What made you the way you are anons?

>ugly
that's not your issue, I can guarantee you that

try digging deeper in your memories, something might have happened that traumatized you when you were kid, it's a pretty common cause for people with mental illness

Thanks, I'm working on that.

Same. I ended up becoming a nerd out of having no friends and nothing better to do. Being the teacher's pet made the target over my head even bigger.

I hope you find peace and happiness far away from him, soon.

I was never bullied or abused.
I just became aware of my physical and mental/social shortcomings as I grew older and eventually those insecurities grew strong enough to cripple any attempt or desire to nurture any decent human interaction without being terrified of dissapointing and boring others, and eventually being mocked, betrayed or lied to.

>was told i was special too much when i was younger,probably was the weird kid in primary school, most likely a valentines day fuck accident,
>Just an idiot in general, anger management issues, had shower not as often as i should, lazy

>3rd grade, valentines day is tommorow and i like this gal, i make her a card and i leave it on her desk when its time to leave to go home,next day one of her friends said something "oh yeah the card, she'll eat the chocolate and burn the rest of it when she gets home" Im sure this affected my self esteem.
>Me and 2 friends go to a secluded place, one friend says "hey lets whip out our dicks" two of em whip em out and i do too, and well we just kind of let em out into the breeze, i really dont know if this affected me if at all.
>be at park, this girl walks up to me and just starts imitating everything i say, i get really angry and just start choking her i dont know why but i was just so angry, i let her go and she cried then i went home, then her mom came to my house and said "something dont go near my daughter blah blah"smacked me, last time i even remember seeing her.
>be with 2 other friends, i dont know why but we just started fighting, both of em gang up on me because they thought i started but i really dont remember at all,obviously lose, walk home crying to myself while both of them are behind me walking and pushing me if i get too slow, a day or two later i see em and we act like nothing happened.

And why should i even try anymore at anything, i dont see why i should even continue living theres just melancholy and self hatred, sure thats probably normal and a lot of others have the same problems or even bigger ones but they can actually push through them and i cant. I dont want to keep going for those "little moments" they are just not worth the toll,

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My friend and I use to play with each others boiclit for around grades 1 to 5, no fucking just some sucking and touching or sword fighting

alcoholic parents + first generation American culture shock really fucked me good

>Grew up fatherless
>Mother a regular alcoholic
>Older sister initially supportive, turned to hard drugs herself
>Victim complex developed through failure to develop proper social cues
>Years of uncertainty leading to complete lack of trust in others

Just a handful of explanatations

Well I moved away from all my friends and my family just because a fucking company fired my mom. I lost all my 6 yrs work of gaining friends (I've always been the odd one out) here is how things are since then

1st year
>become slightly introverted and edgy all the time
>have a crush on a roastie (i know)
> She shittlaks me in front of ALL the girls in the class behind my back and they all insulted me. Crush said some damable things
>knew nobody at this school
>got made fun of a lot

2nd year
>still havent gotten revenge on x crush yet
> get made fun of more
>still dont have that many friends, but i know more people
>work got hard and i just blew it off, this was a big mistake.
>Doing my own thing is harder now because everyone monitors me
>Full introvertedness
3rd year
>still a loser
>tried talking to more people but things are even WORSE now
>everyone takes APs and I didnt know jackshit about high school system
> all people care about is sports if you dont play them you are NOTHING
>get made fun of like everyday
>shitty apartment with constant noise

There is more but its personal

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dad attempted to murder my mom in front of my when i was 4
i didnt see him again for 11 years
mom couldnt support family went homeless had to end up living with him
my dad didnt believe in any of my dreams and called me a failure
>first person in my family to graduate high school and first in college
big achievement for me but im still r9k tier in reality

no idea. grew up upper middle class with both parents. no major trauma or anything in my life. things were pretty normie tier for me until high school and then i just started hating everyone and everything. went from honor roll and advanced classes to barely graduating.

My dad was always gone working and my mother was a gambling/alcohol addict that tried to choke me out to death, so i called the police.

I was always interested in metal/punk music in the early 90's, so i wasn't really included in a lot of groups because of what i looked like (thrash metal t-shirts, long hair, skinny). I also really liked comic books. Alien vs predator was my favorite and jocks would make fun of me- and buy me comics/bring them to school to do their homework for them

I spent a lot of my time playing videogames. Gameboy colour, Snes, N64, stuff like that when it was still something only young outcasts did. I also liked to use my scooter around the trailer park i grew up in. One of my worst memories is going outside to find a stolen scooter placed in my parents driveway with a note saying "heres your scooter you fucking fag". If my dad found it before me they probably would've been heartbroken.

