Losing a lot of different people in a lot of different ways. can I get a feels thread?
Stories incoming.
It started in 2016.
>may >get in a car crash >walk away with just a few scrapes >seem otherwise fine >a few weeks pass >suddenly feel 'dizzy' one day >for a few days just walking around feeling drunk, assuming its some illness that will pass >it doesn't >get passed from doctor to doctor >can't even go to work my boss is just paying me to exist at this point and even taking me to my doctor appointments >he takes good care of me and promises that even if i get put in some sort of home he'd come take me out for ice cream every week >finally a neurologist does a brain scan on me >looks like the car crash lead to some brain damage >it may heal on its own but they don't know how long it will take >text my best friend at the time about it >all he says is 'bummer' >only ever saw him once after that, when he came to take an extra couch i had >he never reached out to me ever again >eventually come out of the brain damage. start to realize he was never really my friend >hurts to let him go but just don't bother reaching back out to him either >he didn't even know my brain damage healed until months after the fact
I liked him a lot, but as soon as shit hit the ceiling fan, he just stopped talking to me. when he did find out about me getting better months later it was from me reaching out to check in on him.
>>suddenly feel 'dizzy' one day >>for a few days just walking around feeling drunk, assuming its some illness that will pass Describes my current condition to a T. Been like this since a snowboarding accident 6 years ago. Glad you got better, bro.
Benjamin Cook
>fast forward to summer of 2017 >after the brain damage I had lost a lot of memories >my neurologist recommended that I try to journal my life before the accident, starting with my earliest memories and working my way up to the present >along the way I end up detailing a lot of my childhood >things that I had compartmentalized were now being listed >being molested >spied on in the shower >held down and tortured with my pressure points >just years of my parents ignoring it or joining in and then buying me gifts to compensate >years of lies from my mother, and broken promises about how she'll make things better >by the summer of 2017 it just becomes too much. >I couldn't even bring myself to visit them the year before, It just felt like too much >mother is pretending to commit suicide every 2 to 3 months at this point, and I just can't handle it anymore >decide its time to let go of my family >feels like the most unnatural thing to do, but the thought of having to visit them again is just too much. >the last time I went one of them threatened to beat me and I had to pull a gun on them >the idea of holding my own flesh and blood at gun point to avoid another trip to the hospital was just too much for me >i only tell my mother and my little brother, im changing my number and please dont try to find me
you might want to get looked at then. but you might also just mean the lesser dizzy of a screen fog. this was non stop for well over a month feeling like I was drunk, incapable of things like driving and barely able to get to my office without passing out (taking the bus). it involved horrible memory loss and i could barely eat more than just greenbeans.
Jason Harris
>it was a rough summer but it was about to get more rough >My dog of five years seemed perfectly fine >then one day i get a call from my roommate (i was out of town on business) telling me her eye had fallen out >i rush home and get her to the vet and the doctor says she has an auto immune disease >her whole body is basically drying out >eye was removed >try to take care of her >cone, eye drops, special shampoos >after a month of this i take off her cone >suddenly she starts biting herself til she bleeds >I try to get her to stop but she literally can't hear me >everything stopped existing and all shes doing is tearing at her own flesh and skin >race her to the vet and they say its best to put her down
>that summer was rough but I got through it with the help of a new friend >it was one of those weird friendships that go from 0 to 100 overnight >found out he was leaving mid july >I met him via him acting in a short film I made >really didn't want him to go >one night we film another short and his acting just blows me away >for the next two days I outline an entire feature film >I hand him the 12 page outline and tell him that instead of going home for the summer he should stay here and film the movie with me >he was supposed to visit family for the summer before going to graduate school on the east coast >instead hes going to stay here to film the whole thing, then just go straight to graduate school at the end of summer >spend the whole summer filming the movie (pic related) and just going on really awesome adventures >eventually summer ends and he has to go >its rough but considering the last year in terms of how I lost people this wasn't a bad way for him to go >and he could always come back one day
