Would someone be willing to hear me confess a lifetime of character defects and harm to others?

Would someone be willing to hear me confess a lifetime of character defects and harm to others?

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yes i would op/user

Thank you. My name is Joseph. I'll start with resentments:

>My mother for abandoning me and at times for birthing me at all. (Fear, self esteem)
>Grandmother-for being so controlling raising me, materialistic and emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Today, I mostly resent the fact we live together, but her constant negativity and controlling brings up old resentments.
>Kim H.- For winning the schism between Savannah and I.(sex)
>Rich, Zionist Jews- I see them as a force behind so much "evil";usury, porn, Hollywood, marketing, etc. (Fear, security)
>My father-in-law for not being there (self esteem)
>Uncle-for being emotionally unavailable (fear)
>Lisa- for not sticking by me and taking care of me (sex, security, self esteem)
>Savannah- for breaking up with me for a month (sex, fear, security, self esteem)
>I threatened to kill myself when both of them left (self esteem)

Now Sex:
Lisa- Rape, sodomy, humiliation, blame, cheating, belittling

Sister- fucked her and turned her out for drugs

Savannah- started sleeping with her when she was 14 an I was 29 and turned her out too

Tom- fucked his wife twice

Noah- stole his GF

Me- let a stranger give me a bj when I was a teenager, turned tricks for drugs and money

Cheted on Svannah with sister

Fears

I had a fear of depending on others, so I tuned into a cynic. I was afraid I wouldn't be good enough and would be casting aside

I felt afraid to be alone, that I needed a woman to be complete.

Once I get sent to advanced classes at a magnet school, I real turned on society because it actually got challenging. So instead of using my I to compete, I self sabotaged and used my intellect to point out all of the flaws in the system, basically dropping out of society altogther.

I was afraid of looking foolish

Afraid of not knowing the answer to a question, as my self esteem centered around my intelligence

Afraid to lose

Biggest fear is abandonmentprayed
prayed
As I child I was consume by fear of death
. I prayed nightly for myself and each loved one

As I go older, puberty, I had a full on existential crisis and entropy began to overwhelm me into nihilism

Are you still there user?

Selfish, dishonest, self seeking

Stole drugs from my grandma and uncle

Made up a fake life to seem interesting

Attacked Christians and made one cry over their faith and beliefs

Used to pick on a couple weaker kids in school to feel better

Felt I was different and used my IQ as a weapon to belittle others

I used to fantasize about killing a lot of people, like school shooting type stuff, but before Columbine

I used to convince people I had special powers

Was always afraid to admit I was wrong and ask for help

Kept $20 I found at Noah's

Stole $400 from the liquor store

I've told a million lies to get money hile dope sick and a million more hile drunk

Stole from Georgie

Was happy when I pulled the plug on my mom

Wouldn't call 911 for a while when my sister oded because I didn't want my grandmother to know she was here and we were doing drugs

I was glad when I pulled the plug on her too

Artie- violence

Michael- violence

That one guy from canada- violence

Chris- violence

Savannah- violence

Sister- violence

A lot of theft and debt.

That's it. Would someone please confirm theread all of this so I may be absolved please?

I read everything.Also I am another user, but I guess your sins are forgiven and all that.
I see myself in you a lot.
How is your life nowadays?
Any better?

>Would someone please confirm theread all of this so I may be absolved please?
Wowie, Catholics have it real easy.

My life is amazing today. I haven't been to Jow Forums in weeks. But I couldn't think of a better place to do this. I'm on a spiritual path, and this was an important step for humility and also kind of a Jungian shadow thing. I have 77 days clean from heroin, and I've been meditating eeryday for 70, as I'm a "Taoist" and things keep getting better.

I'm not Catholic. Just humbling myself and facing my shortcomings.

This sounds like 12 step voodoo.

Good for you user.
I noticed some of us self-destructive guys make it in the end.
I'm still making my way through hell, but I guess one day I'll see the light, be it my bright future, or the train that will chop my head off

I didn't mention I tried to kill myself several times. Once landed me with 72 stitches.

