befriending an autist will always be a burden in some ways.

I just want my virtue to outweigh that. I don't want to be that disabled person who somebody was kind enough to treat with pity like OP. I want people to want to be with me. I want to respect myself and have confdience that I'm a good person. I can't do that by simply bee-ing myself, I have to develop constantly into a better person, steel myself, harden myself.

If that's true, I feel less terrible about the way things happened. I guess aspie dating is not for me.

So what do /r9aspies/ think of this?
sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/03/180312201647.htm
>Autism's social deficits are reversed by an anti-cancer drug
I fee like if I started taking the drug, my personality would change. I know its a disorder, but if ASD causes me to behave, talk and walk like I do, then "curing" it would change who I am fundamentally. Of course there might be benefits low functioning autists for whom regular life is too intense due to how hypersensitive they are.

If the shit worked I'd take it. I'm fine with changing fundamentally.

you sure he didn't cut you off for your sake rather than his? When I broke up with that girl it was because I felt like I couldn't dedicate myself to her in a way that would make her happy. I felt guilty and kind of stopped talking to her. I see now it's pretty likely she blamed herself for what happened the same way you seem to. I should've handled it better but I just got myself to believe she didn't care about me anymore or something

You need to tell him. My gf will rant for hours and has difficulty stopping. She is unable to discern body language (she got tested and had a 13% success rate with faces) and if left to her own devices cannot stop, I have tested this. She's also the only other autistic person I can handle.

Yeah. I didn't just explain the entire setting of Megaman Legends to you for 5 hours.

Everybody has to change in order to grow and become a better person. But I absolutely refuse to be treated like I'm some fucking calculator without a heart, and a relationship entails that a person loves ME, not just what I can give them.
When I loved my aspie ex, it meant that I loved the autistic parts, too. I loved the way she flapped her hands and hopped up and down when she was excited or happy, because that was an expression of her being joyful, and that's beautiful. It meant I loved her little stereotypes and idiosyncrasies. It meant I loved the little speech impediment because it was HER voice. I loved her smile even without it being perfectly symmetrical and even if it was a little goofy, because it was HER smile, and because I liked the goofy parts.
People are mind-bogglingly superficial.

I had come clean to him and told him having a relationship was difficult for me, as it was for him, because I couldn't tell what emotions I was feeling if any. I have major depression and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts. I had made a plan, but he asked me out, so I decided to push the date further back and see if things worked out. He called the police and I was taken to the hospital and put on a hold. I figured he was probably upset and needed a break, so decided not to call him until the next morning. When I did, he immediately broke up with me and hung up. I texted him when I got out and he wouldn't reply. Two weeks later when he did reply, he just told me he didn't want to date and it wasn't for him. We haven't spoken since.

I don't know what to make of it. It took everything not to run in front of a car after that.

Just tell him to stop. He will probably be grateful that you didn't assume for him to follow arbitrary social cues, but rather just told him to stop. The world would be better off if all humans just flat out said what they meant. Imagine how efficient it would be
>talk to a girl
>feel like she would be a good gf for you
>tell her "I like you. Would you like to date?"
>she either says "yes" or "no" with no bullshit
Efficient as fuck. Same with sex
>"Wanna have sex?"
>"yes"/"no"

huh, I suppose it was his first relationship? He tried so hard to get you, and then when he achieved his goal he faced a kind of disillusionment where he didn't care as much anymore. Is that accurate? Maybe not, but I feel this happens to me often.

>I suppose it was his first relationship?
Yep.

>He tried so hard to get you, and then when he achieved his goal he faced a kind of disillusionment where he didn't care as much anymore.
I believe this too. I think relationships weren't what he was expecting them to be. I don't blame him, I felt the same way. I just feel used now though. I had this voice telling me in the back of my head dating him was going to hurt like a motherfucker. I need to listen to that voice.

Hey he is trying to teach you something and that is his way of saying *i really like u*

if you identify yourself as a "sperg", you gonna have a bad time
t,. drunk person