>as soon as my friend moves away, shit hits the ceiling fan at work >my boss had been having some minor medical issues and while filming my movie I wasn't paying as close attention to him as I could have >suddenly its really bad >hes addicted to some major painkiller >he has major kidney failure >by the end of september im spending all day every day at his house and sometimes all night >im only being paid for 5 hours of work a day, but he took care of me so I want to take care of him >unfortunately he has some irreversible bone damage in his legs and he can't even climb the stairs to our office (no elevator) >I push for closing the office and we can run the business from his home until he is healthy enough to work in an elevator'd building >its the first time I ever saw the man cry >into october things get worse and we don't even seem to know why >finally one morning we get there and hes lost his mind and there is blood everywhere >we rush him to the ER and he has some massive bladder infection and a ton of other underlying issues >hes stuck at the hospital for months >in november we find out he has stage 4 cancer with massive tumors in and outside of his bladder >in december he has stopped eating so he loses his mind, his ability to talk, and then falls into a coma >finally they put him on a feeding tube and he begins to come out of it >hes still stuck in the hospital until early january when they finally say he can go home under hospice care and wait to die >end up working around the clock even with an in home care taker to keep this man alive, constantly cleaning his catheter and wiping his ass and just doing everything to keep him out of the hospital so he can die at home >went from running an entire business to cleaning another mans fluids >in march he suddenly gets better >he had gained 20 pounds >he didn't need a full time caretaker >I could take nights and weekends off >then in april he loses weight again >its downhill from there
>he can feel his death coming >some days id walk in and he'd deny it and yell at me for implying anything >he'd test me by making outrageous plans for 8 months in the future then throw a fit if i don't try to go through with them >his kids aren't any help, and if i try to keep them in the loop on things they just make my life more difficult >im taking care of their dying father for what averages to about 2 dollars an hour and they treat me like a slave >but he knows his death is coming despite his fight >his mind is getting loopier and loopier >some days i walk in and hes crying and he pulls out a gold watcha nad some jewelry and hands them to me and says 'I NEED YOU TO TAKE THIS I NEED YOU TO BE TAKEN CARE OF'. >one day just hands me 2000 dollars (end up using this to just pay his caretakers) and telling me i need it for when he passes. >one day he calls me after a client has left and tells me ' i just saw my last client' >we had one scheduled for every day the next week, so i didnt take him too seriously >he was definitely on the decline but it would be another few weeks of this 'half lucidity' before it got too bad >but then monday his client cancels >and turesday i get a call from his care taker >hes bleeding from everywehre >i rush over and get him to the ER >they say there is nothing we can do but give him a blood transfusion with hopes that it will make him live long enough for his kids to get there >he refuses the blood transfusion, says hes ready to die and just wants a pain killer for it >cry as they inject him with it, hes still covered in blood it just keeps coming out of every orifice >we get him home >the bleeding stops >the doctors warn if he eats anything it'll just start up again >for the next week have to watch him slowly wither away
I got looked at by a couple specialists. A neurologist finally just told me to take propranolol and meclizine and try to endure, because aside from an unexplainable cyst there was nothing abnormal about my scan.
James Butler
>on his last lucid day he wants to speak to me alone >he had very specific rules about his ashes, he wants them spread, and in the mean time kept in a non sealed container >he tells me that I can keep some of them for as long as I need him >even though hes claustrophobic he tells me that I'm allowed to keep his ashes in a locket so a part of him will always be with me >says hes even working out a way to keep talking to me from beyond the grave eve nthough for the last 4 years he told everyone he wont be able to be reached (hes a very well known psychic in the US) >the next day he can no longer speak. >most of the time he doesn't seem to react to anything but if I give him a hug he feigns kissing me on the cheek >one day he just stops breathing >now hes gone >I'm wearing his ashes around my neck right now
thats horrible man. what do they think it is with those things in mind? how long has it been now? whats your day to day like?