When i became a teenager i developed horrendous cystic acne that required surgery and lasers. I left public school because of bullying/being an outcast and completed homeschooling on my own. I still have scars from it today.

I'm face-to-toe covered in tattoos now and hang out alone at local rock shows. A lot of "alternative" people know me but i don't really like their habits and how they hop from trend-to-trend, so i don't hang out with them at all. I'm caught between the worlds of being a robot and a normie. I don't fit anywhere.

>Bullied from elementary school until the end of high school
>Parents only care for my sister
>Actually socially retarded

And now I'm a 30 year old virgin that doesn't have a single friend and works a dead end office job. Only things in my life are vidya, manga and gym. I really do feel like I should talk to a psychiatrist.

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family abuse is known to cause mental problems later in in life, it blows

dunno, people always found me weard, also my father tryed to kill my mother in front of me, also he abused us for years, now when im 29, training martial arts daily and working in the military I pray to god that someday I can use all my hate bulid inside me, sometimes I fantaside about killing people and killing myself, on the other hand, I cannot harm a innocent one, I lost hope for future, for a relationship for a sane life, I ceep my mask of sanity only for my mother, as long as she lives, iv got a grip of reality, when she will be gone, all I want is death for me and everyone fucking bastard abusing weaker people. All I can fell is fear and hate.

I see alot of similarities bettwen us, does hate fuel you to go forword?

Hate fuels me.
I hate my parents for being shit.
I hate my teachers and family friends for telling me "apple doesn't fall far from the tree"
I hate people at school for being assholes because I had no friends
I hate tha valedictorian who told me that I couldnt do anything with my life because I didn't get a mf 4.0 GPA
I want to prove all those fags that I can do something with my life.
I'm going to school for Biology, going to become a doctor. I'm rising above all this shit and rub it in the face of those faggots who will be getting 30k a year being a barista or putting salt on my fries

I like this post, I see myself in this guy

>Bullied in elementary school and never had solid group of friends.
>Shitty parenting from immigrant parents

Dad abused me
Bullying
Bipolar genetic on moms side(mom isn't, grandfather is and harmed himself extensively when he was younger, lost his legs)
Internet
Disliking the native language where I'm from
Disliking noise
Being short and thin/androgynous looking
All of these are what made me the nothing I am today.

>mother killed herself shortly after my birth
>raised by dad who beat me and grandma who ignored it
>grandma would tell me all about my "psycho" mother who made my dad's life hell then necked
>bullied in school for being poor and stupid
>bullied in college for being a weird recluse
>dropped out
>bullied at first job for being weird and quiet
>now live at home, jobless, with dad who still threatens me because im a fat loser who eats all his money away

on the positive side, gma is dead

A bit of all three really.

The big one is being dropped out of school at 12 and not being homeschooled, just staying inside all day for years.

Socializing with people is exhausting and not worth the potential ridicule, so I just stopped unless necessary.

also
>talk to robot-y people about this
>they say I'm lucky and that my parents are heroes for taking me out
Even if you have had a lousy experience in school you're wrong to say this is better. It's like comparing a gross but totally nutritious meal with total malnutrition and starvation.

I had a great childhood, good parents, good schoollife.

There is no possible explanation for me suddenly turning into a freak at age 14.

unironically autism

I am not capable of acting normal, even when i try

I was designed to fail, it's like i came out pandora's box.
>be born
>parents over 40
>i am lastborn, so is dad
>ayy lmao shitty genes
>able bodied, but have quite a few issues, can't breathe properly, allergies, slightly high iq sperg, the works.
>all siblings were college aged, have barely any contact with my paternal family, grans are ded, some uncles/aunties too, i pretty much know only 1-2 cousins who are 30+ older.
>things slightly better from moms, still older than me
>i live in what was considered the new area of my town, all cousins were living in the same block
>this means they all see eachother daily, except me because fuck me rite
>get sent to dad elementary school, again far from home
>idiot move, all the kids at school see each other in the afternoon, i hangout with kids in my block, but never really connect because they share same school I don't
>health worsens, probably loneliness, get meds and for some reason start to bloat, from being a skinny kid
>everyone makes fun of me, but i am quite tall compared to most
>autism violence, I take none of their shit, thanks dad for teaching me
>doesn't work when kids I hangout after school make fun of me, they are older, stronger
>some throw rocks, some keep me around when none of their friends are there
>break arm one day, someone pushed me as i was trying to climb onto something, used arm not to split face open
>get a cast, get back, use cast as weapon
>everyone hates me when i punish them with armweapon
>teachers don't give a shit I can't write with non dominant arm
>end up alone, friendless, dad finally gets me vidya, don't go out anymore
>dad not happy, I don't wanna go to school anymore either, getting fatter now due to undxd hypothyroidism
>manage to get to middleschool, near home, learn an instrument, make 3 friends
>3 years here, good times, most people know not to fuck with me, have friends so i don't care
>makes up for past abuses, neglect, ghosting
Pt.1

>manlet
>super religious household
>nerdy
>dicklet
>used to wet the bed until I was 10
that's about it

"There is more but its personal"

Tell us, you are anonymous.

