>be me
>be 14 years old
>dad looses his job and becomes a drunk
>even takes meth for a bit but stops cause he's too poor to afford it
>gets violent towards my mother
>try to protect her
>he lashes out on me and beats me up
>wake up in a hospital
>mom sits next to me and cries
>asks me to lie so my dad won't have to go to prison
>do it cause I love her
>the abuse doesn't stop but it's more mental than physical
>thinking about ending it
>joining the military instead thinking maybe I'll get shot and my mom won't have to deal with the pain of having lost her only son to suicide
>develop severe ptsd
>get out
>go to college
>girls are crazy about self-loathing guys who went to war
>just feel numb and empty
>start cutting myself cause it calms me down when I get panic attacks
>develop this weird fetish to corrupt the pure if that's even a thing
>seek out sweet girls and drag them down into the abyss with me
>meet a girl through mutuals
>she's so pure and whole I don't even know how to describe it
>of course other guys chase after her too
>she starts going out with one of my roommates
>one night I get really bad panic attacks again
>cut too deep
>won't stop bleeding
>go to the living room
>she's sitting on the couch with my roommate watching tv
>she turns around when she hears me
>she smiles and it feels like someone is piercing knives through my heart
>suddenly sees the blood on my arms
>smile freezes
>"can you drive me to ER"
>my roommate jumps up and runs outside to get his keys
>she just sits there and stares at me
>slowly gets up and walks towards me
>the room is dark so I didn't see the tears in her eyes until she stands directly in front of me
>why the fuck is she crying
>she takes my hand, my blood is on her fingers now
>I don't like her touching me like that cause it reminds me of how empty and lonely I am
>"doesn't it repulse you?"
>"what?"
>"the blood I mean"
>roommate comes back
>we get in the car and drive to ER
Love
fuck off normalfaggot. originallely
>asks me to lie so my dad won't have to go to prison
>do it cause I love her
If you loved her why would you let her continue to live with an unemployed, abusive piece of shit?
>meet a girl
wrong board
Pt2
>she's sitting next to me, doesn't let go of my had
>in the hospital they stitch me up
>drive back
>no one talks
>I notice she still has my blood on her hands
>I'm exhausted so I fall asleep on the couch at home
>during the next few weeks she stops going out with my roommate
>I still see her often cause we have the same friendgroup in part
>I feel worse and worse
>get depressed start taking drugs
>isolate myself from everybody
>one day she shows up at our door
>tell her my roommate isn't home
>"I'm not here for your roommate, user"
>"well what do you want"
>"I'm worried about you"
>don't get it
>"why"
>my heart breaks cause she looks like she's in pain from just being near me
>"have you even looked in a mirror lately"
>I know I look fucked when I'm sleepdeprived but don't be rude, woman
>shrug
>she walks past me into the livingroom
>"can we talk?"
>talk for literally 4 hours straight until roommate gets home
>I feel better but also worse cause this made me realize even more how damaged I am and how perfect she is
>start going out more again
>never try anything, don't touch her, don't kiss her
>one day I'm walking her to her apartment
>wanna leave
>she grabs my hand and kisses me
>kiss her back
>she asks me to come upstaris with her
>do it
>we have sex
>it feels like I've never had sex before this is different from everything I've ever done with a woman
>I start to shake
>she intertwines her fingers with mine and kisses me gently
>I pull away
>"did I do something wrong, user?"
>don't know how to explain to her that she deserves better, someone whole
>she's too good for me and I'm afraid I'd corrupt her like all the others
>start to cry
>she touches me and I flinch
>"tell me what to do, user"
>try to pull myself together
>"I should leave now"
>she watches me get dressed
>"please don't leave, user"
>I'm conflicted but I don't want to be selfish and stay
Pt3
>she makes me wanna be a better person but that's what drives me away from her isn't that ironic
>she reluctantly grabs my hand and pulls gently
>sit down on the bed again
>she doesn't let go of my hand
>she never lets go
>"please don't shut me out, user"
>I don't understand why she cares so much
>I feel worthless and insufficient around her but at the same time she makes me feel like I am someone, I can't really explain it
>I look at her
>she looks so vulnerable when she's naked
>I want to touch her but I don't
>she guides my hand to her waist and puts her forehead to mine
>this is the most intimate I've ever been with a person in my entire life
>I'm thinking that maybe her light shines to bright that I can't ruin it with my darkness
>realize how gay that sounds
>she pulls me into a hug
>we fall on the bed again and she holds me
>I feel so weak
>I don't deserve her affection
>eventually she falls asleep and I leave
Idk what to do robots
>never had anyone care at all, let alone that much
>all the people that claimed to love me i had to aggressively chase at all times and when i stopped they'd just walk away
>whenever i needed anyone they'd just bail out and leave me to hang because their temporary comfort is worth more than my life
>absolute dipshit like you lands an anime tier out of nowhere i care for you and i will show it story and keeps trying to back out
You know what bruh
Literally this
It's the best thing to happen to you, don't let her go you faggot
The first part happened to Stalin but he stabbed his dad
I don't think you guys realize how terrified I am of becoming like my dad and hurting her. I'd much rather never talk to her again if that meant she'd be safe
Sorry mate, not a robot.
I was in a relationship with someone who was a long ways down. To be in your metaphor, I was the light in this case.
