Please don't ban me for this thread, or just treat it like a writing exercise disguised as a plea for help

You clearly have an empathetic spirit, which does not work out very well in this hyper-competitive society. Couple that with a false childhood which casts us into the adult arena without tools or weapons and it is a disaster waiting to happen.
I know, because I had similar experiences and fell into a crisis of faith. All you can really do is work out your thoughts, write, and find activities which help you find meaning/purpose.
Unfortunately, there is not a lot of hope in attracting a woman when you are, essentially, separated from yourself. She will instinctively see that something is off, and you, in a case where fate brought you together, would potentially just delay your inability to connect with her through your own lack of peace. Ask me how I know...
But if you do take the time to figure things out and resolve your internal conflicts (cliche, I know) then you will be in a better place to keep a woman rather than struggling to get one. I think this may be a big part of the problem for men now, they are focused on getting a woman, but if you are content knowing that you can keep a woman then the struggle almost resolves itself.

Why is it clear that I am empathetic? I agree to an extent, however when I was 23 / 24 I wrote some really mean stuff on /lit/ about some small-time authors whose success I was jealous of, and that isn't empathetic. Again, another test I failed out of anger and childishness.

As for writing, I really had my heart set on "becoming a writer" for several years, and used to spend my evenings alone writing, and my days editing my stuff at work and thinking I had what it took. But now I just feel so burned out that I don't even care for the rewards of writing, such as attention, praise, or whatever else. I admit that I did have a short story published last year, but it is probably the most cringeworthy thing you're likely to read, and most days I think about it and think "what the fuck was I thinking to writ, edit and submit that?" It's the most incel, pretentious, detached-from-the-real-world garbage I've ever read, and it was obviously just a result of me sperging out and laying out my thoughts as a means of attempting unburden myself. It's really a shameful incident and has made me repulsed by the idea of trying to write anything something more sane and considered, because whatever happens I'll always be "that guy who doxxed himself as a stunted manchild incel".

As for women, this is why today was such a weird experience. I was right next to this girl on the subway carriage, but I had none of that subtle excitement or heart-trembling that I used to have. I just felt so exausted and closed-down that I doubt a romantic experience at this point would even "reach" me in a sincere, genuine way. It's like subconsciously I've lost that aspect of myself that is capable of receiving love because it was too much of a burden to cling onto all this time without actually being loved. My female colleagues see me as the "nice", inoffensive, autistic weird guy.

Thanks for your post.

Not him, but I'd say that you're empathetic in the sense of being "conscientious" and "self-conscious", both of which involve projecting your interpretation of other people's feelings onto them. Which is a kind of empathy, but a clumsy and generally ineffective one, especially if you're not actually that good at understanding other people. Anyway, that kind of conscientiousness tends to result in self-blame if you feel that you've failed in life, and I assume that you kind of have. You're probably overqualified or too intelligent for your present job, which doesn't pay enough. I guess you don't have friends either, and making friends at 27 is hard and will only get harder.

You're basically one of the "forgotten men" in modern society, I'd say. If the economy were still strong you'd have some kind of tolerably intellectual job that pays well and stimulates you without demanding outright genius, which would probably give you the self confidence to interact positively with your peers, build friend groups, and ultimately find a partner.

I picture this exact situtation: news.com.au/world/middle-east/australian-teenager-with-ginger-hair-joins-isis/news-story/9c1115e907b2585fed7903368491c67d
user, it sounds like you've rejected the notion that you can live a meaningful life just by "being the best subjective version of yourself." Find confidence in this fact, because it means you're not an NPC.
I can't tell you what you should do to overcome this self-deprecation, because I'm nearly certain that what has worked for me wouldn't work for you. At the very least, better yourself by reading (especially philosophy, -especially- Plato and Aristotle), because every thinking individual needs some foundation for philosophical thinking.
As for friends, romance? Go out of your way to find genuinely well-intentioned people. Even "established" friend groups are willing to let individuals join them so long as everyone in that group is a well-intentioned person. To make connections, a deliberate effort is required. As for places to meet good people, I recommend hobby gatherings of any kind or church (unironically, even if you're not christian).