Father gaslighting me a lot, getting the belt/cane for things I didn't do/ things that weren't that severe. It made me really love school, because in school the rules were reasonable, when you broke them, they explained what you did wrong, and you weren't made to feel threatened. I was bullied in grade 4 but stopped getting bullied when I eventually just became the bully myself.

Anyway, I liked school, so I put a lot of effort into getting good grades because at least I couldn't get in trouble if I was studying. This meant I missed out on a lot of those generic teenage experiences (but hey I got straight As, that means something r-right guys?). It wasn't til I was about 20 that I actually unironically wanted a gf, but I have no idea how to go about it irl, and I'd want a girl as inexperienced as me with similar views, so tinder and clubs are out of the question. I probably couldve gotten laid by now, I know a girl that does want me, or at least did, but I don't believe in casual sex. I can't actually get off to the idea of sex unless it's someone I love that loves me back (i fell for the e-relationship meme earlier this year which is how I found this out, before that I thought I was asexual). I guess it is my own standards stopping me from being in love, but I'm not shallow.

One thing, to anons who have never had any kind of relationship at all, even though it hurts when she leaves you, I do believe it's better to have loved and lost. You gain experience and learn things about yourself, you're able to work on those things and it helps you find out who you want to be. Being in love with someone is better than busting a nut, because it's 24/7 lame cheesy happiness that fills you, it puts a spring in your step. It is complete felicity and I'm glad to have experienced it at least once in my life, even if normie anons try to tell me that e-love isn't real love.

Pt.2
>puberty going strong, kept weight in check with gym but won't last
>it's highschool time now
>stem hs, barely any girls, mostly ugly fembots
>school is out of town, 2 of 3 friends follow
>obviously barely make new real friends because they are from different places and already have social circles from elem. and middle, unlike me
>it's testosterone party, first year it's a big class like 30 guys or so, we do fuck all, take the piss of everything, literally had headmaster checking every week
>not bad, some make fun of me but we generally make fun of everyone, some fight clubs, some deal weed, some play, some actually study, it's stem after all
>my 2 friends are in another class though, miss them, still hangout with them afterschool
>ff new year, one of friends moves after parents divorce, he failed the year anyway
>barely see him anymore, even today (i'm 23 now)
>3rd year, make a new friend, year older, other friend changed schools because he's chad not getting pussy in this sausage party
>he starts hanging out with others, where pussy is
>gets lots of attention in our town from girls and new school
>he passes by sometimes, eventually stops, he can't be seen with me and he has a gf now, has no time for me
>i drop gym, used to go with him, he's chad he doesn't need it anymore
>new friend doesn't hangout much, scrawny geek kid who has similiar past to me, escept he didn't fight back because he's not big
>at this point I've lost any irl social contact, old friends doing shit, drugs, booze, party, pussy, I'm left behind
>realize family's kind of garbage, dad didn't parent enough, siblings i barely know have their own life
>cousins as well
>never went to family vacations, meeting or whatever relatives do outside bday parties
>I didn't know people were so much more social, actually inviting non friends to parties as well
>wait wtf, reality blowns up in my face, it's like everyone but me knows this shit
>nuke was dropped in my mind

belt and cane? lmao what year were u born?

parents were never around when I was young, then they got divorced. I started drinking, smoking and doing drugs in high school, nobody stopped me because my mom never gave a shit about me (middle child). also I'm a manlet, and even tho I had friends on high school, I am just sort of invisible to everyone

>>I'm ugly
>>I'm autistic
>not a valid argument
Fuck you buddy, thems the reasons