Gavin Hall
>since then I've just been resting >one friend in particular has been reaching out a lot >after my brain damage I only had one friend that stuck with me through it >hes a great guy and I love him to death, but he always just kind of made me a low priority in his life >which is understandable but it made accommodating him exhausting >can plan entire trips and he'd throw them out at the last minute cuz his gf invites him to a bbq or what have ya >hes that guy >the guy who tells you what movie he wants to see, then when you offer to see it iwth him he says 'sure we'll figure it out' refusing to pick a day >then months go by of 'maybe this weekend' and the movie goes out of theaters and you missed it >he tried calling me after my boss died >all he did was talk about deadpool 2 ( which he knows I hate) >I just can't deal with this considering the death of my boss >i just tell him i need time >its been about a month since my boss' funeral and im feeling better >but i just don't want to see this friend >the thought of him just makes me feel exhausted. >He is not a bad person and I love him to death, but the thought of trying to accommodate him just makes me feel like I can't breathe, like I'm exhausted >My boss had hoped that after he passed I would moved on from this friend as well >he had seen how I'd moved mountains to try and accommodate this friend but always had the rug pulled out from under me >its been almost two months since I've seen this friend now and he wants to talk
>I finally call him and explain how I feel. >how I have to move so much of my life to accommodate him, then i have to move it all again when he cancels at the last moment and then expects me to just fall in line and move everything again >how it got to the point where I essentially had to pay for everything if i wanted to do anything >i just don't want to feel this kind of exhausted al lthe time anymore >After taking care of a dying man for 9 months i just don't want to work so hard just to see a friend of mine >it got to the point that I am absolutely shocked and distrustful of other people when they do make plans and tis easy >with this friend if i said 'want to hang out this saturday?' his repsonse is always 'let me see' >and then he spends a few days making sure that literally no one else will want him for something better before committing to plans with me >then he'd often flake on them because his gf had something come up >with other friends i can just say 'hey want to hang on saturday?' and im always shocked when they just say 'yes'. it feels wrong, like im supposed to wait for them to 'find out' first.
>I tell my friend all this this morning >that I love him to death but i just feel so tired all the time since my boss passed away and I'm tired of trying to make things work at my expense >he just says that he understands and hangs up >its his birthday in two days and i feel like shit about it. >that was an hour ago
I just feel like so much shit. like I'm being petty here. Like I can't complain about all the loss I've had if im this willing to let go of a friend. but im so tired. its so hard just accommodating him and then watching him cancel for his GF at the last minute. we can make plans months in advance and he'll still do it. and its always his restaurants, his movies, his projects. he just gets passive aggressive anytime we even watch a half hour of a show I want to show him. am i blowing this all out of proportion cuz of the intensity of the last few months, or is it really just better for me to focus on the friends who make me feel good, that actually try the things I want to try in addition to the things they want? am I just being dramatic here?
I don't know. im just so tired. i just want my boss back. he was like a dad to me.
This is basically my story. There's a little bti more about how the friend from last summer ame to visit last month and I had meltdowns cuz my friend died during that visit but he stuck with me through it.
After reading everything, I'll just give you one suggestion. Take it easy with people. You don't need to go out of your way to make other people comfortable. The more importance you give to people, more will be the disappointment that you will have to bear. I wish you a good life and I'll pray for you.
Anthony Ward
I haven't been told, nor have I been able to read much of my medical records. Only things I saw were the early things they were throwing around. Migraine-like symptoms, vertigo, and delayed sensory processing. I've been tested for a lot of things, including epilepsy. So far they haven't been able to give me a real answer.
Adrian White
I understand. I don't hang my life on the idea that I need any specific person in order to be happy. I was a military child and went to 5 highschools so I learned fast that you can make new friends anywhere you go in life, and that as long as you create a nice baseline for what you enjoy and makes you happy, you will find good people to surround yourself with. since moving to LA away from the military lifestyle I definitely got a bit of an addiction to longer lasting relationships (previously It was difficult to really know someone for more than 9 months because either I or they would move) but I'm still of the same mindset.