That's the thing. I made some friends in highschool, but didn't maintain them (one of them I should, as an empathetic person, have maintained). And then I went to college and for whatever reason I made a couple of loose friendships but while these people all became close friends with others, with me it always felt kind of vague and ambiguous. I don't know if it's because I was lazy, or just too comfortable with my own company, or just too socially autistic to comprehend the meaning and value of friendship etc. And after that I ended up in a city where I knew nobody and this just contributed to the shame which led to my not showing this girl (back in ancient 2015) that I liked her, preferring perhaps to remain as a "potentially awesome" person to her, or preferring her illusion of me knowing I almost certainly wouldn't live up to it when I told her I was friendless, had never been in a mature relationship, was earning little money, had no economically-desirable skills, etc.

My job pays ok now, but realistically speaking I could be earning far less in any other town or city and be saving more (due to rent, travel costs etc in my city).

What I fear most is that I am one of these people who just stays stuck in childhood while others transcend their immaturity and are able to deal with hardship, lost chances, etc. Every friendship I've had since my teens has involved me being the quiet, "weird" younger brother figure while my one male friend after another has usually been the older brother figure in our friendship, perhaps sensing my essentially weakness and naivety but finding me entertaining or something.

...

Hey this is off topic, but is there a way to see previous threads an user has posted before? Is there a way to see previous posts from their IP address?

I have read much of the Greeks, and much more besides. Reading remains my one true means of distinction, e.g. "X likes books". It just doesn't do me any good any more, and I just view reading at this point to be an "alienating process". I really fear that my historic inability, or unwillingness, to form close bonds with others is a sign of something deeply sinister about my character, e.g. that I don't accept the complexity and inner struggle of others, etc. I tell myself this isn't the case, and that I'm just very adept at entertaining myself and spending my free time pursuing my obsessions (which is true) but again it's troubling to reach this age and have nobody in life except two family members who think I'm a great guy but who really don't know me well at all and are very different from me personality-wise.

In that case it's quite clear that you lack social experience, and that lack of experience results in you being unassertive and hesitant, which is highly unattractive to both friends and potential love interests. It's the whole "you're just overthinking things" mess. You're just going to have to make up for that decades-long deficit somehow, and get lucky and find people willing to overlook that and welcome you with open arms.

Doubt it but warosu has somewhat extensive search abilities using keywords, etc. that will bring up threads from years past.

OP here. Why, are you trying to find my old posts?

And no, I don't believe there's any way of tracking IP addresses, or I hope not at least. In any case, I've moved addresses a bunch of times over the past couple of years.

Did you read a lot when you were a kid? To the point where your peers would be socialising and stuff, but you'd be reading?

To clarify, I’m not OP and I’m just adding to your post.
Another user a day ago made a good point that I related with. I only became capable of socializing once I found true meaning and purpose. It gave me the ability to genuinely show interest in other people.
For me, my meaning came from Gnosticism, Christianity, and developing various lifelong goals (pursuing the arts, plans for philanthropy, achieving “enlightenment”, etc)

The fact that you worry about NOT actually caring about others proves that you actually care about others much more than the average individual.
I understand your struggle with your age, and to that I can only point out that like most things, the longer you wait the worse it gets. You said three years ago you couldn't imagine things not changing, but what if when you're 30 day to day life is as it is now?
The best thing you can do is make a deliberate effort to make a real connection with others. Since you're well read, maybe a book club?
And don't bother worrying about a gf until you at least have friends.

>Islam

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That's the thing, in social situations where it is just me and one other person, I am typically very honest and somewhat humorous, whenever there is any kind of intimacy involved, even if it's just a guy at work who I'm walking down the stairwell with. But when it comes situations which involve more than one person, wihich typically in my experience involve having to invest in more general topics for the sake of appeasing everyone involved, or being less forthright about one's thoughts and feelings so as to maintain the general atmosphere of humour etc, I struggle hard and usually just don't get involved. I really like talking to one person by themselves, but obviously people would rather do this with people who are close to them, which I am not to anybody. In a way I feel like I needed someone many years ago to just talk to, like a dad or an older brother or someone who was willing to just talk to me on a one-to-one basis and shake me out of my passivity and detachment or whatever. That's not blaming others for not doing so, but left to my own devices I just continue existing as this kind of observant, well-meaning kid who doesn't really feel anything in the external world is intended for him.