there is an ass for every seat

Pt.3
>16 still, i get brutally raped with red pills im every hole as i dig into human actual social society
>used internet mostly for school, vidya, streaming sites and whatever autistic interest of the moment
>finally begin to understand why i got stood up on meetings with non friends, how looks are everything, why girls don't like me, why i only hear about the few guys who get all the pussy, why people don't like me and avoid me
>why barely anyone came to my bday parties, why everyone would disappear during holidays
>town is ghost town during holidays like xmas or during summer, everyone goes to vacations with relatives from big cities
>in other words, i discover normie world, start paying attention and autistically study their behavior, even watch some tv trash shows (big regrets, didn't last anyway)
>it's like I've been pranked all along my entire life
>i get aware, now red pill terms weren't a thing back then yet
>as i dig, barely spend time playing vidya, dad won't buy new ones anyway because I'm failing classes
>read, read, read.
>at this point i'm hyper aware, spread knowledge to the only friend left
>turns out he's not a sperg like me but family's shit as mine, hell even worse
>fucker has a gf somehow
>lmao she cheats with 19 y old chad who owns car, is tall and not scrawny
>friend and i find out because I don't trust anyone at this point, recovering memories from people being miserable in marriages, everything falls into piece
>bitch confirms to my now redpilled friend, she doesn't care, pure cold blooded teenage chads bitch
>friend is now an hero
>happy bday to me I'm now 17, last bday i ever celebrate, no one but parents to celebrate with
>I'm alone, last friend is gone, I can't handle this shit
>i skip classes with thugs, drug dealers, some other foul people from hs
>they are nice to me for some reason, i have acquired the abilty to see miserable by observing for few minutes
>everyone now hangout with is older than me

I don't know what made me into a reclusive hermit but I think it might be me having no real friends I would hang out with on a regular basis.
Along the way, I became more jaded and filled with vitriol.

my mom didnt let my go outside and play with others when i was a kid till i got to school and that made me such a weirdo and i couldnt make any friends but i never even cared about having friends because i was pretty much used to it at the time
i dunno i feel like this fucked up the social part of my brain and i can never be a social person ever but im still used to it and almost never feel lonely

>bullying in school? family abuse? some type of disability?
All of them
I was seriously bullied in school, had a mentally abusive father, and I have paranoid schizophrenia

Mom had me with a retarded guy, ashamed of me but still bothered to bring me up she raised me with my step dad who already had 3 kids. Haven't seen my dad since I was 17/18.

Naturally my step familly hated me and my mother did too cos I reminded her of her stupidity in having me, when they weren't bullying me they were completely ignoring me. What irritates the shit out of me is the fact that they tell me they still think of me as a brother when I know that they don't give a shit about me. They only time I speak to them is at Christmas and my Mom's birthday.

Now I'm completely alone and because of them I lack the skills to make my own family and circle of friends, which is a real cruel joke. People like my parents shouldn't have kids.

when im surrounded, i get angry. and i dont mean a little ticked, i get PISSED. i cant stand it when a group of people corner me. i just get so infuriated i push through under any means. even if they arent trying to harm me. i dont know why

Thanks for your thoughts, Brendan

Always trying to push myself to do more and failing hard. I mean, im ugly and depressed too, but that just adds onto the pain of failure. I have trust issues, and I can never truly relate to a person. I guess I wish I'd never been born. I've realized that its better for anons to stay to themselves.There's nothing out there but pain, suffering and ridicule for people who aren't normal.

Pt.4
>at this point these people are the only guys left to hangout with
>we aren't friends, but they buy me shit like food or sometimes booze, that's how i cope
>these people tell me to help them find new people so they can rob them or sell drugs
>point the finger at my town, I don't even bother to take the bus to go to town where hs is, they come to me
>prime targets are mid 50 men and teenagers
>no feel when people who hated me now are getting into drugs because of me
>time goes by, getting legal next year
>nobody suspects the fat sperg with no friends and no beard
>something goes wrong, some people start dying from od, I don't care
>i didn't know then, but the people i was with were part of a gang in their town, i now brought them here
>apparently i wasn't the only underage being used as recognition tool, each group had theirs
>months go by, shits getting hot, hear violence kind of spiked up in my town, people are getting concerned especially because kids are unsafe seeing recent od deaths
>something goes wrong, 40 year old thug part of a small local gang(my towns smaller than hs town where my "friends" are from) shows up in a public place
>it's evening, I'm sitting on a bench in this little park
>40 old thug starts firing guns, claps one of my dudes, i get scared shitless, jump into bush and hide
>it's a disaster, around 5 mins of hell, 2 dudes die, 40 old mang is injured, i flee like the little shit i am, police shows up, late obviously
>first time I've ever seen someome die by shotgun, not pretty
>dudes don't contact me ever again
>dad doesn't want me to go out alone in the evenings anymore
>i realize how alone i am, everybody left me one way or another, everybody avoided me or denied my existence one way or another
>never thought about an hero until now, haven't even fully understood the pain, i cry after not having done so since friend who an hero, think of him, miss him
>school ends, dad gets mail about me skipping classes
>ohshit

Primary school, All my friends left for one reason or another
Secondary school, NEver really made friends with anyone, sorta just sat and idled
College, pretty much the same as secondary, nobody paid any attention to me and me to them.