I do appreciate my friends nad love them dearly, but the intent of this thread is nowhere near the idea that my life is ruined by having to let go of them. on the contrary, with the latest friend life will be easier without him, as much as I do love him, its just time to figure out the next chapter in my life. with my boss dead and the business closed as a result, and losing just about everything else in the last two years, its my first fresh start since moving out here. I'm sad about my loss, but I'm excited about whatever comes next, and I'm already finding happiness in just being able to take time off to not be exhausted by everything and focus on my own movies and scripts nad such.
interesting. i had similar issues til my brain scan.
You're in a good position if you're looking forward to what may happen and not backwards about what happened. You're an optimistic and enthusiastic person and that's a really good thing. Stop worrying and just live life by the day. I'll suggest you to decide on something that you want to achieve in your life and let that something be really hard to achieve. Focus all your thoughts and energy on it and let everything else be secondary. Doing this will stop you from doubting yourself.
Thomas Jenkins
I wouldnt say I'm optimistic, I'm just realistic. I don't just look forward, I also look back. anyone who does just one seems silly to me, though to each their own. obviously only looking back has its flaws, but your past is important and helps dictate your future, not just in bad ways but in good ways as well. even with my most recent friend i love him to death adn while its hard to let him go its not with malice, and i dont want to forget that.
as for the rest of life its already worked out for the most part. I came out here to become a television writer and someones already putting me up for a job in a writers room this fall. In the mean time I'm still working on finishing the feature film ( ) and these aren't new goals, just the big life goals I've had for years.
for now I'm just letting myself breathe. after taking care of someone for 9 months the thought of scheduling anything gives me that hard to breathe feeling. I still do it for film shoots nad such but im taking it easy. just writing the scripts I want at my leisure, exercising, and doing relaxing things.
and i met this elephant. i was crying at the time cuz my boss really wanted to go to this, but it was still nice.
i dont want to just leave the past behind in favor of the future. I want to carry all of it with me. I don't want to forget good people and happy times just to avoid the sad ones. its hard cuz after hte brain damage my emotional memory is limited. but for now im just catching up on sleep and oxygen and letting myself just exist without burden.
>but for now im just catching up on sleep and oxygen and letting myself just exist without burden.
This is the best thing you can do for yourself user.
I'm so sorry for your loss. You're a really considerate person who was there for a dying man who may have never had someone close to him during that time if it wasn't for you. It seems the people around him didn't care as much, if at all. Use that same consideration for yourself. You don't have to accommodate for people. If things don't work out, sometimes it's best to just move on and not put to much thought on it. Same can be said about your friend you can't make plans with. Obviously you guys are still bros, it's just not going to be the relationship where you hang out often together. He did it to himself and you really shouldn't feel bad about what happened. You're in a mentally draining spot right now and need to make your own health a priority. Self care isn't selfish.
Jace Kelly
Also, congratulations on moving forward in your career. You really should rest so you can dedicate yourself wholly to your film making.
Elijah Roberts
>It seems the people around him didn't care as much, if at all
he had a lot of people who cared, but we needed someone who could just dedicate their full time to him. honestly withotu everyone else I wouldnt have been able to do ti. we received like 20 thousand dollars in donations from friends and clients. and its thanks to them that I also have the money to take care of myself for aw hile before getting a new job and even thanks to them that I'll get the kind of job I want next. they just can't dedicate their full time you know? but i was in the right place for it and im glad i was cuz without it he would have died back in january easily.
as for my more recent friend, i dont see us being bros. I'm weird I guess but im kind of all or nothing. especially now that I technically have all the time in the world, letting him into my life would just be setting us up for failure later, when I get a job and i cant just accomodate him whenever.
I think you're right. I still feel sad about letting him go, but after the year I had i need to breathe. the last year has been the opposite of self care. its okay to do this one thing, even if it might be selfish. its just what i need right now. its just so good to rest finally and write again. I have never been able to write this easily before. I always thought having stress in my life helped force me to write in the few moments i could but it was such a struggle. now i write almost daily and i dont even need someone to bounce ideas off of it just comes to me.
its just nice being able to wake up at a reasonable hour but still sleep in, go to the gym, write, eat, and not worry about life. its like having a summer break again.