We are all Londonfrog

What a shared experience /lit/ is. I can relate to all of that except the parenthesis.

No don’t worry I’m not trying to track you. I’m actually asking because I was reminded of this one time when I posted something on here and someone told me I posted the worst threads, so I was wondering if he literally was able to see my previous posts.

Holy shit dude, get over yourself

Oh, that's rather simple. I understand very well what you're talking about. One-on-one, your social status doesn't really matter, so you can connect to someone on a personal level. Since you're tolerably intelligent, conscientious, and well-read, you can hold a conversation quite nicely. However, in a group setting you consciously or otherwise become aware of your low social status, especially relative to the connections the other people in the group have to each other. That's what cripples your interactions in those settings. The solution to that, especially in casual settings where the group you're talking to are not a strongly-formed friend group or anything like that, requires basically acting casual, understanding the true nature of the group dynamic and that your place within that dynamic is not low and base, and acting accordingly. That or you find a more accessible group.

fuck off 90% of this board can relate
You do need to stop second-guessing yourself. I'm friends with a sperg who I go hiking with on a weekly basis, which is essentially the only time I talk to him. I'm sure he feels similar to you, as in "user would rather be talking to someone else," but the truth is that I genuinely enjoy the time I spend with him and it's ok that he's just a friend, not a best friend.

>what a shared experience /lit/ is
It really is. This board has exposed us to so much knowledge and truth and it’s up to us to put it to a good use. I wish you luck with your efforts, user

Not really. I mean I read more than my friends, but I was a somewhat wild, class clown kind of kid and was vaguely popular until I crashed at around 13 and just drifted along the bottom of life from then until now.

It's not that I care that others will think I'm a "psychologicall personality-type X", although this is a worry since I published that short story online which comes up on google when you search my name. It's that I myself have always clung to my clean conscience and perception of myself as a "good, pure" person, but now I don't even have that. When I had no friends, no money, nobody to talk to, etc I still had this inner passion and could summon it whenever I started to doubt myself and could remind myself "Hey man, you've never hurt anybody, you've never lied etc", but now I don't have that, all I have is a little more money, a secure job but nothing really good to say about myself. My self-deprecation, once a kind of strategy to be funny to others etc, now belies a genuine feeling of self-loathing that I know is not conducive to doing anything in life. If I was placed in a small cabin in the wilderness in 2013 and left alone, I'd be in heaven, now I'd be stuck with a self-persecuting conscience and regrets that I am too weak or childish to overcome.

I don't relate to this

Now fuck off you stupid faggot and take your non literature thread to /mu/ or some other shithole board

leave the poor bastard alone
do you think he wants to be a closer friend to you though? not that this is your resonsibility but don’t you sense his loneliness? would you take him out with you? like do you consider bringing him to the bar or to restaurants, movies etc?

>wild, class clown
Maybe you were acting out for attention, and deliberately humiliating yourself because you found that people noticed you for that?

Your whole problem is that you don't have much meaningful human contact, and that stems from decades of social inexperience. You fell off the wagon, and now your peers are far, far ahead of you in that department.

I relate to this post a hell of a lot. Just know that there are people out there that are going through the same thing. I think that other guy was right when he told you to get over yourself, but I would just like to add that good friendships are hard to come by because most people just aren’t as interested in meaningful relationships, and it’s not necessarily your fault.
A lot of folks like having mindless fun and don’t get into conversations of any serious depth. I can remember countless times when friends of mine would avoid intimate conversation to get to the latest gossip or the latest tv show they binge watched. Instead of digging deep into one conversation they would rather jump around to a lot of meaningless conversations that would leave me feeling empty. I think they did this as a result of their low attention spans, the same way people rush to pick up their phones when they get bored, as pretentious as that may sound. Of course I take responsibility for these failed relationships as well. Perhaps I was too needy and too unwilling to accept them for who they were. God this all sounds so insufferable but I’ll post it anyway

Have you seen evangelion?