grandpa put his peepee in my pooper

when i was 6 i was molested and raped by my best friend or his older brother. Its a bit fuzzy. When i was 8 i was molested and raped again by my best friends brother. I was bullied throughout my entire elementary school life. Never got into a fight, except one time where one boy wanted the ball and i didnt give it to him. We both had our hands on the ball and were struggling for it. That was in 4th grade. I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 14 and was also told that I may suffer from schizophrenia by my late teens. I did and i had multiple psychotic breaks, small things and some big things from the ages 18, when i was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder , to the age of 23. Some bad times but i was so stuck in my own little world i thought everything was fine. Ive been depressed for the past 5 years and never even had the slightest clue.. Im 28 now and my life is full of depression, autism, and schizo shit that I am completely incompatible with the outside world. I can pretend and fake it, but it drains me so deeply. Ive got a full list of medical disorders that keep me from working a steady job, and now because of that im just a drunken loser with no ambition. Im delusional in thinking ill do anything great or even good.

I dont have to try to be a good person. Im the best person anyone will ever meet, but im "odd" and "quirky", and that keeps me from really experiencing life to the fullest. I just cant function like a normal person.
typing all this has depressed me so much. Im drinking a shot for every poster in the thread. Cheers bros.

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My mom put a fucking tard wrangler on me during middle school

Pt.5
>dad never really cared much about me as now
>if you didn't figure out yet, i am a mistake child, considering my sibling age and age of parents
>he begins torturing me with questions on what I've been up to these months
>wtf, all he ever cared was for my grades, he never parented me like other parents do, I'm used to this but not used to dad actually asking wtf i do in my free time, he knows nothing about me except i like vidya and abusing internet
>i kind of wanted to tell him the truth, i only told him I didn't like that school anymore and hung out with kids from other schools who skipped class like me
>technically almost the truth
>he believes it because if I was in the other town I couldn't be part of the shitstorm in mine, plus again nobody thinks I'm capable lf shit anyway
>mom supports whatever i do anyway cuz moms are like that
>dad says i can have a free year but i gotta find a job or finish school after because they are old already
>he delivers a redpill coated knife in my heart saying that nobody will love you once you aren't a kid anymore and that my 18 bday is near
>tells me that only parents can love their children, mom says the same
>if I won't provide for myself no one will once they are gone, not even your siblings that you see once or twice a year, strangers to me.
>at this point he goes on a speech he wanted to hit me with on my 18th on how the world is
>most of it i know anyway, thanks asshole for not helping me since the start, should have known earlier
>at this point, i spend the entire summer with all what's happened these few years
>I don't think it'll end well, more pain and crisis than i have ever felt
>start thinking about friend who an hero
>start hoping 2012 end of the world is real
>lmao the world didn't end but don't feel alive ever since
>new year, bday is close, parents buy me a smartphone, I'll need it for an eventual job
>apparently these things are booming
>everyone has one, the shit culture of today is blooming

I have a tiny dick

I'm ugly and a manlet, there you go argument is now valid

Also family issues, lack of love or proper care growing up, money issues that turned into stress for everyone else, existential grief, etc

Well someone got shitfaced tonite. And you need to find some weird and quirky friends. I got some, at least one that i can say for certain, they exist. Too bad that we probably are half a globe apart. Ive dealt with schizophrenics and depressed people so you wouldnt surprise me. Well take care and dont die from alcohol poisoning.

Pt.6
>internet isn't for losers anymore apparently
>on my way for being a doomer
>fat, sperg, bad environment everywhere except my room, no social contact except parents
>everyone outside is even more boring than usual, most of young people are smartphone zombies, not that much better than me the unliving, at least they graduate from hs, do normie fun and get pussy
>oh right, there are people that have sex out of porn
>mfw when fat, hypothyro, most likely low test, no degrees, but good at being alone, miserable and virgin
>recently one of the old friends from middle hits me up to play together LoL
>only dude i keep having a contact with, because why not
>leap year goes fast, dad forces me to get evening classes, pretty lame stuff, again, everyone is a failure, older than me, ugly as expected
>surprisingly nice amount of older girls, all fat except one who's a 17 y single mom of 3y daughter
>not bad despite being the only two young ones we don't get much close because I don't trust her
>mfw I probably could have gotten some action with her seeing how desperate she was as a young mother
>Classes are whack, too easy, don't teach you about life, mostly garbage education that won't give you any skills
>it feels like i landed in an asylum instead of a school
>the men are single, most of the women are not, only older divorced women are single, and the yung mom
>everyone is miserable
>the environment is again shit, this crap tears me down even more
>eventually drop out to play LoL with friend
>time goes by, friend gets a job in another country, rarely plays, the game goes to shit after season 5 anyway
>dad obviously gets upset, criticizes me as all he's ever done because afterall he's miserable as well
>i keep on coping for more, somehow I'm still developing beard and dick at 22, still not complete beard and dicklet slighly under avg
>dad decides to bring me with him on some jobs he's been doing after retirement, usually helped him on sundays, now everyday