Eckhart Toll says that with the right guidance, it's often easier for people like us to destroy the ego and have a true awakening than it is for someone who has a lot of self esteem, and security, and possessions and a wife etc.

I'm a Taoist, so to me it is enantiodromia, a fact of nature, that things tend toward their opposites.

You must be willing to ask for help and take suggestions, even if they sound stupid. Your ego, your body and your pain body want you to keep feeding them. But you have the house to change

It is. It works..

*Tolle
*Choice, not house

Also, hell is your thoughts and the kingdom of heaven lies within.

Interesting.
I vaguely remember a family meeting a couple of months ago.
We were talking about stuff and some realtives pointed out the fact that I'm a freak with no future and stuff like that.
But then my father pointed out that he is not worried, I am still fairly young, and he said that people like me start rough but end up good.
He gave the example of my uncle, who in his younger days used to be a footbal hooligan who ran arouns in gangs.Noeadays he is married with 2 kids and has grandchildren.
I suppose this should give me hope, but my own views on the world are so distorted I don't even know what I want anymore.

I understand friend. In that case, it can't hurt to try and clear away some of the mental conditioning so you can view things more objectively. In the beginning, you will likely need to rely on others, but eventually the real you will begin to emerge.

Trust the universe, work with acceptance, recognize thoughts and emotions as they arise and try to realize that you are not your thoughts, you are not other people's thoughts, you are not your past or your future, you are here right now. Try to observe this moment, objectively. It helps to start with your breath or your body.

If you are good at something, some art form, like a sport, an instrument, video game or something like that, even listening to music or dancing.... There is a moment of clarity we get when we are doing these things just right, with no thought or expectation, what some call being in the zone. In that way of being lies the real you. Build from there.

Also, none of this would have been possible without one evening 6 years ago where I took 3.5 grams of shrooms and a lot of DMT and I was able to peak through the veil.

Really nice and wise words man,thank you.
I dunno, I guess I'l find my way eventually, my only problem is that I've demonized myseld ans the world too much.
I don't trust anyone as I expect everyone to try and backstab me for whatever reason.
I just generally believe nothing good will come out of my life.
I don't know it kinda sucks.
But thanks for answering to me.
It seems like you made it.
I hope one day, I'll make a similar thread telling others that hope is not dead.
But until then I sit and wait.

Imagine that future version of you that is writing that thread, and start acting like him now. Waiting won't do it. But you are fine the way you are my friend. You're aware that something is off, and you seem to have some places to start looking for what it is. The universe is perfect, and so are you. Much love friend, and thank you for helping me on my journey.

Thank you friend.
If we are ever to meet again, i hope it will be under better circumstances.

You're technically supposed to do this with a person you trust, but I don't see anything in the book saying you can't do it this way. Either way try and do step 5 sooner than later.

Also can you post a pic of your tummy?

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You're such a fucking hypocrite lmao, please stop crying at off yourself.

Why do power of now meditation advocates come off as braindead drooling idiots? Their theory is based on removing yourself from you. But then there is nothing left.

I trust anonymous Jow Forums and arcanines. You realize I'm a man right? But I will post my stomach if you like. Also, so many people on my list could be hurt if I told these things to someone I know.

You're incorrect. You are removing the conditioning that isn't you. You are left with your true self. Negative emotions, material attachments, do you believe those are who you are? Do you believe all of your thoughts? The purpose is to view life objectively, without prejudice, conditioning or being jaded, with the innocence of a child. Like biting in to a crisp apple, or seeing a lunar eclipse. Only every mundane thing in life begins to b that stimualtong, awesome and fulfilling.

Also, only the present moment exists. All else is illusion.

user/Joseph your story is wild and I find this kind of story really crazy and interesting is there are way you can show us you aren't larping?

I do realize you are a man now show the tummy

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Here is full torso. Bad camera, sorry.

Pic related shows my scars and my "Lisa" tattoo. What else would you like to see? My Tao te Ching? My meditation notes? My Adam4adam profile?

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Also, I practice Qigong post birth breathing, so if you like tummies, that's why man I always pooched out. I breath with my belly, not my lungs.

Adam4adam profile? That sounds interesting. Ok show me that and the willy if you want

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