You know OP, usually I get upset at these types of threads and flame the OP like , saying /lit/ is not your blog or whatever, and maybe it’s just because I’m high, but I took the time to read through all your posts and I feel for you. I’m a bit younger than you and honestly may be moving towards the same or a similar situation — I have 2 “close” friends from high school I still hang out with from time to time, but honestly feel inwardly distant from them. Besides them, I hang out with no one. Well, I don’t wanna keep going, I’m too lazy and high and hate talking about my life and expressing self-pity — but I feel for you, even though I often dislike people with the vice of self-pity.

You shouldn’t care about that story you published, there’s one advice I’ll give you. People rarely care about an author’s beginning pieces and short stories most of the time, unless they’re committed junkies/freakish fans of this author. Great authors have started out with obscure and awfully written short stories, it’s just starting. The more and the better stuff you write, the more others will forget about them. Second, it’s just social conditioning, you have to stop being enslaved to the liberal culture of outrage — tell them fuck off if anyone really gets pissed at you. We have free speech, we can change our minds, we can make mistakes. Do you really want to write and to live to please other people or to please yourself? This may seem an edgy recommendation, but I’d recommend reading Nietzsche. The Gay Science, Beyond Good & Evil, then Thus Spake Zarathustra are good. People call Nietzsche edgy and whatnot, but besides the bombast, he’s honestly a great medicine for the type of hyper-introverted intellectual l

>the biggest threads rn are Dawkins discussion and numerous "How can one country be so devoid of literary talent" threads
And we're not the shithole?
I don't expect another paragraph in response (unless you want to write) but to that all I can stress is that your self-doubting, fears, and social worries will be significantly diminished when (or if, because you could stop searching and live like an NPC) you find an actual purpose for your life. And no, this purpose does not have to be derived from the strict confines of one ideology's dogma.

(cont.)
It’s so obvious that it’s actually somewhat controversial to say, but intellectuals/the types who like to read serious books are somewhat rare in any society, and when you form a different taste and different culture from those surrounding you, you can begin to feel highly alienated from those around you.

Now, some socialized automatons get angry at this contention quickly. “Haha, if you’re so smart you should be able to relate with other people!! Why are you in such an ivory tower? You’re just pretentious, just learn to be chill, learn to care about shallow TV shows and social media so you can connect with your peers! Haha, so cringy” and so on. These are people who just can’t accept there is such a thing as introverted intellectuals, and it’s sometimes hard for them to be socially accepted through no deliberate failing of their own. Like says, especially with modern permeation of technology into every facet of our lives, people are just getting increasingly shallow, having shorter attention spans, and not being so interested in deep relationships beyond mindless fun. Again, some people think this is elitist and arrogant and suggesting you’re too smart to have friends, but I think it’s just a sad truth which can be humbly and honestly said.

I absolutely would and I have a few times. He knows that he can ask and when I'm usually free, so it's all up to his initiative. I genuinely, platonically like the guy but can sense that he's working shit out, which I think he needs to do mostly on his own.
(Not OP) I had a feeling many on this board could relate.
I don't know where you're going with this but no one outside of absolute weebs should bother. It's just another weak-protagonist waifu-bait anime. Oh and the mc wanks over a comatose body isn't that so lolrandomXD???

This seems right

i guess this is the blogpost thread

i genuinely cannot tell how people view me, there are a couple people i work with that are super nice to me and friendly, but most of them are just kind of almost like nervous or strange around me. I cant tell if they think im a weirdo or what they think, do they know im crazy?

When i was a teenager i was very extraverted and outgoing, very popular, but i developed a mental disorder that has changed me a lot, and while i can talk to people, general social situations are now inscrutable to me, not specifically because they are social, just because everything is immensely hard to understand and dreamlike for me.