Well, the root of it is I grew up with a heavily autistic brother. He was pretty violent and demanding, as a result my parents gave him his way in everything for a quiet life whilst putting me last in everything and taking their stress out on me. As well as constantly being attacked by my brother I had them grinding away at any self worth I had by twisting it to seem like I deserved everything he did.
Combined with general emotional neglect, never being hugged, allowed to not brush teeth or bathe. Etc. Eventually leading to downright emotional abuse in my teens which is a very sensitive time. As my mother got more and more nasty and unstable. Tried to attack me with a poker, I pushed her away in fear and she made herself stumble backwards. To this day swears to everyone I tried to push her down the stairs, I genuinely think the psychotic cunt believes it,
Also the usual bullying at school for being ugly and the mongos sister, it was a very small school of 300 people so I was ostracised.

I also got nearly killed in a bullying incident in which I was jumped walking home from school, they bashed my head against a wall repeatedly and I was in hospital for nearly a year, missed school, totally withdrew into myself and fucked my education up repeatedly with different attempts at college etc. Continued to fuck up every job for having no social skills and poor mental health.

I also had a stroke (though not a huge one) when I was 19 which fucked me over a lot. Was a long process to overcome.

Anyway I mostly just feel bad for my parents now, we were never close but that doesn't mean I don't understand why things were that way. It's shit though because they had one fucking normal kid and they fucked me up.

I was, apparently, born fucked in the head. No specific thing wrong with me. I just dislike people as a rule and have next to no connection to my emotions.

I wish I had something to blame.

I just spent too much time playing video games and browsing the net. I was neither bullied nor had a bad childhood.

>mom is bipolar ex junkie
>dad is depressed alcoholic
>was sexually abused during middle school

There was never any hope for me.

Pt.7
>it ain't fun, but at least he stops bitching
>doesn't even pay me, says it's for contributing with expenses, won't let me parasite
>went from sometimes crippled by depression and weak ass tired because of shit body to crippled everyday
>stop helping dad, i get somewhat better, but still won't help
>threatens to kick me out, at this point I don't even know why I haven't killed myself yet, possibly afraid lf failing like everything i have attempted at
>the only thing i say to him is to do as he pleases
>won't kick me out, mom won't allow it
>he brings a doc to get my blood for test as i won't go out anymore
>get dxed with hypothyroidism and a bunch of minor stuff that can get fixed with new diet and excercise
>mfw i take new meds for thyroid for a few months, keep on taking other meds for primordial shit i forgot about
>don't change diet made of water and mom very good cooking, women of yesterday, good ones compared to today
>mfw lose 30lb from doing absolutely nothing but taking meds in the last few months
>get absolutely fucking madder than ever before, i could have avoided so much shit as i realize that
>if few little things were different in my life, such as better parenting, better healthcare, relatives that actually gave a fuck about me, or anyone for that matter
>i could have lived the normie life, with today modern medicine if used correctly and on fucking time
>but it's too late now, go in the basement
>daddy's messy basement, it's huge
>use all of my autistic rage into cutting wood that needs to be settled
>everything hurts, nobody's home
>there's a fat ball of pain roaming armed with a hammer and an axe
>not sure if i wanna kill myself or kill something
>everything is a mess, my body, my mind, the friggin wood sea around me
>try to get into dads gun cache but I'm too weak and tired and emotionally altered to strike hard
>i end up looking for a rope
>daz it, give yer rope a good ol rub
>tie the shit to the ceiling there's a hook
>here we go

>Fatfag
>Bi w/ really intolerant father
>Poor as all hell
>Raped multiple times as a little kid
>Multiple mental illnesses
>Small dick
>Bullied for my whole childhood
>Jaded, dissociative prick

but being austistic leads to being abused by other people you fucking retard how is being a sperg not a valid argument and besides that depending on how you look like people will treat you differently

kill yourselffagreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWADAWDAWD

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My father died when I was 9, I'm in therapy now but that fucked me up royally in my development.

>Good parents
>Two normal siblings
>Received minimal bullying, no more than an ordinary child needs to toughen up

I was just always one of those people that are a bit different. Other parents used to ask my mother and father if I was autistic but I was never tested and don't believe that I am.

I did receive a few head injuries when I was quite young which may have done something.