The important thing to bear in heart is a few factors:
You have to carry your own burden. She can be your support, but you have to be able to carry your own weight.
If you shine too much light on this Woe unto me shit, it's gonna be the defining factor of the relationship. When it fades or gets worse, the relationship will go with it.
Back to Woe unto me shit.
It's time to get serious.
Never point a fucking finger anywhere, I don't care if you were raped. Because in the end, whatever you are left with is your own emotions.
By placing blame and pointing fingers, This is cus of that, I feel this because I never got that.
You are placing yourself in an emotional standstill. You are not encurring for growth and personal responsibility. There is also ending up with secondhand emotions. Such as alienation, frustration, self commdemnation.
Even though someone was raped and their sense of self and power was taken away. They are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath from the occurance.
It is harsh. But it is true.
You have to allow yourself to feel all this bullshit. Don't run with cuts. Sit your ass fucking down on the cold floor. Bring up your phone or a notepad. And write. Write whatever the fuck you are feeling, whenever it gets heavy or a panic attack ensues.
Feel-
Good luck user.
I hope you eat this raw.
And I hope you allow her to make your days happy.
Thanks for writing all that out, dude.
I understand that, and yeah I do realize she's "the best thing that's ever gonna happen to me" but I literally cannot comprehend why she wants me at all. A few weeks ago we were out with some people and she accidentally killed a bug. When she realized it was dead cause it hit the table too hard when she shook it off her hand idk she started to cry- but then proceeds to let some messed up psycho like me fuck her who killed actual people in an actual war
Like what the hell
She sounds like a wierd one. A good one, but a wierd one.
I'm not gonna say The One. Onitis syndrome is a bad path to take. Also the same as the blame game.
Allow her in, allow yourself to be loved.
This is a procsess you must go through to evolve and grow.
Allowing yourself good things is one of them.
Communicating on an intimate level is another.
Learning to know another human being on a closer level is another.
Love invites growth. Accept, for no matter how long it lasts
A Bump since our posts are spaced out.
stop making up shit online
Yeah I know
To be fair a friend of hers died last month and I guess it just reminded her of the "vulnerability of life" idk she said something along those lines
Otherwise she's pretty stable, really
Then, your mind seems set.
Good luck mate.
In all of this, emotions will build up within you.
Find healthy ways for release and reflection.
Long walks alone. Somewhere in nature you can breathe freely f.example.
Enjoy
Thanks dude, you're a good one
But you're not him. You hate him and have the power not to be like him. You deserve love user. Life's been shit to you since childhood but at this moment it stopped. Take time to enjoy it. I know how it feels when someone starts caring about you but you're not used to it, it's like that one video of the abused German Shepherd being petted and still screaming in pain because he never really had affection like that before. It does hurt at first when someone cares about you, but it stops after a while and you realize that this is how life should be, and it only gets better from then on. Let it happen user, don't let her go. I had something similar happen to me, now I have decent self esteem and didn't kill myself like I planned to, and life is actually very enjoyable. I believe in you user, keep her and see how much life changes for you.
fake and gay kys oreguinallo
I'll contribute a short, condensed version of one if for no other reason than to run it through my own head.
>be late twenties
>not had anything more meaningful than an rare one night stand in 10 years.
>housemates gf has a friend staying with her from over seas
>don't even remember mentioning that I thought she was cute to my housemate
>2 days later he asks me to show her around the city on my day off while him and his gf are at work
>agree, take her to see a few things and a drink
>don't try anything, just literally being a decent person doing a favour for a friend.
>we get on really fucking well, talk for hours swapping stories about dumb shit
>somehow we go home together
>she spends the next 4 days over at my apartment
>we fuck, a lot. it's different from anything I've had before. Something just so much more relaxed and fun.
>we spent a whole day hungover on the couch watching tv and just hanging out together
>we did some cheesy tourist stuff
>we went out and visited some more bars with my housemate and his gf,
>start getting really comfortable with each other as we get to know each other more
>it was a pretty comfy few days
>she goes back to my housemates gf's house
>the next day she asks me if she can come over again before she leaves
>spend another comfy day together
>we fuck again, when she finishes, she cries just a bit and holds me so tight, whispers thankyou into my ear and we fall asleep.
>take her to the airport the next day
>she's going to see some other cities for 2 weeks
>there's a pile of her clothes in my room staring back at me
>she will be back for 3 days then she flies to the other side of the planet.
I didn't want this.
I can't do this to myself.
Why have I done this to myself?
>be me
>used to be pure
>be 14, start flipping burgers
>worked every vacation
>meet people trying to undercut my pay, do illegal shit, delay salary,
>learned that being pure only means i get taken advantaged of
>be 17
>fall in love
>date, kiss, no sex because partner was cAtHoLiC
>user if you love me help me do my assignments that i didnt do cos i was being a bum
>user if you love me pls lend me money to buy my weeaboo shit
>i also served as an emotional tampon
>3 years pass, i finally end it
>be 22
>exchange program to other continent
>meet r9k online friend
>we lose each others' virginities
>i go home
>r9k-chan didnt have the courage to buy and take a plane alone
>never see r9k-chan again
>fast forward 1 year
>slept around and did one night stands thinking i can forget r9k-chan
>regret the hookups and still hate myself for them until today
>no longer pure
> :(