Hey guys what do you think of this little thing I wrote?

hey guys what do you think of this little thing I wrote?

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Bumper gfffffff

use 'I' at least once

Fucking shitty
You're a terrible writer

I would just break both your arms and get it over with already, OP

Okay thanks for the feedback and for reading

I'm not really that experienced with stream of consciousness writing, but I like it. Keep writing, user!

Thanks :)
Im glad you get that it is stream of consciousness. Woolf and Joyce are two of my heroes

Yeah, it shows! In this case, the style is great because you're trying to show how off balance your character is, and how lonely he is in the crowd. I really like the last sentence, and the Candy Crush advert.

Too many em-dashes other than that it's a great start

grrrrrrr companies are bad because tv say so

Thanks I appreciate it. Bud dammit I like em-dashes. Theyre the perfect imbetween of a comma and a period.

I wasnt trying to make a statement or anything. I was just describing things I saw.

It is unbearable to read if you dont use complete sentences. Have a subject and predicate for each phrase, please.

>Unbearable to read if you dont use complete sentences. Subject and predicate for each phrase, please.

Which one of these two was better to understand?

i quite like this style of writing. very immersive. thanks for sharing, user.

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pleb.

don't come here for writing advice OP. i liked it though. especially the guy who looks like he's walking up a steep hill.

Thnx m8s glad yall like it

Reads like ready player one.

No, thats just his style! He's not bad, all literature is beautiful.

you write like a faggy twat

i like your subject and interpretation a lot just work out filling out scenes and connecting ideas better. also don't use stuff like "A group" to start sentence, that just looks stupid. use "There was a group" or "I saw a group" if you must

>also don't use stuff like "A group" to start sentence, that just looks stupid. use "There was a group"

Yeah, listen to the user who advises you to switch from active to passive voice, that'll work

>There was a group dancing by the stairwell dressed in orange robes
>A group was dancing by the stairwell dressed in orange robes
which looks better

I'd like to keep reading more.

Nothing happens got bored, also if its stream of conciousness why does it stay so simplistic my socks are wet someone has a cigarette in their mouth he doesnt have anything to say about anything youre basically describing a scene for four paragraphs, and a boring one