The one thing i remain pretty good at is talking to women one on one, which is like instinctive for me, so my confusion at everything doesn't impact it. But i am rarely in that situation these days, because im so isolated. the last time it happened was with a woman who is married so i dont think anything could have happened but she was touching me a lot, which was nice because nobody ever touches me otherwise.

i want so badly to be at least sort of integrated into society again, but i just can't quite manage it. I know i could get a girl if i put some effort in, but that wouldnt actually reintegrate me, it would just be this one single connection, and i wouldnt be able to talk to her friends or family, so it would end, like all my other relationships.

am i just fucked, is this just all life is going to be until i off myself or end up in a psych ward or jail or some shit? like this is it, that is just a terrible thing

No, I haven't watched a movie in over a year. I intend to watch it however, but have done so for a long while.

I guess I was just more confident and less self-consciouss, plus I've always had a very genuine appreciation for humour, particularly "clever" humour or the kind which forces you to confront yourself in a raw sense, in literature, stand-up etc. But I agree with your point.

Thansk for your post. I agree about self-pity, and honestly one of my vices for a long time (I guess) was a tendency to try and interpret my life in such a way where I pitied myself and therefore expected more reward for less work, or something. I no longer feel that way and haven't for some time, and I am not hoping that people pity me ITT.

Are we talking about the same show?

Feel free to call me out, but I brought it up only because this thread is reading almost exactly like parts of Evangelion
>You are merely not used to being loved by other people

EoE is part of Evangelion, just as the Godfather 3 is part of the Godfather series.

Holy shit dude, get over yourself

PLEASE OP
Read no longer human

Is that a quoation from Evangelion? I guess it's true, but then again I'm not sure how much other people have been loved, or feel themselves to be.

I have read this.

Also, the line "The weak fear happiness" from that novel is something which seems truer to me as time goes on.

Yeah, the full quote is
>You are merely not used to being loved by other people. So there's no need for you to constantly care about
what other people think of you.
Evangelion deals almost entirely with people being unable to understand each other and only being able to understand yourself, but only from seeing yourself in relation to the world. It argues that you can only find meaning by practicing individualism as you experience the world around you. It’s mostly Hegelian, but it also references Kierkegaard

OP, are you an only child? I have this theory that only children have these exact characteristics. I am an only child, and, even more,my parents had me at a really old age(I'm sure this influences too).

Just be yourself :)

No, but my parents had me at a pretty old age and I grew up without my siblings around from an early age.

Unironically watch Evangelion. I took the time to read all of these posts and you sound like a real life Shinji.

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You know, psilocybin can unironically help with these issues. I wouldn’t recommend LSD because you don’t know what research chemical or dosage you’re getting. Just a few grams of dried shrooms in a quiet dark place you can be alone with for a few hours without distractions or anxiety.

Empathetic doesn't imply that you're always that way, like a robot or something.
Unfortunately, writing today is mostly just a process of individual growth. But if you can see it in the sense of spiritual growth perhaps you won't be so hard on yourself. We tend to see things in our own writings that others will not, and we can become lost in the imperfections.
In a sense, this 'cringeworthy' writing is something you had to do. It is just an aspect of how hollow our form of life is, and the tragedy plays out even within the cultural symbols. It is possible that this will help drive you forward at some point, as spritual crises can be great motivators.

Is it a movie or a series?

I guess we’re blogposting now

I think I may have some kind of mild schizophrenia or mental disorder becuase sometimes I’ll just have bouts of insanity where I get really hyper and foul-mouthed. I just can’t control it. It happens every month or so where for about 6 hours in a day I’ll just go insane like I’m on coke. I’ll finish the days work, that usually takes all day, in an hour or two and then go home and do really active shit whilst having intermittent rants and volleys of screams. For example, one day I felt it coming on and left work early and got home. From there that’s when it really hit, I started screaming and hitting things until I got an ax out of my garage and went into the woods behind my house and cut 3 trees down. Any doctors here to tell me what type of autism I have?