Pt.8
>wake up in a puddle of blood
>head hurts, inside and out
>too fat for my hook
>feels like it's been a long time, not really
>parents will be home soon, probably with pizza tonight
>clean blood, try to make basement presentable
>head fucking hurts i forgot to stop the bleeding, there's a cut on the side
>wrap my shit as if it were halloween, i think i busted one of my ears too
>I literally look horrible, might use this one for halloween
>i could dress as a lobotomized patient, act like one at this point
>parents home, no pizza, i put on a hoodie to hide
>we eat, as i retire to my room dad wants to give me a final speech, threatening to kick me out once more
>says he's tired of me never making eye contact when he talks to me
>wants me to remove my hoodie and have a man to man conversation
>he's not bitching this time, i feel for the first time he's actually concerned
>i can hear something in his voice
>I can't see shit, hoodie is on, head is injured, still mild ringing noise in my ears
>NANI!?
>first time in well, first time ever he does something
Damn, it's hard to write this
>he grabs me close to him, tilts my head ( I'm taller)
>rests his head on mine and i can hear him possibly shedding tears
Me too now, fuck this, man.
>i can't see shit, is it raining?
>realize the only time my father is shedding tears in front of me, I can't even see him
>too fucked up and overwhelmed to understand if if am about to cry because of pain on my head or because of what's inside
>he lets me go, he knows i was sobbing hard
>i go to bed
>wake up after 16 hrs
>decide not to eat
>decide not to drink
>decide I can't decide now
>parents won't force me anything now
>I don't want to be
>trying to die by literally LDAR
>after 4th day, between never ending head pain, high temp, not sure if dehydration or post woodwork self murder party hangover
>one of my sisters shows up, convinces me to eat and drink
>whatever, I'll die one day anyway
>everything gives up

Autism, and fucked up parenting.

Pt. 9
>sister is around, everyone's kind of concerned
>they just leave me be as far as i eat
>i am now full fledged hikki neet
>i go around with comfy clothing, hood on, but haven't said a word since dad first threat to btfo home
>do nothing but waste time on the internet like now
>months go by, now almost 24
Here i am, that's story of my life, still want to be an hero, the anniversary is getting closer, I'm still not sure whether I'll try again, afraid of failing again even if i have almost foolproof plan, it's about having the strength to do it now.
Wrote this because i never did, wrote this because time can't go by fast enough yet the dates are flowing, might be because of not making new experiences, i guess i am just a casualty, someone ought to be, there can't be winners without losers.
Even if i pulled myself outta my shit I don't think i can be functional, i just have absorbed too much information, I don't think humans are supposed to have this much, or think this much, that's why normies are somewhat happier.
Does this cover it? One who was never normal will never be, ascending won't erase the pain of the past 20+ years, i rather be a veteran from a world war, death doesn't scare me in any shape, i long for it, the only last information about life, the last thing everyone will ever do, Death is the true equalizer.
Ask away, no promises.

Social isolation and failure to behave in a nonviolent manner.

All people care about are the fucking clothes on your back and legs and feet, where your from, if you like the same things all normies do and etc.

Nearly dying at the hands of a former friend (I'm not gonna elaborate on that). Harassed by illegal immigrants and niggers pushed me to the right, politically. (decreasing my relatability). Harassed by my own family. (MY OWN FREAKING MOM PHYSICALLY BEAT ME TO PRETEND THAT I HURT HER.)
I literally feel like Max Payne and I identify with him on so many levels. This guy has nothing left to lose, lot's of reasons to fight back.

All i have is me. Everyone sucks and I pray everyday for the worst of all misfortunes to rain down upon them in an ugly hellfire that scalds you even when your near it

In general, my family has been pretty good to me. The reason why I am how I am is because of elementary school. Back then, I was a huge crybaby. I basically cried about anything I didn't like. People already saw this as kind of a weird thing. Additionally, I was bullied, but it was more emotional bullying than physical bullying.

I transferred into the school in the first grade, where everyone knew each other from kindergarten. Because of this, I was an outcast; no one talked to me, and I was always super shy, so I didn't talk to anyone either. As I progressed through the grades, the girls decided to start picking on me. They would purposefully ignore me while I was talking to my friends, and they would always try to get people to avoid talking to me. This went on for a few years, up until I graduated from middle school. Because of this, I would have periods of extreme sadness. Whenever I was sad, I would stress eat. For this reason, I am now overweight, and since I was never really attractive to begin with, girls don't really talk to me anymore.

This bullying has pretty much messed me up to this day; I can no longer even look a girl in the eye without getting a bit anxious. I have been able to befriend some girls, but my autism has always made me ruin it (I found it hard to talk to them, and when I did, I never knew what to say). Whenever a girl would try to talk to me about anything, I would get super anxious. I am now no longer friends with any girls, since I just choose not to talk to them anymore. This anxiety has caused me to push away my friends, so I don't have many friends to talk to anymore.

