I can't stop fucking everything I do up. I hate myself so fucking much

I can't stop fucking everything I do up. I hate myself so fucking much.

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What's the last thing you did right OP? Can be as big or small as you wish. I don't care how long ago it was, just tell me the latest thing you did right or didn't fuck up was.

I have a huge trip planned and I fucked it up by losing my id and can't go now. It was less than a few days from happening too, I am going to let some close people down again.

OP, shhhhhh, we'll get to that... but right now what you should do is tell us the last thing you did RIGHT? Okay?

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I misread your post. Sorry. I cant remember the last thing I did right by myself. I don't even trust myself to drive anymore

That's okay user, think a little harder?
Did you make a sandwich and get the cuts just right? Did you make someone laugh recently? Did you correctly guess something on jeopardy?

You have done things right. I mean you're a living breathing human being. You'd be literally dead by mistake otherwise.

I left my room earlier today for some water, besides that I rarely leave the place. So I guess that

You didn't spill the water did you?
You managed to return to your computer?
You said you 'don't trust yourself to drive anymore which means you CAN drive, or at least did in the past yes?
You controlled a fucking deathtrap on 4 wheels. You can do SOMETHING right, even if you're not confident in it anymore.

>this time will be different
>it isn't

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It doesn't matter if I could before, every single time gave me anxiety attacks and I barely scraped by. I am a waste

Why are you a waste? What or who do you consider 'not a waste'?

people who can't even muster the will to try anymore are wastes. I am too tempered by my own failures to even leave the house. I am a waste

ayy it happens i live in a country with socialized healthcare but my id expired so im gonna be stuck with a huge medical bill :DDDDDD coul dbe worse my nigga

I don't see how this is supposed to help. It's like saying "you can breathe right? you're not a mistake. you can type words, right? you're not a failure. can you microwave leftovers? see you can do things correctly." I don't see how anyone would feel better after that. This just seems like semantics.

Why is the will to try connected to wastefulness? And why does it matter, I mean surely the Kardashians, rich Arab Princlings - people who despite having many more times the resources of you and focus on nothing else other than their own validation are way bigger wastes than you or anyone since not only are they consuming more resources, but they have got more chance to work with?
I don't even think you could compete with their wastefulness... Comparatively you're not a waste.

but again, let me ask you, when have you done things right, or nearly right?

pretty much I can breathe, I am typing responses, I can cook ramen, I can take showers, none of those makes me not a complete failure. I want to be able to leave the house, work out, get better at things and learn without hating myself for being such a loser every step of the way. But I just ruin it all every time, I can't have success in any facet

That's because it's not about the semantics, when people are depressed or feel this way they rigidly say "everything is terrible" or something along those lines, when rationally it's not. The process is about undermining that cycle of seeing everything as being worthless, terrible, or impossible by showing that things aren't black and white.

After that, with their pessimism undermined, it may cause them to look at positive things because they've been 'primed' to think about positive things just like the The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.

What would happen if you left the house sometime in the next 30 minutes?

And I mean just for a walk around the block, you don't need to go to a store, you don't need to even pick up the mail. Just fucking walk out, walk around, come back in.

What would happen? How would you feel and what is likely to transpire?

I wouldn't be able to go anywhere but the yard, I live in a shitty rural country town with fields for miles and no sidewalks, I have to walk in the road and have cars go around me, I hate it here

>I live in a shitty rural country town with fields for miles and no sidewalks, I have to walk in the road and have cars go around me, I hate it here
Sounds like it's not really you're fault you can't get things done, sounds pretty difficult to go or do anything especially since you're anxious about driving.

What do you think is the most important trouble facing you right now? What is one specific thing you could do that would make shit easier (maybe not driving because of the anxiety attacks, but something else)?

It'd help a hell of a lot if I could at least stick to things, I have been trying to learn guitar for about a year now, I really want to be good at it but all I know is a few chords and nothing more because every time I pick it up I feel like an idiot and put it back down then use that as fuel to get even more mad at myself, I can't even have a good sleep schedule because I sleep through every alarm I set

Fuck man i have to go and do shit, and I want to help you out and realize this probably won't but this is annoying because strangely enough I know EXACTLY what you're going through: getting pissed off because when you pick up a guitar it just sounds 'wrong' and your fingers just can't form the shapes fast enough, sleeping through alarms and wondering why the fuck you even need so much sleep. Feeling like you're overwhelmed by all the fucking things that you fail at so there's no where to start. Man, this hits close to home for me.

But also you have to remember that your self-valuation goes through waves, and because you lost your ID you're feeling particularly fucking shitty about yourself right now, because it's one of those "this always happens" moments. You're probably wondering why you self-sabotage so much. But that's just how you feel and see it today, in this moment, you will get some perspective on it later, when the emotions cool off a bit and you might even realize that it's not your fault, or maybe with a clear mind you're ID will turn up or whatever. I don't know, I'm not a clairvoyant.

But what I do know is you're not intrinsically a failure, even if it feels like you can't catch a break right now. You're seeing a pattern of behavior and assuming that's definitively who you are. You feel like you either had agency to affect events differently, but didn't; or that you have no agency what so ever - well both are wrong - your failures are events in time, they are not you. If anything they are things that happen TO you, not happen BECAUSE of you.

I don't know what I'm saying, but I guess I'm trying to say is that I go through the same shit and then things turn around and I assume that things will get better because this hits so close to home for me, and things turned out better for me.

>Also, don't trust your self-hate brain, you're self hate brain is a dick that doesn't know shit!

>don't trust your self-hate brain. Your self hate brain is a dick
I can't believe I got the first "your" right and then in the next clause got it wrong, hahaha

I appreciate the sentiment and well worded post, it doesn't help me feel any better too much but thanks

OP you just have something wrong with your brain. what's it called? oh yeah, mental illness. the only escape is off yourself. you'll never be able to balance those chemicals to feel happy again. you're a defect, and there's nothing unnatural about that. the only ones who "save" themselves were never really mentally ill in the first place (i.e normies)