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Watch the series then the movie “end of Evangelion”

A 26 episode series that goes horribly off the rails halfway in and is concluded by a film
Make sure you see the directors cuts for episodes 21-24

This sounds like straight out of Notes from Underground, you’re a century late

So we’re just posting passages from My Diary Desu in this thread right?

yes

Do you live a very sedentary lifestyle? This outbursts might just be a symptom of that. Try some consistent exercise.

Sounds like bipolar desu

Sounds like you need >>>/sig/

You sound exactly like me, wanna be friends?

Honestly, Islam is looking very good right now.

Op listen to David Choe on the David Chang podcast

That does sound like bipolar desu
t. Bipolar
Get on lamotrigine or lithium fast before you do something really dumb while manic/hypomanic
Don't take anti depressants because they can trigger mania, even if a dumb shrink tells you to take them. Just get another shrink in that case.

im bipolar as well but untreated and am curious whta being on lithium is like? I have ruined my life in the past two years since my first real manic episode.

If you ignore this OP you are a fucking idiot.

Go get your hormones checked. Take aromatase inhibitors to limit the estrogen in your body. Inject testosterone for the rest of your life.

Realize and accept that nothing you feel matters. To get a girl you need to be better than her in every way possible and give her the impression that you will and can take care of her.

Realize and accept that you are also likely to be ugly. Find your flaws and fix them by any means necessary.

It is your own fault for not working psychpathically to get rich in your youth. If you didn't realize money is all that matters in your 27 years you seriously need to reconsider whether you really can consider yourself smart.

Things that don't matte for your value to other people: intelligence, humour, emotions, honesty

This is that do matter: positive affect, surgency, wealth, height, lean build and wide frame, productivity

Everything else is childish romanticism. You are essentially alone in this world, a conversation with the ancients is admirable but stop trying to include lesser people in to your private pleasures.

>To get a girl you need to be better than her in every way possible and give her the impression that you will and can take care of her.
there are a bunch of ways to get a girl, lots of them dont involve that stuff at all

We've talked the talk and now what will we Do next Anons?.

Obviously, it's the general form though

I expect lit to be able to read things charitably

I hate replies like this

poo willy ass butt semen

the thing is i dont think thats the general form at all. i think it's not even the most common or successful form

i didnt want to be a dick, so i didnt say that, but it's almost actually bad advice what you said

This is literally the "be the best subjective version of yourself" that I thought we had discredited in the first few posts
Oh right, faggots like you who reddit-space don't actually read any of the thread.

I hate edge-nihilist faggots like yourself.

I forgot to mention because rereading this it seems like I'm promoting something I'm not

status is the platonic form of what you offer to a woman, if you don't have it you can utilize dominance

but no one here weighs over 50kg so focus on status attainment

why?

Not but it's kind of true. Its all a hierarchy thing. You rarely see a relationship where the girl is higher status than the guy. Those relationships don't last. It's a little sad to think that's how attraction works but it do. =

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Your idealism will result in a mass shooting

Cause it's relevant I think

status is ambiguous for women though. women will obsess over unemployed junkies

Holy shit dude get over yourself

im not idealistic about love at all really. I just look around at who gets girls, and i see a few different types of guy who are good at it, thats all

Link the post and I'll reply to it

Not only is the bugman redditor too weak-willed to read books, he can't even read one /lit/ thread wherein he asserts his views to be true.
Yikes-a-roonie.

Looks matter as well but they are a form of status from the perspective of women

See

I don't know, I take lamotrigine. In my case, you still are insane but you don't get into extreme depression or mania (or hypomania). It just gives you the chance to be functional. I should be doing some sort of psychotherapy but I just don't give enough of a shit to do it.
As far as I know lamotrigine works better to kill the depressive episodes while lithium works better on mania.
But I also think lamotrigine slows me down a little too much. When I don't take my dose for 2 days or so I start feeling sharper, but it usually ends up in delusional thoughts and non-functionality.
You should really stop being un-medicated, but if you are a true loco and dont give a fuck, I guess you can try to stay that way, but thats probably a bad idea.

Link the post and I'll reply to it

Perceived status. You can be an unemployed loser who carries himself like he runs shit. Smarter girls can see through it and realize their insecurities.

To being a whiny douche? Sure

lol 2deep4u