Now I'm just sad and lonely all the time. I don't really want to do anything else. The only thing I really have left is my education, since studying is able to take my mind off things for a bit. I fear the future, since I won't be studying once I graduate from school.

Who knows, maybe things will turn out okay?

you're so mean. can you please show some kindness?

It's a long story
I grew up in a dysfunctional hardcore Christian family and I basically wasn't allowed to have my own personality growing up (and I consistently rejected the "godly" and "gentlemanly" one they tried to instill me with, so now I have little to no personality)
I also grew up in the woods so it's not like I had anywhere to escape to
I'm also diagnosed autistic and was routinely singled out by adult figures and held back

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Didn't grow up in a shitty family except:
>autistic fucking brother
>asian mom wants me to be perfect
>need to be doctor
>shitty fucking friends
>trash grades
>disappointment

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A bully fucked up my entire life. I got revenge tho.

truthfully. I pray i die of alcohol poisoning. That is all i have to say.

Raped by a close family friend...molested by 4 other family members and bullied into attempted suicide..

>used to have big friend group, popular in school, girls would be interested in me, would be invited to parties etc.
>grade 11, coming back from summer suddenly nobody talks to me, friends leave, almost as if it was planned, very strange

Nothing.
>I learned in a mildly christian school that is well respected
>I'm slightly above average looking
>I have no problems with learning so every path has been open to me from the start
>I had tons of friends and a few are still around to this day
>my mother and rest of the family cares for me a lot.
Because I've been blessed all my life and I've lived a life where I've had everything going well, I came to a conclusion that I do not deserve this and living a successful and happy life has no meaning in the bigger picture.
>So I voluntarily dropped out of the last class in school thus not getting the papers of a well respected school
>my social life is inactive because I've never had to work for friends, they all flinged towards me like I was a magnet.
>I am a NEET walking towards a path of a homeless man,
>I've developed apathy
>I like depression and shit feeling are a stimulant to my happiness.
Now I'm waiting for my life to completely fall apart, so I wouldn't be extra weight for my family any more.

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Good story user, I'm giving you a (you) cause no one else will, stay strong

My father was different at best and a bully at worst. My mom was a catatonically depressed hoarder. Sometimes they'd call me by my stillborn twin's name if they were drunk or particularly unmedicated and tired.

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reading too much and then, starting at around 2000, using the internet too much

When i was 12 i tasted the freshest of iced teas, tetley lemon iced tea. Years later a black girl said she thought I was cute. This shaped me into the man I am today. As you can see in the video below I have a lot of Iced Tea AND black ass, indiciative of someone truly accomplished

youtu.be/dMV0euT57jo

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That sounds so fucking hot. What did it feel like?

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>short
>ugly
>autistic
>ethnic

>stillborn twin

holy shit user

tell more

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wow man that sounds really intense, i wish i could have lived a life as fulfilling as yours

Social isolation during my childhood. I didn't even get internet friends until 8th grade. I'm not autistic, just non-interactive. Please go away, I'm playing by myself.

also, angel's egg is pretty good.

i want to be your friend user

What it says on the box, user. Parents won't talk about it and I think I'm fine not knowing. My dad has a twin brother, so I guess the genetics thing about twins having twins checks out.
When I was a kid I always felt like something was missing. Like there was an empty space, even before I had any idea. Sometimes I think it was just me being lonely and imposing the twin thing on that, but watching my dad and his brother... I don't know. They have this weird connection. The thing where they show up dressed the same by accident, where they have a secret language they use when they think nobody can hear, when they always watch out for each other beyond what I've seen in normal siblings.
Sometimes, once in a while, I felt angry about it. Like I was abandoned, left behind by this person that never even took one breath. I'd make up a version of my life in my head where my twin was alive and things were better because I wasn't alone. Even though I was always too much of a miserable bastard to imagine a better home situation even in my dream life I imagined not being alone. It was almost like having an imaginary friend, sometimes. I'd imagine we were going to school and going home together because nobody sat next to me on the bus. Same for cafeterias. Sometimes I still do that if it's quiet and there's empty places next to me, that my twin is there. It became such a habit to imagine he's sitting right next to me that I just still slip into it, sometimes.
Probably sounds stupid or crazy, but it is what it is.

Things have just been painfully average, im jaded

Constant coddling from one end, constant negative reinforcement from the other. Caused a cognitive dissonance that stunted and crippled my self esteem to always be self concious about how cringey I am and feel dissapointintment from my unrealistic expectations.

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Lots and lots of fucking bullying. Every single fucking day from Lmost everybody because I couldn't see well. It would go on for the day until I just breoke down and cried and then the next day it would happen again. From Pre-K thru 5th grade it happened, and I just got so scared to meet new people because I was scared they'd just look down upon me too. I'm barely even recovering and I'm 21